"We are like angels with just one wing. We can only fly by embracing each other."
-Anon
One week. It would be one week tomorrow since he'd last seen Erik. But, Christ, didn't it feel like longer. He hadn't seen him at school at all. At first, Nate had contemplated the possibility that he'd transferred to a different math class, but he hadn't seen him in the cafeteria or at their, well, now Erik's, locker either.
Nate had moved his things out of Erik's locker the first day back from Thanksgiving Break, sharing lockers with Amber again. He'd checked Erik's locker every day, though, to see if his backpack or anything else that might indicate he'd come to school was there. And every day, his things had remained untouched. Which could only mean one thing: he hadn't come to school at all.
Erik couldn't carry on like this forever, avoiding him by not coming to school. At some point, he'd have to come back. And Nate was counting on that. Because every time he caught himself staring at Erik's empty seat in math class or stealing glances over at what had once been their locker, he felt his heart wrench, a sharp pain pulsing through his chest. He needed to see him. Even if it hurt, he needed to see Erik with his own eyes, to know that he could reach out and touch him and make sure he was alright. Because that's what all this had been for. For Erik, to keep him safe. And Nate needed to know that that's what he was doing, that all this shit was for something.
For now, at least, it seemed Zack had been appeased by his little break-up with Erik. Spilling the details to him through their little conversation over the phone had practically left the bastard giddy. He'd insisted they meet up, though, in the near future, no doubt to plan more of this shit.
Nate wasn't sure if he could take any more of whatever Zack had planned. He felt like he couldn't even bear this for much longer. He'd spent the last week wandering around in some sort of daze, like all this had to be a dream. He hadn't been able to sleep more than a couple of hours each night, and when he did, he spent it dreaming of Erik. Which was why he'd spent every spare moment trying to fall back to sleep. Except, the problem with that was, whenever he finally woke up, it hurt ten times worse than it had before, if that was even possible.
Maybe it was because it brought back so many memories every time he did, or maybe it was because everything was still so fresh and raw that the dreams just seemed to make the wounds deeper. Nate was willing to bet, though, that the real reason it hurt so much was because a part of him knew this was the closest he was ever going to get to being with Erik again. Which was a dose of reality he just couldn't handle, no matter how much he tried to tell himself this was all for the best.
Maybe he'd made a mistake. Maybe this had all been a mistake.
How could it be for the best if he wasn't with Erik? How could it be for the best if they weren't together?
He hoped to god this wasn't a mistake, that he was doing the right thing here, because if he wasn't, this would without a doubt be the greatest fuck up of his life. Hands down.
He hadn't really been eating much, their. He just wasn't hungry. Which made sense, in a way. Not knowing how the person you love is doing, or if they're even alright tends to be a bit of an appetite killer.
He'd tried asking Sean about Erik, but he'd gotten absolutely nowhere with that. The guy had acted like he wasn't even there, walking right past him. Yeah, Nate knew he deserved that, and much worse, but he could deal with the pain and the being ignored and shit if he knew Erik was alright. This not knowing, it was killing him. Really.
"C'mon Nate. You've got to get out of the house. Moping around about your breakup with Erik like you've been doing all week isn't helping things."
Nate was almost tempted to cuss Amber out as she pulled him up off his bed towards the door, except that would take too much effort. All he really wanted to do was go back to sleep. And dream. Maybe this time he'd be lucky enough to not have to wake up.
"Amber. Please. Just leave me alone." Nate mumbled mutely, not having enough energy to put up much of a fight as Amber dragged him out the door, shoving him into her hot pink slug bug before getting in the driver's seat.
"No! You're my best friend, and I'm not going to let you waste away over some guy."
"He's not just some guy, Amber."
"Whatever. That's not the point. The point is, it's Friday night, and as your best friend, I'm morally obligated to make sure you don't spend it all cooped up and alone and miserable."
God, what the hell didn't she get about 'leave me alone'? This wasn't something that was just going to go away, or that he was going to forget. Erik wasn't just a stupid high school crush. And this wasn't just a break-up.
