Warnings: Death. Overall sadness. Talk of loved ones dying and other trauma similar to that.
If you like fluffy angsty Kylo then you're in luck.
Just as Kylo had wanted, you ended up sleeping in the hotel bed with him.
You also ended up having sex three more times before the two of you fell asleep early in the morning, with the sun coming through the curtains and your legs tangled up together.
It was almost noon when you woke up to the sound of the hotel room door opening and quiet conversation taking place. You blinked as your eyes adjusted to the light. Once they did, you were able to see that Kylo had been answering the door, in just his underwear, to let in the room service he had just ordered the two of you.
You had gotten about five hours of sleep which wasn't terrible but after the physical toll that Kylo had taken on you over the course of the night, you were exhausted. And worse, you knew that today would be emotionally exhausting as well because you had to visit your mom.
"You're awake." Kylo commented, glancing at you over his shoulder while he poured two cups of coffee. You noticed the bite marks he had on the back of his shoulder and you laughed, remembering exactly when you had left those there.
"If you think that's funny, you should look at your legs." Kylo told you with a smirk while handing you one of the cups he had just poured. You frowned in confusion and moved the blanket away from you. He was right, your thighs, especially your inner thighs, were covered in hickeys.
"Kylo!" You gasped, moving your legs around to see how bad the damage was. He had a big smug smile on his face. "What the hell am I supposed to do when we get back? I'll have to wear pants for weeks."
You threw one of the many pillows on the bed at the back of his head.
"You didn't seem to mind last night." Kylo smirked, "Unless that was the reason you were screaming so much?" He teased you. You were loud... it wasn't your fault.
You didn't say it out loud but you wondered how you were going to hide them from Hux. Oh well, just add it to the list of things you were keeping from him.
You started to get out of bed so that you could grab the food that had just been brought in but Kylo stopped you, casually pushing you back onto the bed with a single hand. You landed on the mattress with a huff. "I'm hungry." You whined. You weren't in the mood for him to mess with you.
"I know. You barely ate anything at dinner last night. Sit down, I'll get you something." He told you, already putting things onto a plate for you.
You settled back onto the bed, getting comfortable with your back against the plush headboard. You weren't going to argue with him on that.
A few minutes later, the two of you were both in bed with plates of food in front you.
Kylo thought back to what had set him off at dinner the night before. It had been when he had a vision of waking up with you in his bed and bringing you breakfast...He chuckled out loud at the irony of it. That's exactly what the two of you were doing now.
"What's funny?" You asked, taking a long sip of coffee. "If you're laughing at me for some reason, I will pour this on your lap." You warned, holding up your steaming cup.
Kylo shook his head, "Just thinking."
You shrugged, "Okay, weirdo." You muttered, reaching for a piece of bacon.
He caught your chin in his hand and tilted your head so that you were looking up at him. Then he leaned down and pressed his lips against yours. It was innocent but there was something else there...affection maybe.
It was a weird feeling to just casually kiss Kylo like this. You had waited so long to kiss each other and last night you had only done it while you two were having sex so it had seemed like just a part of that. This was different. There was no reason for him to kiss you other than the fact that he just wanted to.
At that thought, you pulled away from him and took a bite of the food you had been reaching for, not wanting him to see how badly you were trying not to smile.
There was a comfortable silence between the two of you with the TV playing softly in the background, the weatherman informing the viewers what the temperature was going to be that day.
"What time do you want to go to the hospital?" Kylo asked you.
You glanced at the clock, "A few hours. I need to prepare myself." You frowned, thinking about the fact that you actually had to go see her. You suddenly became overwhelmed with the idea of it all. You leaned your head back against the headboard and shut your eyes. Maybe if you went back to sleep you wouldn't have to go do it.
It took a little bit but when you began to snore just slightly, Kylo looked over and noticed you had fallen asleep. He sighed and nudged you.
You stirred slightly but ignored him, pushing his elbow away from your side where he was trying to wake you up. "Stop." You whined.
Kylo rolled his eyes. "Come on, you brat. You're barely eating again."
Again, you didn't move besides to shimmy down in the bed a little to make you more comfortable. Then you felt something against your lips. Opening an eye, you saw that Kylo was holding a fork with some food on it up to your mouth.
"Eat." He told you sternly. "You'll feel sick by the time we leave if you don't."
You were pouty but you took the bite. Even if you weren't thrilled that he was feeding you, you had to admit that you were hungry and the food smelled good.
"Good girl." Kylo praised you then held an other forkful up to your mouth once you were ready for it. It continued that way for a bit until you told him you were done. He didn't argue, you had eaten enough to please him.
