Nate glanced over at Erik, who was now anxiously running a hand through his hair, pacing the length of Sean's living room.
"No. I don't believe anything good can come from this."
"Erik, c'mon." Nate pleaded, looking back down at the calling card in his hand. When Sean and Amber had called about Zack breaking into the apartment and leaving a calling card, they'd neglected to mention the calling card had been left for one person in specific. Him.
The apartment had remained relatively undisturbed, the only sign Zack had even been there in the form of the calling card he'd left on the dining room table, and the small note attached to it, giving detailed instructions for Nate and only Nate to call him at the number written on it. It had also included a nice little tid bit about how he was flattered by the sudden interest Erik had taken in him, following him around and all. So, obviously, that meant breaking into his apartment would be out of the question. He'd known he was being tailed all along.
"We need a break here, something to pin on him. We're not even gonna be able to break into his apartment now, Erik. Maybe if I talk to him, he'll slip up, and-"
"I don't want you having any more contact with him, Nathaniel. Your last encounter with him almost proved to be fatal. I do not wish to press our luck in a similar circumstance again."
"But, Erik, it's gonna be over the phone-"
"I don't care. It still poses a relative threat-"
"Erik, the little shit's got a point." Sean interrupted, followed be a shrill noise of agreement from Amber. "I mean, right now, we've got nothing. And he's got enough ammunition to take us all down here. I know you want to keep your little boy toy safe and all, but I assure you, he's not gonna be safe when Zack turns us all in to the police and he gets sent to jail-"
"Jail? Why would he go to jail?" Amber asked, her eyes drifting from Sean to Nate, and then Erik.
"It's complicated." Sean grumbled, dismissing her with a wave of his hand. "But seriously, Erik-"
"Wait. Why would Nate go to jail?" Amber interrupted again, her voice a little more alarmed this time.
"Listen, Amber." Nate said, turning to her before Sean could light into her for interrupting him a second time. "You don't want to know. Honestly. And telling you would only make this situation worse. All I can say is that Zack knows that I know something that could get me locked up."
"So. Wait. Like, you lied to me-"
"Oh shut the fuck up!" Sean snarled, turning and glaring at her. "It doesn't matter, alright. The details aren't what's fucking important here. What's done is done. All you need to know is Zack's little grudge against Erik, it's about more than just him being with Nate, and Zack knows shit that could get the three of us locked up for a hell of a long time."
Amber made a pouty face, crossing her arms in front of her. "I hate when people keep secrets from me."
Erik cleared his throat, stepping forward slightly. "Yes, well some secrets kill, Amber, and I assure you that if I could have kept this one from Nathaniel, I would have."
Nate made a noise of protest, opening his mouth to object only to be cut off by Erik, though this time it was obvious he wasn't talking to her.
"It's bad enough that I've involved you in this, Nathaniel. My actions inadvertently almost led to your death. I will not allow you to be put in danger because of me again."
"Yeah, well, I hate to break it to you, but it's not only your choice. I'm not going to sit here twiddling my thumbs while some psychopath goes after my boyfriend, especially when there's something I might be able to do about it."
"Nathaniel, I'm sorry, but I can't let you-"
Sean cut in, stepping towards his brother. "Alright, well, seeing as you two are squabbling like some pathetic married couple, I say we take a vote-"
"Absolutely not-"
Ignoring Erik's protests, Sean continued. "Alright, so, who thinks Nate should make the call?"
Sean raised his hand, followed by Nate, and after a quick kick to the shins from Nate, Amber as well.
Erik's eyes flared, his possessive nature taking over.
"I don't care about the outcome of some vote. This is not negotiable."
Nate took a step towards Erik, grabbing his hand and pulling him off to the side a little. Strong-arming him into a decision obviously wasn't going to work. Speaking in a hushed voice so that only Erik could hear, Nate squeezed Erik's hand gently.
"Erik, please, think about this. We've got to do this . We have no other choice. You know if we don't play along with his little game, he's going to get pissed and turn you in. Then we'll all be in deep shit. Now c'mon. It's just a phone call. You'll be right here, not in another state like last time. ...trust me to do this. "
Erik looked torn, his features growing tense for a minute as his eyes locked with Nate's. After a few seconds, though, he let out a tense sigh, swallowing hard.
