at some point, and Cas listened to him talking on the phone, eyes closed, his low voice soothing.
'... No, I know you're busy with Jess, but you were supposed to... I know you didn't know... I know you didn't know... What about Jody?... What do you mean she's on vacation? Why didn't anybody tell me?... She said he'd been off, I mean, you heard about the light bulb incident...'
Cas breathed deeply, rolling away from Hoagie and stretching widely. He yawned and opened his eyes, and recoiled in horror. His own face was glaring at him, inches away from his nose. It snarled at him, blurring at the edges, and he screamed, hiding under the covers.
Dean came running into the bedroom. 'What? What is it?' He shook Cas's shoulder, but he wouldn't come out, so Dean got back under the covers. 'What are you seeing?' he asked softly.
Cas shook his head.
'All right, well, do you want to get a bag ready to go?'
'I - I can't, not w-without Hoagie,' Cas groaned.
'I called them up, and they said they've got no problem with accommodating for your epilepsy. You're gonna get your own room and everything.'
'I don't want to go, Dean,' Cas mumbled, scrunching Dean's shirt up in his fists.
Dean sighed and stroked his cheek. 'I'm gonna pack you a bag anyway, just in case. Then, how about we go out into town, and get some ice-cream, or something? Get you out of the house for a while.'
Cas nodded. 'Okay.'
'You ready to come out from under here?'
Cas's hands shook, but he nodded again.
'Just keep your eyes on me.' Dean slowly pulled the blanket off of them and Cas tensed.
He held Dean's hands tightly, but eased up when he saw nothing but Dean.
'You're doing so good,' Dean smiled. 'I'm gonna pack your bag, okay?'
'Okay.'
Hoagie jumped around the bed, wagging his tail. He'd perked up a lot since Dean had come home.
'I heard you on the phone,' Cas said. 'It's not Sam's fault.'
Dean glanced back at him from the wardrobe, but didn't say anything.
'It's not your fault either. It's no one's fault.'
Dean sighed. 'I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you.'
'Someone said something... I think it was Penny. She said - she said that you can't take care of someone else if you don't take care of yourself first.'
Dean smiled at him. 'You know what, I think she's right.' Dean finished packing the back and slung it over his shoulder. 'I'll be right back.' He left the room, and Cas heard the front door open.
When Dean came back, he was carrying a pair of shoes for Cas. 'Can't walk around without shoes,' he smiled, gently easing them onto Cas's feet. 'Okay, let's go.'
Cas got up shakily, holding Dean's hand, and left the bedroom.
Suddenly, he saw Castiel out of the corner of his eye. 'No!' he cried, putting his hands over his ears, as the figure yelled at him. 'Stop it! Leave me alone!'
The Dean's hands were at his arms, guiding him out the front door. 'It's all right,' he said. 'It can't hurt you, I'm here.'
He clutched Dean tightly, not looking at anything until Dean had put him in the car.
Dean whistled, then called Hoagie to the car, and they both got in.
'Time for ice-cream!' Dean said a little too excitedly, starting the car.
Cas leaned against the door of the car, shaking like a leaf. 'Was it like this last time?' he asked.
Dean grimaced as they pulled out of the driveway. 'I don't know what it was like last time,' he admitted. 'You wouldn't talk about it. I don't think you were seeing anything though. Just voices.'
Cas smacked his hand against the dashboard. 'Why was I such a goddamn asshole?'
'Hey, hey, you weren't an asshole,' Dean protested. 'You didn't want to scare anyone. It's not like you were expecting this to happen.'
'Don't defend me, Dean,' Cas snapped.
'Okay,' Dean said calmly.
'Do you need this wing mirror?' said Cas, agitated, trying to avoid looking at it. He could see his reflection moving.
Dean glanced at it. 'I can do without it for now.'
Cas rolled down the window and turned the mirror in so he couldn't see it.
Dean squeezed his knee. 'Just try and keep calm, okay? Do your box breathing.'
