- MAKE SURE TO LISTEN TO THIS MUSIC AND LOOK AT THE GIF -
Harry Styles
I hustled to the car with the many bags of groceries in my hands. When I was making breakfast this morning, I had realized that we were low on food and ingredients, so I picked up some things for us.
I love cooking for Louis, he eats anything and always smiles afterwards. I've always thought my cooking was disgusting, I mean it's been a hobby of mine ever since I used to work in a bakery, but I've never really shared my meals with anyone because I always just assumed they'd be gross. I'd help my mom around the kitchen a bit, but she did most of the heavy-lifting and I was more of the one to stir the sauce or measure something. But with Louis, I love cooking something and sharing it with him. But then again, I love doing everything with him.
If I had told myself all those years ago when we were just known as the boys sitting on the stairs talking about the song of the week, that the tan, athletic, hilarious boy I always sat next to and I would be together today, I would've never believed him.
You know, I think I really developed feelings the night before the second show. We were going to sing "My Life Would Suck Without You" and I remember the show vividly because I had missed sound check due to an overwhelming sense of nerves. I had never gotten stage fright that badly before and I still don't know what triggered it, but it was a feeling I do not miss.
I had been extremely upset at myself the whole ride to the doctors, which was a pointless ride because I knew the reason behind my illness, and I remember tearing up a bit in the back seat of the car. But then I felt my phone buzz. I reached for it and looked at the screen with the words Louis the Tommo Tomlinson illuminated, which was kind of a shock because I hadn't changed it to that...
Oh my goodness Louis, you really snuck on my phone and changed your contact number. Pathetic.
"Hello?"
"Hey Harry, how are you?" His soft voice asked.
"I'm fine, why are you calling?"
"To check up on you of course, I mean they kind of just rushed you out of there. Are you actually sick, or are they overreacting?"
I looked up at the driver, then quieted my voice in hopes of him not overhearing, "They're definitely over reacting, it's just nerves."
"I figured." I heard his chuckle on the other end of the call.
"But Louis, I'm scared. I've never had stage fright like this before. What if I can't perform tonight?"
"Hey Harry," His voice softened at my shaky tone, "you'll be alright. Plus, we can't do this without you so whether or not you like it, you're going to come on stage with us and perform. I need my good luck charm." I could almost hear his sarcastic flirty expression.
I huffed, "Well that helps."
He chuckled, "Just get back here in one piece and when you do, I'll be waiting to give you a hug."
And with that, we ended the call and I couldn't help but smile. Why was I smiling this big? Why am I so happy? Why did he instantly make me feel better?
I looked back at my phone as it lit up with a notification.
"Breath. You're the strongest person I know." - Louis.
How come we barely knew each other, but I felt so comforted by his slight words? Ever since the first time we met, we have been so magnetized to each other. I mean, he even jumped in my arms the second we had been put in a band together. I didn't even know the boy, besides seeing him around boot camp, but the second I felt his smaller body wrapped up in mine, I instantly knew I needed to do whatever I could to keep him up. So I grabbed his legs and wrapped them around me, carrying him all the way off the stage.
It was only when we had gotten to a small back room of the building that I put him down. He unwrapped himself from me and pulled himself away, immediately staring into my eyes the second they could find them. They were so blue. The brightest and bluest eyes I had ever seen. It instantly became my favorite color. I stared back and hadn't even realized how long I had been staring until I felt the Irish lad jump on my back. Startled from the random addition of weight, I stumbled forward, falling into the 18 year-old's arms. He held me up as Niall jumped off. I felt so warm in his hug, I didn't want to let go. But then again, I was always a hugger and was always so happy when in someone's arms, whether I knew them or not.
Ever since that first moment, we had kind of just clicked and were always together. Every backstage moment we had shared together, during the first video diary we had shared moments, everytime we were in the same room, I always just sort of found myself next to him, with his arm around my waist. We just always found ourselves hip to hip. And I loved it. It felt so right.