"Fine. But you are to tell me if he threatens you in any way, Nathaniel."
Nate nodded immediately, feeling an odd sense of relief wash over him. Erik wasn't the only one that felt powerless here. Yeah, physically, he was pretty much useless. But now he was being presented with a chance to actually be able to help Erik, and he'd never forgive himself if he didn't take it.
Going back to Sean and Amber, Nate held Erik's hand as he whipped out his cell phone, his hands shaking slightly as he dialed the number on the calling card Zack had left. The phone rang twice before a voice sounded on the other line.
"Ah, so I see you got my calling card." Zack drawled, his voice smooth sending a chill down Nate's spine. God, didn't hearing him again bring back memories. Nate clung to Erik's hand a little tighter, trying to keep himself calm as he continued.
"Yeah. I got it. What the hell do you want from me? And what exactly wasn't clear about Sean's threat to you last time we talked?"
"Oh, come now, Nate. We both know Sean would never be brash enough to put a bullet in my head. He couldn't even do so to his own mother. No, his younger brother had to do the dirty deed, didn't he?"
Nate swallowed hard, glad no one but him could hear what Zack was saying. It wasn't as if Erik and Sean didn't live with enough guilt because of what happened. No, now some psycho that their poor excuse for a father pissed off had to come back and use it against them. God, he was such a fucking bastard. In the worst way possible.
"What the hell do you want-"
"Fine. I see you're in no mood for small talk, so I'll get straight to the point. This is what you're going to do. You're going to tell Erik that you can't stand being with him anymore, that what he did to his mother is too much for you to handle. You're going to tell him that you never loved him, that you were just using him as a place to stay. And you're going to make sure it hurts when you tell him. Then, you're going to leave, and go back to living with your mother."
Nate could feel his throat close up and grown dry as he realized what the next few words out of Zack's mouth were going to be.
"And if you don't, I will go to the police with what I know, or take matters into my own hands. And do not think about telling Erik, or anyone else for the matter, that you are acting against your will, or it will produce the same outcome."
Holy shit. No, god no. He couldn't do this.
"You see, the main difference between me and your little boyfriend is that I have nothing to lose. And he does, specifically, you. The epiphany occurred to me sometime between when I had my gun pressed to your temple and when Sean made that half-hearted attempt to blow my head off. You see, Sean has Erik to lose. And Erik has you and his brother to lose. And you have him. Sean would never have actually shot me. Because with him in jail, who would be there to look after Erik? You? Please, we both know that you can't even look out for yourself, let alone Erik. Sean having to come and save you was a prime example of that."
Christ, he was right. Totally twisted and fucked up in the head, but right.
"So, in a way, this is really the only way that you can protect your boyfriend, Nate. You're nothing but a liability to him. That's the good thing about not loving someone or being loved. You see, I reap the benefit of living solely for myself, and will always act to preserve my own survival above everyone else's. Erik, however, ca not do the same, or, rather, will not. We both know that if it came down to it, he would put you before anyone else, even himself."
What the hell was he supposed to say to that? For being such a god damn psychopath, right now Zack was making a whole lot of sense. Everything he'd said up until this point had been the truth. And, honestly, he had Nate between a rock and a hard place, and he knew it.
How could he not do what Zack was telling him to when it might end up getting Erik killed or locked up if he didn't?
Taking a deep breath, Nate could feel Erik's eyes on him, studying him intently. Glancing up, he met his gaze for a split second, locking eyes with him.
The mixture of love and concern in his eyes told Nate everything he needed to know.
He knew what he had to do. Fuck. He really didn't want to, and it was going to be the hardest thing he'd ever done, but he had to do it. For Erik's sake. Having Erik all heartbroken and shit was a lot better than having him lying in the morgue with a bullet through his head.
The whole time they'd been together, Erik had always been the one protecting and looking out for him. Finally, it was his turn to save Erik, to protect him. And he was going to do everything he could to keep him safe.
"Fine. "
"Good. You won't be able to reach me at this number any longer, but I will be calling you on your cell phone in the near future, just to see how things went. Good luck. And remember. Make sure it hurts."
