#HHFM Chapter 18:
Secret
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Mirae Lim slams Talie Alvarez — 'She's ilusionada.'
Ilang beses akong kumurap sa screen, just to make sure that I have read that correctly. I stared at the screen hard until I was sure that I read it right.
I looked at Cali who was busy talking to Raiko. Apparently, people found out about Ryo going to the hospital to accompany someone pregnant. It took three weeks for the word to spread. Kung hindi ako nag-aalaga ng bata, tulog naman ako, kaya wala akong oras na mag-check ng articles sa Internet. Sigurado akong may alam si Ryo rito kaya laging siya ang may hawak ng remote ng TV. Hindi ako aware na may kaguluhan na palang nangyayari.
It was all starting to make sense. Yesterday, I overheard Tita and Ryo talking about something related to Talie. She said something like not letting her use him for publicity. Akala ko pa naman e kung ano lang. Hindi ko alam na bali-balita na palang may anak na si Ryo.
Despite the public knowing about Talie's relationship with a foreign businessman, she had the guts to tell the media that she thought Ryo and her had something. She did not even bother to conceal his name. Their disgusting and rabid shippers were all disappointed. I was so close to thinking that she dared to do the first move of talking about her non-existent relationship with Ryo just so she could get the public's sympathy. She told the story as if he broke her heart, so she tried to move on and found the "love of her life" (her words, not mine) outside the country.
The story would sound so stupid if someone who knows the real deal were to read it. At this point, I'm convinced that between the two of us, she's the better story maker. She should try a creative writing career next time.
If it weren't for Cali, baka hindi ko rin ito malalaman. She and Nate arrived here earlier this morning. She started asking me questions na hindi ko masagot dahil hindi ko maintindihan. Doon niya nalaman na wala pala talaga akong kaalam-alam.
When someone asked Tita for a confirmation that Ryo has a son, her answer was flat-out "It's none of your business."
This has been going on for three days. Until now, walang binabanggit sa akin si Ryo. Hindi naman siya mukhang problemado. Maybe he hid it from me because he didn't want to stress me out.
If this were about me, I wouldn't care. But if it would involve Raiko, it would be a completely different issue.
"Ano? Kumusta ka riyan?" Cali asked, pulling me out of my trance. Ryo was downstairs getting food. Nate was sitting on the chair near the table, typing something on his phone.
She scoffed, probably noticing how worried I look. I don't want the public painting Raiko as a bastard. I'm not the type to engage in fights but if that were to happen, I would make sure Talie would need to use a wig on her next TV appearance because I would make sure to rip all her hair off!
"'Wag mong isipin 'yang intrimitidang 'yan. Nagpapa-relevant lang 'yan para 'di siya malaos agad. Kita mo namang uhaw 'yan sa spotlight, 'di ka na nasanay," she said, putting down the toy she was holding beside Raiko. "Hayaan mo nang si Tita ang magligpit sa kaniya. Pustahan tayo, nangangatog na 'yan ngayon. Wala na 'yang makukuhang modeling offer; tatanga-tanga siya e."
Nate chuckled. I sighed.
Akala ko kasi, tapos na. At kung tama ako, matagal-tagal na niyang boyfriend ang foreigner na iyon. Magaling lang siguro talaga siyang magtago ng ebidensya at gumawa ng istorya. I can't believe that she would go this low just to make sure the spotlight stays on her.
Bad publicity nga lang itong nag-retaliate si Tita sa kaniya. I couldn't blame Tita, though. It was disgusting to read how Talie acted like the victim, as if Ryo cheated on her. How could he cheat on her kung hindi naman naging sila?
Sabi nga ni Tita, ilusionada.
I pretended to act cool when Ryo entered the room. Nakangiti siya sa akin pero nang pumaling ang tingin kay Nate, agad na sumimangot. I haven't told him yet that Nate and Cali have a thing going on and that he should let go of his unreasonable "anger" and jealousy towards Nate.
"Bakit mo ba 'to dinadala, Cali?" tanong niya na parang wala si Nate sa iisang kuwarto. Natawa lang ulit si Nate doon.
Like Cali, he was not telling me anything. Ang obvious naman na, ayaw pa nilang sabihin sa akin. I am happy for the two of them. Sure akong magiging ganoon din si Ryo.
I looked at Cali. Parang nangapa pa siya ng isasagot. Ang alam kasi ni Ryo, ayaw rin nito kay Nate kasi nga sa kaniya kumampi si Cali noong college days.