It wasn't as if there was any point arguing with Amber, though. She didn't listen half the time anyways, and she was obviously dead-set on trying to make him enjoy himself tonight. Too bad she hadn't caught on to the fact that that was impossible, unless getting back together with Erik while finding a way to keep him safe at the same time was somehow on the agenda.
Nate stared out the window as Amber pulled away from the curb, allowing a heavy silence to fall between them. He knew she was worried about him. She'd been doting over him all week, trying to get him to eat more or laugh or other shit like that. But he just didn't have the energy to pretend like he was alright anymore.
"Here we are!" Amber chimed cheerfully, pulling up in front of a huge house. Nate could hear the blaring music coming from the house even from the inside of Amber's car, which pretty much told him what he needed to know.
"Amber, I really don't feel like going to some lame party-"
"Too bad. We're here now, so you might as well try and have some fun."
Nate let out an exasperated sigh as Amber got out of the car, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him up to the house. Didn't this bring back fond memories? At the last party he'd been to with Amber, he'd kissed Erik for the first time, which had pretty much marked the beginning of their relationship. That had been so long ago, back when he'd thought Erik was just some dumb jock with a pretty face, trying to play a practical joke on him. Funny how he'd ended up being the one to break Erik's heart, and not vice versa. God, irony could be such a bitch sometimes.
Pulling Nate forward, Amber didn't even bother to knock as she opened the door, making sure Nate was fully inside before letting go of him.
Nate could make out the strong scent of alcohol, smoke, and...yuck, probably vomit, as he scanned the crowded living room they'd just walked in to, seaching the area for some corner where he could just keep to himself till-
Fuck.
Nate froze as he spotted Erik across the room. Sean was sitting next to him, scanning the room with a bored expression on his face. He could feel a mixture of pain and relief pulse through him as he took in the sight. Erik was safe, still in one piece, which was good. Jesus Christ, though, he looked...lost, or totally shitfaced, or something in between. He had a drink in one hand, and a cigarette in the other.
Damn it. He'd started smoking again. Nate resisted the urge to walk across the room and snatch the cigarette out of Erik's hand. Because he couldn't do that anymore, could he? He had no say over how Erik spent his time, or what the fuck he decided to put in his body. But it still killed him to see him smoking that shit up.
Maybe, if he left now, he'd be able to escape without Erik seeing him. He'd been staring down at the drink in his hand for the last few seconds, like it was pretty much the only thing in the room that interested him. Except Nate's feet didn't seem to work right. Or his eyes, for that matter.
Nate couldn't seem to tear his gaze away from Erik, or move back towards the door. As much as it hurt him to see Erik, the only thing that hurt worse was the prospect of having to walk away from him again, of having to go another week without seeing him, without knowing if he was alright. Tugging at his sleeve, Nate could feel Amber pull on his shirt questioningly, following his gaze. At the same time, Sean leaned towards Erik slightly, mumbling something to him.
Immediately, Erik's head snapped up, his eyes locking with Nate's. Even in whatever chemical-induced daze he'd been in, Nate could still make out the pained recognition in his eyes as their eyes met. Erik didn't look away, though, even when it was obvious making eye contact like this killed him.
"Do you want to leave?"
Nate snapped his head down, averting his eyes to the ground as Amber's voice pulled him out of whatever stupor he'd been in.
"No. " Nate mumbled, keeping his eyes downcast. "Let's just find somewhere to sit."
Nate followed Amber over to an empty couch on the opposite side of the room from Erik. He could feel Erik's eyes on him, burning a hole in his chest as he sat down.
"God, doesn't he know staring is rude." Amber muttered, obviously talking about Erik as she glared over at him.
Nate forced himself not to look, though, focusing his gaze on the beige carpet.
"Just leave him alone, Amber. Really, I know you don't get it, but there's a lot you don't know about him that would really change the way you looked at him if you knew."
"Like what?" Amber asked, obvious disbelief in her voice as she glanced over at him a second time.
