(We open on a late night in Fiction City. There is calmness to it. The usual white noise of bustle and late night traffic and people on their way home or to work. A top one of these rooftops, piercing the night sky like a needle, is a man. A man in a brown trench coat, fedora, and a black domino mask. He had several granola bars and water bottles with him, some already consumed. This was a stake out. One being performed by the long-lived detective, Detective Chuck. He was currently sitting on the edge with a pair of binoculars, scanning the warehouses on the docks. But he wasn't looking for fish. He was looking for something far smellier. Clowns. And not any old regular clowns, but the clowns from Pagliacci Patsies Rental Clown Service, open Mondays through Sunday's. 24/7.)
Chuck: Alright, Pagliacci. Let's see what your "legitimate business" has in store for me tonight. More clown gear? Or will I finally catch your ass with some of the drugs and weapons you're peddling?
(We cut to the inside of the warehouse. Several clowns were unloading cargo from a ship and into a truck)
Clown A: Man when is the boss gonna start telling us when these shipments are gonna be the good shit or just more clown stuff?
Clown B: None of our damned business. Remember what happened to the last poor schmuck that started asking questions?
Clown A: No?
Clown B: Exactly.
Clown C: Will you two stop reminiscing about corpses and get back to work? The boss needs this crap uptown yesterday.
Clown D: Yesterday? Then why are we doing it so late?
Clown C: You dumbass.
Chuck: These guys are idiots. How is everyone in this city in their pocket?
(A few minutes later, as the clowns were getting nearly done with loading their cargo, there was a knock on the warehouse door.)
Clown E: The hell is that?
Clown B: Bet it was Vinnie. That asshole always forgets what time we're supposed to meet up here.
(One of the clowns headed over to the door and opened the slat to see who was knocking. But it was not Vinnie.)
Clown A: What the fu-
(The door was blown off its hinges, flattening the poor clown who was standing in front of it as it landed on the opposite wall of the room)
Chuck: JESUS CHRIST!
(The other clowns all gathered around the door. Some looking at their felled friend, and others staring at the doorway, which was billowing with red smoke)
Clown D: That aint Vinnie.
(Out from the red smoke, came a man in a top hat with a cape and clout goggles)
Clown C: Who the hell are you?
???: Ahem. Is this one of the Pagliacci Patsies warehouses?
Clown B: Uhh. Yeah?
???: Great! Because boy, do I gotta complaint for you guys!
Clown D: You killed Luca!
???: What? Oh don't worry he'll be fine. I think. But what I wanted to say was....
Clown B: Clowns! Ice this asshole!
???: Wait what?
(The remaining clowns pulled out their guns and filled the intruder full of holes.)
Chuck: Oh my God. He's done. Pagliacci's done! I can get these guys to rat him out for a reduced sentence! This is perfect! This is-
(The clowns stopped their bullet barrage and the stranger's body fell to the floor)
Clown C: Dammit! No we gotta clean two bodies up. What were we thinking'!?
Clown D: It doesn't matter. We gotta get these bodies outta here before the cops show.
Clown C: Cops? Thought we owned the cops?
Clown D: Still. It's about the principle.
(As the clowns pondered about the clean up, the stranger's body slowly rose.)
Chuck: Whaaaat?
???: That was rude. I'm trying to file a complaint! Your guys' customer service is balls. You should be fired!
(The stranger took off his hat and pointed it at the clowns. Suddenly, a plume of multicolored flames shot out, burning them all to death, and lighting most of the warehouse on fire)
Chuck: No. No! My witnesses! The evidence!
(Chuck scrambled to his feet and got out his grappling hook. He leapt off the roof and fired it at a nearby building, using the hook to swing over to the warehouse. He landed right outside the warehouse)
Chuck: Nonononono!
(As Chuck ran towards the fire, the mysterious stranger came out, putting out the flames on his sleeve casually)
???: Hey! Don't bother heading in there. Things are getting kind of heated.
(Chuck quickly clotheslined the stranger as he ran past him)
???: Ow!
(Chuck crashed through the doorway and began searching for any signs of life)
Chuck: Come on, come on! One of you idiots has to be alive!
(As Chuck rummaged the bodies, for at least anything he could use, the rainbow fire raged on. It grew more intense and he soon began to have problems seeing clearly. His vision blurred and his lungs screamed in pain. But he wouldn't give up.)
Chuck: Please...something....anything!
(Before he could meet his ultimate fate, a fish hook pierced his trenchcoat and yanked him backwards, out of the fire. As his vision cleared, he was met with the face of the man who ruined all his hard work.)
???: Woah there, Sherlock. I think we should leave the fire fighting to the professionals. Or Dusty from Planes. Whoever shows up first.
Chuck: You!
(Chuck punched his rescuer in the nose as he got up in a fighting stance)
???: Ow! Okay that's twice you've hit me tonight! You get one more freebie then the gloves are off!
Chuck: You idiot! I was stalking that place out and you burnt it into a cinder!
???: Staking out? Oh dude this was a warehouse. Outback is down the street.
Chuck: Not what I meant! Not to mention, you killed four men. FOUR! That's a quadruple homicide!
???: They had it coming. I was trying to make a complaint about one of their clowns and they shot me. Like a lot.
(Detective Chuck had nearly forgotten. This new player was just swiss cheese a minute ago. How is he not dead? He could tell if someone had a vest on and this guy had nothing. And an even stranger thing was the fact that there weren't any bullet holes in him either. What was this guy?)
Chuck: Who are you?
???: Me? Oh I go by many names. There's.....oh no I guess it's just one. Bamboozle-Man. Well at least my business cards will be easy to fill out.
Chuck: Bamboozle-Man? What kind of ridiculous name is that?
BM: Oh if you think that's ridiculous wait until you hear the crazy shit the writer has in store for us later.
Chuck: Who?
BM: Not important. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a-
(Just as he was continuing to talk, another clown walked up with a gyro in his hand, looking at his phone)
Vinnie: Oh man I'm so late. The guys are gonna-
(The clown looked up to see the warehouse in flames, and two strange men in front of it. Who by the way, where now now staring at him)
Chuck: Vinnie!
Vinnie: Ah shit!
(Vinnie recognized the man in the fedora. He was that weird freelance detective that was always snooping around the boss' business. And he was bad for it. If he got anything out of Vinnie. It'd be lights out for sure. This clown had to book it and fast)
BM: Sorry about your warehouse! On the bright side, smores are now a viable option.
Chuck: Vinnie. Do not run, do not-
(Vinnie began to run away)
Chuck: Son of a bitch! Get back here!
(Chuck ran after Vinnie, leaving Bamboozle-Man at the sight of his arson)
BM: Welp, I guess I'm running now!
(Vinnie ran and pushed through the people in the crowd, pushing them aside in a panic. They didn't protest. They knew better to screw with one of Pagliacci's guys.)
Chuck: Stop that clown!
(As Detective Chuck ran to catch his witness, he heard rapid footsteps coming up behind him. Curious, he turned his head around. Much to his surprise, it was none other than Usain Bolt)
Chuck: Usain Bolt? What are you doing here?
(As Usain ran past Chuck, the detective noticed that the track star was carrying a familiar figure on his back. Bamboozle-Man.)
BM: Mush, Usain! Mush!
Usain: How did I even get here!?
(Usian ran further and eventually exploded into confetti, leaving Bamboozle-Man now running on his own two feet)
Chuck: WHAT IS HAPPENING!?
BM: Stop right there, Joaquin Phoenix!
(Bamboozle-Man ran past a man hole on the street and summoned it to his hand via telekinesis)
Chuck: No! I need him alive!
BM: Sorry, too busy killing this guy to listen to anything you're saying! YEET!
(Bamboozle-Man chucked the man hole Captain America style straight at Vinnie's back. And to make matters worse, it transformed into a buzzsaw mid air and cut his body completely in half)
Chuck: Shit!
(Detective Chuck finally caught up with Bamboozle-Man, who was currently watching a screaming horde of people run away from him)
BM: Maybe they'd have better business if they pushed more half off sales.
Chuck: Dammit! What is your problem? Not only did you kill a fifth person, but that was the last person who knew anything about Pagliacci!
BM: Pagliacci's? It's a public business, just Google it. I mean I personally wouldn't because I didn't find the clown I rented funny but-
Chuck: Not the front, you idiot! The Pagliaccis are secretly a crime family that controls the city! I was trying to collect evidence for the feds so they could take them down and you ruined that!
BM: Oh. Ohhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhh. Now I'm starting to see the problem.
Chuck: Ya think!?
(The sirens of nearing police cars echoed as they got closer to the two of them)
Chuck: Great and now the cops are coming.