"Oo nga, Calila. Sabay pa kayo. Did you go here together?" sabad ko. Para naman kahit isang beses lang, makaganti ako kay Cali sa lahat ng pang-aasar niya sa akin. Tumalim nang bahagya ang tingin niya sa akin.
I glanced at Nate and found him smiling while scrolling on his phone. I doubt that he was actually doing something. Nagkukunwari lang siguro para hindi niya kailangang magsalita.
"Hindi, a. Nakasalubong ko lang 'yan." Cali sounded too defensive, too obvious. I looked at Nate and caught him stifling a laugh. Itong dalawang ito, parang ewan.
Ryo rolled his eyes. Padabog niyang inilapag sa mesa ang tray ng pagkaing dala niya. Umangat ang tingin ni Nate sa kaniya dahil doon. Kitang-kita ko ang masamang tingin ni Ryo sa kaniya.
"Ryo," saway ko. He hissed before heading to the bed to sit beside me.
Parang bata. Well, it was his fault that he's bothered.
The thing is, I haven't asked Ryo yet on what he wants to happen in our relationship. The past few days have been okay. We sleep on the same bed. I can tell that he cares for me as much as he cares for Raiko. We act like we weren't constantly at each other's throat during my first few months here. We act differently. And maybe we've gotten quite used to it that it didn't seem like an important thing to address.
But it is important to me. I know that he's been trying, and I trust that he won't disappoint me again, so I'm giving him a chance.
All I'm waiting for is for him to ask. Pero mukhang wala naman siyang balak.
How could I give that chance to him if he wouldn't ask? I'm not even sure if he wants it.
Or maybe, mas iniisip niya ang pag-uwi namin sa amin, at kung paano siya babalik dito nang buhay pa at kompleto pa ang mga daliri. We have decided to travel by land nang kaming dalawa lang. Tita and Tito would follow the next day via plane. Si Raianne, baka hindi makasama dahil busy sa school.
Kung tinatanong na niya ako, e di sana, may pinanghahawakan na siya ngayon.
"Be nice to him. Ninong ni Raiko 'yan," I told him. Mabilis na nalukot ang mukha niya roon. He looked like he wanted to argue but held it back.
Nate chuckled loudly. Pumaling tuloy ulit si Ryo sa kaniya na sigurado akong masama na naman ang tingin.
"Seriously, Frankie?" bulong niya sa akin.
"Be nice to him, Ryo," I whispered back. If he would continue to be mean to Nate, baka magalit sa kaniya si Cali. Mawawalan na talaga siya ng kakampi.
He scratched the back of his head. Ewan ko ba riyan kung bakit sobrang seloso talaga pagdating kay Nate. E umatras na nga ang tao bago pa man makapanligaw dahil sa takot sa kaniya. I never even liked Nate that way.
"Kailan ka mag-aanak?" biglaang tanong ni Ryo kay Cali na kalaro pa rin si Raiko na kumukurap lang sa kaniya.
I almost choked on my pasta. Natigilan si Cali at sinamaan ng tingin si Ryo na walang idea sa sinabi niya. I looked at Nate. He was trying to contain a smile while eating. Nahuli niya akong nakatingin at nahalata kong sinubukan niyang magseryoso pero hindi niya magawa.
Naningkit ang mata ko sa kaniya. One way or another, mapaaamin ko rin naman si Cali.
"Kailan kayo magkakabalikang dalawa?" masungit na tanong ni Cali pabalik. Kumunot ang noo ni Ryo sa kaniya. Umangat naman ang kilay ko roon.
"Kailan kayo aaming dalawa?" I asked.
She gasped. Napainom ng tubig si Nate. Lalo lang nagsalubong ang kilay ni Ryo bago ako harapin.
"Sino?"
Sometimes he's this dumb and dense. I only smiled at him and shook my head.
"Ano? Hindi mo alam sagot, 'no?" Ibinalik niya agad kay Ryo ang usapan. It was obvious that she was avoiding my question. Her excessive blushing gave her away, though.
"Bakit ba biglang naging tungkol sa 'kin 'to? Tinatanong lang kita kung kailan ka magbo-boyfriend e," tugon ni Ryo.
I chuckled. Inangilan lang siya ni Cali at pumaling na ulit kay Raiko. Nate was still silent. Sure akong mapagagalitan siya ni Cali kung sakaling bigla siyang magsalita at madulas kaya nanahimik lang siya.
"Hindi mo ikinuha si Nate ng drinks?" tanong ko kay Ryo pagkaakyat niya ulit. He got orange juice for Cali and me, pero wala man lang kahit tubig kay Nate.
