The white sheets were cold and crisp to the touch, but the indent of curves still remained.
Kylo sat up, squinting as he tried to adjust to the warm sunlight leaking through the curtains. After streatching his arms and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he stood up, pushing his hair out of his face and stumbling into the kitchen.
He found her exactly where her expected to see her, doing what she always did.
She was seated at the table, the morning paper spread out in front of her. Across the table sat another mug, untouched but waiting. Waiting for Kylo.
She noticed his presence, looking up from the inked words and smiling warmly. "Good morning."
Her voice sounded disoriented, almost as if her words were from a recording. "I made you some coffee."
He sat down across from her, wrapping his hand around the mug. He looked down to see caramel colored liquid.
"I added creamer," she said. "I can't stand to watch you drink it plain."
He didn't mind. He wouldn't admit it, but he liked the creamer she always added. Just a hint of vanilla, a more pleasant experience than his usual bitter tasting black coffee.
He took a long sip, the liquid warming his throat as he swallowed. He watched as she stood up and walked around the table towards him.
Without a moments hesitation, he turned in his chair, allowing her to sit on his lap and drape her legs across his thighs.
He wrapped his arms around her waist. "How did you sleep?"
His voice sounded different too, almost as if he were hearing it from a distance.
She smiled and pushed a piece of hair out of Kylo's face. "Good."
She leaned in and Kylo followed suit, eagerly pressing his lips against hers. He could taste the vanilla of her latte in her kiss, sweet and familiar.
She pulled away, placing her delicate hand on his jaw. "I love you."
She quickly placed another kiss to his lips, smiling against him. When she pulled away again, Kylo slid his hand up to cup her face, gently stroking her cheek.
"And I love-"
——
Kylo's eyes flew open.
He immediately focused on the other side of the bed, finding it empty. He licked his lips, finding that they felt tingly. Like he had just been kissed by the morning air.
He'd had a few dreams like that before, but they'd never felt so real. Maybe it was because of what happened the night before.
Never in a million years would he have expected to see her there. He had no reason to. But even if he had known she would be attending, the sight of her would've taken his breath away regardless.
She looked so beautiful last night. She was always beautiful, but it was even more breathtaking after not seeing her for so long.
He didn't even know how long it had been. Three months? Maybe four? He'd lost track of the time. All he knew was that it was too long, and he'd been far more miserable than he'd expected.
He was having to familiarize himself with crawling into bed alone again. Waking up alone too, walking into the cold kitchen and only pouring one cup of coffee instead of two.
Kylo stumbled into the kitchen, just like he had in his dream. But this time, she wasn't seated at his table waiting for him.
The only thing waiting for Kylo was silence.
At least the mechanical hum of the machine would puncture the quiet morning air. Kylo grabbed a mug from his cabinet, making sure to not select the mug she used to use.
He couldn't escape her. She'd left her mark in his home. The funny thing was, he wasn't making an effort to even attempt to escape her. He left her favorite mug of his in the same place. The bottle of vanilla syrup she used for her coffee also untouched. Even the bottle of lotion she'd left here, completely undisturbed.
Nothing was stopping him from throwing all of those things in a box and getting rid of it. Even just dropping it off at her office. But he didn't. He couldn't. Because removing all these traces of her would mean that she would never be back here to use it.
The coffee maker soon began filling Kylo's mug, the aroma of fresh coffee flooding the kitchen. He wasn't sure why, but he reached for the bottle of vanilla flavoring and unscrewed the cap.
He'd intended to pour himself a bitter cup of black coffee like he always did, swallowing it solely for the caffeine it provided rather than for his own enjoyment. But he could use some form of an improvement to his daily routine.
Realizing he didn't have his watch on, he turned to the wall clock to check the time. It was still relatively early, giving him a couple of hours until he went to see her. A couple of hours to either back out or muster up some courage.
He picked up the mug that was now full and walked towards the couch in attempt to retain some normalcy. Nothing else about today would be routine, but at least sitting down and drinking his coffee would be something normal.
Not entirely, though. As he sat there, he thought about the night before, the feeling of her lips on his, her warm, bare skin underneath his fingertips. The way she looked in that dress, wearing the same pair of red heels he'd seen her in before. The same pair she'd been wearing the night she was only wearing heels.
Maybe it was the businessman in Kylo, but he really thought she should start paying rent for how much she occupied his thoughts.
But maybe Kylo was partially responsible. She kept walking into his mind and taking residence in his thoughts, but Kylo was the one holding the door open for her.
——
If someone had asked him last year or even six months ago if he would ever consider doing this, he would've laughed.
But here he was, standing in front of a door he hadn't walked through in years.
He knocked quick and abruptly before his logic could regain control of his body. Two deep inhales later, the door was swinging open and his mother was standing in front of him.
"Ben."
She spoke with tangible disbelief. She clearly hadn't expected him to actually come. Reasonable, since Kylo had gone back and forth on his decision for hours.
"Mother."
The word rolled off of his tongue and left behind an unfamiliar taste in his mouth. It sounded foreign and yet familiar all at once, like clutching an old childhood blanket years into adulthood.
Leia gave him a warm smile and opened the door further, gesturing for him to come in. He did, holding his breath as he crossed over the threshold.
He hadn't been in this house since he'd last seen his mother. It'd be coming up on five years pretty soon. Five whole years.
He followed her towards the living room and found it to look exactly how he'd remembered it. Instinctively, he shucked off his shoes before he stepped into the carpeted room, simply out of habit. His mother had always chided him for walking on the carpet with dirty shoes. His father had often made that mistake too, resulting in several scolds from Leia.
