The early morning sun rose and I lay on my back looking at the fluffy clouds floating weightlessly in the sky. I felt like I was a million miles away from Olivia but for some reason looking up at the sky made me feel closer to her, knowing we were under the same one.
That's some girly bullshit Liam.
Jordan crawled out of a nearby tent, half naked with messy hair showing the good time he obviously had last night. He shrugged on his t.shirt as he approached me, nudging Zak and Ben awake with his foot.
"Come on, we're going fishing." He announced.
***
We sat on the river bank with the fishing rods in our hands, It was breezy by the waterfront but it wasn't uncomfortably cold. Jordan loaded bait on the end of his hook and then threw the reel into the water, turning to me with sincere eyes.
"So Olivia, huh?" He asked.
"Yeah." I said without a beat, nothing stopping the obvious smile from taking over my face.
"Zoe was well into you last night. She's smoking hot but instead you spent the whole night talking to her about another girl." Zak giggled.
"We all heard what you said." Ben said
I shrugged "that I love her?" I admitted.
"But how do you know you love her if you've never had a girlfriend before." Ben asked with his annoying voice that sounded like nails down a chalkboard.
I can't believe she let him anywhere near her.
I narrowed my eyes in his direction but then thought about his question, especially since everyone else was looking at me, waiting for an answer.
"Honestly, she's the first person I think of when I wake up. She's the last person on my mind before I go to sleep. I miss her when she's not around. She knows things about me that I've never told anyone but she still looks at me without judgement, she still stayed around. I've got girls throwing themselves at me but none of them compare to Olivia, I only want Olivia."
I erupted into a girly rant admitting my feelings for the girl that had no idea how I felt and my friends sat and listened in amazement.
"I know it's love, I'm scared of hurting her, I'm scared of her hurting me but I still can't bare to let her go. It's powerful, raw, and terrifying but at the same time it just feels so right."
"I think our boy Liam has got himself a catch." Zak threw in a cheesy pun that wasn't related to the fishing and everyone shoved him.
***
After our camping trip I saw Olivia a couple of times in psychology, I didn't mention the realization of my feelings for her and thankfully neither did my friends. After all, what happens at camping stays at camping. Seeing her again solidified everything for me though and I couldn't help but weirdly stare at her, locking every freckle, dimple and eyelash into my memory just in case she woke up to how damaged I really was and left.
I stood looking in my floor length mirror, the one that usually reflects the horrors of my life only this time I was looking back at a fully dressed body and a nervous face. It was time to meet her parents. I knew how this would go, I would sit at dinner table with them while they judged the fuck out of me and anything that I offered them wouldn't be good enough for their daughter. But the worst part about it would be that their disappointment in me would be true.
I tried to dress smartly, swapping my signature black t.shirts for a black 3/4 length sleeved shirt but that is as far as formal I decided to go, mostly because I don't really own anything else. My heart rate echoed in the thuds of my footsteps as I neared Olivia's house. I hesitated a little too long before ringing the doorbell, knowing I needed this to go right.
Oliva opened the door and smiled at me but it was clear in her face that she looked just as nervous as I was.
"Please don't be rude." She whispers as she led me through to her dining room.
"I'm never rude." I replied sarcastically.
"Mom, dad, this is Liam. Liam this is Jeanette and Bill, my mom and dad." Olivia announced hiding every bit of fear behind a fake smile.
"Nice to meet you." I mimicked her fakeness, gesturing for a handshake to her parents.
Olivia and I sat down in front of a delicious smelling meal and her parents traveled backwards and forwards from the kitchen bringing in more food. I started to feel a little nauseous and uneasy, mentally preparing myself to be thrown a lot of questions that I didn't feel comfortable answering. I had a bitter taste in my mouth already and I knew that this dinner was probably going to result in me losing my shit with her parents and her never speaking to me again.
"I hope they don't ask me questions." I whispered only loud enough for her to hear. In some way I wanted to warn her about what was to come. She offered me comfort by stroking my arm except it didn't offer me comfort, it just brought forward some of my darkness and I ended up flinching away from her touch.
"Don't worry, anything you don't want to answer just compliment her dinner and I'll swoop in and save you." She said with a smile that didn't quite settle my tension.
"what if her dinner tastes like ass?" I smirked a little at my joke but she gave me a serious look that told me not to play around so I straightened my posture and waited for her parents to join us at the table.
There was a suspenseful silence as everyone just chewed their food, the apprehension grew bigger and bigger as I waited to talk myself out of the first question. Mentally preparing my answers. When her dad brought up the topic of soccer my body instantly and noticeably relaxed.
Just keep them talking about soccer Liam.
We talked about the game, my future choices and how they relate to soccer, my colleges what I hope to get out of it all, the scouts. Everything. Until there was nothing left to talk about under the topic of soccer. Her mom then fired an unwelcome question my way.
"And how about your parents, are they supportive of your choices?"
It jabbed me like a knife through the heart. No, Karen they're not. I have a prostitute mother and an invisible dad who is probably still looking for his receipt of purchase. They're not supportive but they're also not unsupportive either because they don't give a single damn about me.
"This dinner is incredible, where did you learn to cook?" I attempted to avoid the question and change the subject and the whole time her mom was talking about her culinary college I was battling the demons in my head.
I managed to push through some of my darkness, made a little easier when her parents started exchanging stories about Olivia growing up. It warmed my heart to know that she had been raised properly. I thought it would be hard listening to all of the good times and happy memories that they shared but above all I was just thankful she didn't live a life like mine.
Her parents cleared away the dishes and went to prepare the desert, I let out a sigh of relief knowing I was through most of the dinner and so far I had successfully managed to avoid any heavy questions. It wasn't as bad as I made it out to be in my head.
"Liam?" Olivia interrupted my thoughts and when I turned to her she looked really nervous.
"Yeah?"
"I met your mom last weekend when you was camping." She blurted out abruptly
Her words took me completely and utterly by surprise and for a moment I wasn't sure I heard her correctly. But when her sentence settled in I couldn't bring myself to look at her so pulled my eyes away and looked down at the table as the shame washed over me. I could feel her eyes attacking me, waiting for a reaction.
My mind went into overdrive, mad at my mom for putting me in this position. For making me so ashamed of her I wanted to coil over and die. Feeling betrayed by Olivia for meeting my mom even though deep down I knew it wasn't her fault. Feeling hurt that she had finally seen how unworthy I was for her.
"Stop." Was all I could muster up to say. I didn't want to hear what she had to say and almost instantly I rebuilt every wall I worked so hard on breaking down.
"I'm sorry. I was outside the cinema and she spoke to me." Her words was like torture to my ears. They opened up wounds that never healed and I found myself suffocating in front of her my walls took a crumble as she hurdled a missile at them and all she could do was stand back and let it happen.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I asked forcing my eyes to reach hers, feeling completely hopeless.
"I'm not doing anything Liam, Please. I'm not judging I'm just saying I seen her on the street where she was ... working."
Olivia, the beacon of light that shines through my darkness. The only one who brings a smile to my face when I'm at my lowest point. Yet here she was, pointing out the facts in my own horror story. Welcoming in the demons and watching as they take over me.
Don't let her win Liam. She's doing it on purpose. She's just like everybody else, uses your weaknesses against you.
I banged my fists down on the table with frustration and stood up, turning towards the door.
"I gotta go, tell your parents I said thanks."