But there was something about the feeling I got every time I heard his voice, the butterflies I got everytime our eyes met, the sensation that ran through me everytime our bodies touched. It was different. I didn't feel it with any of the other boys. I hadn't felt it with my ex-girlfriend. It was completely new, and it terrified me.
I remember the fear that filled me every time I thought about it. Why was I so enchanted by his every move? He was a guy. I had never thought about a guy like that before.
But there's a first time for everything.
"Hey, I think I'm fine. I really think it's just nerves. We can go back." I told the driver.
He argued for a short bit but eventually turned around and headed back. We had only been on the road for ten minutes, so we got back to the building pretty fast.
I walked in, a bit embarrassed by the random play out of events, but those nerves quickly washed away the second I turned the corner to the dressing rooms.
I watched as Louis was all alone in his dressing room, shirtless, stunning, and completely unaware of my presence. He was folding the clothes he was going to wear later tonight and humming along to the song we were going to sing.
I cleared my voice to tell him that I was standing by the door. His head snapped to the right as his bright sparkling eyes met mine. That beautiful blue meeting me straight on and sending a shiver down my spine. A smile erupted on his face.
"Hazza!" He yelled as he stood up straight, opening his arms wide. He ran to me and wrapped himself around me, bare chest against my sweatshirt. I hugged him back but my face was painted with confusion.
"Hazza?" I questioned, stuffing my face into his hair which, by the way, smelled heavenly.
He pulled away and I frowned as the enticing smell left my nose. "Yeah, cute isn't it?"
I smiled, "Yeah it is."
He hugged me again, which made my heart race. Once he pulled away again, I found my eyes wondering south of his eyes, checking out his perfectly tan skin.
They immediately raced back up to his as I realized what I was doing, and his cheeks blushed as he went and grabbed a shirt.
"So you feel better?"
"Yeah actually I do. Your text actually really helped." I mumbled, looking down at my feet. No one had ever made me this nervous. Every word that slipped out of my mouth felt wrong, like he could easily make fun of them. He never did of course.
"Well I'm glad," He walked over to me and patted my shoulder, "you're going to do great. You have a stunning voice Hazza."
I turned around as he walked out the door, with a huge smile on my face. I was literally left speechless by just our little interaction. What was happening?
I turned the keys into the ignition and felt as the car vibrated. I drove the whole way home with a huge smile on my face. It was second hand nature to smile now. It hadn't been before, but ever since this trip, I just sort of found myself smiling... all the time.
The ride home was a pleasant one. I nodded my head to whatever song came on the radio, even if I didn't know it, and hung my arm limply out the window as I felt my growing-out hair blow around in the wind. I needed a haircut. The bottom strands of my hair were beginning to tickle the back of my neck.
Hmm, maybe I should let it grow out, see what I'd look like. Probably terrible, but I can always cut it. Or donate it! Yeah, I should try that.
As I pulled into the long winding road that led to our secluded Air B&B's driveway, I noticed a black vehicle pass me.
No one ever comes down here. Was there even another house? Who was that?
I shrugged it off as my mind fogged with thoughts of my Lubba bear and my present for him. I had seen on Pinterest two blankets, one blue and one pink, that a couple was wrapped up in and it physically made my heart sore just thinking about Louis and I replacing the random people in the photos. So I had gone to the store to find something along the lines of the pictures and hit the jackpot when I came across two throw blankets, one blue and one pink, with white circles and dots randomly distributed among it. The second I saw them sitting next to each other on the shelf, images of me cuddling with the pink one whenever I had to spend a night away from Louis, and him doing the same with the blue one, filled my mind and prompted a smile.