Cas nodded and did as he was told, but he couldn't stop fidgeting in his seat.
Dean stopped outside a store once they arrived in town. 'Wait here with Hoagie a minute,' he said as he got out of the car. 'I won't be long.'
As soon as Dean was gone, he knew that something besides Hoagie was in the back seat, so he bit his lip and closed his eyes again. 'It's not real,' he whispered. 'It can't hurt me, it's not real.' He jumped as Dean got back into the car.
'Got something for you,' Dean grinned. He passed Cas a plush dachshund teddy in a hot dog bun. 'It's a hot dog, get it?'
Cas took it and hugged it close.
'I'm thinking we can call him Hoagie Jr.'
'I'd like that.'
Dean drove them around to another part of town, nearer the beach, and parked the car. 'Come on,' he said. 'Let's get some of that sea air, I know you love it.'
They all got out of the car, Hoagie included, and Dean walked them to a beach shack to buy them ice-cream.
'Chocolate sprinkles, your favourite,' Dean said, passing Cas a cone.
They sat together on a bench, the salty air blowing over them.
'We used to do this every weekend,' Dean said, licking his ice-cream. 'If you had the weekend off, I mean.'
Cas just held his cone in his hand. 'It's a - a little c-cold for ice-cream, Dean.'
'Yeah, you're right. Here, take my jacket.' Dean took off his heavy leather jacket and wrapped it around Cas, taking the cone out of his hand.
Cas could hear the waves in the distance, and Dean sighed next to him.
'Cas,' he said eventually, holding Cas's hand. 'I know you don't want to go, but I really think it would be a good idea, you just gotta trust me on this.'
Cas bit his lip. 'Not yet,' he said.
'There's no rush,' said Dean.
Cas leaned back against the bench and rested his head on Dean's shoulder. Hoagie sat at his feet, and Hoagie Jr in his lap.
They sat quietly together for maybe an hour, until Cas sat up, holding Hoagie Jr tightly. 'Okay, Dean,' he said, pushing away his fear, 'I think it's time to go now.'
'Yeah?'
Cas nodded.
'All right, then.'
They walked slowly back to the car, Cas shivering the whole way, and flinching whenever he heard a voice in his ear.
Dean drove slightly faster than he should have, as though worried that Cas might change his mind, and they arrived at the hospital within minutes of leaving the beach shack.
'Here we go,' said Dean, taking Cas's bag out of the trunk. 'They're expecting us, so don't worry, everyone's prepared.'
'What about Hoagie?' Cas asked.
'He has to wait here.'
'Oh.' Cas lifted him out of the back seat for a quick cuddle. 'I'll miss you,' he said, kissing Hoagie on the top of his head.
'You can bring Hoagie Jr,' Dean said encouragingly.
Cas nodded, not trusting his voice.
Dean lead him away from the main building, towards a separate facility.
'I - I don't know if I can - can do this alone,' Cas mumbled, walking slowly towards the building.
'You're not alone, you got Hoagie Jr,' Dean smiled.
'Dean.'
Dean stopped and turned Cas to face him. 'Listen to me, Cas. I am not the right person to help you right now,' he said seriously. 'I can't make these things go away, and I definitely can't get you any meds. But they can.' Dean cupped Cas's face. 'This is all I can do for you.'
Cas sniffed and rested his head on Dean's chest for a moment. 'How long do I have to stay?'
'I think that's up to you and your doctors.'
'All right.'
They finally made it inside, where a few doctors were waiting for them. Cas didn't recognise any of them for a minute, but then saw Penny hovering by a door on the other side of the reception room. He was somewhat relieved, but still held onto Dean's hand tightly.
'Hello, Cas,' one of the doctors said, smiling kindly. 'We've been waiting for you.'
'Sorry,' he mumbled.
'Don't be silly,' he said. 'Now, before we get you settled, we have to do a quick entry assessment, you think you're up to that?'
Cas looked at Dean, who nodded reassuringly.
