May 18th, only the dead could forget that day; seared into our brains as the biggest joke to humanity, but no applause or laugher came when the joke was unveiled - we'd lost our sense of humour.
It started like any good rumour. Background, inconsequential, white-noise. Piecing itself together over the course of several weeks. Unreliable sources, gossip, things said without a hint of proof. Until this background, inconsequential, white-noise, became so loud - no one could ignore it any longer.
An asteroid, similar in size to most of Texas, was making its way - peacefully - to the belly of Earth.
Dodgy websites were the first ones to begin spouting off about this news. Governments blamed it on certain countries, making up lies to instil discontent and chaos amid the other. Back and forth nonsense carried on for weeks and months - until one day, it was confirmed. NASA themselves confirmed it; and all media outlets of reputable reputation followed in unison and agreed - there was an end coming: May 18th, more or less.
Humorously at first, people seemed far more intrigued towards the various governments who had wished to cover this up - and more importantly - those individuals responsible for leaking out this sensitive information. But fortunately, after all that mess had been resolved, everyone could solemnly focus on the matter at hand - total annihilation.
Now, some people faced with an officially-endorsed death-date, choose to behave in... let's just say... peculiar manners. Some people get very spiritual, accept their fate, make amends with enemies, and calmly sit down waiting for the end. Some people get very preachy, act enlightened, as though they have other-worldly knowledge on the reasons for the impending doom. Possible cults made. Smugness quite likely. Sexual misconduct - certain.
Some people decide that they have always wanted an eighty-inch television screen and now is the perfect time to achieve such a life goal - that and several other ludicrous luxuries which they'd never had in their previous lives, and so go off looting in newly formed gangs - this creates for a tremendous fun day out with friends - gives off bountiful amounts of endorphins for everyone involved. Yet, typically, violence is pretty much a given, usually ending with a few nights in a crowded prison cell.
Some people take precautions, empty already empty supermarkets of their vast supplies, and presume an underground bunker will suffice from an impact. However, people already prepared years ago for this day, sit underground and relax. Once again, expect high levels of smugness.
Some people do some other stuff, some people give up, some people do a bit of this and some people do of bit that... but the most annoying people of all, are the ones who sit at home all day, just writing long lists with the words 'some' and 'people' in.
At the end of all this panic, anxiety, and paranoia - there was very little remaining of a once... partially once, civilised humanity. That's right, no more civil parts!
Plenty of repressed ideologies came to light during these troubled times. Some flourished, others merged together, but most perished - mainly all of them devolved into some other creation, to survive. What could be looted was taken, and what could be taken was got, and what was got was had, and what was had was thieved, and what was thieved was... you get the idea.
Then finally one day, May 18th decided to pop its vile head out of the calendar and went straight back to bed. A few days afterwards, people began to wonder why we hadn't been completely consumed by hellfire and flung out through the atmosphere to be unified back into cosmic space dust. If at this point you had anything left which could tell the time, you might have been a tad peeved off to realise, that maybe, just maybe - someone had got it wrong.
Maybe they were off by a few days? Maybe this terrifying asteroid was still on its way? But by now, what did it matter, everything had changed. Humanity, in its instinctual fear of death, ate itself - entrails and all.
You'd expect at this point, to see someone walk up onto a gigantic stage and announce to the audience, 'only joking!' For this must have been the biggest and best joke humanity had ever come up with... but no one was laughing - they'd either lost everything, become savaged, or found it quite tricky to laugh through a crushed jawbone - amongst other things.
So... now where do I make my appearance into this wonderful affair of harmony? Well, maybe I'll just tell you that - otherwise this would be a pretty short story.
I had the pleasure of watching this performance from my twenty-storey, apartment block, in a big city. Which city, you say? Doesn't matter now. A big one, you ask? Yeah, that one. I had some-kind-of job. A partner? I can't remember. I had a few friends over, those people who you used to laugh and play with. There was me... insert name here <______>, one friend called... shall we say, Quart... why not? Another called Sage, and a last one called Gen.
Sage was out and about, shopping around in the streets below, replenishing our food and fuel for the night. He'd lost out in a game of 'go get us stuff,' and his mission was our bellies and intoxication.
''What's taking him so long?'' Gen asked, skittishly looking out through the curtains.
''You know Sage. He's a bit fruity in the 'ead,'' burped Quart.
''Maybe.'' Gen didn't feel quite as laid back as Quart. ''But still, I think we made a bad call making him go out on his own like that.''
''How else are we to celebrate our 'New Year's Doom Party,' without food and booze?'' I said promptly.
''I think we should have at least all gone together.'' She carried on peering through the curtains.
''Too late now,'' Quart replied, sipping out the last few drops from his can.
