Matthew all but dropped Avan on the couch and looked up at me with what he seemed to believe was a sheepish smile.
"He's drunk," he explained, glancing at Avan's contorted and unconscious body. "I'm sorry for bringing him here. Is your Dad home?"
I shook my head. Matthew tried his best to appear nonchalant, but he clearly didn't know how to act around me anymore. We hadn't talked since I met Marveen.
He wore his usual dazzling colors, standing out among the pale furniture of the living room.
But this time, his outfit meant something different to me. I no longer perceived the colors as his efforts to attract eyes to himself, but his best attempt at deflecting our attention. I knew what he wanted to conceal with his long sleeves.
I couldn't pretend that I didn't know. Normal had been tossed out of the window and we would have to figure out how to navigate this untested and shaky territory.
In his eyes, I read an uncertainty I was all too familiar with that asked how we were to act now that the parts we tried so hard to keep hidden were now exposed. Along with it came the panic of holding an important piece of each other that we were too afraid we were unworthy to control.
He cleared his throat, visibly conscious that I had been staring at him, but he did not comment on it.
"So, what should we do with him?" he asked, attempting to shift my attention to Avan's form on the couch.
"I don't know. He hasn't moved since you brought him in."
I glanced toward Avan. His hair veiled part of his face, out of control. Where did he even get alcohol?
Matthew lightly poked Avan's head but he didn't budge. "I don't think that's a good sign," he said.
"You should get him to his aunt," I told him, leaning over the couch to observe Avan's face.
Though he seemed to be fast asleep, Avan looked anything but peaceful. Pearls of sweat smeared his forehead and a frown highlighted his tortured face.
Whatever torment he was experiencing inside seeped past his walls into plain sight. My hand longed to rest on his shoulder and appease him but I held it back.
I still wondered why he put himself in this state, even though a part of me knew exactly why.
Acknowledging that she was gone was only a step in the process of recovering from the loss I felt, and above it a long flight of broken and daunting stairs awaited. A never-ending, merciless path to a hazy destination.
Drinking ourselves into forgetting only sent us tumbling back down the stairs and slowed down progress. Yet, it was still tempting to choose temporary relief and I couldn't blame him for it.
I looked up when I realized that Matthew hadn't moved. I couldn't decipher his expression as he quietly watched his friend's affliction.
"Is everything okay?" I asked and he instantly nodded to humor me.
"The smell of alcohol bothers me," he explained, scrunching up his nose.
He added a chuckle to lighten up the mood, but I understood all the implied connotations hidden in his sentence.
"Right, of course. I'll come with you." I pulled on Avan's arms with all the gentleness I could muster while wondering if Matthew was disappointed in him for drinking when he probably knew about Matthew's family.
I wrapped his limp arm around my neck and held onto it to support him. Avan's feet trailed on the floor as Matthew and I walked across the living room.
A cold breeze welcomed us outside, a pleasant contrast from the warm air I felt on my neck every time Avan breathed.
Well, at least he was breathing.
I helped Avan climb onto the backseat of Matthew's car and I sat next to him as he fell on the other side, knocking his head against the door.
Matthew glanced in the rearview mirror to check on us. "All good?"
I gave him a thumbs-up and tried to ignore Avan's grunts and his mumbles of Riley's name. I wanted to wake him up from his nightmare, but I wasn't sure reality was a better alternative.
I was also not looking forward to meeting his drunk alter-ego.
I watched his face as he continued to sleep. The pale hues of the setting sun and the street lights adorned his cheek in rapid successions as the car all but soared over the road.
Neither Matthew nor I said anything. A tense and concerned silence crept inside the car and we allowed it to run rampant. Not a hum arose from the car radio and soon, all I could hear was my heart anxiously beating in my chest, much louder than I would like it.
By the time we reached Avan's house, multiple improbable scenarios had already invaded my mind to keep me entertained. In most of them, Riley was still alive and claimed that I had slept off an entire year, but as implausible as it sounded, it felt much more realistic than the reality I was stuck in.
The street lights glowed amidst the dark neighborhood like a lighthouse for a wrecked ship in the middle of a tempest, which was precisely how I felt, barely able to stay afloat.
"I'll wait for you. I'm not on good terms with Elena," he said and I scowled at him, not excited about carrying Avan all the way across the lawn.
I climbed out of the car all the same and walked around it to open Avan's door. I lightly brushed his shoulder and his eyes snapped open though the car ride and the hits had not managed to wake him up. I helped him climb out and supported him as we walked—limped—to the front door.
Almost as soon as I rang the bell, Elena opened the door. She took one glance at Avan and understood. She scowled at his pale face but showed no surprise as she helped me set him on the couch.