BM: Cops? Aren't you a-
Chuck: No. Technically I'm a private investigator.
BM: Technically?
Chuck: Don't judge me!
(The cops cars skidded up to the scene and the FCPD got out of them. Soon, our heroes had a plethora of guns pointed at them)
Cop A: FCPD, hands in the air!
(The two put their hands in the air in compliance. Soon, another detective walked up in a black trenchcoat and a cigar in his mouth. This was Detective Flint. A cop on the Pagliacci payroll)
Flint: Well, well, well. If it isn't everyone's favorite fake detective. Detective Chuck.
BM: *snickers*
Flint: Oh I don't know why you're laughing, Tuxedo Mask.
BM: Yeah I had that coming.
Chuck: Detective Flint. Everyone's favorite brown nosed cop. Or should I say red nosed?
Flint: Heh. You know you should turn in your badge and be a comedian instead. Oh wait. No badge.
Cop B: Flint, the warehouse.
Flint: Ugh. That's gonna be a headache. Okay, which one of you two burnt down the warehouse?
BM: I know not what you speak of. But this hypothetical arsonist sounds incredibly handsome.
Flint: Yeah okay, Adonis. You're going to the big house. Get him, boys.
Chuck: He was also the one who cut this guy in half by the way.
BM: Ow. Salt on the wound. Still better than Kit Kat over there. Ha!
(Two other cops grabbed Bamboozle-Man by his arms and tried to take him to the nearest cruiser but were shocked by his surprising stuckness to the sidewalk)
Cop B: What the-
(They pulled again as Flint stared daggers at Chuck. Soon the sirens were accompanied by strange stretching noises)
Flint: The hell?
Chuck: Oh yeah he tends to do that.
(Bamboozle-Man's feet were planted firmly on the ground, and due to the pulling, his legs were stretching in an unnatural way)
BM: Oh man I couldn't get in my daily yoga so this is amazing for my shins.
Cop C: *throws up*
(While everyone was distracted, Chuck noticed a piece of paper hanging out of Vinnie's pocket. While no one was looking, he quickly stooped down and picked it up and put it in his pocket. Meanwhile, the cops finally managed to unstick Bamboozle-Man's feet from the ground and put him in the back of the car)
Flint: Okay. NOW you're going into the Big House.
BM: Now I'll have to face the long legs of the law. Hahahaha!
Flint: Sigh. This is gonna be a shit ton of paperwork.
Chuck: What about me?
Flint: Well I can't actually prove you had anything to do with any of this, so I guess you can go free. But don't think Pagliacci isn't on to you, Detective Chuck.
Chuck: Is that a threat?
Flint: Yes. Now get outta here before I find an excuse to shoot you.
(The dirty cop drove away with Bamboozle-Man in the back seat while the CSIs began making a crime scene around the divided clown mobster. Detective Chuck slinked off into a back alley, illuminated by the nearby neon sign outside of a tattoo parlor. It was time to read whatever scrap of information he managed to get out of Vinnie's pocket)
Chuck: Alright. Let's see if I can figure out what Vinnie had in his pocket. Besides endless handkerchiefs.
(Chuck uncrumpled the paper and was met with an address. One in the abandoned part of the city. It was a cesspool of drugs and corruption. The Land of the Low Lives. And this specific address caught his eye especially)
Chuck: Oh my God.
BM: Whaddya' find, partner?
(Bamboozle-Man had suddenly burst from a nearby trash can and startled Detective Chuck)
Chuck: Ahhh!
BM: That's a weird name for an address but I can still try and put it in Waze.
Chuck: How are you here right now!? You just got arrested!
BM: I did? Oh yeah, I ditched that guy. He was boring. You on the other hand, you interest me. And I feel kinda bad for messing up your little investigation.
Chuck: Oh. Well they're likely gonna come back around here looking for you, ya know.
BM: Oh trust me. The decoys I make are so lifelike, they won't tell the difference. And if they do, the decoy turns into a live grizzly bear.
Chuck: God help me. Well listen, I gotta get to this address so-
BM: Alone?
Chuck: Yeah.
BM: But what about me?
Chuck: What about you?
BM: Uh, yeah. I'm interested in how this goes down and to be honest this is the most exciting thing that's happened to me since I got here.
Chuck: Me? Work with you? You're a maniac who kills on whim like it's nothing. We could never work together.
BM: You make death sound so bad. It's not like anyone's gonna miss those guys.
Chuck: They were human beings!
BM: Well if it means that much to you, I can just bring em back later.
Chuck: Pfft. Yeah right. I gotta go.
BM: Sigh. Well. Okay. Looks like I got a whole night on my hands. Alone. Able to do whatever I want with no one to watch me.
(Detective Chuck stopped in his tracks. Whoever this guy was, if was left to his own devices, he would cause untold chaos and mayhem. He had no choice but to let him tag along so he could keep an eye on him. Even at the sake of his own sanity)
Chuck: Fine.
BM: What was that?
Chuck: Fine! You can come with me.
BM: Yaaay! I knew you'd come around. That and you owe me.
Chuck: What? No I don't.
BM: Yeah. You do. I saved you from that fire, remember?
Chuck: That fire that YOU started.
BM: Yes. And the fire that YOU ran into. I can do this all day, Inspector Gadget.
Chuck: Ugh. Come on. We gotta get down there before Pagliacci's guys realize Vinnie has shuffled off the mortal coil.
(Chuck began to climb up a fire escape to reach the top of the building)
BM: Uhhh. What're you doing?
Chuck: Getting up high so we can grapple hook?
BM: Grapple hook? What are you, Batman? Get back down here, I got a faster way to get there.
(Chuck jumped down and followed Bamboozle-Man down the alley and out into the street)
Chuck: Where's our ride?
BM: Patience, young grasshopper.
Chuck: Me being young. That hasn't been a thing in ages.
BM: Don't worry. I'm not a spring chicken either. Now...
(Bamboozle-Man put his fingers up to his mouth and whistled loudly)
Chuck: Welp. There goes my eardrums.
BM: Quit whining
(In the distance, the heroes heard the squealing of tires. Soon, red corvette came to a screeching halt in front of them)
Chuck: What the hell?
BM: Meet the Bamboozle-Mobile! She's one of my finer works.
Chuck: Okay. Get in, we gotta go.
(Chuck tried to open the door to get in, but the door was locked)
Chuck: Can you unlock the door?
BM: You gotta ask the car.
Chuck: Come on, man just unlock the door.
BM: It's not me.
Chuck: Just unlock it!
(Bamboozle-Man gave Detective Chuck a smirk)
Chuck: Sigh. Bamboozle-Mobile. May you please unlock...yourself?
(The car's door unlocked, allowing Chuck to get inside)
BM: See? That wasn't so hard?
Chuck: You are so childish.
BM: Beep beep!
(The Bamboozle-Mobile's engines roared as it zoomed off to the address)
Chuck: Wait. Don't you need to know the address?
BM: Nah. The Bamboozle-Mobile kinda just knows where I wanna go and takes me there. That gives us time to talk!
Chuck: I'd rather not.
BM: Oh come on. We got loads of stuff to talk about! What's your favorite movie? What ice cream do you like? Do you have a girlfriend? Do you even know what a girlfriend is?
Chuck: Okay. I'll answer one question. And it can't be anything that you just asked.
BM: Okay. How'd you get the name?
Chuck: What?
BM: Your name. Detective Chuck is too dumb a name for it to be your real one. But that Flint guy back there seems to respect you enough to use it.
Chuck: This coming from Bamboozle-Man?
BM: Yeah, yeah,yeah just tell me.
Chuck: Well. When I was....younger, I had a tendency to stick my nose where it didn't belong. Well at least where people told me it didn't anyway. I'd investigate everything I could get my eyes on. Always looking for a flaw. A sign of deception.
BM: Sounds like you have trust issues.
Chuck: *laughs* You're not that far off actually.
BM: Oh. And you just stuck with it?
Chuck: Yeah. It was nice being called detective even though technically I'm not one.
BM: Huh. Neat.
Chuck: How'd you get your name?
BM: No clue.
Chuck: Wait what?
BM: We're here!
(The brakes were slammed, and Chuck's head hit the dash)
Chuck: Ow!
BM: *pilot voice* Uhhhhh, we hope you enjoyed your flight. Uhhhhh now get the hell out.
Chuck: How'd we get here so fast? We were driving for like two minutes.
BM: Time flies when you're spouting character exposition! What is this place?
Chuck: It's one of Pagliacci's crack houses. I mean he peddles other drugs through here but crack just sounds cool. Rolls off the tongue better. Crack house.
BM: Crack house!
Chuck: Crack house.
