After a couple of hours of a nap, I wake to darkness. I glance at my phone and realize it is later in the evening so I slept most of the day away. My mind is calmer, but still a jigsaw puzzle trying to scramble all the pieces of the other night together. I decide to solve one of the issues by dialing up Jamie. Basically to hear her side of things, but also use her perspective to decipher Bash.
"Hey Jamie," I say apprehensively holding the phone close to my ear.
"What's up Emma?"
"So are you going to tell me what the hell happened?" I declare getting right to the point not able to hold it in anymore.
She goes silent on her end. "I uh, its complicated," she states agitated.
"You slept with Matt?" I say more of a statement than a question.
"Yes, I did," she responds her voice growing smaller.
"But um, what about Jeremy?" I ask confused.
"Well, we are not official..."
"Jamess," I say dragging out her name.
"Ok, I wasn't thinking, alright. Matt was smoking hot and I just didn't think," her voice strained. "But honestly Jeremy and I aren't a couple, we only kissed." She pauses for a moment. "But it still doesn't feel right, that's why I ended up running out before Matt woke up."
I can hear her turmoil raging. My voice softens, "Are you going to tell Jeremy?"
"If I do he probably is going to end things. He already knows I slept with Jared and I wasn't even going out with Jeremy at the time," her voice cracking.
"Do you like Jeremy?" I ask instead.
"I actually do. I think I am falling for him and I just messed it all up," she says and then sniffles.
"No, no don't say that. Jeremy is a very sweet guy. I honestly don't believe he would just dump you like that," I say hopefully.
"Do you think I just shouldn't even tell him?"
"I am not sure Jamie," I respond her anxiety starting to spread onto me. "I don't think I should make that decision."
She wavers. "You're right. I am a shitty person. I can't believe myself. I don't even know why—"
"Hey, hey, stop it's alright. Don't tear yourself down."
"Gosh!" She exclaims. "Things are so much easier when I don't care about the guy. I am going to go, okay? I need to think over some things."
I nod my head and then remember I am on the phone.
"Alright, you'll be okay Jamie. If you want to call me later, I'll leave my volume on."
"Thanks, Emma."
I hang up and moments later I realize I never got to tell her about Sebastien.
***
I return to campus the next day by bus, doing everything in my power to avoid my best friend at all costs. I haul my laundry hamper over my shoulder when I faintly recognize a blonde bypassing me. It's Britt, wearing sweatpants. I blink twice. That seems a little odd...for her.
"Britt?" I ask quizzically.
She turns to me. "Oh, hi Emma," she says feebly.
"Um, how are you doing?" I ask hesitantly.
"Ugh. I'm sure you already know. Bash and I broke up," she replies simply.
My eyes widen and my laundry bag drops to the ground. No, I definitely didn't!
"Wait! What?" I screech and then rapidly pick up my hamper and lean it against my leg in support.
"Huh, I guess you didn't." She pushes her sunglasses on top of her hair revealing her eyes. "Yeah, he drove to my house early in the morning and said he needed space. I don't know what I did."
My thoughts are wild. He went on a break with Brittany...Right after he kissed me. Oh, shit! I think I need to sit down before I might possibly pass out.
"I am so sorry Brittany. I am not too sure either, but I don't think it was you." I bite my lip. "I got to go, I'll see you around," I say and quickly walk away my guilt like a wave crashing into me.
I spot the nearest bench and plop down. I hold my head in my hands as my thoughts continue to jump around. I immediately pull out my phone and scroll. I want to call Sebastien, but I can't for obvious reasons considering he's the source of a lot of my problems right now. Instead, I dial Lukas.
At soon as I hear the phone click I blurt, "Bash kissed me," I say it so quickly, almost as if it was all one word.
He doesn't hesitate. "No fucking way! I called it! How the hell did this happen?"
I go into detail starting from the beginning from us baking cookies all the way to when he dropped me off. I leave out certain details about his family I know Bash wouldn't want to share.
He listens silently and once I'm finished he responds, "Alright. So from my perspective, there are three possible things he's thinking A. He is trying to figure out how he feels B. It was a huge mistake and he is afraid of the damage to your friendship or C. He wants to do it again but is afraid of how you took it."
I contemplate. "I don't know which one it is," I respond truthfully.
"Well, which one do you want it to be Emma?" He replies in a suggestive way.
"I uh, I don't know," I say cagily and run my fingers through my hair nervously.
"Yes, you do," he retorts assuredly.
"I honestly feel like I want two different things at the moment." I take a deep breath.
"Anyways, I just needed to let that out. You're the first person I told, but I don't want to think about it anymore. Tell me about you. How's Vanessa?" He allows me to drop it and excitedly tells me that they are going out for a 1-month anniversary.
"I don't think one-month anniversaries are a thing, Lukas," I respond back as he starts laying out his drive-in movie date plan.
"It totally is, don't lie," he tells me and then outlines his night. I listen as he explains how he worked extra shifts to save enough to take her out and realize he is even a bigger softie than I thought, and I can't help but smile. After we finish talking we hang up and I feel a little less tense so I go over to the dining hall.
I find a nice table in the corner and sit alone organizing myself. I am about to stand up when I make eye contact with the very person I am trying to avoid. Everything inside me freezes. He stops talking to his group of friends and strides right over to my table, immediately skyrocketing my tension once again.
"Hey, Emma," Bash says looking down at me. I peek up and see him sporting his leather jacket and black jeans, his face appearing carefree but slightly guarded.
"Hi, Bash," I offer a timid wave. Bash is normally the one person I never feel shy around.
He sits down across from me sliding into the chair. "So, I am glad I found you here. I wanted to talk about what happened the other night." He looks at me his face carefully blank. Oh, no I am not ready. I wanted more time to prepare for whatever he says.
I gulp, and by his face, I think I can assume what his thoughts are. I let out a strained laugh. "You mean the night we went to your dad's? Oh, totally no worries. I'm not mad or weird about it! Totally cool!" I say in the most upbeat tone I can muster up.
He stares at me oddly. "That's good," he says slowly.
"Yeah, like things don't have to be weird or change or we don't even have to talk about it. Like no biggie it happens," I say my mouth taking a mind of its own from my sporadic nerves. I rapidly drum my fingers against the table. He glances down at it.
"So you're not angry or weirded out." His tone is controlled but unbelieving.
"Of course not. We don't even have to mention it like ever again," I say hoping this won't fracture our relationship.
"Alright, then," he says. He stares at me and there's an awkward pause. "Okay, I guess I'll see you around."
"Okay" I nod my head like a bobblehead. He gives me a single nod and stands up and turns away going back to his group of frat brothers.
His form slowly disappears from my vision and then I drop my head into my hands replaying that conversation over and over in my head. I don't know why I rambled like that. I should have just let him talk first. I just got so worried and got afraid of what would happen between us. But now I feel like I made things worse because making assumptions is always a bad idea. Irritated at myself and my stomach still twisted in knots, I no longer feel hungry so I pull out my laptop to do work instead.
***