Once he was done serving you, you noticed that he began eating again. Your face felt hot, realizing that he had focused on you and made sure you had eaten enough before feeding himself. You couldn't believe how much whiplash he gave you. Within less than 24 hours, you wanted to kill him then fuck him and now you wanted to hug him. You weren't sure which side of himself was the real one. Maybe none of them were...
You really weren't sure where you stood with him now or how you felt about him. You still didn't trust him. He had admitted to you that he would use this information you gave him to eventually wrong you in the future if you didn't do what he wanted. But then he'd do things like feed you your breakfast to make sure you were eating enough. What the fuck?
All you knew was that just the thought of him made your skin feel on fire. It was something you'd never felt before and even if you knew it was wrong, you loved it.
A few hours later the two of you were in the back of the car, on your way to the hospital. You were biting your nails and tapping your foot against the floor of the backseat. You really didn't want to do this.
Kylo glanced over and saw how nervous you were. He didn't know the dynamic between you and your mother, he really didn't know anything about your family besides what you had told him so far but he easily understood what it was like to have a strained relationship with a parent, to say the least.
He reached out and put a hand on your knee, stopping your foot from tapping. "Hey, worrying isn't going to help." He told you with a frown. He didn't know what to say to you. He considered himself to be good with words when it came to manipulating other people but when it came to expressing himself or helping others through their emotions, he was clueless.
You could tell he was frustrated because he didn't know what to say. But you also knew he was trying. You put your hand on top of his, keeping your foot still with a halfhearted smile.
You kept telling Kylo that you would've preferred for him to stay at the hotel while you did this but he insisted that he come with. He said that if the cops were to show up any where it would probably be here since this was the one place they knew you would for sure be at. You didn't like the idea of Kylo being a part of something so intimate in your life. You were essentially seeing your mom for the last time and he was going to be around for that.
By the look on his face it was clear that he wasn't going to enjoy this either. It was actually one the last things he would ever want to do, he realized. But he didn't want to risk staying at the hotel in case someone tried to question you without him around.
You shivered as you walked through the hallway of the hospital. The nurse was showing you and Kylo where your mom's room was at.
"Here it is." She said, pausing at one of the doors. "There are a few things I need to tell you before you go inside, though." She informed you, looking down at your mom's chart that was in her hands.
The nurse proceeded to tell you that your mom had been in a coma for awhile now and they were giving her until the end of this week to see if her condition improved but it didn't look good and based on how far you lived from there, it would be best to say your goodbyes.
You took all of this in, it was no surprise, it was essentially what Officer Dameron had informed you of when he met up with you. Your mom had a condition and you had always known about it. She was sick throughout a lot of your childhood so this wasn't a bombshell of an idea. It was far from the first time you'd visited her in the hospital but it felt strange for this to be the last time you would.
The nurse let you know to take as much time as you needed and to just let the front desk know when you were leaving.
When it was just you and Kylo, you couldn't even look at the door. "Okay, we showed up here and talked to a few workers. I have an alibi. We can leave."
Kylo furrowed his brow at you, "What are you talking about? You aren't actually going to see her?" He didn't realize that had been the plan.
You shook your head. "I can't do it. I don't want to."
He realized that it wasn't the original plan. You were just scared and you wanted to escape the situation. "Why not?" He pressed.
You wrapped your arms around yourself, "She hates me. She wouldn't want me here."
Kylo was becoming uncomfortable. He had no idea how to help you. "I doubt that."
"You've never met her." You turned to walk away, "Let's go. Please."
He reached out and grabbed your arm. You paused and looked up at him. You could tell that he wanted to leave just as badly as you did.
"No one's forcing you to do this. If you really don't want to, we'll get the hell out of here." He said, "But I think if you walk away because you're scared, you're going to regret it."
You thought about it and you knew he was right. You weren't leaving to honor your mom's wishes or because you thought it was the right thing to do. You wanted to leave because you were anxious.
Kylo noticed your change in demeanor as you thought it over. "Come on, you're a tough girl." He teased you then moved his head down so he could speak quieter. "You've been lying to a mob boss for years and you've killed multiple storm troopers. You can handle going into that room." His lip twitched up into a quick smile. Was he doing this right? He had no idea. He hoped he wasn't making it worse.
Kylo's words honestly did help. He was right. You've handled a lot and you could handle this too. You would kick yourself later if you didn't do it.
"Okay, just give me a minute." You said hesitantly.