'And this must be Dean,' said the doctor. 'Come, step into my office. Dean can come too,' he said at Cas's expression.
It was a comfortable office, with a large desk and squashy couch. Cas and Dean sat on the couch, and the doctor behind the desk. Penny came in after, and perched on the desk.
'Hi, Cas,' she said. 'It's good to see you. I was worried.'
'Did - did you know - about-?'
'It was in your file,' Penny admitted. 'I was monitoring you for symptoms, and you never showed anything... but then you stopped coming.'
'For the record, I'm still annoyed that no one told me.'
'That's fair.'
The doctor cleared his throat. 'Okay, I'm going to ask you a few questions, just to get an idea of what we're dealing with here... All right, let's start with a little bit about your physical health. You've been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Epilepsy, is that correct?'
Cas nodded.
'And you've been on some medication for that, I see. Are you taking that regularly?'
'Uh, no, I - I ran out, and forgot to get more.'
'Okay, and how frequent are your seizures currently?'
'I don't know. I was - I was writing it down before, but I don't have my notebook.' Cas tensed again. 'Sorry.'
'It's all right, Cas,' the doctor said firmly. 'We're not expecting anything of you, this is just an assessment.'
'Relax,' Dean whispered. 'It's okay.'
'I've seen all of your trauma reports as well, and the effects of your brain injury appear to be consistent... Do you feel dizzy or nauseous at all?'
Cas shook his head.
'And you're not on any medication for your mental health?'
'No. My other doctor was worried it would interact with my anticonvulsants. He wanted me to be more stable on them.'
'Yes, I can see that from his notes here... It's good that you remember, though.' He gave Cas a smile. 'You weren't worried about him the last time you saw him?' the doctor asked Penny.
'Not at all. In fact, I felt we were making great progress.'
'All right, so do either of you have an idea of what might have triggered this?'
Cas fidgeted, his discomfort growing. 'Dean and I - we-'
'We were having a tough time,' Dean continued for him. 'I stayed with my brother for a while, and the other times this happened, he was triggered by loss, so I'm assuming...' He trailed off with a shrug.
'Does that sound right, Cas?' the doctor asked.
But Cas's blood turned to ice, and he shook his head. 'I'm not seeing you.'
'No? Jeez, Cas. I'm not saying I wanted you to lose it, but-'
'No, no, you don't understand,' Cas mumbled, gripping Hoagie Jr tighter in his lap. 'I didn't lose you. I knew you were coming back.' He curled inward slightly, glancing up at the corner, where the fake Castiel had appeared, arms folded.
Dean grabbed his hand and squeezed. 'Then, what is it?'
"Get away from Dean"
Cas's breathing came in short, sharp gasps. 'It's me,' he told them.
'You?' Dean said in confusion. 'What do you mean it's you?'
"He's not yours"
'Leave me alone,' Cas muttered. 'Go away.'
'Cas,' Dean prompted, but Cas didn't respond.
Cas stared as the fake Castiel snarled at him and started to glow. 'W-what are you doing?' The room started to shake, as though in an earthquake. 'Stop it!' Then a high-pitched whine filled his ears, so loud he thought his ears might burst. He grabbed his head and groaned loudly. It got louder and louder, drowning everything else out, until he felt something on his knee. He looked and saw Dean kneeling in front of him, tapping his knee. He was saying something, but Cas couldn't hear him, so he held up four fingers, pointed at them, then gestured at himself exaggeratedly breathing in and out.
Cas understood and, struggling at first, did some box breathing to the count of Dean's fingers. Soon, the quaking stopped and the fake Castiel faded away again. Cas grabbed fistfuls of his hair and pulled his legs up onto the couch.
'I think that will do for now,' the doctor said, closing his file.
'Cas, can you hear me?' Dean murmured.
Cas nodded stiffly, and Dean exhaled heavily.
'We'll start you on some medication and get you settled in,' said the doctor. 'Is everyone in agreement?'