The thing about Louis and I is that I never felt like I needed to compete with him to be the "man" of the relationship. I see people asking an 'out' couple on the internet, "Who's the man in the relationship and who's the woman?" and I just don't get what the point is. We're both men. Just because we're bi doesn't mean we've changed genders? It all sort of confuses me. But with Louis, I've always felt protected by him. Like he was always there to cuddle me when I got scared or sad, and I guess some people could call me "the girl in the relationship" but for me, it just comes down to the fact that I like being held by Louis. I like feeling like he has his wings wrapped around me, keeping me safe from everything, and I don't mind letting him take the reins on certain things. He's always been the outgoing one. Starting conversations with strangers as I sort of lurked behind him, awkwardly shy for being a celebrity, and he would just caress my wrist behind him as he held a perfectly constructed conversation with the random person he met off the street. It almost reminded me of when I was a little kid, hiding behind my mum in public, because I guess I've always been shy. In fact, Louis's always sort of been the lead in our friendship, and now relationship, and I loved it. It was honestly a stretch for me, being the one to initiate our first intimate moment. It felt like the roles should've been reversed. But I was so glad to be able to pleasure Louis. That moment will always be so special to me.
I pulled into the garage and got out of the car, grabbing the grocery bags from the passenger seat and proceeding to the door. As I walked in the house, I immediately noticed Louis sitting eerily still on the couch, with a tissue box on the side table.
"Hey Lubba, are you okay?"
His head turned around quickly, obviously startled by my presence.
"Oh Harry, I didn't hear you come in."
I hustled around the couch, putting the bags of groceries and our blankets on the counter on my way to him. I plopped myself on the couch facing him and directed all my attention to the broken boy sitting across from me.
"What happened Lou? You were so happy when I left."
I watched as his emotions did a double take. His eyes screamed love as they looked at me, but just as quickly as I had rushed over to him, his expression changed to a painful look of hate. I watched as his eyes glared into mine. Fear immediately filled me as I felt my heart turn upside down.
His eyes kept portraying different emotions. They went from loving, to hating, to confused, to sad, and now to speechless. His mouth draped open but no words escaped.
"Louis, talk to me?" I reached my arm out to his thigh, trying to calm whatever virus was taking over the bubbly and happy Lou I had left just an hour ago.
His eyes shot down to where I had just placed my hand. I studied every flick of his eyes, trying to understand what he was thinking, but my goodness, he was being so hard to read.
Was he mad at me? Had he just heard terrible news? What could have possibly happened in that one short hour?
"Harry, stop, I-" He mumbled as he gently pushed my hand off of his thigh.
Okay, what is happening? Did I do something?
"Lou, did I... did I do something. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if I did something to-"
He shook his head, but then nodded? Then just stared right back down at his feet. I could see the tears well up in his eyes. "No Haz- Harry... no you didn't do anything."
I just shook my head in confusion as I watched him aggressively wipe the tears from his eyes. When he finally looked back up at me, he looked so broken. And so it broke me.
"Louis, please God just tell me what happened?" I whispered, not wanting to trigger his rapidly changing moods.
His eyes drooped with so much pain and empathy. What was he thinking? Why won't he tell me?
"Harry I've just been thinking I guess..."
"About what?"
"Us."
My heart stopped. Those words are never a good sign. Why was he thinking about us? And why does he sound so sad about it? There's too many unanswered questions.
"Lubba, what is going on?" I began to stand from my seat. He hadn't even said anything drastic and I could already feel the walls start to close in on me. All of the sudden, the room felt extremely humid and felt like it lacked oxygen. I felt myself back away from him as all of the possibilities of his next few words streamed in my mind. "I don't think we're working. I've met someone else. I think we should break up. I hate you." They all just came flooding into my mind, causing me to lose control of all of my senses. I could no longer taste anything, my hearing muffled, and my eyes got blurry as I watched Louis stand from the couch, advancing towards me.
"Harry, I had some time and well I realized how dangerous what we're doing is."
"Louis stop, what do you mean?"
"Just think about all of the things that could happen; This could be bad for the band!"
I took a step back every time he took a step forward.
"Louis what are you even saying? You were so happy just an hour ago! We were so happy!"
"Harry please, just listen to me-"
"No! You don't know what you're saying!" I felt my voice raise with every syllable.
He reached his arms out for me, but I found myself dodging them. What was he doing? What is going on? I'm so confused. Why is he thinking about this? And why now?
"Harry, please just try to understand what this could do to the band! Gay couples aren't the most accepted thing in this society, especially if it's between two members of the biggest boy band at the moment."