BM: Crack house.
Both: Crack house.
BM: Sooooo. What's so important about this place?
Chuck: Besides the drugs. I'm not sure. From what I've gathered, only a few people actually know about this place in Pagliacci's crew. I always wondered why. The place was too heavily guarded for me to get into and check out.
BM: Hmmm.
Chuck: What're you thinking?
BM: This place needs a stealthy approach.
Chuck: You? Stealthy?
BM: I can be a sneaky sneaker when the time calls for it.
Chuck: I'll believe it when I see it.
BM: If I do this right. *Christian Bale Batman voice* You won't see a thing.
(The two got out of the Bamboozle-Mobile and made their way to the Crack House, which was an abandoned multi leveled apartment building. The two were now across the street from it and were plotting their way inside)
Chuck: Okay so I know for a fact that there are at least three floor level entrances into the place.
BM: And there's like fifty non floor level entrances.
Chuck: D-do you mean the windows?
BM: Yeah those guys. We can't get in that way?
Chuck: That is literally the most conspicuous way in.
BM: Not if we dress as window cleaners.
Chuck: Why would window cleaners be cleaning the windows of a crack house!?
BM: Maybe the place is under renovations?
Chuck: We aren't going in through the windows.
BM: You're not but I am.
Chuck: You know what? Go ahead and try your window idea. We'll see how it works out for you. Though you may feel the pane.
BM: Detective Chuck, did you just make a window pun?
Chuck: I'm going in through the doors.
BM: Good luck door diving, dum dum.
(Chuck circled around the building and got to the side entrance)
Chuck: I'd say that idiot is gonna get himself killed but I'm not even sure he can actually die. And I thought I was the weirdest thing in this city.
(Chuck entered a jumbled room. Broken and raggedy furniture all piled in a corner. Some chopped up and put in a barrel, used for a bonfire)
Chuck: Huh. Figured there'd be at least somebody in here.
(Detective Chuck made his way out to the main hall. He heard muffled voices a few floors up)
Chuck: I better get up there quick before Bamboozle-Man does something I'll regret.
(Detective Chuck crept up the stairs. As he did, the voices grew louder. One of them he could almost recognize)
???: Where are we going?
Clown E: Can't you already tell?
???: That's not how it works, dipshit.
Clown E: Call me that again and the only place you'll be going is the hospital.
???: Please. We both know Pagliacci would bash your brains in if you ever did that. I don't need to be a psychic to know that.
(Chuck was confused. Psychic? First, whatever the hell Bamboozle-Man was and now a psychic? The hell was going on in this city?)
Clown F: Quiet you two. I had this place cleared out but there could be stragglers.
(Detective Chuck was now outside of the closed door, writing down everything he was hearing from the other side. As he was happily scribbling down the info, a sudden horrifying thought had slipped in his head. Bamboozle-Man has yet to make an appearance)
BM: Yonder window breaks! Especially this one!
(Detective Chuck heard a loud crash from another room, which was no doubt his "partner" making an entrance)
???: The hell was that?!
(Bamboozle-Man stumbled out of a nearby room, wiping glass off of his hat)
BM: See? Told ya, the window would have worked!
Chuck: What the hell are you doing!?
BM: Proving you wrong, duh.
(The door swung open, revealing one of Pagliacci's clowns with a confused look on his face)
Chuck: There's not a chance you'll ignore all of this and keep feeding me information, will you?
(The clown pulled out an smg and aimed it at the two of them)
Clown E: Get her outta here!
(Before the clown could open fire, Chuck got a good look at the woman in the room. That's when he recognized her. She was a famed TV psychic that was currently labeled as missing. Madame Mystery.)
Chuck: Holy shi-
BM: Time to go!
(The clown opened fire on the duo. Bamboozle-Man acted fast and threw his hat at his feet while grabbing Detective Chuck and yanking him out of the line of fire)
Chuck: We need to get back in there!
BM: Yeah just give me a second.
(The clown noticed the hat and looked into it. Soon, a blinding light flashed from it, blinding him temporarily)
Clown E: God, my eyes!
(Detective Chuck scrambled back to his previous position and tackled the clown. He soon saw that his associate and Madame Mystery were climbing down he fire escape)
Chuck: They're getting away!
MM: Wait, we can't leave without my stuff!
Clown E: There's more of the good stuff at the meet up spot, lets go!
(As they climbed down the fire escape, Bamboozle-Man's hatted head popped out of the window)
BM: Hey, my friend said not to let you get away using this thing so....
(Bamboozle-Man pulled out an onion and ate it, causing his breath to become rancid)
BM: Hhhhhhelo there.
(Bamboozle-Man's rancid breath met with the already rusty fire escape and caused it to quickly degrade and creak. Meanwhile, Detective Chuck was dealing with the now no longer blind clown)
Chuck: I'm making a citizen's arrest! Except the prison is unconsciousness!
(Detective Chuck knocked the clown out. He soon noticed the noise the fire escape was making)
Chuck: Oh no. What did you do!?
BM: I destroyed the fire escape!
Chuck: *hacks* Oh God, your breath. Wait what? While they were on it?
BM: Well what did you want me to do? Kindly wait until they got off, then melt the thing?
(Chuck poked his head out the window and saw that the other clown was helping Madame Mystery up, surrounded by the debris of the fire escape)
MM: Ow my leg! I knew this would happen!
Clown E: Oh now it works!
(Soon, a limousine rode up and the door was opened from the inside. The two entered and it rode off. Unfortunately Detective Chuck could not see where. His eyes were watering up from the onion stench from Bamboozle-Man's mouth)
Chuck: *squinting* Gah! Did you see where they went!?
BM: No, I'm kinda busy.
(Detective Chuck turned around and through the tears of his eyes he could see Bamboozle-Man dumping loads of mints into his mouth to cleanse the Ogre metaphor out of his mouth)
Chuck: Are you serious!?
BM: Don't worry, we can chase them if we-
(Bamboozle-Man stopped as he noticed a red laser trained on Detective Chuck's coat)
Chuck: What is it?
BM: *whispers* There's a sniper dot on you.
Chuck: A what?!
BM: *whispers* Calm down. I'm gonna go see where it's coming from, you stay...perfectly still.
Chuck: O-okay.
(Bamboozle-Man cartoonishly snuck over to the room across from them and got on the ground, where he slithered like a snake over to the window)
Chuck: Why are you so good at slithering?
BM: *whispers* I said stay still!
(Bamboozle-Man got out a small periscope and used it to look out the window unnoticed)
Chuck: What do you see?
BM: Well it's not a sniper.
Chuck: I sense a but coming.
BM: No but.
Chuck: Oh, so what is it then?
BM: A rocket launcher!
Chuck: WHAT!? That definitely counts as a but!
(Bamboozle-Man saw a clown on the other side of the street on a roof, pointing the weapon straight at them)
Clown G: This is for Vinnie, you sick bastards!
BM: Now would be a good time to run!
Chuck: Where!?
BM: Same way I came in.
Chuck: What? Oh no.
(Bamboozle-Man stretched his arm around Detective Chuck and leapt out the window he was previously peeping out of, taking his partner with him. While they fell, the clown couldn't keep up with their descent but fired anyway, hitting the building and causing a massive explosion in the process.)
BM: Through da windoooooow, to da flooooor!
Chuck: AHHHHHH!
(Bamboozle-Man face planted onto the hard pavement while Detective Chuck managed to escape his grasp. He used his grappling hook to latch onto a solid part of the building and slowed his descent. He landed next to Bamboozle-Man, who was currently peeling his face off the pavement)
Chuck: A little warning would have been nice!
BM: Oh all the best things come without warning. Like earthquakes or coronavirus.
Chuck: What?
BM: That'll be funny in a few years, I promise.
???: Know what else is funny?
(The duo looked up to see yet another clown, accompanied by several other clowns. All with pipes, chains, and small firearms)
Clown H: The ass whooping you're about to get. Came to the wrong side of town, boys.
Chuck: With Pagliacci in power, every side is the wrong side.
BM: Ooh, good line.
Clown H: You two have been causing quite the ruckus tonight. First the warehouse, then Vinnie, and now you just caused one of our own to blow our biggest drug house to smithereens.
BM: To be fair, it was already kind of shitty to begin with.
Chuck: What does Madame Mystery have to do with any of this?
BM: Who?
Clown H: Oh so you found the old broad. Gives us one more reason to kill you.
Chuck: Gives you one more reason to try maybe.
Clown H: Boys, let's teach them how we deal with jacassess who mess with Pagliacci!
BM: This looks like a job for the Bamboozle-Mobile!
Clown H: What?