Sumimangot lang siya. I looked at Nate. He looked amused with Ryo's attitude towards him.
"It's fine, Frankie. Hindi ako nauuhaw."
Still, I gave Ryo a warning look. His lips twisted in annoyance. "Hindi naman pala nauuhaw. 'Wag na."
Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata. In the end, he went back downstairs to get Nate a glass of orange juice. Parang required na padabog niya iyong ilapag sa mesa dahil lagi siyang ganoon pagdating kay Nate.
"May lason 'yan. Sagot ko na libing mo."
Tinawanan lang siya ni Nate. Napasulyap ako kay Cali na nahuli kong inirapan si Ryo. I wonder how Ryo would react once he finds out.
Even after the two left, hindi ko na inungkat kay Ryo ang tungkol sa kumakalat na tatay na raw siya. Hangga't hindi napatutunayan, mananatili iyong tsismis lang. Hangga't walang nagko-confirm, either siya o si Tita, mananatiling question mark iyon sa media. They would probably continue to search for answers by themselves, unless something else that could generate more reach would come up.
Nakikiramdam ako kung sasabihin niya, pero mukhang wala talaga siyang balak. The day went by with the two of us inside our room, nagpapalitan lang sa bata at nagpapalitan ng pag-idlip.
We only have more than a week left of stay here. Hindi ko pa rin sigurado kung ano'ng mangyayari pag-uwi ko. I plan to call my parents on the 17th, bago kami umalis ni Ryo para pumunta roon. We would be celebrating Raiko's first month there. Pampalubag-loob sa tatay kong sigurado akong mag-aalburoto.
All I'm asking for is our privacy on our way to my parents'. Tahimik ang buhay roon. At panigurado, lalong magagalit si Tatay kay Ryo kung sakali mang may makatunton sa amin doon. Ngayon pa nga lang na wala siyang kaalam-alam, ayaw na ayaw na niya kay Ryo. Paano na lang kapag nalaman pa nila ang kay Talie? Paniwalain pa naman iyon.
"Ryo," I called him while we were watching TV. Raiko was in his arms while I was sitting beside him. At ang pinanonood namin ay ang teleseryeng sobrang invested na siya.
"Hm?" he hummed, not taking his eyes off the screen. Malaki pa rin ang galit niya roon sa boss ng babae sa teleserye.
"Do you plan to keep Raiko as a secret?" I asked. I wouldn't be surprised if he would say yes. I would understand. Maybe he would prefer to keep things private. With everything that was attached to his name, mas mabuti nga iyon para tahimik lang ang buhay ng bata.
He shook his head almost immediately. This time, he peeled off his eyes from the screen and shifted them to me. "Ayoko siyang itago. Hindi ko kayo itatagong dalawa." My heart leaped. Ibinalik niya ang tingin sa TV. "Kung okay lang sa 'yo, siyempre. Ikaw ang masusunod. Pero kung ako ang tatanungin mo, ayaw ko. Hindi ko naman kayo sikreto e."
"I was only asking about Raiko," I whispered. Sabi niya, hindi niya kami itatago. Ibig sabihin, kasama ako. As his what? His friend?
Ilang ulit siyang kumurap. Natawa siya nang bahagya bago ako lingunin ulit. "Siyempre kasama ka."
"Raiko's your son. E ako, ano mo 'ko?"
Mukhang nabigla siya sa tanong ko. Makailang ulit na bumukas at nagsara ang bibig niya pero wala siyang sinabing kahit na ano. What would he introduce me as? His ex? The mother of his child? That's different from being a girlfriend . . . or a wife.
"Raiko's mother?" I asked. Iyon lang ba?
He gulped. His lips twitched. I frowned. Kahit man lang pang-aasar sana niya na girlfriend man lang o asawa, papatulan ko para lalo siyang mabigla. Para mabuksan ang usapan.
I wonder what was stopping him from making a move, from asking. Ako na ang naiinip. I don't like settling for something uncertain, but I wanted him to ask me first. Baka mamaya, bigla akong bumanat sa kaniya na I'm giving him a second chance tapos ayaw naman pala niya.
"Your ex? I'm your only ex," pabulong kong sinabi ang huling parte.
He smiled. "One and only nga."
Which meant he never dated anyone before me and after we broke up. "Why? Masusundan pa ba 'ko?"
Umawang ang bibig niya roon. He pursed his lips tight before shifting his gaze back to the TV.