God. What an evil son of a bitch.
Nate kept the phone pressed to his ear as the line went dead, stalling for time. He knew, if he was going to do this, he had to do it now. Or he'd never do it.
Putting the phone down, Nate kept his eyes on the ground, avoiding everyone's gaze as he cleared his throat.
"Nathaniel, what did Zack say to you-"
"I want to go home. Now."
He could only guess that in the brief silence that followed, the three of them were exchanging puzzled glances, before Erik took a step forward.
"Nathaniel, we'll have to stay here at Sean's till we resolve our problems with Zack. Then we can permanently move into the apartment-"
"No. Not your home. My home." Nate forced himself to look up, and hoped to god he wasn't letting on what was really going on here. Erik was studying him carefully, his eyes never leaving his face. He knew this was out of character for him. How could he not. Earlier that day they'd just made love for the first time, and now he was telling Erik he wanted to go back to living with his mother.
"Nathaniel," he said slowly, his eyes narrowing. " What exactly did Zack say to you-"
"Wait." Sean interjected, obviously catching on a little too late to what Nate had said. "What the fuck do you mean, 'the apartment'?"
"Later, Sean." Erik mumbled, not even sparing him a sideways glance as he stared intently down at Nate. "Nathaniel, please, what did Zack say to you?"
He really didn't want to go where he was about to. But he had to. It was the only thing that he knew would honestly get to Erik. And that's what he needed to do. Get to him. Hurt him. Because, knowing Erik, he wouldn't just let him walk out over some stupid little fight. It needed to be something big, big enough to keep Erik from chasing after him. And there was only one topic that would do that.
"My mom. He threatened to hurt my mom, alright. I'm not going to let my mother end up like yours and die because her son made some stupid decision."
Fuck. Erik looked like he'd just taken a blow to the face, though his features contorted only slightly. He was holding back, no doubt, because Sean and Amber were in the room. The pain in his eyes, though, was unmistakable. He'd hurt him, bad, just like Zack had wanted. He'd hit Erik right where he knew he was vulnerable, taken the most personal thing he'd trusted him with and used it against him.
"Why, you little fucker-" Sean lunged forwards, his face contorted in anger, his fists aimed in Nate's direction. Erik put his hand out to stop his brother, though, holding him back and waving him off.
"What, wait. I don't get it. What happened with Erik's mother?" Amber's gaze drifted between the three of them, her question remaining unanswered as Nate forced himself to continue.
"See, unlike you, I actually love my mother. And I would never do anything to hurt her. I mean, honestly, what you did to your mom, that was fucked up. And disgusting. And repulsive."
Fuck. Nate could feel his own chest tear in two as the words spilled out of his mouth. His breath was burning in his throat as a nauseous, sickening feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. He felt like he was going to be sick, physically ill because of what he was doing.
Erik's whole body had gone tense, physically taking a step back in reaction to Nate's words. For once in the three years Nate had known Erik, he stared back at him, not saying a word. He had no witty remark, no smirk on his face, no quick comeback. Then again, words weren't necessary. Not when Nate could see every ounce of pain he was feeling in his eyes.
And didn't that just make him want to back out and tell Erik this was all a lie, and that he loved him and he always would.
Keep going. Keep going. You've got to keep going, for his sake.
"Nathaniel-I- I don't understand-"
"I can't do this, Erik. Be with you. I thought I could at first, but I can't. I mean, for Christ sake, you killed your own mother, Erik. You say you love me, but I'm sure you told her the same thing. Honestly, I doubt you're even capable of loving anyone."
Even Sean's face had gone lax, Amber's contorted to one of horror as she regarded Erik like he'd just turned into some kind of horrible monster. Of course, she was only hearing the part about Erik killing his mother. Not all the other details.
Erik was staring at him like he didn't understand what he'd just said, like he couldn't have possibly heard him right. Because they loved each other, because they'd been through so much. Because they'd just made love. And he'd bought them an apartment. Because just earlier they'd talked about the future that they would have together.