"Well-"
"Hi."
Nate turned to the left, his eyes resting upon the boy who'd apparently been speaking to him and Amber. He looked to be about Nate's age, with bluish black hair and forest green eyes. The nervous smile on his face put Nate on edge as he glanced over at Amber.
"Hi!" Amber said, jumping up and pulling the boy into a tight hug. "Nate, this is Ethan. Ethan, this is Nate."
Nate's eyes narrowed as a feeling of dread began to settle in the pit of his stomach. No way. She couldn't have...
"So, I was thinking of ways to help you get over Erik. And I figured, hey, you've just gotta jump right back on the horse once you fall of and all. So, I invited Ethan here for kind of a blind date with you or whatever. I mean, I didn't know Erik was going to be here and all, so I know it'll be kinda awkward, but-"
"No. I'm sorry."
Nate didn't even attempt to sugar coat his words as he directed them at Amber and, apparently, Ethan. It had nothing to do with the boy's appearance, or the slightly anxious vibe he'd been getting from him.
There were just so many things that were messed up about what Amber was trying to do here. He was in love with Erik, and they'd broken up less than a week ago. He didn't plan to date any other guys, ever, even if Erik did move on and date other people. He just couldn't. And, not to mention, Erik was sitting right across from them on the other side of the room. He'd already put him through enough pain and hurt with the whole break-up thing. He didn't need to make Erik watch him go out on a blind date with another guy, even if it was only to humor Amber.
"But, Nate-"
"I said no."
Ethan looked hurt, looking down at his own feet and shifting awkwardly from side to side.
"I-uh-I should go."
"No, Ethan, wait-"
Nate droned Amber's voice out, his attention focused on the last drink Erik had just downed, no doubt in reaction to the sight in front of him. His features had contorted into a look Nate had never seen on his face before as he pushed himself up off the couch, mumbling something to Sean before pulling out his car keys and heading for the door. Yeah. He was definitely leaving, and Nate couldn't blame him. He wouldn't want to stay and watch Erik get set up with some guy less than a week after they'd broken up either.
But shit. He couldn't drive, as drunk as he probably was. Where the hell was Sean when you needed him? Ah, right. He was still to busy glaring at Nate...no, wait. He wasn't looking at Nate. He was looking at Ethan.
What the hell?
Whatever. He didn't have time for this. He needed to make sure Erik didn't make it out to the car and end up getting in an accident. Bolting up, Nate didn't bother leaving Amber with an explanation as he jogged out the door.
Good. It was just the two of them outside, no one to interrupt or ask questions. Still, though, Nate could feel his breath catch in his throat as he called out to Erik, who'd already made it halfway down the walkway.
"Erik! Wait!"
Erik froze mid-stride, pausing for a second before slowly turning around. Holy crap, he was more than drunk. As he moved forward, Nate could smell strong scent of alcohol on his breath, mixing with the smell of the smoke from his last cigarette. His pupils were dilated, his body swaying just slightly as he stared down at Nate.
His blue eyes, the beautiful blue eyes that had always taken Nate's breath away, were flat, dead. To Nate's horror, there was absolutely nothing in them as he met his gaze. That's what he'd been wanting to do though, wasn't it? Numb himself out with the stupid fucking alcohol. God damn it.
He could've had any guy back in that party. Hell, he could have any guy in their whole high school. Yet here he was, wasting himself away by choice over him.
In one quick movement, Nate snatched the car keys from Erik's hand.
"What the hell are you doing?" Nate asked, though that much was obvious.
Erik tilted his head to the side, looking down at him through half lidded eyes.
"It's funny. When you talk like that, it almost sounds like you care."
His words had no malice or sting to them, or even anger, like Nate had been expecting. No, they were as flat and dead as the look in his eyes, his voice completely monotone.
"Erik, of course I care-"
"You don't have to pretend anymore, Nathaniel. I know the truth now, remember."