(Suddenly the ground began to shake as a massive vehicle approached)
Chuck: You said this was the Bamboozle-Mobile?
BM: Yep.
Chuck: Then why does it sound like a-
(When Detective Chuck turned to question Bamboozle-Man, he was nowhere to be seen)
Clown H: Looks like your friend abandoned you. Now get ready to die.
(Just as Chuck was about to be surrounded, the rumbling intensified. Soon, from the wall of another abandoned building, a red and black military tank crashed through)
Clown H: Jesus Christ!
(The tank came to a stop and its hatch opened up. From it, Bamboozle-Man appeared with an army helmet atop his top hat)
BM: This mass murdering is brought to you by World of Tanks.
Clown H: Hit the deck!
(The Bamboozle-Mobile's main cannon fired into the large crowd of clowns. They were ripped to pieces by various scraps of metal and cutlery)
Chuck: Jeezus!
BM: Sorry, I ran out of all my military grade ammunition so I used some stuff I found at Red Lobster.
(Detective Chuck could barely see through the bloody mist made by the cannon fire. He heard the groaning of injured clowns and such. Bamboozle-Man hopped out of his vehicle and admired his work)
BM: Man. It looks like somebody got a gallon of ragu sauce and put it in an industrial fan.
Chuck: Why do you keep on killing people!?
BM: Like I said. Detective. If it bothers you that much, I'll bring them back.
Chuck: No you won't! Even after everything you've done so far tonight, I refuse to believe you can bring back the dead!
BM: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Get in the tank.
Chuck: Ugh.
(Detective Chuck marched over to the Bamboozle-Mobile and climbed inside. He was expecting to see the interior of a tank but was instead met with a comfy interior with pink pillows and a fuzzy carpet)
Chuck: Uhhh-
BM: Coco?
(Bamboozle-Man offered Chuck a mug of hot chocolate)
Chuck: Yeah?
(Bamboozle-Man handed it to him and went back to the controls, which was an Xbox controller)
Chuck: So....what happened to the Bamboozle-Mobile?
BM: What do you mean?
Chuck: I mean it wasn't a tank fifteen minutes ago.
BM: What're you talking about? She's always been a tank.
Chuck: What? No she wasn't. She was a corvette!
BM: Like I'd be caught dead in a corvette. So what's the next play?
Chuck: Well we can't exactly follow them. They're long gone by now. Our only choice is to search for a witness. Somebody has to have seen where they went.
BM: Right. I'll turn on the scanners to see if there's anyone rustling around out there. In the meantime, you can answer a few more questions.
Chuck: What is with the third degree!?
BM: Hey! I can take that coco back, you know?
Chuck: Sigh. What is it?
BM: Who's Madame Mystery?
Chuck: Jesus you really are new in town. Madam Mystery is-or at least was a TV psychic. She had tons of adoring fans. Her predictions were legendary. But one day.....she just fell off the face of the Earth. Everyone was wondering where she was but after a while, people moved on. We all thought she just packed up her money and left but....I guess not.
BM: Why do you think she's working with Pagliacci?
Chuck: No clue. But if he has a psychic, he's much more powerful than I realized. So powerful that I might have to rethink how I take him down.
BM: How WE take him down.
Chuck: Right.
(Just then, the Bamboozle-Mobile's sensors went off. It had finally detected someone in the vicinity.)
BM: We got one!
(Bamboozle-Man stuck his head out of the main canon and looked around. Eventually, his gaze fell upon what seemed to be a heap of trash.)
BM: Uhhh. Wait a minute.
Chuck: What is it?
(Detective Chuck opened up the hatch at the top of the vehicle and looked where his friend was also looking.)
BM: The Bamboozle-Mobile picked up...trash?
Chuck squinted intensely and saw that the heap was covering up what seemed to be a man)
Chuck: That's no trash! That's a guy!
(The two hopped out the Bamboozle-Mobile and rushed over to the dumpster where the trash heap was next to and began to rummage through it.)
Chuck: Ugh, this guy smells awful!
BM: Keep digging!
(The two finally uncovered their potential witness. A man in a brown t-shirt, raggedy blue bathrobe, sweat pants, and a pair of glasses with a popped out glass and another that was blacked out with a sharpie, and a Grinch beanie. But what grabbed Detective Chuck's attention the most is that this strange garbage man looked exactly like Bamboozle-Man. Almost like they were twins.)
Chuck: What the-!?
BM: What's wrong?
Chuck: This guy looks just like you!
BM: He does? Oh yeah. That's weird.
Chuck: That's all you have to say!? That it's weird!? You just met your doppelganger!
BM: Eh, I feel like I've seen weirder.
???: *grunts in annoyance*
Chuck: Uh, sir? We're wondering if you saw anything peculiar. You know, besides the man who looks just like you.
BM: And the guy in the fedora.
???: *grunts unresponsively*
BM: Come on, man. Tell us what you saw and we'll leave you alone.
???: *silence*
Chuck: This guy is gonna get us nowhere. Let's keep looking.
(Before he could turn and leave, Bamboozle-Man noticed that the stranger had an empty large Styrofoam cup in his hand. It had the remains of a milkshake in it. The stranger stared at it longingly)
BM: Hey. If we get you another milkshake, will you tell us if you saw anything?
(The stranger's eye lit up with "Oh, on God?" energy)
BM: We gotta bite!
Chuck: We're gonna bribe him with a milkshake? We don't have time for that!
BM: Dude, this Pagliacci guy has been in power for quite some time and the city seems to be relatively fine. Albeit an apartment house just exploded and that mysterious warehouse fire.
Chuck: *rolls eyes*
BM: What I'm saying is that maybe we should lie low for a bit. Keep quiet and take a break. In the meantime we can get this guy his stuff and he can tell us where that car went. If he can talk at all.
Chuck: Fine. But where the hell are we gonna find a milk shake in this part of town?
BM: Don't worry, I'll handle it.
(The two got the stranger up, but it looked like his legs were too weak for him to walk on his own)
Chuck: We can't carry this guy.
BM: Uhhhh-ope! Look what I found!
(Bamboozle-Man leapt into the dumpster and came out with a folded up wheelchair)
BM: This should do. Well until I force a mad scientist to make him one that can time travel.
Chuck: What?
BM: Sorry. Prequel trope. Make off-handed remarks about future events without realizing you're predicting the future. But I think I did it wrong.
Chuck: Just help me, okay?
BM: Yeah yeah.
(Bamboozle-Man got out and put the stranger in the wheelchair)
???: *grunts in gratitude*
Chuck: Okay. Now how do we get him a milk-
(Bamboozle-Man had already started to push the bum down the street with a quick pace)
Chuck: Hey! Stop doing that!
BM: It's your fault you keep falling for it. You're supposed to be the Batman parallel so you're supposed to be doing it to me. Keep up!
(Chuck sighed as he jogged to catch up. By the time he turned the corner, Bamboozle-Man and the stranger were standing in front of a diner with a big bright neon sign that says "World's Best Milkshakes")
Chuck: This....wasn't here before.
BM: This place looks promising! And look, there's already customers!
(The diner had a massive line stretching down the street of cars in the drive through. Its interior was no better. The place was packed. Large groups. Couples on first or 500th dates.)
BM: Okay in we go!
(Detective Chuck grabbed onto Bamboozle-Man's cape. Still gawking at the neo sign)
Chuck: How did you do this?
BM: What? I didn't do-
Chuck: Don't bullshit me. Everything that's happened tonight with you is completely unexplainable.
BM: Then why are you asking me to explain it?
Chuck: What are you? Really.
(Bamboozle-Man looked away. To be 100% honest, he didn't know what he was either. He's not sure how he can do what he does. He just does it without thinking.)
BM: Listen, do you want to get the info or not?
Chuck: Fine. But when this is over-
BM: Yeah I know. I'm looking forward to the interrogation.
(They entered the diner which was playing old timey club music. The employees looked as if they were ripped from the 1950's. They also all were seemingly copies of the same woman with blonde hair and green eyes)
Chuck: What the-?
(In a third of a second, a waitress rolled up to the trio with a notepad in her hand)
Dian: Welcome to Dina's Delicious Diner. I'm Dina. What can I get for you three?
(The stranger loudly grunted and pointed to the milk shake on the menu)
Chuck: Three milkshakes please.
Dian: What kind?
BM: Strawberry.
Chuck: Vanilla.
???: *nods yes furiously*
Dian: Okay. Strawberry, vanilla, and Dairy Suicide! Coming right up!
(Dina roller skated to the back, leaving our heroes to sit at a nearby booth)
BM: Okay big guy. Your milkshakes are on their way. You wanna give us what we want now?