Kung kailan ko talaga kailangan ang tapang niya, saka naman nawawala. As much as possible, I want the two of us to be okay before going home. Para maipakilala ko siya nang maayos, masabi kina Tatay na nagkabalikan kami. Dahil sigurado ako, magtatanong agad si Tatay. Ang hirap ng hindi ko alam ang isasagot. We were too old to settle for a mutual understanding.
Much to my disappointment, my question remained unanswered until bedtime. Raiko was already sleeping, at kailangan ko na ring matulog dahil sigurado akong magigising na naman siya mamaya. Pero paano ako tutulog kung puno ang isip ko? And it was silly because I felt like a high schooler who would stay up all night worrying about relationship labels.
I slept on my side and faced him. He was resting his head on his folded arm. I held my breath when his free hand went to my waist.
God. Exes don't do this. But I don't really mind because I know that we're not just exes anymore. Though, I needed an assurance that we're on the same page, so he needs to ask me if we could try again.
Sinalubong ko ang tingin niya. The past days were exhausting because of the ruined sleeps and sore arms, but I was happy. The days were simple, peaceful. It's just me, Raiko, and him in this room. I don't think that I need anything else.
Inaantok na ang mga naniningkit nang mata niya nang ngitian ako. "I'm sorry, Frankie."
"What?" My brows shot up. "It's fine. I know the truth. Talie's just making up her own stories."
His brow furrowed, like he wasn't expecting my response. He then chuckled lightly. "Hindi 'yon. Pero alam mo na pala? Hindi ko pinaaalam sa 'yo e, masi-stress ka lang."
I nodded. "Cali told me."
Humugong siya. "Wag mo 'yong poproblemahin, ha?"
"Okay."
"Good." Lumipat saglit ang kamay niya sa buhok ko, pushing a few strands of my hair back before going back to my waist. "Pero sorry pa rin."
"None of that's your fault. People in the industry are naturally nosy."
"Hindi 'yon ang tinutukoy ko. Nagso-sorry ako sa nangyari sa 'tin, sa nagawa ko sa 'yo."
Saglit akong natigilan. I met his gaze. Mabuti't hindi masyadong madilim ang kuwarto kaya malinaw ko siyang nakikita.
"Wala naman talagang nangyari sa hotel no'n. Nilasing nila 'ko pero alam ko pa ang ginagawa ko. Ni hindi ko siya hinawakan. May kasama pati kami."
This wouldn't be the first time that I would hear him explain. But the first time he apologized, I admit that my mind was still clouded. I believed him, but I couldn't get myself to trust him fully after that.
Tumango ako. "Naniniwala ako."
"I'm sorry I missed your birthday."
"It's okay," halos bulong ko nang tugon. I could feel the lump on my throat growing. I didn't want to cry tonight so I held it back.
"Pati anniv natin."
"It's fine, Ryo. Tapos na naman 'yon. I forgive you."
"Lagi na nga akong wala no'n e. Kaya hindi 'yon fine. Hindi 'yon okay. Birthday at anniv na nga lang, hindi pa kita inuwian. Tapos may kasama pa akong babae, kaya hindi 'yon okay lang."
I took a deep breath. The conversation made my chest hurt. "Yeah. You were kinda slipping away," I admitted.
I have always been supportive of Ryo and his dreams. I was never the nagging girlfriend. But after graduation, things drastically changed. I started seeing him less. It was fine because I understood, but it was sad, too. I never told him because I didn't want to sound demanding or to get in his way.
"Kaya nga," he sighed, "hindi ko napansing naiiwan na kita, na parang hindi ka kasama sa mga pangarap ko."
"Sorry, I never told you. I didn't want to weigh you down."
The corner of his lips rose, but he looked more sad than happy. "Hindi. Ako ang magso-sorry kasi ako 'yung nakalilimot na may girlfriend ako."
I didn't know how to respond to that. Nakailang palitan din kami ng malalalim na paghinga. I could feel his thumb caressing my side.
"I'm not sorry that I broke up with you," pabulong kong sabi.
Mahina siyang natawa. It was true, though. I didn't regret splitting things up with him. Dahil kung hindi, I'm sure we would still break up but with a lot more irreparable damage caused on each other. We wouldn't be here now.
"Okay lang. We needed the breather, Frankie. And I want you to be happy. You didn't look happy with me anymore, so I let you walk away."
"I'm happy now," I admitted. He smiled.
"See? Kaya sabi ko sa 'yo no'n, ayaw na kitang makita pagkatapos nating mag-break, kasi masakit lang 'yon, maaalala ko lang 'yung katangahan ko."