Nate swallowed hard, opening and then closing his mouth. He wanted to tell him the truth. He wanted to take all his pain away and be there for him like Erik had with him so many times before. But that would mean breaking his little deal with Zack, which would mean putting Erik in danger. And he couldn't let himself do that.
"I've been thinking though." Erik whispered, his tone taking on a pained longing as he leaned a little closer to Nate. "I love you enough for the both of us. You don't have to love me, or even care about me. You could just let me take care of you, like you promised, Nathaniel."
Nate took a second before he realized what Erik was referring to. Of course. Erik had made him promise to let him take care of him, no matter what.
Nate could feel his breath come out in harsh waves, his chest burning as his eyes began to blur. Even after all Nate had said to him and put him through, he still wanted to love him, to take care of him, even if he knew the favor wasn't going to be returned.
"You can't- no, Erik. No."
Nate didn't trust himself to say anything more as he blinked furiously, trying to keep himself from crying.
The emptiness in Erik's eyes was momentarily replaced by pain as he swallowed hard.
"Why not?"
Nate shook his head, trying to gain enough clarity to say something that made sense.
"You just, it's just-"
Nate froze as he felt Erik's hand come up and gently stroke his face. Even as drunk as he was, his touch was still as light and careful as ever.
Nate knew he should push him away, knew he should stop whatever was going on here, except he couldn't. Being this close to Erik again, feeling his touch and seeing the pain in his eyes was all just too much for him.
"Erik..." Nate mumbled, taking a sharp breath as Erik took a step forward. "...No..." Even as the words were leaving his mouth, though, Nate could feel himself leaning forward into Erik's chest, his body betraying him.
Erik seemed to be listening to his body language, not what he was saying, as he slid his other hand up Nate's chest, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to Nate's neck.
Nate could feel his body immediately melt against Erik's, his mind telling him to stop the whole time. Fuck. He needed to push him away. He needed to stop this, stop things from progressing, because god knew he wanted nothing more than to just let go and be with Erik.
Stop. Stop. You need to stop this-
Lifting his head, Erik's lips came down on Nate's, the familiar warmth of Erik's lips against his sending his mind reeling. God, this felt so good. And not because he was horny. It was the fact that Erik was kissing him, that, for a split second, he could forgot the past week and just lose himself in the guy that he loved.
Don't be selfish. You can't do this. You can't let this happen. It'll only make things harder for him.
"No...Erik." Nate mumbled into the kiss, making no move to push him away despite his words. Pulling Nate closer, Erik began to kiss him harder, his touch turning desperate. Nate recognized it, because he was pretty sure he was kissing Erik the same way, his lips moving against Erik's with a frantic desperation that came from knowing this was the last time that he might ever kiss him again.
"Erik...stop...no, please-"
Nate flinched as he felt Erik fall back, releasing him as Amber's fist made contact with Erik's face.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Erik!" Amber yelled, knocking him flat on his ass. "You're just like Sean, going around thinking you can rape anyone! He said no! He told you to stop! What the fuck is wrong with you!"
Nate stood frozen in place, mortified by what Amber was saying. She was making it sound so much worse than it actually was. He could understand her being all sensitive and shit about this because of what had happened between her and Sean, but it wasn't the same thing, not at all. Even if he'd been telling Erik to stop, he'd been pulling him closer at the same time, egging him on and kissing him back.
The look on Erik's face, though, was what scared him the most. He seemed to have sobered up real quickly after Amber had punched him in the jaw, though he was definitely still under the influence. He has this horrified look on his face as he looked down at himself, like he couldn't believe what he'd just done, like it hadn't been him.
"I-Nathaniel-"
"What the fuck, Erik. It doesn't take 15 fucking minutes to smoke a god damn-" Sean froze mid-sentence as he stood in the doorway, his eyes narrowing as he appraied the three.
"What the fuck happened?" Sean growled, taking a few steps forward towards his brother
"C'mon, Nate, let's go. The only thing worse than one rapist is two." Amber muttered, wrinkling her nose.
Sincere confusion spread across Sean's face as Amber tried pulling Nate towards the car. He didn't budge, though. He couldn't.