(The stranger stood in silence, staring at the door with great excitement)
BM: Hey. Hey, buddy! I'm talking to you!
(While Bamboozle-Man tried to get the stranger's attention, Detective Chuck noticed a tag on the back of his bathrobe. He managed to catch a good glimpse of it and saw what it read. "Property of Lazy Jim)
Chuck: Lazy Jim?
(Lazy Jim turned his head slightly, responding to his name being called)
Chuck: Is that your name?
LJ: *nods yes*
BM: Lazy Jim? Hell of a name. Do you think you can help us?
LJ: *nods*
Chuck: Well he can't exactly tell us. After we're done here we're gonna have to head back so he can point us in the right direction. Literally.
(The three waited for their milkshakes and soon enough, Dina rolled up with a platter of their milkshakes and handed them out accordingly)
BM: Thank you.
Chuck: Thank you.
LJ: *grunts in gratitude*
Chuck: Cheers, fellas.
(The three clinked their drinks, unknowingly starting a trio that would last much longer than the one night they intended. As they were drinking, a group of bikers in leather jackets came strolling up)
Biker A: Hey. Hey you.
Chuck: Uh, yes?
Biker A: No not you, the bum in the wheelchair.
(Lazy Jim turned around in confusion)
LJ: *grunts in confusion*
Biker A: You! You threw my brother through a wall last week!
BM: What? That's crazy. I've known Lazy Jim for like *checks imaginary watch* five minutes! He's harmless!
Biker B: You don't know what you're talking about, freak. Your twin brother is dangerous!
Chuck: Listen this is all one big misunderstanding, so why don't we just-
(Before he could finish, the main biker knocked Lazy Jim's milkshake out of his hands and onto the floor. Twas a fatal mistake)
Chuck: Hey! That was totally uncalled for!
LJ: *panting heavily*
Biker C: Oh, is the bum gonna cry? Hahaha!
Chuck: Don't worry we'll get you another one.
BM: Uhhh, Chuck?
LJ: *breathes in heavier manner*
Biker A: Now. Let's beat the crap outta these guys.
Chuck: Bamboozle-Man, I'm kinda busy.
BM: We should probably-
(Lazy Jim threw a punch at the biker, which had so much kinetic energy behind it that his, and his friends', skeletons flew out of the back of their bodies. They landed outside after crashing through a window . Every patron screamed in horror as the fleshy meat bags fell to the floor, oozing with blood)
Chuck: Wha-wha-wha-what the hell!?
BM: Huh. Dina, we need more milkshakes! And a mop.
Chuck: Why am I surrounded by murder!? What did I do to deserve this!?
BM: Detective Chuck, can we keep the crazy strong hobo that looks like me?
Chuck: *gawks in horrified silence*
(While everyone inside was running away from the diner, Dina causally came up with a replacement milkshake for Lazy Jim and a mop that she handed to Bamboozle-Man)
Dina: Get to moppin'.
BM: Why me?
Dina: We both know you don't plan on paying for the milkshakes. Or the damages.
BM: Alright.
(Detective Chuck was stunned. Not only was Bamboozle-Man dangerous but so was Lazy Jim. Fiction City, his city, was nothing like he thought it was)
Chuck: We-we should leave.
BM: Yeah sure. Let me just clean up all this blood.
(Bamboozle-Man tossed his hat over the skin. It shuddered and made a loud sucking noise like a Roomba. Soon the skin and blood were sucked into the hat)
Chuck: Now please!
BM: Alright, jeez.
(The trio walked out of the diner and made their way back to the dumpster. As they went, they noticed the distant wailing of police sirens)
Chuck: Crap. We gotta pick up our pace. Flint probably knows you ditched him earlier.
BM: Yeah and the two huge explosions and the quadruple homicide that just happened.
LJ: *grunts in agreement*
(The three finally made it back to the dumpster)
BM: Alright, big guy. Where'd the car go?
(Lazy Jim pulled a flier out of his bathrobe and handed it to Bamboozle-Man. It was for a swanky nightclub called the Red Nose Room)
BM: Oh. It's a club.
Chuck: The Red Nose Room? That place is the most public business Pagliacci owns. If he's bringing Madame Mystery there, he must be getting desperate. Wait a minute, we didn't even need to go to that diner! He could have just given us the damned thing when we asked about where they went!
BM: Ah, the old something for something tactic. I respect the grind!
LJ: *grunts proudly*
Chuck: Sigh. Well if he's got her there, that's tons of free surveillance. People with phones trying to immortalize the night with a picture.
BM: And he thinks if he can catch us trying to get Madame Mystery on camera, he can change the narrative. Jokes on him! I don't care about my public opinion.
Chuck: No. We have to do this right.
BM: Dude we're vigilantes. There is no right way to do things.
Chuck: But there is my way. If we want any real evidence that can put Pagliacci behind bars permanently, then we need to play this close to the chest. We need to get Madame Mystery to confess to being an accomplice to Pagliacci's crime ring.
BM: But how are we gonna get close to her? Can't she see the future?
Chuck: Something tells me her powers aren't as potent as they were while she was in her prime. We still have to be careful but I think we might be able to sneak up on her.
LJ: *grunts in confidence*
Chuck: Wait, wait, wait. Lazy Jim we really appreciate your help but....you can't come with us.
BM: What? Why?
Chuck: Well look at him. He's noticeable. And we can't waste any time wheeling him around.
BM: That's why he's perfect! People notice the disabled and do their best to ignore them out of sheer awkwardness. He's like a walking cloaking device! Well, minus the walking part.
Chuck: But what about-
BM: I'll push him around, okay? Come on. The guy's a powerhouse! It'd be a waste not to have him on our side.
Chuck: I'm sorry but the answer is no. I can't risk having two partners I have to look out for. It'd slow me down. Now call your ride.
BM: Ugh. Fine. Sorry, Lazy Jim. Maybe next time.
LJ: *grunts solemnly*
(Bamboozle-Man whistled and soon enough, a big red monster truck with a black top hat on top of it rolled up)
BM: Okay let's go.
Chuck: And now she's a monster truck. Whatever, I'm driving.
Chuck: Oh. Okay, Mr. Bossy Pants.
(Detective Chuck climbed into the truck, prepared to drive. But as he got in, he noticed that he was no longer on the driver's side of the car. He was in the passenger seat!)
Chuck: What the!?
(He turned his head to the driver's seat to see Bamboozle-Man, adjusting the rear view mirror)
BM: Oh. Did I forget to mention the Bamboozle-Mobile only lets me drive? Sorry. Must have slipped my mind. You okay back there, pal?
(The two turned around to see Lazy Jim in the back seat, his old wheelchair folded up next to him)
LJ: *grunts in assurance*
(Detective Chuck's face flared in frustration)
Chuck: Godammit!
(He slammed his fist on the dashboard)
BM: You'll thank me later. Also you may not want to do that or you might trigger the-
(Suddenly, a boxing glove at the end of a spring rocketed out of the glovebox and knocked Detective Chuck out)
BM: Security system. Eh. Everyone learns the hard way I guess.
LJ: *grunts*
BM: Right. Except you. Let's go!
(The trio drove off to the club. Meanwhile, at said club, we see Madame Mystery, a few clowns and a man in a bright red button up in the V.I.P. section. This man was Pete Pagliacci)
Pete: So, tell me again what happened?
Clown E: Well sir, we were watching Maddie like you said.
Pete: Yeah?
Clown E: And then all of a sudden we heard this crashing noise and the weird detective that's always snooping around-
(Suddenly, Pete pulled out a switch blade and stabbed the clown's hand into the arm of the chair he was sitting in)
Clown E: AGH!
MM: PETE NO!
Pete: He is NOT a detective! He is a nosey little fraud who doesn't understand the value of hard work!
Clown E: S-sorry, Mr. Pagliacci.
Pete: Now tell me everything else.
Clown E: We caught him but this freak in a top hat came in and almost killed us!
Pete: Huh. Maddie. This true?
(Madame Mystery was mortified. She's been working with Pete for years but she's never gotten used to his violent tendencies. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She left her life of fame and fortune behind to pursue her true dream. Business consultancy. Her first client was Pete Pagliacci. She planned on using her power of precognition to help the clown rental icon dole out the clowns before they were ordered. Business boomed. But as she got closer with Pete, she noticed more under the table dealings going on. He wasn't just a legitimate businessman. He was a crime lord. A ruthless monster. And she was his accomplice. She knew if she tried to leave he'd have her killed. And she didn't want to spend the rest of her life in prison by confessing. She was a prisoner of her own personal hell and used drugs to numb the pain of this dark new world she has found herself in, along with her powers. Oh yeah I forgot I was writing a story. Back to the plot!)
