I grew up perfecting the art of controlling myself. My grandmother used to tell us that among her grandchildren, I am the most controlled and disciplined.
I always handle things calmly and perfectly. I remembered the first time I got so disappointed ng hindi dumating sila Mommy noong birthday ko because they forgot and were so busy that time, Lola consoled me but I didn't cry or throw tantrums. Nakinig lamang ako sa excuse ni Lola after that nakipag-laro nalang ako kay Peter. Because that's the only choice I had.
But now.. I cannot even control the jealousy. Parang virus na paunti-unting kumakalat. Gusto kong magalit na hindi siya sakin sumabay, hindi man lamang siya nag-reply pero ano bang laban ko kung best friend niya ang kasama niya dba?
Hindi ko alam kung gaano kalalim ang samahan nila, pero isa ang alam ko, hinding hindi niya ipagpapalit si Barb sa kahit na sino.. because she was there ever since. He made it clear nong date namin, Barb will always be in his present. No matter who his future will be, she will always be there.
Hindi ko naman gustong layuan niya or iwasan niya si Barb.. ayos lang sakin na lagi silang mag-kasama.. alam ko naman kasi at the end of the day, ako ang girlfriend niya.. I have faith in him..
Pero sana.. sana binibigyan niya ako ng heads up, hindi yong lagi nalang ako masu surpresa na mag-kasama sila o may plano sila para hindi na ako nagpa plano ng para sa aming dalawa..
"Chandy.." rinig kong tawag niya. "Babe.."
I collected myself before looking up to him, agad siyang bumitaw kay Barb at yumuko to give me a kiss. My reflex was too fast, agad akong umiwas kaya hindi natuloy ang balak niya.
I can feel all their eyes on me.. the tension building up, I wanted to play it cool but my body has its own mind and movement.
"People are looking." was my only excuse, ayoko na sanang gawing big deal pa at gawing awkward para sa aming apat na nandito.
"Oh, right. Sorry." He gently squeezed my shoulder before sitting beside me. Barb followed, sitting beside him.
She smiled at me, "Hi, Chandy."
I only gave her a nod, ramdam kong nakatingin lamang sakin si Hurricane.. sinusukat ang reaction at kilos ko. It's a good thing I rarely smile, kaya hindi ko kailangan mag-peke ng ngiti.
No one can decipher what I truly feel.. and maybe, that was my greatest advantage.
"Kanina ka pa ba dumating?" he asked.
"You'll know kung sinabayan mo siya." Cyclone sarcastically answered just when I was about to open my mouth. Agad kong tinapunan ng mapag bantang tingin si Cy. "Just saying, man."
I closed my eyes for a moment as I heaved a sigh. When I opened it and calmed myself tinignan ko kaagad si Hurricane. Nakikipagsukatan ng tingin kay Cy. The last thing I want ay magkapikonan pa sila ngayon.
"Kakadating ko lang din." I answered, trying to get Cane's attention.
Napatingin siya sakin bago tumango tango at maliit na ngumiti. Wala nang umimik sa amin pagkatapos. Hindi ko alam kung ako ba ang naka-sira ng atmosphere, gusto ko tuloy humingi ng sorry.. hindi ko alam kung kanino at para saan.. but in the end I also remained silent.
Para kaming nagpapakiramdaman lamang apat habang patuloy ang dating ng mga bisita hanggang sa may dumating na dalawa pang tao sa table. Si Amanda at isang lalaki, pinsan nila Cy si Amanda and I assumed boyfriend niya ang kasama niya. Nag-kikita na kami sa ilang occasions. She's always jolly.. and very talkative.
"Omg! Hurricane, you came!" the girl squealed before hugging him then her eyes travelled to Barb. "And Barb! I missed you guys!"
Cyclone cleared his throat kaya napatingin sa amin ang couple. "Oh! Cy, we always see each other sa occasions, but I missed you too!" then he kissed Cy on the cheeks before looking at me. "Chandy girl! I missed you where's Ansel?" she asked before giving me a beso.
"She can't come."
"Oh sayang. Nga pala, here's my boyfriend.." she looked at the guy lovingly as she hooked her arms on his. "Kent."
We all welcomed Kent. Umupo sila sa side ni Cyclone. Amanda became the life of the group, as always. When the program start doon lamang medyo tumahimik si Amanda.
We were all looking at the emcee when I felt Hurricane's hand on mine under the table. He gently squeezed it habang naka focus lamang siya sa unahan. Nakatingin lamang ako sa kamay namin.
His hands always felt warm.. I wonder when this will turn cold..