The look on Erik's face was scaring him, worse than anything ever had in his life. Sitting there, he didn't just look lost, or empty, or numb. He looked fucking broken, like something in him had just snapped.
"Wait. Erik, you didn't..." A look of realization spread across Sean's face as he replayed Amber's words in his mind. "Fuck. Erik. You didn't try to rape the little shit, did you?"
"Yes, he did!" Amber interjected, glaring at both Sean and Erik. "And he probably would have gotten away with it too if I hadn't intervened."
Sean cursed under his breath, grabbing the car keys from Nate, dragging Erik up off the lawn, and pulling him towards his car. Erik looked totally disconnected, like he wasn't even in touch with what was going on around him anymore.
"You dumb fucker." Sean mumbled, pushing Erik into the passenger seat of the car. "What the fuck are you thinking? If you piss him off, that little shit's gonna run his mouth and get you locked up. For fuck's sake, Erik-"
Sean's voice cut off as he slid into the drivers seat and slammed the door, speeding off.
Fuck. What the hell had just happened?
"Nate, are you oka-"
"What the hell, Amber! Who the fuck do you think you are, putting your hands on Erik like that! You had no idea what was going on! You just jumped to a conclusion and started crucifying him for something that wasn't even happening!"
"But I thought he was trying to rape you-"
"He wasn't! You know how fucking hard he's taking all this! You don't understand what's going on, so stop trying to help. Stop trying to set me up with other guys! And stop treating Erik like he's done something wrong. He hasn't! You don't know shit about him, so stop acting like you're all high and mighty and he's some horrible person! God! I was the one who followed him out here! I took his car keys so he couldn't leave. And I led him on. This was my fault, not his. I swear, Amber, if you ever freakin' lay a hand on him again, I don't care if you are my best friend, I'll make sure you never touch him again."
Amber blinked, obviously surprised by Nate's outburst.
"Listen, I was just trying to help-"
"Well stop! You can't help! You can't fix this! So just leave me the fuck alone."
Nate didn't wait for Amber to answer as he turned on his heels and headed down the street. He was so angry right now, it wasn't a good idea to be around anyone, especially not her.
The worst part about it all, though, was that, yeah, he was angry at her, but he was even angrier with himself. He hadn't said a thing when Amber had been laying into Erik. He'd been so worried about incriminating himself in his bluff that he'd thought saying nothing would be better. But, looking back on it now, that was the worst thing he could've done. He should've at least made it obvious he didn't think Erik was trying to rape him, especially given Erik's history with his dad having done what he did.
Looking up at him from the lawn, though, Erik had looked like he'd actually believed Amber, believed that he was capable of something like that. Which was fucking ridiculous for so many reasons. First off, it couldn't be rape if Nate wanted it too. And second, Erik hadn't been forceful or pushy or whatever, not even with him being drunk and all. The whole time, he'd been gentle and loving, like he'd always been when they'd been together. Erik would never have hurt him, not even as drunk as he was, and Nate knew it. He was just worried Erik didn't.
It had taken Nate two and a half hours to walk the distance back to his house. He'd spent the rest of the night pacing back and forth, frantically replaying the night's events in his head.
God, he'd fucked up. He really had. He should have said something. But he hadn't. And this so wasn't something he wanted to discuss with Erik over texts, if he would even answer his. No, he needed to talk to him about this in person, at least let him know he didn't feel the same way Amber did. He'd pull him aside and tell him at school, and if he wasn't at school, he'd head over to Sean's and talk to him there, assuming that's where he'd been staying.
Beep. Beep.
Nate flinched, jumping slightly as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone
A text, from, of all people, Sean.
Is Erik with you?
Nate paled as he read and then re-read the text. Fuck.
No. Why? I thought you took him home with you.
I did, but I left him to sleep off the drunken stupor he was in. I woke up a few hours later, and I found the couch empty.