MM: Y-yeah.
Pete: God. Tonight is such a shit show. First the warehouse, then Vinnie, then the drug house. And now one of my men is down a hand!
Clown E: No I think I can recover from this actually.
(Pete then dumped a shot glass of whisky onto his open wound)
Clown E: AHHH!
Pete: I want this place locked down tight. Maddie, you think you can predict what happens next?
MM: *lighting up a joint* I'm not sure.
Pete: Well just try, dammit! I'm gonna kill that damned Chuck tonight and anyone else that's dumb enough to help him! And get Flint on the phone! I don't pay him out of the kindness of my own bleeding heart!
(We cut back to Detective Chuck, who is waking up in the passenger seat of the Bamboozle-Mobile. His fedora was in his lap and his nose had a small trail of blood coming out of it. A result of getting his shit wrecked by the vehicle's security system)
BM: Wakey, wakeeeeey.
Chuck: *groans* What happened?
(Chuck awoke to Bamboozle-Man in his face, checking on him from outside the passenger door. And Lazy Jim was peeking from behind the seat)
BM: You got hit pretty bad.
Chuck: Did your car...punch me?
BM: Yes but she was defending herself so....kinda your fault.
LJ: *grunts in agreement*
Chuck: Where are we?
BM: On top of a building across the street from the Red Nose Club.
Chuck: A building!? How did we get up here?
BM: The tires double as moon bounce boots.
Chuck: Jesus. So I guess Lazy Jim is a part of the group now.
BM: Yep! It may take two to tango but it takes three to.....Lazy Jim help me finish my one liner.
LJ: *grunts*
BM: Right. What he said.
Chuck: Okay, time to work.
(The three got out of the vehicle and looked down at the club. There was a long line of people anxiously waiting for it to open. There was also a small squadron of clown mobsters on the club's roof)
BM: Well it looks like they guessed that we'd be coming. What now?
Chuck: We'll need to sneak in. And not like how we snuck last time. No window breaking!
BM: I make no promises.
Chuck: Well you did say people tend to deliberately ignore the disabled.
BM: Yay my plan won!
LJ: *grunts excitedly and claps*
(The resulting shock wave from Lazy Jim's claps echoed through the night)
Chuck: Shhhhhh! Alright. Let's get down there.
(The trio made their way downstairs and were now at street level)
Chuck: And you're sure no one will see us?
BM: Absolutely. And if they do, I'll just bear mace them.
LJ: *grunts in approval*
BM: Let's go.
(The trio cautiously crossed the street, Bamboozle-Man gripping his bear mace tightly)
Chuck: Easy, easy, easy.
BM: Saying easy over and over again won't make us more inconspicuous!
Chuck: I'm nervous, okay!?
(By the time their little argument had ended, they quickly noticed that they were already in the Red Nose Club)
LJ: *grunts in a confused manner*
BM: Oh. Well that was easy.
Chuck: Wasn't this place closed?
BM: Oh my God. We were ignored so bad we time traveled several minutes into the future!
Chuck: Okay, I'll go look for Madame Mystery.
BM: What about us?
Chuck: Just try to blend in. And keep him from getting too excited.
BM: On it.
(As Chuck slinked off into the crowd, Bamboozle-Man turned around)
BM: Well alright, Lazy Jim. We need to blend-
(Bamboozle-Man noticed Lazy Jim was no longer there)
BM: In. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiii-
(We cut to Detective Chuck moving around the dance floor, trying his best to stay behind larger dancers to avoid the gaze of the clown mobster watching from above)
Chuck: There's no way she'd be down here. She's most likely in the VIP area. But how am I gonna get up there without being seen?
(As he pondered, he noticed a tall man with an unbuttoned shirt stumbling towards the stairs for the VIP area. Chuck knew an idiot when he saw one. Especially tonight. He was surrounded by them. This was his chance. This guy was bound to cause a big enough distraction for him to get up there)
Chuck: Bingo.
Drunk guy: Hello, boys. I'd like to be given VIP access.
Bouncer A: You need to pay.
Drunk guy: Okay.
(The drunk guy pulled out a solid gold credit card. The bouncer slid it in a card reader and let him through)
Chuck: Oh. Well that didn't work. Now what?
(Suddenly, the detective heard the breaking of glass and turned his head over to the bar. There he saw Bamboozle-Man in disguise as a pretentious wine taster. He was surrounded by a group of bouncers and the bartender)
BM: *drunk voice* Hey, man. Watch the threads!
Bouncer B: Sir, you can NOT ear chug the chardene!
BM: I need to hear the taste! You cannot contain my art!
(He was causing such a ruckus that every bouncer in the place had to restrain him, leaving the way to the VIP section open. Bamboozle-Man looked at Detective Chuck)
BM: *mouthed* Go.
(Chuck nodded and snuck up the stairs. Once up there, he saw various high class citizens enjoying their status. He even saw a guy with a monocle)
Monocle guy: Mmmmm. Indubitably, Reginald!
Chuck: Okay where is she?
(Detective Chuck scanned the VIP area for the ex-celebrity. Soon his eyes stopped on the elderly woman in the purple dress. She was passed out on the couch. Pete Pagliacci was nowhere to be seen. Chuck rushed over to her and checked her pulse. Still alive)
Chuck: Oh thank God. Hey, hey. Wake up.
(He shook her gently and her eyes slowly opened. For a split second, he could see her eyes spark with a white ethereal energy)
MM: Ugh. What is it?
Chuck: You got some explaining to do.
(Madame Mystery remembered him. She was shocked. She honestly didn't think anyone would be stupid enough to come after her. Especially here. For a moment, she had a twinge of hope in the deepest part of her being)
MM: Oh. It's you. You better get out of here before you get noticed. Pete wants your head on a pike.
Chuck: Well guessing by the fact that you haven't told them I'm here yet, you aren't that interested in your boss' wants.
MM: Maybe I already saw you get killed and now I'm just stalling for time.
Chuck: True. So there's nothing for you to lose if you tell me what I want to know. And the smell of alcohol on your breath suggests that your powers aren't even working anyway.
MM: Huh. Pete was wrong. You really are a detective. What do you want to know?
(Chuck pulled out his recording device)
Chuck: Anything that'll put him in prison.
MM: That's gonna be a no go for me, young man. If he goes down I go down.
Chuck: Trust me lady, I'm a lot older than I look. And from what I'm guessing, you aren't exactly doing this on your own free will. I'd make sure you'd be seen as a victim. Not an accomplice.
(Before she could even think about what she wanted to do, she heard heavy footsteps coming up the stairs)
MM: Shit.
(Suddenly, several clowns and bouncer were on the VIP floor)
Bouncer C: Everyone besides those two, out. NOW!
Monocle guy: Good heavens, Reginald!
(The citizens fled the floor while the dancers on the bottom floor looked up in curiocity to see what was going on.)
MM: Hello, boys!
Chuck: Uh oh.
(The crowd of goons parted as Pate Pagliacci walked in, with several cops and detective Flint behind him)
Pete: Well, well, well. If it isn't-
Chuck: Flint already said what you're about to say.
Pete: Dammit. Flint!
Flint: Sorry, sir.
Chuck: Listen. You guys don't need to do this. Madame Mystery has already agreed to tell me everything. It's over.
MM: I haven't agreed to anything!
Pete: Oh I'm really shivering in my boots. But you do realize all my guys have guns and you don't right?
Chuck: Well I have something you don't.
Pete: And what's that?
Chuck: BACKUP!
(Nothing happened)
Chuck: I said...BACKUP!
(Chuck looked down on the bottom floor to see Bamboozle-Man and Lazy Jim both on the dance floor. Bamboozle-Man doing the worm, and Lazy Jim patting the arms on his wheelchair)
Chuck: Guys!
BM: Huh? Oh crap!
Flint: You!
Pete: Who the hell are they?
Flint: That's the guy who lit up the warehouse and cut Vinnie in half. And the other guy....I actually don't know. Wait, why do they look like each other?
Pete: Who cares? Boys, kill 'em.
Chuck: Oh crap.
(A few more goons entered the club and forced the clubbers to clear out, leaving Bamboozle-Man and Lazy Jim alone surrounded by Pete's forces)
Pete: Maddie, get over here!
(Madame Mystery shuffled over to Pete, now scared off of the idea of rebelling once more)
Pete: It's crazy, This is gonna be the first and last time we ever actually meet.
Chuck: You're wrong. This isn't the first time we've met. And the next time I see you, you'll be in a cell.
Pete: You know....you do look kinda familiar. But the coroner won't recognize you after my boys are through with ya. Let's go.