Agad kong inabot ang wine gamit ang isa kong kamay at mabilis na ininom yon. Naramdaman ko ang pag-tingin ni Cyclone pero hindi ko na siya pinansin. Humigpit ang hawak sakin ni Hurricane, mukhang nakita din ang bigla kong pag-inom.
Napatingin ako sa kanya pero lumagpas yon kay Barb na nakatingin sa kamay namin. Agad nag-tama ang tingin naming dalawa bago siya ngumiti at umiwas ng tingin.
Is it possible.. to feel the pain in her eyes?
No. I'm just thinking things. Bakit naman siya mukhang nasasaktan, they're just friends right?
Chandy, please. Clean up your thoughts.
18 dance came and Hurricane had to let go of my hand dahil siya na ang makikipag-sayaw kay Light. Kasunod lamang siya ni Cy na kakaupo lamang ulit.
I watched how Light's eyes twinkled as she saw her brother. She's happy he came, I can say the same for Hurricane.
"So.. I guess, open na for courtship si Light?" Amanda teased Cy who in return rolled his eyes.
"Tss, she's the suitor okay?"
Amanda and Barb laughed. I smiled in my head, understanding his words. They talked more about Light's adventure to courtship nang makabalik si Hurricane. He smiled at me before placing his hands again on mine under the table.
"Hey, no alcohol tonight right?" sita ni Hurricane kay Barb nang uminom to bigla ng wine.
"Wine lang naman."
Lumuwag ang pagkakahawak niya sakin hanggang sa tuluyan siyang bumitaw at bumaling kay Barbara. "Kahit na, magda drive ka pauwi." His voice authoritative. Parang napipikon pa na tumikim si Barb ng wine.
"Why don't you just drive her home? Delikado nadin for a girl na mag-drive mag-isa hon, especially malayo ang Tagaytay." Amanda advised kaya lahat kami napatingin sa kanya.. her smile have other meaning.
Agad napatingin sakin si Cyclone but I remained calm. Wala namang clue si Amanda na kami na ni Cane.. and she's somehow right. Sabay naman silang pumunta dito, better off sabay nalang din sila umuwi.
I can handle myself perfectly. I always can.
"And gosh, it's your job as her boyfriend!" she added.
Barb coughed as Hurricane looked at me in defense.
"Oh gosh, hindi ba? I'm sorry! Yong tinginan niyo kasi!" then she laughed, "Ganyan kami ni Kent noong mag best friend palang kami." She teased.
Biglang sumikip ang dibdib ko. Gusto kong burahin sa isip ko ang sinabe ni Amanda.. kasi.. kasi akala ko ako lang ang nakakakita.. ako lang ang nagbibigay ng malisya..
But hearing another person seeing and stating it..
Pero no, Chandy.. don't go there. Respect their friendship. It's platonic. You have to understand it.
Amanda's just.. clueless.
"Amanda.." Barb tried to laugh while shaking her head.
Napansin kong hahawakan ni Hurricane ulit ang kamay ko pero tinaas ko na 'to sa lamesa bago muling lumagok ng wine.
"Amanda.. I have a girlfriend." Hurricane politely said. He's too stiff, I wonder if he's still breathing..
Mahirap bang sabihin yon?
"Oh! I don't get it why you guys get yourself a girlfriend kahit super obvious ng feelings mo. Kent was like that dati before magka lakas ng loob!"
"Amanda, no.. Barb's just my best friend."
"As they always say."
Pinipilit kong balewalain ang sinasabe ni Amanda.. but every words she say stung..
"No. Chandy's my girlfriend." Hurricane finally said, lahat sila napatingin kay Cane. Amanda looked too shock as her eyes travelled on mine. My face remained blank but I tried to smile.. to assure her it's okay.
But I guess I am not really good in faking emotions.. I'm better in masking them with my stolid face.
"Oh.." then she laughed awkwardly, "I am very sorry, Chandy! I am just fooling around. I don't mean anything I've said!" she excused bago napalagok sa wine niya.
"It's okay."
"Huy, I am just kidding ha! Hindi naman lahat ng mag best friend in-love sa isa't isa."
"Hon."
"Okay, I'll shut up na."
I just gave her a nod. Pero tuluyan na akong nawala sa mood, gusto ko na lamang umuwi sa Manila at mag-pahinga. Gusto ko nalang humiga at tumulog.
I don't want to entertain the thoughts and pain creeping inside.. ayokong isipin na may nararamdaman padin siya para kay Barb.. tapos na'yon.. Wala ng kahulugan ang mga tinginan nila..
He pursued me.. he promised he will make me see 'us'..
All I have to do is to have faith in him..