I nodded. Bahagya siyang umisod palapit sa akin. I fought the urge to bury my face on his chest. I wouldn't do that until he asked me if we could start over.
"Sinubukan mo bang mag-move on?" I asked. Hindi naman ako magagalit kung sakaling oo ang sagot. Akala ko nga talaga, pinagbigyan niya na si Talie, hindi naman pala.
"Oo, ikaw?"
"Yeah, but I didn't try to go out with guys. Binabad ko na lang ang sarili ko sa work." I paused. "E, ikaw? You wanted to try with Talie?"
Lumabi siya roon. Sumimangot ako.
"Muntik na." He laughed. "Pero ang daming mali e. Ayoko ng rebound. Ayaw sa kaniya ni Raianne. Ayaw sa kaniya ni Mommy. Tapos nalaman ko ring may boyfriend siya kaya naisip ko, 'wag na lang." Saglit niya akong sinulyapan. "E, si Nate? Pinormahan ka n'on habang wala ako, 'no? Akala mo naman talaga, may binatbat siya sa 'kin."
I chuckled at that. "Not really."
"Ninong talaga ni Raiko 'yon? Parang ayaw ko."
"Tigilan mo na 'yang galit mo sa tao. Cali's with Nate now."
Nanlaki ang mga mata niya roon, parang hindi makapaniwala. "Pinatulan niya 'yon?" Halatang sinusubukan niyang hinaan ang boses dahil tulog na si Raiko.
"'Wag mong iparirinig kay Calila 'yan. Sasakalin ka n'on."
Nanatiling nakaawang ang bibig niya, parang hindi pa rin naniniwala. Parehas lang naman kaming nabigla.
Cali had been very vocal that he didn't like Nate. Kaya nga grabe na lang ang pagkabigla ko noong nadulas si Nate na siya ang first kiss ni Cali. Nililihim kasi sa akin n'ong isa. Hanggang ngayon, hindi niya pa rin nga naikukuwento.
Napaisip tuloy ako kung kailan nagkagusto roon si Cali. I mean, she knew that Nate liked me. May gusto na ba siya kay Nate noon pa man? She never told me. At wala rin naman akong naramdamang nainis siya sa akin o nagalit dahil may gusto sa akin ni Nate.
"I'm sorry about Nate, too," sabi ko nang maalala iyon. Saglit na tumigil ang hinlalaki niyang humahaplos sa baywang ko. "Nothing happened. Pumunta lang ako ro'n para may makausap. Cali was unavailable. He was kind enough to let me stay for a few hours. Hindi ako nagpaalam sa 'yo kasi . . . naiinis ako sa 'yo."
He nodded. "Kahit naman hindi mo sabihin, alam kong walang nangyaring kung ano. Hindi mo naman basta-basta na lang ibababa ang standards mo."
"Shut up," I said, chuckling. Ang seryo-seryoso ko na e.
He grinned. Hindi ko alam kung ganito ba talaga kaliit ang espasyo sa pagitan naming dalawa mula pa kanina, o sadyang hindi ko napapansing palapit siya nang palapit.
His face inched closer, but not close enough for our noses to touch. The last time he got this close, he was only half-awake. The lack of distance made my eyes flutter. The second I felt the tip of his nose grazing mine, I closed my eyes. I waited.
And waited.
Nasaan na?
Confused, I opened my eyes. Nahuli ko siyang abot-tainga ang ngiti. Lalo lang kumunot ang noo ko nang unti-unti na siyang umisod palayo. Nahagip ko agad ang braso niya para pigilan siya.
What the hell?
"Ano, Frankie?" he asked playfully. I frowned and clicked my tongue. Natawa siya roon. "Matulog ka na. Tulog na tayo."
What? I was sure that he was trying to kiss me just a while ago!
Binura niya ang pagkakakunot ng noo ko gamit ang daliri niya. I swatted his hand away from my face.
"Tulog na tayo, inaantok ka na e. Nakapikit ka na nga."
Hindi ko na napigilang mahina siyang hampasin sa braso. I gathered my blanket at sa kabilang side humarap, patalikod sa kaniya. He laughed. One of his arms snaked around my waist again. Iniwas ko agad ang tainga kong nararamdaman ang paghinga niya. I frowned, making sure he would see it, and I thought it would work pero pinisil lang niya ang ilong ko.
"Good night, Frankie," he said in a sing-song voice, kissing me on the temple instead.