He sighed in relief, glad that he didn't need to force any more pep talks. "I'll be right outside." He let you know and he motioned to the wall next to the door you'd be going into.
You took a deep shaky breath and your hand hovered above the door handle. You grabbed it and almost pulled it to enter but then stopped.
You got onto your tip toes and gave Kylo a brief kiss, letting it give you some confidence. Then with that, you opened the door and went inside.
You weren't exactly sure how long you'd been in there. Time was the last thing that you had been thinking about as you sat in the chair next to your dying mother.
You didn't say anything to her for the majority of your time, would she even be able to hear you? You weren't sure. But before you left you did grab her hand and tell her how sorry you were for everything you'd done.
Mostly, you had cried, a lot.
You had made sure to pull yourself together before you left her room. Not only did you not want Kylo to see you such a mess but you didn't want anyone else seeing it either.
When you exited the room, you saw Kylo leaning against the wall across from you, furiously typing away at his phone screen, doing mob business even when he was hours away from it. When he heard the door shut, he straightened up and looked you over. It was clear that you had been crying, of course you had, but he was relieved to see that you weren't still as upset as you most likely had been in there.
You didn't say anything to him, just motioned with your head to start walking. He joined your side and was silent as well, his hands in his pockets.
Neither of you had said anything the entire time you rode back to the hotel. Even when you first got to the hotel, you had wordlessly gone into the bathroom to be alone. You splashed some water on your face then sat on the edge of the bathtub, your head in your hands.
After some time had passed, you went back out into the main room. Kylo was in the lounge room, on the phone. You heard a few snippets of conversation that let you know he was talking about some sort of mob deal that didn't concern you.
You sunk onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Somehow, your mind was racing but it was also completely blank. You had so many thoughts that it was impossible grab on to any of them specifically, they were all just buzzing by in a blur.
You barely noticed Kylo settling into bed next to you. He was rigid, uncomfortable. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked you, turning his head to look at you.
"No." You said instantly.
Kylo paused, wondering what he should do. "Do you want me to leave for a while?"
"No." You repeated. You looked over at him, "I know you don't want to be here but please stay with me."
He stared at you and nodded. "I'm here. I'll stay here." He assured you. He'd heard pleads this way during sex, during deals, times when he'd have his gun pressed against someone's head as they begged for their life...But to have someone ask for him to just be there, he'd never heard that before.
The two of you were silent for a while. He stared at you while you stared at the ceiling. He tensed when he saw tears fall from your eyes and down your cheek but he said nothing. He knew you'd be embarrassed if he did.
"Can you talk to me?" You asked him in a small voice, "About anything. Something stupid, I don't care." You needed to stop your thoughts from racing, you kept thinking of painful memories.
Kylo struggled to think of what to say. Something stupid... "Last night at dinner...That was my first date."
You tried to figure out what he meant. "What do you mean? Our first date? I know it was." You didn't mean to sound irritated.
He shook his head, "That was my first date. The first date I'd ever been on...with anyone."
This actually was a good thing for him to talk about it because it preoccupied your mind. "Huh?" You asked. You understood what he was saying now but you didn't believe it. It was a topic that was far from any worries you were having about your mom and you were glad to think about it instead.
Kylo was pleased that it seemed like he had distracted you. "I don't see the point in them, I've just never been on one. If I want to have sex, I'll pick someone up at a bar or a party." He said like it was obvious.
You couldn't help but laugh, wiping away the tears on your face so that you could turn to look at him. "Most people go on dates for more than just sex." You informed him. You remembered when you had initially met Kylo, when you had gone to dinner with him and Hux, he hadn't brought a date. You thought it was a little weird at the time but it was funny to think about now that you knew Kylo just didn't understand the reason you'd go on a date with someone.
He raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean? Why else would you go on one?"
"Probably to find someone." You said then at his confusion, "Like...find someone that you might be able to fall in love with and start a relationship with."
Kylo wrinkled his nose, "I doubt it, you're being optimistic."
"So last night, that was just to have sex with me?" You asked, propping your head up with your elbow.
"No," He said quickly, not even having to think about it, "You're different. I told you that."
You wanted to smile and maybe you would've if he would've said that at a time when you weren't already so upset. You shook your head and looked down at the sheet under you. "If I'm so different then why would you hold the threat of blackmailing me over my head?"
Kylo was taken back. He wasn't expecting you to bring that up right now. "Do you actually think I'll do that to you?"
You locked eyes with him again and nodded, "Yeah. I do. I can't trust you. I'll never trust you."