Shaded figures walked below in the night streets, as Gen surveyed from up on top. A few peculiar placed streetlights did little to light a clear path for the revellers outside. The brightest light beamed out from a glass-walled supermarket.
''That might be him.'' Gen knocked her head against the glass. ''Could be?''
''Thank goodness for that,'' Quart said in a sarcastic tone.
The shaded figure in question walked past the supermarket doors, when a group of equally shaded figures sprang upon the man. One shoved him into the doorway, and another threw an object to accompany his sprawled-out body, lying in the entrance. Gen froze. The group leapt away as a shattering explosion shoved its flamey-head out of the shop front and into the night streets - lighting up the road as if it were day.
A small shard of glass cracked its way out from the window, which Gen was terrifyingly looking through; the sharp, pointy edge embedded itself, deep into Quart's cheek - this, however, would be the least of his concerns thus far, and of mine too.
That was the first time I'd ever be so close to the joke. It wasn't really funny anymore when it happened. At least for a short while. But it only got worse. I don't think I ever saw Sage after that night, but then again, I can't remember when I last met Gen or Quart - there's always a chance I might bump into them now, but would they remember me, and would I too, for that matter?
A scruffy bird hopped about outside, curiously avoiding the shattered glass laid about the cracked window frame. Her head twitched towards the direction of a fumbling bug; in no time at all, the poor little black grub was soon sliding down the tight tunnel of her feathered throat.
The bird carried on inspecting the area for any other unlucky creepy-crawlies, until she spotted me. We contemplated each other for a moment - a second's distraction was all it took, and a matted, black cat pounced on her. This cat wasn't in the right mind for playing, and the bird was dead in two seconds. The feline made no hesitation and stalked away into the shrubs with its kill, when it stopped to quickly look back at me, freezing, taking me in as my poor, little friend flopped between its bloodied jaws.
A stone flung past my head, striking the cat on its front leg; it yowled aloud, in distress and limped off into the undergrowth beyond. Chuck ran past me, so I angrily nudged him in protest. He lost his footing on the loose glass shards and fell with his open palms into the glassy pain.
''You fucking twit!'' He rolled over and swatted several pieces of glass towards me.
''You deserved that,'' I said, walking out of the dilapidated archway.
All that was left of my bird friend was the remnants of a few black feathers. I picked a little one up and pocketed it. Sadly, in this world - everyone had a predator of sorts waiting for them.
Chuck scrambled to his feet; fists raised. ''Aghhh!'' He took a seconds thought, as the rage began to deplete. ''What you thinking? Pushing me like that?''
''You hurt the cat.''
''No, not a cat, dinner.'' He wiped the dirt off his shorts, plucked a nasty bit of glass out his hand and flicked it at me.
I closed my left eye, just before the glass bounced off it. ''I'm not ready to eat our pets.''
He laughed. ''There's no such thing as pets anymore. It's food or die, you moron!'' He watched a trail of blood, stream off his wrist and form a small pool, down into the mucky ground.
''Problem?'' Brad walked in and asked.
''Only problem I'm wondering, is how you cook human?'' Chuck eyed me up.
''I wouldn't even joke about that. That sort of thing is more common-place than I'd like to believe.'' Brad noticed the blood flowing from Chuck's hand. ''You alright?''
''I'm perfect. Just your friend - Dr. Bellender, here's, trying to play with the animals instead of killin' 'em.''
Before Brad could summarise a response, a crudely shaped mace implanted itself, snuggly, inside his head. A topless man jumped over his collapsed body, yowling like a mad-monkey. He threw a handful of nails into Chuck's bleeding arm, and with absolutely no resistance, Chuck bolted out the wrecked store - following in the same tracks as the cat before him.
I wished I could have said that I had a club in my hand and easily bested the group of five Ravagers, to go home a hero. Yet at the same time Chuck had his arm decorated into a nail board and left me to my lonesome, a woman had decided to crush half a breeze block over my head.
I gained consciousness shortly after, with glass shredded on the left side of my face and dark-red blood drenching the other.
The topless man from before squatted over Brad, prodding him with a sharp knife, and picked things of worth out from his pockets. Another topless man kneeled down the other side of Brad; one side of his jaw had an exposed, metal-plate drilled into it. He revealed a curved knife to slice Brad's ear off, then placed it in his mouth, sucking and slowly chewing the appendage.
This metal-jawed oddity then turned his attention on towards me, sliding his teeth, chopping and chomping on the ear's cartilage. He swallowed; slapped his mate's buttock's away from Brad's body and sliced off the other ear. He began crunching on that one too, all the while staring at me - his knife dancing between his fingertips. The nose was the next item off poor Brad's body. Pinched between his thumb and forefinger, the man rose towards me and knelt by my side. He moistened his fingers and stroked my hair, wiped off the blood and applied it over his chest, and quite notably, his nipples, too.