(Pete and Madame Mystery left, leaving Detective Chuck alone with the goons on the VIP floor)
BM: Well that plan shat on itself!
Chuck: It was your plan!
BM: Just stating the obvious!
LJ: *grunts in disappointment*
BM: So now what?
Chuck: Do NOT let him leave!
BM: Got it.
(Bamboozle-Man raised his hands outward towards Pete and Madame Mystery's exit. The club door shifted and twisted until it imploded. Now instead of a door, the wall had been crumpled and the exit was sealed)
Pete: What in the hell!?
BM: You ain't going nowhere! I got three minutes! THREE MINUTES OF PLAYTIME!
Pete: Kill him! Kill them all!
(The goons swarmed around Bamboozle-Man and Lazy Jim while Detective Chuck fought his way down stairs. A clown showed up with a machine gun and aimed it at Bamboozle-Man)
Clown I: Eat lead!
(The clown opened fire and filled Bamboozle-Man's chest full of bullets)
BM: Ooh, that tickles. Let me try!
(Bamboozle-Man snatched the gun from the clown and fired the bullets into his chest instead. He fell dead on the ground)
BM: Oops.
(Another bouncer came running to tackle Lazy Jim out of his chair but before he could get to him, Lazy Jim clapped his hands onto his head, causing it to explode in a chunky bloody mess)
LJ: *grunts in disgust*
Pete: What are these freaks!?
BM: Your worst nightmare. Besides getting an audit. I'm assuming you don't pay taxes.
Pete: H-how does he know that!?
BM: Called it!
Flint: This way, I have men through the kitchen.
(Pete, Flint, and Madame Mystery ran towards the kitchen)
BM: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Flint: Up yours!
(They ran towards the kitchen but stopped as Pete saw a horrific sight through the circular window on the door. It was Bamboozle-Man in a chef's hat and a bloody apron. He had a pile of limbs behind him and a fire ax lodged into the table next to him, dripping with blood. He was currently shoving a leg into the garbage disposal)
Flint: Jesus Christ!
BM: Oh. Oh God. You weren't supposed to see this. I swear this isn't how the sausage gets made. Although this is the room where it happens.
MM: *throws up in disgust*
(The three of them ran back to the main room where Bamboozle-Man still was with Lazy Jim. Chuck was finishing up in the VIP area and knocked out his last opponent. He leapt down to be with his friends)
Chuck: It's no use, Pagliacci. You can't escape this.
Pete: I still got more guys than you do, pal!
(He was right. The trio had barely made a dent in the forces surrounding them. A rough fight was ahead)
Chuck: We're gonna have to fight our way out. Can you guys handle it?
BM: Did you not just see me take like a bazillion bullets to the chest?
Chuck: I'm just making sure!
LJ: *grunts in confidence*
Chuck: Okay. Let's do this.
Pete: END THEM!
(The surrounding forces came running at the, Chuck balled his fists and spent at least two minutes taking out multiple guys while Lazy Jim was using his insane strength to mutilate and rip guys to pieces. And Bamboozle-Man was. Well he was doing what he usually does)
BM: Boys and girls step right up!
(He was now in the costume of a circus ringmaster. A random spotlight was now on him as a wooden desk fell in front of him, stopping the goons from charging at him)
BM: Yes that's right ladies and gentlemen you are in for a show!
(He pulled out an old timey briefcase an opened it and took out several strange knick knacks and artifacts)
Goons: Oooh.
BM: I am a man of many travels and I've seen many things. Like this, a net made of extremely sharp wire!!
(Bamboozle-Man opened the can and a massive net burst forward at several people, cutting them into small meaty cubes but the others were too mesmerized to notice)
BM: Or this, a big red button that activates a trap door that leads to a room of rusty metal death traps!
(He pressed the button and another large group of men fell through a trapdoor. Soon after, a geyser of blood sprayed from it)
BM: And last but not least, my most prized attraction. A living paradox!
(Bamboozle-Man pulled the paradox from the briefcase, It was so indescribable that the poor men and women that looked at it had their brains imploded and faces melted)
BM: And that's why we don't trust strange men with briefcases, kids!
(With great effort from Detective Chuck, and little effort from Bamboozle-Man and Lazy Jim, most of the goons and clowns were either knocked out or dead. Although there were some stragglers who still needed taking care of)
Flint: Jesus Christ.
(From the other side of the sealed wall, several loud voices could be heard. Pete's remaining men were trying to get him out with a battering ram)
Pete: Well that was a lovely show, but me and my golden goose really better get going.
Chuck: No!
(The wall behind Pete and Madame Mystery finally broke down, allowing them an exit)
BM: Hey, I worked really hard on that wall!
Pete: Hold those freaks off, Flint.
Flint: What? Me!?
(Chuck began running towards them, not willing to let them escape. Flint was already incredibly shaken from the horrors he'd seen that night but still managed to get his gun out. He fired but his attack was pointless, the detective was already several steps ahead by side stepping randomly as he ran. Soon enough the dirty cop was floored by Chuck)
Chuck: Stay down.
(Detective Chuck swiftly got up again, chasing the two still)
BM: Dude wait!
(Bamboozle-Man tried to make his way over to him but was stopped by several more clowns and bouncers. Detective Chuck leapt through the hole, where he was surrounded by clowns with guns and a confident Pete Pagliacci)
Pete: Hey, kid. Let's have a little chat.
(The clowns grabbed Detective Chuck and shoved him in a limousine with Pete and Madame Mystery. And in a few short seconds, they were gone.)
BM: Chuck, no!
(The other clowns left outside scrambled. They knew how dangerous those two were. The bodies at their feet was more than enough proof. They were left there stunned that their friend was just taken and they just stood there and watched in shock)
BM: What the hell!?
LJ: *grunts in surprise*
BM: They just...took him!
(Detective Flint slowly got up and began limping towards the exit to escape)
BM: Oh no. You stay your ass right here, Dirty Harry.
(A chair suddenly flew towards Flint and he was forcibly sat down in it. Suddenly, a swarm of ropes wrapped around him, making him unable to leave)
Flint: Help! Help me!
LJ: *grunts*
BM: Right, we should get outta here before the cops show. We have an interrogation to conduct.
(We cut to several cop cars rushing up to the club to respond to the reports they heard. They found an empty building, a bloody kitchen, a mangled front entrance, and several bodies all piled up in the center of the dance floor while Toxic played on the speakers. And on top of that pile was a note that said "We have ur b0ss!, don't look for us". We then cut to a now captive Detective Chuck in the limo of Pete Pagliacci who was across from him with Madame Mystery. There was a gun in Pete's hand, aimed right at Chuck's gut. There was a thick tension in this car. Pete knew it was only a matter of time before Detective Chuck would come for him as a valid threat. And now he was nearly successful with getting his "partner" to squeal on him. He had to go. That's what his dad taught him. But something had been bothering Pete since the moment he saw Chuck. Why was he so familiar?)
Chuck: So. You gonna shoot me or-
Pete: Shut up! You have been making things hard for me.
Chuck: I tend to do that to criminal scumbags who won't leave my city alone.
Pete: Your city!? Ha! I've been running this place since before you were born. And I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.
Chuck: Funny. That's the same thing Pete senior said before I took him down.....Junior.
(Pete's stomach dropped. No one has called him that in decades. How did this guy know about his dad? In an instant, Pete finally remembered where he saw Chuck from. He was there the night Pete's father was gunned down by the cops. He's the one who led them to him. His father was also a crime boss. And Detective Chuck is the one who tore his father's organization to pieces. But that was years ago, and the detective hadn't aged a day)
Chuck: Now you remember.
Pete: It was you. You're the one who snitched on my old man. You got him killed!
Chuck: He did that to himself. He could have cut a deal and ratted out the other crime families in the city.
Pete: You know he was too stubborn for that!
MM: Am I interrupting something?
Pete: Nothing at all. Just a man finally finishing some unfinished business.
Chuck: Pete please. Just turn yourself in. Don't end up like your father.
Pete: Or what? You'll kill me?
Chuck: No but my partners might. You saw those two back there. They don't mind dismembering guys like you. Or anyone now that I think about it.
MM: Who even are they?
Chuck: I don't know. I met them both just tonight. But they are extremely impulsive and are likely on their way right now. Give up.
Pete: I'm not going to prison. But you're going somewhere much worse. Driver, get us to my place. What I'm about to do to him needs to be special. Intimate.
MM: Pete, what're you gonna do?
Pete: You're the psychic, you tell me. Then again, all that crap you've been smoking has been screwing with your powers hasn't it?
MM: Pete I-
(Pete pistol whipped Madame Mystery and knocked her unconscious)
Pete: Dumb bitch thinks she can get one over me. I'll teach her a lesson later. Now....you and I have a lot to discuss.