This was so not good. Not at all. Where the hell would Erik go? Nate could only think of one place that would make any sense at all. Pocketing his phone, Nate tip-toed into his mother's bedroom, silently sifting through her purse till he found her keys. Pocketing them, he glanced at the clock before heading back out. It was 2 a.m. That meant he had about 3 hours before she woke up for work.
But whatever . If it took longer than that to find Erik, so be it. He shouldn't be alone, not after what had just happened. And Nate wasn't going to stop till he found him.
He'd taken drivers Ed, so he pretty much knew the basics of how to drive. It took him 40 minutes to cover the distance between his house and his destination. He was nervous as hell, not because he was worried about what his punishment would be if he got caught, but because he didn't have a fucking clue where Erik would be if he wasn't here.
Bringing the car to a stop, Nate ran into the building, jumping into the elevator and pushing the seven button. The second the door slid open, he was out and running again.
Crap. He didn't have a key to the apartment. He had to try though. Turning the door handle, Nate could feel his chest tighten as he realized the apartment was unlocked. Yeah, it was good because that meant he'd be able to come in, but it was also bad, because it meant Erik hadn't cared enough to lock it, or he'd been too wasted to. Or, worse, Zack had broken in and caught Erik while he was alone.
Pushing open the door, Nate scanned the living room, seeing no sign of Erik as he turned on his heels and bolted towards the bedroom-
Nate stopped dead in his tracks as he caught sight of something out of the corner of his eye. Turning to his right, Nate took a sharp breath at the sight that welcomed him.
Erik was slumped on the bathroom floor, his body limp and his eyes closed.
Fuck. No, god no.
Nate bolted to Erik's side and fell to his knees, tears stinging his eyes as he cradled Erik's head in his lap. He had to be passed out from drinking too much. That's what this had to be, right? Because Erik was too smart to go off and do something stupid. He was too good for that.
"Erik. C'mon. Please, wake up. Erik, please-"
Erik's eyes fluttered open, a glazed over look in them as he blinked up at Nate. God, he was cold, and clammy too. He was shaking all over, sweating so bad his shirt was practically clinging to him.
"Nathaniel..." Erik whispered, his voice raspy and strained as he swallowed hard. His eyes were wet, like he'd been crying. Maybe he still was. Nate couldn't tell, not with his own tears falling on to Erik's face. He had this peaceful look on his face, though, this blissfull smile that scared the hell out of Nate. Reaching up, Erik ran a shaky hand along Nate's cheek, only able to hold it up for a second before dropping it back down to his side. "So real...it seems...so real."
"Erik- what-" Nate took a sharp breath, trying to hold back the tears he was choking on so he could speak. "What are you talking about? What happened, Erik? What-"
"Don't cry, Nathaniel. Why are you crying?" Erik frowned slightly, his dull eyes searching Nate's as he reached up again, trying to wipe his tears away.
"Because, you- I-"
Fuck. He couldn't even form a coherent sentence.
"It's alright, Nathaniel. You're safe now. I promise. I made it safe for you."
Nate swallowed hard. What the hell was he talking about? He wasn't making any sense.
"Erik, how- how did you make it safe for me?"
A pained expression spread across Erik's face, like he was remembering something he'd tried so hard to forget, an impossible sadness filling his eyes.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what, Erik? What are you talking about?"
"I never apologized. I never said goodbye."
Nate could feel his whole face pale as he froze. No. He couldn't have heard him right. He couldn't have-
"I never- I never meant to hurt you. I would never let myself. I couldn't let myself. I had to. I had to do it, to keep you safe."
Nate opened his mouth, trying to say something. Except nothing was coming out. Because his mind had just flat-lined, rejecting what Erik had just told him.
No. No. Fuck, no.
"It was the only way. I'm sorry, Nathaniel. I'm sorry. I had to. I couldn't- I couldn't stop myself from loving you. I couldn't- I tried, and I couldn't. You were- right. I hurt everyone I love. I killed my mother, and I almost...I almost-"
Erik's voice cracked, like he couldn't bring himself to say it.