Kylo felt that stab in his stomach again. He glanced down, nope you didn't have an actual knife this time either. The worst part was that it was all his fault that you felt this way. It had been his goal from the beginning to push you away and he wondered if there was any way to take it back.
And now those bad thoughts were back. You sat up, turning your back to him. Then, despite yourself you started crying. Hard. You felt so alone.
Kylo was frozen in place. If he had felt a stab in his stomach before, it now felt like someone was twisting the knife and digging it in deeper. He said your name softly, reaching out to you.
When you felt his hand against your back, you shook him off. You stood up, wanting to go into the next room so you didn't have to do this in front of him.
He said your name again and was quickly off of the bed. Kylo grabbed you by your waist, moving so that you were facing him. He wrapped his arms around you.
You struggled against him, this was humiliating for you.
"Please," Kylo sighed, trying to hold you still. "Please," He repeated, "I can't stand seeing you cry."
You weren't sure if it was how desperate that his voice sounded or just how exhausted you were but you found yourself collapsing against him. Then after a few moments of crying against his chest, you wrapped your arms around him, clutching onto the material of his shirt.
He was still uncomfortable with the amount of emotion you were displaying but he was acting on instinct. Comforting you was coming natural to him in this moment, he knew exactly what to do right now, he wasn't sure how. He let you cry against him for a while. He didn't say a word. He just rubbed your back and kissed the top of your head every now and then.
Kylo was sick to his stomach. He knew you were mostly crying because of your mom but there was a part of you that was crying because you were conflicted over your feelings for him and that was entirely his fault.
Last night he beat himself up over feeling this weakness for you but tonight he was just allowing himself to feel it and act on it. He wasn't sure if he'd ever have this opportunity again, to be his true self around you. He ached for the feeling of being normal after getting a taste of it last night.
At some point, he picked you up and carried you to the bed with him. He laid down with his back propped up against the headboard and he placed you in between his legs, so that you could lay against him with your back to his chest.
Just as Kylo was denying his instincts of pushing you away, you were now denying your instincts to do the same with him. He could blackmail you tomorrow, you didn't care, right now you needed his comfort and you were going to let him give it to you.
You both were so tired of fighting. You both needed to give in. Just for the night.
Kylo held you for a long time, letting you cry while he played with your hair and held your hand.
You had calmed down after a while. You were still sad but you were just out of tears, you thought. You were surprised that being this close to Kylo was actually helping.
He kissed your temple and moved so that his cheek was pressed against your skin there. "Tell me about her." He said softly.
You didn't need to ask who he was talking about. Your mom.
You thought about her. "She never wanted a kid," You started, "But she wasn't a terrible mom...She barely talked to me." You couldn't help but laugh a little at that. It sounded sad but it was true. "She's the one who taught me how to paint, it was the only time we ever really connected. My dad hated it because we'd always be so messy and then she'd have to hang up whatever I painted. It was never any good because I was a kid, you know? He'd always take them down when I'd go to sleep." Your tone was bitter but also nostalgic. You never thought about these things, it felt weird to say them out loud.
You were silent again, thinking about it. The bad thoughts came back again but you were more level headed so they didn't upset you as much this time. "It's my fault that she will be all alone when she dies...It's because of what I did. With those troopers, with Hux...I'm the reason that she had to move away and change her name and start over all by herself after her husband died."
Kylo didn't say anything, there was nothing he could say to change the facts and make things easier for you. But he understood what you were feeling. He had felt something similar before.
"My relationship with my mom was...complicated." Kylo tried to find the right words. He knew what he needed to do. He had to open up to you like you had continuously done with him. He needed to level the playing field, give you some information that he didn't want anyone knowing so that you had something to hold over his head like he did with you.
You were shocked but tried not to show it in case he changed his mind. You didn't think he'd ever voluntarily tell you about his past and you wanted to know about it so badly.
"She was an amazing woman. Strong, determined, stubborn..." He trailed off as if he were trying to remember her.
"Sounds like you." You said. You took his hand and started running your fingers over his, giving you something to focus your eyes on.
Kylo smiled at that, "She was much better than I am."
Then his facial expression fell, though your back was turned so you weren't able to see it. "She hated that I was drawn to this life. She tried to do everything she could to make sure I didn't get in with the wrong crowd. I always took it the wrong way. I didn't see it as her caring about me, I just thought she was ashamed of me." His eye twitched, "When she found out..." He didn't finish that sentence, he didn't want to tell you everything so he covered up what he had wanted to say, "That I was part of the mob, she came to talk to me and tried to convince me to get out of it...I didn't obviously...She killed herself." You forced yourself not to make a big reaction. Instead, you squeezed his hand, showing you were acknowledging his honesty. "She killed herself because of me." He repeated in a whisper.