Penny and Dean agreed, and Cas nodded.
'All right, then.' Everyone stood up, Dean pulling Cas with him.
'I'll be back to see you in a few days,' Penny said, smiling at him. 'We'll see how you're feeling then.'
They went back out into the reception area, where Penny and the doctor said goodbye. There was a nurse waiting for them by the entrance to the ward.
'Dean, wait,' Cas whispered.
'What, you didn't think I was going without saying goodbye, did you?'
Cas didn't say anything.
'I know you're scared,' Dean said, rubbing Cas's shoulders, 'so I'm gonna tell you exactly what you told me last time.' He smiled. 'There is nothing to be afraid of, they're gonna take good care of you here, and - and,' Dean faltered slightly, lip trembling. 'I love you so much, and I'll see you soon, okay?'
'I really said that? I sound smart.'
Dean gave a watery laugh. 'Yeah, you are.' He cleared his throat. 'You were right though, I'd listen to you. So - so just make sure you've got Hoagie Jr, and everything will be fine.'
Cas hugged Dean tightly.
'All right, all right, get out of here, they're waiting,' Dean chuckled.
'Oh, Dean, your jacket,' Cas said, shrugging it off.
'Why don't you keep hold of it for now?'
'Are you sure. Won't you be cold?'
'Nah, I got plenty of jackets at home. I think you'll need it more than I will.'
Cas smiled, and glanced back at the nurse waiting for him. 'I should go.' He gently took his bag out of Dean's hands. 'Bye, Dean.' He turned away, putting the jacket back on, and followed the nurse inside. He gave Dean a quick wave before he and the nurse turned a corner.
'Don't be nervous,' the nurse said. 'You're gonna be just fine.'
Cas nodded.
'My name's Meg, and I'm gonna be helping you out in here, so if you got any questions, I'll be right there.'
'Thank you.'
'This isn't a locked ward, or anything, so if you want to get some fresh air, or make a phone call, just let me know. Dean left us his number, so don't worry about trying to remember it.'
She walked him through the ward, past a row of rooms. Most of them were in use already, and Cas could see pictures and potted plants through the open doors.
'We usually prefer to keep these doors open during the day, but if you want some space to calm down, we can make an exception this afternoon,' Meg said, showing Cas into his own room.
He put his bag down, along with Hoagie Jr and Dean's jacket.
'I'll show you the communal areas, and then you can decide what to do next.'
Meg took him past the rooms, and into a big open space filled with chairs, stacks of plastic drawers up against one wall, a large table, and a TV hung high up on the wall. There were patients milling about. Some were sitting around, watching TV, others were at the table with various crafts.
'This is the activity room,' Meg told Cas. 'You don't have to hang around in here if you don't want to, but this is where we host group therapies in the evenings, if that's something you think would help.' They went through another door on the other side of the room, and along another corridor. This one was lined with windows.
'We do have a garden out there, but there's not much to do in the winter,' Meg said apologetically. 'We already planted all of our winter bulbs.' They continued on into the canteen, where Meg told him when meals would be.
'This is usually where you'll be taking your medications too. Have you been prescribed anything?'
'I think so.'
'We'll keep track of all that stuff for you, so you don't have to worry about a thing.'
Cas nodded.
Meg then showed him where the bathrooms were.
'Can I go back to my room?'
'Of course you can, I'll take you back there.'
She walked him back through the ward to his room.
'We've set up your room specially,' Meg said. 'You've got your own call nurse button for your seizures, so if you feel one coming on, just press the button and one of us will come to help you.'
'Thank you, Meg.'
'I'll leave you to it.'
Cas was glad to be in quiet of his own room. On their way back, he couldn't quite work out whether all the other patients were staring at him, or if he was imagining it.
He put his clothes away in the little chest of drawers in his room, and wrapped Dean's jacket around himself. He saw his reflection move in the tiny mirror hanging on the back of the door. 'You don't scare me any more,' he muttered, before turning the mirror over.