"I couldn't let myself hurt you. I knew...I realized, I would always love you. No matter what. And when I lost control and almost let myself hurt you...I knew it was the only way to keep you safe."
The words coming out of his mouth didn't make sense, not in Nate's mind. They weren't real. They couldn't be.
"You're okay." Erik whispered, looking up at Nate through half lidded eyes. "You're safe now. Zack will leave you alone, now that I'm gone. He won't hurt you- or your mother. And I can't hurt you now either. See. I made it safe for you."
"Erik. No. No. No.-" Nate could feel panic began to take over as he stumbled over his words. "No. Why- no."
"Shhh, Nathaniel. It's alright. I promise. Everything's alright now-"
"No, it's not. It's not alright." Nate could feel his body began to rock back and forth as he began to lose it. "Erik, you can't – you can't leave me. You can't. I need you. I need you here, with me. Please- what did you do, Erik? What-"
Fuck. Nate had to take a few shallow breaths to stop from stumbling over his words before continuing.
"What did you do to yourself?"
Erik blinked a few times, shaking his head.
"It doesn't matter-"
"No, Erik. I need to know. I need to know, so I can-"
Shit. He needed to get some help. He needed to call for someone, call 9-1-1.
Pulling out his cell phone, Nate dialed the number, quickly giving them the address. A curious expression spread across Erik's face as he looked up at him.
"It's- it's going to be alright, Erik." Nate stuttered, hanging up the phone. "I'm going to get you some help, alright-"
"It's too late for that, Nathaniel. Can't you see it?"
"See what, Erik?"
"Heaven. This is heaven."
Nate shook his head. Shit, he must still be drunk off his ass, or whatever he'd done must've still been in his system.
"Erik-no- we're not-" God. He couldn't even get the rest of the words out, he was shaking so bad now. Fuck, he was scared. More scared than he'd ever been in his life. What if Erik died? What if Erik died in his arms, and never knew the truth.
"Yes, I am. Can't you see it? This is my heaven, in your arms."
Nate choked on his breath, freezing.
"I know you're not really here." Erik whispered, his eyes growing heavy. "I know this isn't real, that you're still back there, living and breathing. But, that's what brings me peace. Knowing that you're safe now"
His voice trailing off, Erik's hand dropped back down to his side as his eyes began to flutter closed. Nate could feel panic well up in his chest as he shook Erik.
"No. Erik. You can't close your eyes. Not right now. I want you to stay with me. I need you here with me."
Erik forced his eyes open, though it was obviously a struggle for him to do so. His breathing had become labored, his chest rising and falling slower and slower each time.
"Be at ease, Nathaniel. This wasn't your fault. I never blamed you. This was my choice, because I love you. This was my...decision..."
"Erik, no. That's not- I don't- I need you. I need you with me here."
But Erik was already drifting off, looking up at him with half lidded eyes as he blinked in a futile attempt to keep himself awake.
This couldn't be happening. No. This so couldn't be happening.
"Erik, talk to me. C'mon, please."
Fuck. He wasn't opening his eyes anymore. He wasn't shaking either. But he was cold, so cold.
"Please. God, no. Please. Erik- you can't- I can't-" Nate could hear the ambulance in the distance, a few blocks away. "Please, Erik. Please. Just hang on, just hang on a little longer. I love you. I love you . Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know- I didn't think that- I was trying to protect you. I was. I was trying to keep you safe. But Erik, please. I can't- I can't stay here without you. I can't do this without you. I won't. I'm gonna- I'm gonna fix this. I promise. I'm gonna fix this and make everything better if you just stay with me. Please, Erik. Please."
He was begging, pleading, murmuring prayers to a god he wasn't even sure he believed in. This couldn't be happening. His mind kept rejecting the idea that this was really happening. Except it was. No matter if he could live with the end result or not.
Zack had been right. Some things were worse than death. Watching Erik go limp in his arms, not knowing if he was ever going to wake up again or not, and knowing it was all because of him...that was worse than a bullet to the head. Without a doubt.