(We cut back to Flint who was awoken by a splash of cold water to his face. He was blind folded and felt the brisk wind of high altitude on his skin)
Flint: Wh-where am I?
(Lazy Jim ripped off Flint's blind fold, revealing that he was indeed atop of a high skyscraper, overlooking the entire city)
BM: You broke the cops' rule and now...you're high. Haha!
LJ: *grunts and gives "iffy" hand sign*
BM: Yeah I can do better.
Flint: Listen, you don't have to do this! I'll give you whatever you want! A pardon, a get out of jail free card, I'll give you my goddamned baseball seats just don't kill me!
BM: Oh I don't want those. Well maybe the baseball tickets, but that's not why we're up here. We want to know where your boss took our friend.
Flint: Heh. You're friends with that stick in the mud?
(Bamboozle-Man pulled out a giant rubber hand attached to a tennis racket handle and struck Flint across the face)
BM: That's MY stick in the mud!
LJ: *clears throat*
BM: Sorry.
(Bamboozle-Man slaps Flint again)
BM: That's OUR stick in the mud.
LJ *grunts thankfully*
BM: You're welcome. Now tell me where he is, asswipe!
(Bamboozle-Man reared his weapon back to strike him again)
Flint: No God please! I'll tell you. Judging from how much of a mess you three made tonight, he'll likely want to take care of him himself. He takes special guests like him to his penthouse.
BM: Where is it!?
Flint: Gah, it's on top of the official headquarters for Pagliacci's Patsies!
BM: Oh. Holy shit that's the building we're on top of right now! Thanks, Flint!
(Bamboozle-Man turned the slappy hand into a sledge hammer and struck the roof, knocking a hole through so he and Lazy Jim could get inside)
Flint: Wait, don't tell Pete I'm the one that told ya.
BM: Why?
Flint: In case you lose.
BM: Always planning ahead. I like that. See ya later!
(Bamboozle-Man grabbed Lazy Jim's wheelchair and by product Lazy Jim himself and jumped down the hole. Flint was left alone on the rooftop. As the two heroes went off to find their friend. A slight sinister grin crept across his face. We cut to the duo landing in the bathroom of Pete Pagliacci. Bamboozle-Man gently sets his friend down)
BM: Okay, Lazy Jim. We gotta be real careful so none of the clowns see us.
LJ: *grunts*
BM: What?
(Bamboozle-Man turned around to see one of Pagliacci's clowns was currently on the toilet, staring at them in shock and disbelief. He was caught beating his shmeat to an Ikea catalog)
Clown J: Uhhhhh-
(Bamboozle-Man flushed the toilet he was on, sucking him inside and killing him)
BM: We never speak of this. Never.
LJ: *grunts in agreement*
(We cut to the elevator. It had just made it to the penthouse where a clown was carrying Madame Mystery's unconscious body and Pete was holding Chuck at gunpoint)
Chuck: You've been uncharacteristically quiet. How long does it take you to ask a question? Is this why you resorted to organized crime? Not good enough in school?
Pete: Shut up!
Chuck: If you were smart you'd turn yourself in. My partners are most likely already on their way here as we speak.
Pete: What makes you say that?
Chuck: You left Flint at the Red Nose Club. He may be dirty, but he's no MI6 agent. They'll make him talk.
Pete: I don't care. All I want is you dead. But before that, answers. Get over there.
(Detective Chuck was shoved in front of the giant window on the left side of the room)
Pete: I wanted to torture you. I wanted to make you suffer. But I don't want to draw this out. Not anymore. So many years of pain and hate.
Chuck: And killing me will make you feel better?
Pete: Yeah. Yeah it will. But before I do that I need to know. How come you didn't age?
Chuck: I'm...different.
Pete: Like those two at the club?
Chuck: No. I don't age but I can die just like anybody else. From a stab wound, a car crash or-
(Pete fired and the bullet hit Detective Chuck in the leg)
Chuck: Gah!
(The noise of gunfire did two things. One, it awoke Madame Mystery. And two, it alerted Bamboozle-Man. He ran in from the hallway with Lazy Jim in tow)
BM: No!
(Distracted, the clown holding Madame Mystery failed to notice her knife that she had hidden in her sleeve)
MM: Bet you didn't see this coming!
(She stabbed the clown in the neck, which caused him to bleed out on the floor)
Pete: The fuc-
(Pete tried to shoot Madame Mystery but was stopped by Lazy Jim who threw one of the wheels on his wheelchair at Pete's hand which caused him to drop the weapon)
BM: You shot my friend!
Chuck: No, Bamboozle-Man I'm fine!
(As Detective Chuck looked at his partner, he saw reality around him warp. Space telescoped in and out and the walls began to melt. Pete Pagliacci was frozen in fear as Bamboozle-Man walked towards him)
Pete: No. No please!
BM: Do you know what I do to guys who hurt my supporting cast!?
(Pete fell to his knees to beg for his life)
BM: I teach them a little lesson. And ding-ding, Peter! Time for school!
(Bamboozle-Man grabbed him by his shoulders. Pete looked on in horror as Bamboozle-Man grew in size and towered over him)
Chuck: Bamboozle-Man, stop!
BM: And that lesson is.
(Bamboozle-Man pulled him close to whisper in his ear)
BM: You are what you eat.
Pete: W-what?
BM: And I'm an italian mob boss!
Pete: No please God sto-
(Bamboozle-Man's jaw unhinged and his mouth stretched to a monstrous size. Pete screamed in terror as a crimson light shined from his mouth and several demonic hands and limbs came out and grabbed him)
Pete: AAAAAAHHHHH!
(Bamboozle-Man swiftly changed back to his regular form)
BM: Eh nevermind, actually. I'm good.
(He dropped Pete to the ground, who was shivering. He had been so scared that his hair was now white. Bamboozle-Man ran over to Detective Chuck)
Chuck: You...didn't kill him?
BM: Yeah I thought that's how you wanted me to do it. Unless you want me to go back and-
Chuck: No! That was enough.
(Chuck pulled out a recording device)
Chuck: That car ride was everything I needed to get the proof that can put him away.
BM: Oh you tricky bastard.
Chuck: Yeah. You could say I....bamboozled him!
BM: Eyyyyyy! Good effort but you can do better but eyyyyyy!
LJ: *grunts in amusement*
Chuck: Now we just need-
(The trio noticed that Madame Mystery was now gone)
BM: Oh. That's not good. Is the case shot?
Chuck: No. The feds couldn't ignore this even if there weren't any witnesses. Plus I'm pretty sure she'll get caught eventually.
BM: Yeah. Oh what about Flint?
Chuck: He's alive?
BM: I told you I wanted to do this your way. At least for tonight. Come on.
(The three of them made their way back to the roof)
BM: Hey, Flint. Sorry I left you up he-Oh crap.
(They saw that the chair that was once keeping Flint hostage was now empty and the ropes were scattered across the roof)
Chuck: What!?
LJ: *grunts in surprise*
(Bamboozle-Man walked over to the chair and poked around it)
BM: How did you escape?
(He bent down and saw a confusing sight)
BM: Uhh, guys?
(Chuck limped over while Lazy Jim kinda just sat there. His wheel is gone, remember?)
Chuck: What is it?
BM: Was Flint an expert makeup artist?
Chuck: No?
BM: Then why is his face on this chair?
(Bamboozle-Man turned around with a rubber mask of Flint's face and presented it to them)
LJ: *grunts in confusion*
(Chuck snatched the mask and looked inside it. There was a note inside. It read "Tell Pagliacci thanks for the funds. Now I have all the money I need to continue my plans. -Sammy")
Chuck: Shit!
BM: What's wrong?
Chuck: A really big pain in the ass is back in town.
BM: Oh. Well you've been dealing with two of them all night so, I think you'll be fine.
(Tired from the night's events, Detective Chuck sat down and looked to the rising sun. Bamboozle-Man sat next to him as he levitated Lazy Jim over to where they were sitting)
LJ: *grunts in gratitude*
Chuck: Tonight was really educational.
BM: How so?
Chuck: For the longest time I thought I was the weirdest thing in this city but....for the first time in a long time, I was wrong.
BM: Well you were wrong for not wanting Lazy Jim to tag along too.
Chuck: You know what I mean. Now I'm gonna have to reevaluate everything I know about this place.
BM: Yeah. Um, Detective Chuck?
Chuck: Yeah?
BM: How big is your place?
Chuck: Sigh. Enough for three people.
BM: Nice. Niiiiiice. Wait shit should I take you to the hospital?
Chuck: Please, if you could.
(THE END)