"I've been thinking these things ever since you told me about your past, Erik. I was waiting for the right time to tell you, but then my mom kicked me out when I told her I was gay, and I needed a place to stay...I'm going to move back in with my mom. I'm sure she'll have forgiven me by now...What happened between us earlier...it was a mistake, alright. I shouldn't have let it get that far, especially knowing it was more than just sex to you, when that's all it was to me-"
Sean looked like he'd just blown a blood vessel, his whole face turning an unhealthy purplish red. He didn't say a thing, though. His face had taken on a deathly serious expression, his eyes focused on his brother.
Erik was...fuck, he just looked...worse than that night when Zack had torn up all his mother's books. His eyes were on Nate, focused on his as if he was trying to find something on his face that would tell him what he was saying was a lie. Nate knew he shouldn't look him in the eyes, not when he was like this, but he could tear his gaze away from the pained desperation he was seeing in them. It killed him to know that he was the reason there was so much hurt and pain in his eyes, that he'd hurt Erik like this when Erik had trusted him. His eyes were burning a hole in his chest the way they were pleading with him to just speak up and say this was all some sick joke, the way they seemed so torn over him.
God. He wasn't even worth it. Couldn't Erik see that? He'd never deserved for Erik to love him, and he sure as hell wasn't worth all the fucking pain in Erik's eyes.
But that was what love was, wasn't it? Giving someone the power to completely and totally tear you apart and trusting them not to. Well, he'd just done it. He'd just taken everything Erik had trusted him with and thrown it away like it was nothing to him.
"I'm sorry, Erik. I can't, I just-"
"I love you."
Fuck. He wasn't saying it like a statement. He was saying it like...like it was the only thing that made sense anymore, like it didn't matter that he had just screwed him over and hurt him where he knew he was most vulnerable. Like he would forgive him in a second and take him back if Nate would let him.
Nate swallowed hard, turning his back to Erik.
"Yeah...well, don't. I don't want to end up like your mom. She was the only other person you ever loved, wasn't she?"
Nate could hear Sean lunge for him again, undoubtedly held back by Erik. Gah. Even now, after he had just broken Erik's heart like this, he was still protecting him.
Forcing himself not to look back, Nate forced his feet forward, walking out of Sean's apartment without another word.
Fuck. He felt like shit. No, worse than shit. He felt like just curling up in a ball and crying his eyes out like the big baby he was and hiding from the rest of the world. In that moment, Nate could say without a doubt that he'd never hated himself more than he did right now. Yeah, he was doing this to protect Erik. But he was still hurting him, point blank, like no one else could. And he would never forgive himself for it.
He didn't know where he was going. Or what he was even doing. And, honestly, he didn't care. He could feel tears running down his face, blurring his vision. Thank god he'd been able to hold them in in front of Erik.
"Hey, Nate, wait up!"
Nate cursed as he heard Amber's high-pitched voice call out from behind him.
God damn it. He just wanted to be alone. He didn't feel like explaining the whole situation to her right now...though he'd have to make sure she kept her mouth shut about Erik and didn't tell anyone.
Jogging up beside him, Amber cast an angry glance in his direction.
"Nate! Why didn't you tell me Erik killed his mother?"
Nate tried to ignore the numbness he felt spreading through him, slowly shaking his head.
"It's not like that. I mean, there's more to the story, Amber-"
"Still! To kill your own mother! God, and I thought he was a good guy-"
"He is!" Crap. He was going to have to stop that if he expected her to buy the little act he'd put on back there in the apartment. He still needed to make sure Amber didn't blab about Erik killing his mother, though, before he accidentally forget with all that had just happened. " You can't tell anyone, Amber. Not a soul. Do you understand?" Nate said, a moment of clarity coming over him as he narrowed his eyes at Amber.
"Nate, why does it even matter? I mean, you guys are broken up now-"
"Because. Just promise me. Alright."
"Okay. But why are you crying-"
Shit. Nate rubbed at his eyes violently, feeling more disgusted with himself than anything else. God. Erik had been the one who'd just gotten his heart broken, and here he was crying like a pathetic wimp.
"I'm just upset about what Zack said about threatening my mom, alright. Can you just give me a ride back to my house?"
Amber nodded, finally taking note of the fact that Nate wasn't in a talkative mood and continuing on in silence.