"I don't care! I don't care! Why do you care!" I found myself beginning to yell at him. He was the only person who's ever made me feel truly accepted in the world, and now I was yelling at him, begging to say that this was all a dirty prank.
"Harry calm down!"
I shoved my hands against my ears, trying my hardest to shut the noise of his beautifully angelic voice that sounded like shards of broken glass to my eardrums. I turned my body and continued to create distance between us. I could sense his presence following me as I felt his hand grab my arm and twist me around.
"Don't walk away from me!"
I dropped my hands, a little thrown off by his sudden voice level change.
"Louis why are you saying all of this?! I don't get it, why now?"
"I had time to think."
"There's nothing to think about! I love you! Do you love me?"
"Of course I do Harry."
"Why aren't you calling me Hazza!"
He stepped back at my interruption. "What?"
"You haven't called me Hazza this entire time? I haven't heard my actual name since the boys have left. Why aren't you calling me Hazza?"
"Who cares! It's just a nickname?!"
"Call me Hazza!"
"No! It's stupid!"
My heart dropped to the deepest depths of my body. Stupid? But I loved it. Why is he breaking my heart right now?
"Stop Louis, you're breaking my heart." I whispered.
His face immediately softened as he realized what he just said.
"I'm sorry Harry-"
"Hazza!"
"Harry please calm down."
"How can I?! What are you saying? Are you saying we should break up? I literally just got you!"
"Harry, please just think about what could happen if we come out."
"I don't care! God Louis why can't you just understand that! I don't care and I thought you didn't either! Literally yesterday we were talking about how we were going to come out! We were going to tell the world about us, and we wouldn't care what they said. Louis I was so excited!"
"That was selfish of us to say! We would jeopardize the entire band if we did that! I don't know about you but I don't want to be the reason Niall, Zayn, and Liam are out of jobs!"
"You're so.." I struggled finding the right words, "confusing. Stop it! Our fans aren't going to just turn their backs on us. We love our fans and they love us! They wouldn't do that!"
"You don't know that Harry!" I shuddered at that name, "You shouldn't be so optimistic all of the time, it's dangerous."
"And now you're trying to teach me a goddamn life lesson!? What the fuck is happening!?"
I never swear so Louis looked extremely shocked at my choice of words.
"Harry you need to calm down, you're being over dramatic."
I felt the anger boil inside of me. How dare he tell me that! How dare he make me believe that he loved me and then spit it back in my face. "Louis! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! I can't listen to this! I was so happy! How dare you tell me this! Who gave you the right to do this!? I was so excited to finally be able to have you! Do you know how long I've waited for you? How many times I've locked myself in my room at our house, crying, because you were out with some girl you met at the bar? How many times I've downed Advil trying to help the headaches I got from staying up all night waiting for you to get home? God Louis! Do you know how long I've waited for this!? And once I finally got you, once I was finally able to kiss you with all the passion I had locked away, you tear it away from me? Do you know how inconsiderate that is? How utterly disgusted I am by you right now? How dare you play with my feelings like that!"
"DON'T PUT THIS ALL ON ME!"
"WHO ELSE'S FAULT IS IT? CAUSE IT'S NOT MINE? I'M NOT THE ONE THROWING EVERYTHING AWAY?" My face was flushing with anger as I felt the need to smash something boil up inside of me.
"I HAVE NO CHOICE! IT WAS SELFISH OF US TO THINK WE COULD HAVE EVERYTHING!"
"WE CAN! WE CAN LOUIS, PLEASE!" I stepped closer to him. Maybe if I hugged him, wrapped him in the warmest hug I could create, he would remember how much he loved me. I reached my arms out in attempt to pull him in.
He stepped back and shoved my arms out of the way, "STOP HARRY!" He took a breath, "Just stop."
I felt whatever was left of my happiness drain into the depths of nowhere, leaving me completely drained. I felt more alone than I had ever. Whenever I felt alone, I knew that I could always go to Louis and hug him and he would never push me away. He would always hug me back, and hard, destroying any loneliness and sorrow that had been fogging my mind. But now that one person that I could turn to for anything was the one I wanted to get farthest away from.