"Thank you for bringing him home, Avery," she said with a tight smile.
Avan slightly shifted to lean on the arm of the couch and though he looked right at us, he barely seemed to register our presence.
Elena leaned over, brushed a few strands from his face, and touched his forehead with the back of her hand. Whatever she felt seemed to reassure her and she stood up straight again.
"Don't worry about him," she said. "It's not his first time," she added with a sad smile.
She glanced at the clock above the television, then placed both of her paint-stained hands on my shoulders. "Darling, I'll be back in a few minutes with soup. Try to keep him awake, would you?" It was more of a passing thought than a question.
The comforting thought that I would only have to hand him over to his aunt before leaving vanished into ashes. I would have to deal with Drunk Avan myself and keeping him awake wouldn't be an easy task as his eyes fluttered, ready to drift back to sleep.
I plopped on the couch next to him. He gave me a drowsy, awkward smile that I couldn't help but return... until he spoke.
"I miss you, Riley."
The sentence echoed in my head, making it hard to forget it. I couldn't pretend that I had just imagined it.
I debated what to do next. I knew my job was to keep him awake, but punching him unconscious would be so much easier to do. Maybe I would if I didn't know he was drunk.
"Avan, I'm not—"
A sigh interrupted my sentence, erupting from a shadowed and exhausted corner of my heart. Exhausted from the number of times that I had wanted to point out that I wasn't her, to the people who thought I was, to those who wanted me to be, but mostly to myself who deeply wished I could be.
I was tired of trying so hard to replace her for everyone who missed her and fill the empty space for everyone else.
Yet, I heard myself ask, "What do you miss about her—me?" Because my job was to keep him awake and though it wounded my feelings, I couldn't reason with an intoxicated guy.
"Everything," Avan said, his voice hoarse.
He looked at me, but I knew he didn't see me.
"I miss our arguments, and the way you... you'd get so angry and personal in our class debates." He chuckled and shook his head, mostly talking to himself. "And you trusted in our relationship... even when it was hard to do... even when I didn't. I miss how you planned every little detail of our future, so much that it made me believe that we had one... that we had already lived it. I miss this..."
He leaned toward me and I held my breath, internally panicking, but he simply lay down in my lap and placed my palms on his eyes.
"You always tried to keep me from seeing the sad scenes in movies," he said. "I just... I miss you."
I smiled even as tears pricked the corner of my eyes. If nothing else could break him out of his trance maybe my nostalgic tears would.
His silence worried me and I knew he was drifting again. I gently removed my hands from his eyes and tried to help him sit up, but he leaned in again and his hands found support on the arm of the couch on either side of my head, pinning me to the couch.
His eyes looked red from drinking, crying, or both and they focused on my face.
"Oh boy," I whispered when his face stopped mere inches away from mine. Where was Elena when I needed her?
How could I pull away without hurting him? He was already going to wake up with a hangover, the last thing he needed was a black eye too.
Turning my head at the last minute, I let his lips brush my cheek instead. His head rested on my neck and he didn't move for a while.
Using all the strength I had in my arms, I pushed against his chest long enough to slip off the couch. His body fell back on the couch just as I landed on the rug.
He didn't move but I heard him grunt in pain as his arms tucked painfully under him. I was definitely not a good guardian of alcohol-infused teens, but I still found it hard to feel guilty.
He slowly sat up and brought his hand to his forehead, rubbing his temples. When he opened his eyes, he saw me on the floor and his eyes narrowed in confusion.
"Avery? What are you doing here?"
I had never been this happy to hear my name. I was too relieved to care about his disorientation.
"Careful. Hot soup coming in." Avan's aunt slowly walked to the couch, carrying a bowl and a spoon on a platter.
As I stood up, I brushed invisible dust off my pants, mostly to give myself something to do so that I wouldn't have to meet Avan's gaze.
"I'm sorry it took so long, Avery darling. I hope he didn't drive you crazy."
Oh, trust me, he drove me insane! "No, of course not," I replied, ignoring the perplexed stares Avan continued to send me. "I'll leave now. Good night."
"Take care, sweetie."
I nearly ran out of the house to Matthew's car, not wanting to spend any longer inside. I entered the car and sat in the passenger's seat.
"Hey, how did it go?" he asked, not looking the least bit impatient after waiting about half an hour.
I thought about my answer and revisited what happened in my mind. I had just been to the live show of Avan's affection for my sister. And while it warmed my heart for her, I couldn't ignore the tingles on my cheek.
I leaned back into my seat to try and avoid the intensity of Matthew's analytical stare. "Perfect. Just perfect."