Nate stared up at the small white house he'd called home for so long. The place he'd called home before Erik. Funny, now it just looked more like a prison. But whatever. It's not like it really mattered where he lived anyways, if it wasn't going to be with Erik.
He just needed to get this over with, though. 'Cause this was his life now. And, fuck, wasn't that a depressing thought. He felt hurt and angry and empty all at once. Yet, numb, or rather indifferent, at the same time.
He deserved to be hurting, though. To feel pain. Because he'd hurt Erik, made him feel pain and left him to make sense of the past few months they'd spent together. God, he couldn't even imagine thinking their whole relationship had been a lie. That was worse, definitely, than anything he was feeling or going through. So, yeah, he deserved to feel this way. Without a doubt.
Lifting his hand, Nate pressed down once on the doorbell and waited. After a few seconds, the door squeaked open, Nate's mother's frame appearing in the doorway.
God, she looked old, or at least a lot older than he remembered her being. Or maybe it was just him. He felt like he'd aged a lifetime these past few hours. Yeah. It was probably just him.
"Nathaniel..." Nate's mother drew his name out in one long, breathy word. Was it wrong that right now he couldn't even bring himself to care if she was happy to see him or not?
Moving forward, Nate's mother pulled him into a warm embrace, her eye's tearing up slightly.
"Oh, Nathaniel, I've missed you so much."
Nate stiffened at her touch, but didn't pull away. He knew he should probably be happy and all that she seemed pleased at his return, but he couldn't bring himself to. He just couldn't. And it was wrong, and all sorts of fucked up, but he would have chosen to live with Erik over moving back in with his mother any day.
Pulling away slightly, Nate's mother cradled his face in her hands, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.
"I knew you would come to your senses. I just knew it. And we'll start counseling immediately to correct your little problem-"
Nate opened his mouth to object, only to realize it didn't really matter what his mother decided to fool herself into believing his sexual orientation was. Because there was no way he was ever going to date any guy except for Erik, and he wasn't ever going to be able to do that now that Zack had come into the picture.
So whatever. He would just end up being asexual.
"Now, I kept your room exactly like it was before you left..."
Grabbing his hand, Nate's mother led him into the house, ushering him into the kitchen.
"Are you hungry, or thirsty-"
"No." Nate had a feeling he wasn't going to feel like eating or drinking anytime soon. "Actually...can I just go lie down...I'm kinda tired."
Nate's mother's eyes narrowed for a split second, as if she planned on asking him where he'd disappeared off to all this time or why he was so tired. She forced a smile onto her face, however, obviously deciding to ignore the fact that he'd been gone for over a month doing shit she had no idea about.
"Of course, Nathaniel. I'm sure you're tired. Besides, you have school tomorrow. We want you to be nice and rested."
Nate didn't even bother sparing her a small smile as he turned and headed back up to his bedroom. Pushing open the door, he shook his head, taking in the sight of his old bedroom and closing the door securely behind him.
Christ, she hadn't been lying. Everything was exactly as he'd left it over a month ago.
Being back here, acting like nothing had ever happened between him and Erik made him feel so...tired. Like the only thing he wanted to do was sleep. Hell, he felt like he could sleep forever. It's not like he'd be missing anything anyways.
Slumping down onto his bed, Nate reached over to turn off his light switch and froze. His closet was slightly ajar, the tux Erik had bought him for homecoming hanging neatly from a hanger.
Fuck.
Nate squinted, trying to keep himself from crying again and failing miserably. Didn't that just bring back a shitload of memories.
Standing up, Nate slowly made his way over to his closet, reaching out and holding the tux up to his face. He could barely smell Erik's familiar fresh scent, from whatever body wash he used, mixed with the slight peppermint aroma he always smelled of. Pulling the tux off of the hanger, Nate stumbled back over to his bed, not bothering to pull the covers up as he turned off the light and hugged the tux tightly to his chest, burying his face in the fabric.
Maybe, just maybe, if he closed his eyes tight enough, he could pretend like Erik was lying next to him. Like things were how they used to be. Like he hadn't just broken the heart of the only person he'd ever loved.
.
Just freakin' great. His day was getting better and better. He didn't need to have caller I.D. to know who was calling him. Hell, Zack had probably been sitting around all day looking forward to this little conversation.