A long moment of silence passed as you both took in his admission. You were crying again. Not because of your mom or your guilt. You were crying because of Kylo's pain. You felt it.
You repositioned yourself so that you could look at him. What you saw was not what you had been expecting.
Kylo hardly looked like himself as he sat there. He was staring at you with a look of fear. He was scared that you were going to blame him or judge him or not understand how much it took for him to tell you that. But also what made him look different was the fact that there were tears coming out of his eyes. Lip quivering and hair falling into his face, Kylo looked as helpless as you felt.
You didn't say anything, just as Kylo had realized earlier, there was nothing you could say to change what happened and take away his pain.
As you stared at each other, openly crying, it became apparent how much you needed each other in that moment.
Somehow the two of you crashed your lips against each other's, overwhelmed with this heart wrenching feeling that you didn't know what to do with.
It was all happening so fast. The two of you were taking each other's clothes off, grasping at each other, sobbing.
You moved onto his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck to get him as close to you as possible. And then he was inside of you and somehow, it all made sense. All of the hurt that you were both feeling on your own for so many years...it was all because you were meant to share it with each other.
You two were staring into each other's eyes as you moved on top of him. You leaned in and kissed him again. Your tears were mixing with his. "Kylo..." You sighed in pleasure and just the feeling of all of it.
He grasped you tighter, his lips stopped moving against yours as if he were thinking about something.
Then, in a quiet voice, "Call me Ben."
You paused your movements on top of him for just for a moment as you heard what he said. It didn't make sense to you at first but then your mind connected the dots. You remembered the book you had found in his apartment. 'Belongs to: Ben Solo' was what had been written in red ink.
You weren't entirely sure what the details were but it didn't matter. You knew how much this must mean.
You pulled away to look him in the eyes, holding his face in your hands as you started rocking your hips against his again, causing you both to moan. "Ben..." You were breathless as you tried out how it felt to say it.
Kylo almost stopped breathing when he heard it. It made his tears come faster. This was how it was supposed to be. The two of you completely open and vulnerable with each other. But it could never be like this. He could pretend all that he wanted but he knew that when the two of you went back home, this would all be over. He tried not to think of it even though it was making his stomach drop. No, he needed to live in this moment, he'd never get it again.
Right now, he wasn't Kylo Ren the mafia boss. Right now, he was Ben Solo, the man with the girl of his dreams on top of him. He focused on that feeling even though it was killing him inside, hurting him to know that it was only temporary.
He grabbed you by your hips, helping you move up and down on top of him. "Say it again. I wanna hear you say it again." He was begging, sniffling.
You squeezed his shoulders, meeting all of the thrusts that he was giving you. The way he was angled was hitting your sensitive inner walls in the best way. You tilted your head back, whining, "Oh my god, Ben, you fit so perfect inside me."
He let out a strangled groan, his sobs distorting the sound of it. "I do, I know I do. You feel so good." He brought you closer to him, pressing his face against your chest. "I could do this all the time. The only time I feel alright is when I'm inside you."
Your fingers tangled in his hair. You felt his wet tears against your skin. You'd never felt more unsafe and vulnerable in your life but you felt like it was okay, you were taking care of each other right now.
The two of you moved in the same rhythm, you rocking on top of him and him helping your movements with his arms wrapped around you tightly. The only sounds that could be heard were your bodies meeting each other and the two of you weeping softly along with the moans that were escaping the two of you.
"I'm gonna cum, baby." He told you shakily. You pulled his head away from your chest so you were able to look down at him. He had never called you that before, you noted. It was really like he was a different person right now.
You nodded at him, "I want you to cum." You said as if you were giving him permission instead of the other way around as it usually was. You started riding him faster, letting him in deeper. "Cum for me, Ben. Please, I want it." You whispered, holding his face in your hands.
That's all it took for him to reach his orgasm, to see you looking down at him the way that you were. He didn't take his eyes off of you the entire time that he came, squeezing you and holding you as the shockwaves of pleasure pulsed through him.
You didn't move off of him when he finished, instead you wrapped you arms around him so that his head was against your chest again, letting him catch his breath from what the two of you had just done but also from all of the crying he had done during it.
You gazed off into the distance of the hotel room's darkness while you felt him breathe heavily underneath you.
You were mourning. Not only your mom.
But you were mourning Ben Solo.