"Louis please, you're hurting me." I whispered, so softly I was surprised I could even hear myself.
And for a split second I saw regret fill his eyes, but it immediately disappeared as he whispered the words I would never understand.
"It's better like this. This way, no one gets hurt."
I look straight into his eyes, the anger that had, for a short time, been suppressed, boiled up again.
"I'm hurt Louis. Me! Your Hazza! He's hurt! You're hurting him! Can't you see that!?"
"Harry, don't make this harder than it has to be."
"What do you even mean! I don't get why you're just giving up! What changed? What the fuck changed? We were so happy! You couldn't keep your hands off of me! And what about last night? Did that mean anything to you?"
He looked down and paused for an uncomfortable amount of time, "Last night was a mistake. And we shouldn't tell anyone about it."
"What the fuck! What the actual fuck! Last night meant so much to me! I don't ever want to forget it! It was so special! How can you just throw it away like it was nothing!?"
"Harry just forget about it, it shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have led you on like this, and I'm sorry about that but-"
"YOU'RE KIDDING RIGHT?! SO NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU DIDN'T EVEN LOVE ME!? SO THIS WHOLE TIME I WAS RIGHT, I'M JUST A CRAZY 19 YEAR OLD WHO HAS BEEN CHASING AFTER THE SAME MAN SINCE I WAS 16! I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER LET MYSELF BELIEVE THAT YOU MIGHT'VE LOVED ME BACK! OF COURSE YOU DON'T LOVE ME, NO ONE LOVES ME! I MEAN MY MOM OF COURSE, BUT SHE'S FORCED TO, I'M HER SON! BUT NO ONE'S ACTUALLY LOVED ME BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO! NO ONE'S EVER FELT THE OVERWHELMING SWARM OF BUTTERFLIES IN THEIR STOMACH WHEN THEY SEE ME, NO ONE'S WHOLE BODY SHUDDERS WHENEVER THEY TOUCH ME, NO ONE STAYS AWAKE AT NIGHT BECAUSE THEY'RE UNABLE TO SLEEP BECAUSE THEY KEEP REPLAYING THE TINY INTERACTION THEY SPENT WITH ME! BECAUSE DAMMIT LOUIS, I DO THAT EVERY DAMN DAY BECAUSE OF YOU!" I felt the tears streaming down my face. I was hyperventilating because I was screaming at him and not breathing while doing it. My entire vision was blurred from the water coming out of my eyes. All I could see was his shadow standing in front of me, as still as a picture. "I'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH HELL THESE PAST THREE YEARS BECAUSE OF YOU LOUIS! I'VE LOST SO MANY HOURS OF SLEEP WONDERING IF YOU LIKED ME OR REPLAYING A MOMENT THAT WE HAD SHARED BETWEEN US! AND THOSE MOMENTS WOULDN'T STOP REPLAYING IN MY MIND! I WOULD STAY UP ALL NIGHT ANALYZING EACH FRAME OF THOSE MOMENTS, WONDERING IF THEY MEANT ANYTHING TO YOU, BUT I GUESS THEY NEVER DID! AND THEN THE RELIEF I FELT WHEN I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS ALL OVER -THE WONDERING, THE STRESS FILLED LATE NIGHTS, THE TEARS- BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT I FINALLY HAD YOU! BUT NOW YOU'RE JUST THROWING IT ALL AWAY LIKE IT WAS A ONE NIGHT STAND!" I hadn't even realized that I had moved closer to him and was now banging my fists into his chest, but he wasn't flinching. He was just standing there, tears in his eyes, taking in every soft punch I was throwing at him, because no matter how mad I was at him, I would never hurt him. And I hated that. I wish I could just punch him because he deserves the pain, for what he's doing to me. But I know the second I see him falter under any kind of pain, I'll rush to his side and cradle him in my arms.