He forced the severed nose down into my mouth. I struggled, but that was pointless. I had little alternative other than to swallow the whole thing down in one - all while Metal-Jaw gleamed in anticipation.
He leaned in closer and licked the blood from my cheek. ''You're my... de-delicacy.'' He walked away, and I was taken off with them.
The memory of being with Quart and Gen in that apartment block couldn't have felt any further away. Like everyone, I'd had my close encounters with the terrors of this new-world. But this was my first face to face with the reality. Deny, close your eyes to the truth - those were the types of people who always died first. To become the very essence of your natural instincts - to go back home to that cesspit of raw, primordial instinct - in this life, this world - it was the only way to survive.
What felt like several hours, turned out to have only been fifteen minutes; it must have been the cold, the company, or the multiple aches from my head? Probably being completely naked didn't help either. The embarrassment, however, was quickly washed away when I took my first, bare-footed steps onto an exposed tin lid. My companions couldn't give a single hoot about another injury of mine. I assumed they believed tough love would make me stronger, so I could potentially be more like them? But as they never spoke, I could only presume.
Walking with a group of mutes really did allow me to take in the scenery; listen to the birds, see the sights of the countryside, smell the fresh air... the body odour. One of the five kept laughing to himself every three minutes - which was a rude distraction. Another, larger Ravager of the group had an awful habit of clicking his teeth. Though I'm afraid to say, I didn't have the courage to inform them of just how irritating it was for me.
After another twelve hours, or more likely five minutes. My fellow peers stopped to assess and calculate a cautious group of people down a dirt path, whose direction we were coming closer towards. Not wanting to make a scene, they decided to shove through a painful row of bushes, in order to refrain from contact... not what I was expecting from such a brazen group.
''This is bad. Bad,'' one of the Ravagers kept on repeating, into the earhole of Metal-Jaw.
At first, he ignored the warning, but when the weary Ravager began to continually tap on his shoulder, that changed things to some degree. Metal-Jaw took no time to lose his temper and chucked Mr. Complainy-Pants over his over-tapped shoulder. Once Complainy-Pants had been battered onto the grassy dirt, Metal-Jaw applied ample pressure to his windpipe, and we all waited patiently for it to blow over.
Metal-Jaw let the man loose and carried on walking ahead. Complainy-Pants stumbled to his feet, swallowing down, deep breaths of air... into his lungs, probably. An item of his clothing had detached itself, and began rolling towards my feet - it was a head! I did vomit a bit inside, but managed to gulp it back down.
Bright red in the face, Complainy-Pants stomped over to the head and tied it back onto a loose strap, attached to his makeshift, string shirt. It was at this precise point, I had ample time to really have a good old look over at the rest of his attire. His whole body was made up of dismembered body parts; torn off arms adorning his legs, a limbless torso strapped to his back, and butchered arms and hands on each side. He stuck the head back in place on a spike, which seemed to go straight through his own shoulder.
I was kicked from behind to move onwards. I wondered if I would make such fashionable wear in the near future?
I couldn't help but fixate my eyes over the mutilated body parts, strung all around Complainy-Pants for days... which again, was just fifteen minutes. The head had loosened itself upon the spike, and bobbed from side to side; eyes in the sockets bouncing over me - it was dreadful, but somehow, I just had to keep looking at it - all this, over an asteroid that never came.
I followed the body bits and became lost in a hazy-trance. Complainy then decided that he would erupt into flames - why he chose to do that was beyond me - perhaps a protest?
An electronic sound buzzed out from the bushes, and the woman who had previously battered me on the noggin with a breeze block, decided her head would explode and shower me in all its glory. I'd tasted nose that day, and now I was tasting lady-brain - with trimmings of splintered skull. I had to spurt a chunk of her meaty hair out from my mouth... it was grizzly, I'd have sent it back if only I knew where the chef was hiding.
Blinking the blood away from my eyes, I managed to witness a blurry Metal-Jaw, dive over a grassy mound, just as it exploded and rained down dirt and stone over the surrounding area. I wasn't quite sure where the other two from the group had gone... but the two burning bodies, just a few yards up could have been them - not sure how they'd done that, either?
Now this time I was sure only five minutes had passed. Things had settled, the roasting aroma of Complainy-Pants and those other two burnt ones, confused my senses, and when my stomach grumbled... I felt pretty awkward.
A tall figure walked up close to me and stopped - I think it was a man? A red-light dimmed in his left eye.
''Perimeter safe. Human, I will offer care. Please follow.''