**
When the party ended Barb's already wasted. She's too drunk. Tawa lang siya ng tawa, she even hugged me nang mapatingin siya sakin. "You're so lucky, Chandy." She slurry said.
My face remained blank as I tried getting her off of me. She reeks of alcohol,at ayoko ng pakinggan ang iba pa niyang sasabihin.. wala na akong lakas ngayong araw.
"C'mon, Barb."
Kinuha siya ni Hurricane sakin at dahan dahang nilagay ang kamay ni Barb sa balikat niya. He looked at me apologetically.. hindi ko alam kung para saan ang 'pasensya' na'yon sa mga mata niya.
"Wait here, babe. Papasok ko lang si Barb sa kotse."
"I'll help."
Tumango lamang siya at nauna ako sa pag-lalakad. I opened the car's door for Barb, Hurricane tucked her in very carefully, inalis niya ang wig na suot ni Barb bago pinahidan ng panyo ang pawis sa noo neto.
My heart clenched as I stood here. Watching my boyfriend taking care of another girl is too much.. pero hindi ako makapagreklamo.. dahil hindi naman basta basta ang babae na inaalagaan niya..
It's one of the things I have to accept if I really want this relationship to work..
Tumalikod na lamang ako, pilit binabalewala ang paninikip ng dibdib ko. Huminga ako ng malalim bago nag-tama ang mata namin ni Cyclone. He's with his cousins, hindi masyadong malayo sakin.. then his eyes travelled to the man behind me.
He was about to walk towards us nang umiling ako. No, I don't want him meddling, if I have issue now with Hurricane sa aming dalawa lamang yon. I can talk to Cane alone. I can handle this alone.. with him.
"You're too wasted," I heard him said to Barb, his voice were soft.
Mas masikip sa pakiramdam. Ang hirap lang siguro tanggapin na hindi lamang siya sakin 'ganyan' makipag-usap, hindi lang siya sakin 'ganyan' tumingin.
No, Chandy. You're just being dramatic. You're thinking too much, you should stop.
I closed my eyes as I heaved another sigh then I turned around to get his attention.. if I can.
Napaangat ang tingin niya sakin bago umayos ng tayo. Tinanggal nadin niya ang wig niya bago ngumiti sakin. He reached for my hand, slightly pressing it.
"Baby, sorry." He sounds so apologetic.
"For?" I asked. My voice whole as I stood here with all my strength.
He met my eyes as he placed his other hand on my cheeks, he licked his lips as he cleared his throat. "For everything. For going here with Barb instead of going with you.. for Amanda.."
"Then why did you go with her if you'll just be sorry after?" mabagal at mahinahon kong tanong.
Parang hindi niya alam kung anong isasagot niya sakin, napatigil siya saglit bago mag-iwas ng tingin.
Huminga siya ng malalim bago inalis ang kamay sa mukha ko. "We.. we already planned it before.. I just can't cancel our plans."
So dahil wala kaming plano agad kaya.. kaya kay Barb siya sumabay?
"Do you love her?"
Hindi ko mapigilan hindi itanong. Alam kong pagsisisihan ko to, pero.. pero gusto kong marinig. Dahil ayokong ipagpatuloy to at maging tanga lang.
"As her best friend, yes. Pero hanggang doon lang yon. Ikaw ang girlfriend ko, ikaw ang gusto ko. You know that, right?"
Gusto? So.. kaya hindi siya sumagot nang sabihin kong mahal ko siya kasi gusto pa lang niya ako?
This night is too much..
"Hey, babe. You shouldn't worry about her, what I felt for her.. nakaraan na'yon. I'm already yours, okay?"
Bumitaw ako sa pagkakahawak niya bago muling sinalubong ang mga tingin niya.
"Then tell it to yourself. You're the one who needs more convincing."
Pumikit siya bago muling nag-mulat, hindi natutuwa sa nangyayare. "Chandy naman.."
"Go.. drive her home. I can handle myself."
"No. I'll drive you home."
"Then sinong mag-hahatid sa kanya?"
"Don't worry about it. I won't let my girlfriend question her worth or place in my heart." He sincerely said before grabbing my nape.. placing a long kiss on my forehead. "Wait here,"
Umalis siya saglit, pinanood ko siyang kinakausap si Cyclone. Cy looked at me before nodding at Hurricane. Maya maya pa bumalik na siya sakin at hinawakan ang kamay ko.
"Let's go."
"Are you sure?"
He smiled at me warmly before he stopped walking, "I already made a mistake. But know that starting today.. you will always be the priority." Then he enveloped me in his warmth.
If this is stupidity.. then I hope this will be worth it..