"Harry..." He spoke softly as I felt all the energy drain out of my system. I had screamed all of the anger out of me to the point where I was just standing there numb. No more tears came out, simply because there were no more left, so I just stood there, fist clenching the fabric of his shirt, staring into his eyes, giving him one more chance to change his mind. He stood there, silent, just staring back at me. He wasn't going to change his mind.
I let go of his shirt and let my hands fall to my side. I was about to turn around but I felt a wave of Adrenaline as a terrible idea that I know I will regret filled my mind.
In one swift movement, I brought my hands up to his cheeks and smashed my lips against his. I could feel his frozen body startled by my action but after a quick second I could feel the start of him kissing me back. I pinched my eyes shut, forcing the small bit of tears that had started to well up to stay where they are.
I pulled back, my lips wet from his tears that had stained his perfectly red lips, and stared into his eyes.
"I love you Lubba. I wish you could love me back."
And then I turned and walked up the stairs, and the second I turned the corner and knew that I was out of his eyesight, I ran up the remainder of the steps and let the abundance of tears that had somehow formed run down my cheeks. And as I'm about to shut the door behind me, I hear an inaudible mumble come from downstairs. But it was impossible to know what it said, so I let the door close, locked it behind me, and crashed on my bed, sobbing into my pillow.
Unfortunately I wasn't tired, so I had to sit in my room, trapped in my mind with my thoughts. I couldn't stop reminiscing about this past week and how wonderful it was. It was truly the happiest I had ever been, how could he just give up on all of it. I thought he was happy, he seemed so happy. Why wasn't he happy? Maybe I just can't make him happy.
And that's the worst part of it; At the end of the day, I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at myself for not being good enough for him.
I brush the tears from my eyes and slug over to the wooden desk wedged in the corner of the white room. I glanced at a pair of pants that Louis had left on the floor and winced at the memory attached to the placement of those pants.
I sat at the desk and pulled out a piece of paper and pen. I wasn't quite sure what I was doing, but I felt my hand beginning to move in patterns along the paper. Writing out words that just seemed to spill out of my mind.
Now you were standing there right in front of me
I hold on it's getting harder to breathe
I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.
All of a sudden these lights are blinding me
I never noticed how bright they would be
Each line written in my messy handwriting began to blur all together.
I saw in the corner there is a photograph
No doubt in my mind it's a picture of you
It lies there alone in it's bed of broken glass
This bed was never made for two
A tear detached itself from my cheek and almost seemed to fall in slow motion. Soaking a rugged circle on the paper when it finally hit.
Don't let me
Don't let me
Don't let me go
I felt the air leaving my system come out in pathetic huffs, whimpering with each intake of air.
Cause I'm tired of feeling alone
I dropped the pen as I melted out of the chair, falling to my knees as my sobs uncontrollably left my lips. My face dropped into my hands as I felt my chest collapse in on itself.
You're so pathetic. You're so pathetic. You're so pathetic.
I tried with all of my strength to suffocate my sobs and not make a noise, but I was so tired. I couldn't help but scream pitiful shrieks into my hands. My mind wasn't even working at this point. I just kept replaying every moment ever shared with him, over and over again. They wouldn't leave. No matter what I did, I couldn't get his smile out of my mind. His bright teeth, and the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed, and if I had gotten him to laugh hard enough, he would cover his tummy with his hand, similar to what he did when he was signing. Every little thing about him kept surfacing in my mind, almost shoving a knife into my heart, and then I would hear the way he said my name before I left, "Harry..." So pitiful. Like he was looking down at me because I was so heartbroken. And that...that... twisted the knife.
As my sobs quieted and I collected my breath, I realized I had curled into a ball on the ground. Honestly, how pathetic can I get?
I unfolded and brushed my fingers against the dried tears on my cheeks, slowly finding my way back to my feet, and crashing on the bed. I had a throbbing headache, but I wasn't about to go downstairs and get medication for it, so I just curled up under the sheets, closed my eyes, and forced myself to fall asleep.
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A/N
NOOOOOO!!!
Did the music add to it???
Last boy, what is your favorite Zayn era??
ZAYN DURING NIGHT CHANGES MV!!! HOLYYYY