"I just put some hot water on so I'll have some tea ready soon," she said. "Is earl grey alright?"
Kylo nodded. She gave him a warm smile before heading towards the kitchen, leaving Kylo alone in the room.
He took a seat on the brown leather couch. Still the same couch that had been here since they first bought this house more than a decade ago, when Kylo was only a teenager.
The wall of pictures opposite of him caught his eye. All of the pictures that had always been there were still hanging. Pictures of Ben through every stage of life, from a newborn to a teenager that towered over both of his parents. Pictures of Ben and his...
...his father.
There were multiple pictures of Ben and Han together, but one in particular caught his eye. Ben was sitting next to Han in the cockpit of a plane, grinning from ear to ear. He remembered that day vividly, much to his own torment. It was the first time his father had flown with Ben as his copilot.
Kylo looked away, squeezing his eyes shut and willing the images of his memory to fade. It was practically taunting him.
He heard his mother's footsteps approaching and opened his eyes to see her walking back into the room, two steaming mugs in hand.
"Here." She gently thrust the mug into his hands before taking a seat in the armchair next to the couch. "I put a splash of creamer in."
He gave her a weak smile. "Thank you."
She took a seat in the armchair right next to the couch. That chair had been in every house Kylo had lived in, a dark green permanent residence in three different homes.
"I saw the article about the First Order in Maz's paper," she said.
Kylo didn't know what startled him more. The fact that his mother appeared to be treating this like any casual conversation, an uncomplicated gathering, or the fact that she was dangerously close to the topic of a certain reporter.
All Kylo did was hum in response and took a sip of the tea despite the copious amounts of steam still rising.
"And the article about Finalizer Industries, as well," she added. "I was glad to see that someone finally exposed them."
The truth was inevitable, but he still tried to keep up the facade of ignorance for a bit longer. "Yeah, I read it too."
"You gave her the tip, didn't you?"
Her.
Kylo's eyes snapped up to find his mother's. He'd expected his reporter to come up in the conversation, but he hadn't expected his mother to be so outright.
Unwelcome images of her flashed across his mind and he quickly shoved them aside. "Yes, I did."
Leia gave him a knowing smile, and Kylo knew this was headed exactly where he didn't want it to go. "Seems like an awfully important piece of information to give to a random reporter," she said. "Unless, of course, she isn't just a random reporter."
"Journalist," he corrected, for some reason. "But yes, I guess she's more than... random."
"I'd say this journalist is quite special then, considering all the information she got out of you," she said with a wide smile.
"I guess you could say that," he muttered under his breath.
"And how is she?"
Kylo swallowed thickly, lowering his eyes. "She's...fine."
"Then why didn't you bring her with?"
He felt like he was being interviewed. And he much rather preferred to be interviewed by a certain journalist than by a woman that seemed to already know all the answers.
"I couldn't tell you," he admitted. His chest tightened, a strange and unwelcome feeling settling inside of him.
"Ah." Leia took a sip of her tea, peering at Kylo over her mug. "You're no longer together."
Of course she knew.
Kylo studied his mother intently, as if he could figure out how his mother always seemed to know everything. Growing up, it was a bother, seeing as she always knew when he got in trouble. But now, it was just fascinating.
"Oh don't ask so surprised," she laughed. "I may be old but I'm still your mom. I can still put the pieces together."
"I don't doubt that."
"I met with her, you know,"she said. "She interviewed me before the article on your company was published."
Kylo had to hide a smile. "Really?"
"Mhm." She smiled at Kylo from behind her mug. "She was nice to talk to," she said. "Sweet girl."
Sweet when she wants to be. He'd seen the other sides of her too. The sarcastic, witty, smart-mouthed woman she was. But he wouldn't change it for anything. That was what made her who she is.
"She is," he agreed.
"Care to tell me what happened?"
No, no he did not. And he really didn't, so he had no clue why he started to answer her.
"It ended a few months ago," he confessed. "Wasn't pretty."
Leia leaned forward in her chair. "Why did you end it?"
Kylo chuckled, a humorless and heartless sound. Like the clank of an empty tin can. "Interesting of you to assume I ended things."
Leia's eyes widened. "Oh."
Well, at least she didn't know everything. He could still surprise her.
What a shitty victory.
His mother was scanning Kylo's expression, dark brown eyes trained on him. He could tell she wanted to ask more but was hesitating. Normally, Kylo wouldn't even dare to elaborate, to divulge such personal details. But he'd already shared far more than he'd intended. What was the point in stopping now?
"She...ended things," he said. "Not me."
She shot him a sympathetic look. The silence remained in tact, clearly an indication that she anticipated more of an explanation.
Kylo took a deep breath. "She told me she loved me."
His mother looked completely confused. "So you're telling me she confessed that she loved you and then broke it off?"
His mind was clearly out of sorts today. Nearly five years without so much as a word and here he was, divulging his love life to a woman he had practically turned into a stranger.
Kylo took another deep breath. "She told me she loved me and I, I... I didn't say it back."
She raised at eyebrow at him. "Well that makes a bit more sense," she replied. "Though I don't see why you didn't admit it too."
Kylo was taken aback. "What?"
"Definitely could've fooled me," she said. "From what I know, I would've had no doubt in my mind that you love her."
Kylo hung his head and stayed silent for several moments before answering. "Feeling love and admitting it are two completely different things."
"Well, one usually leads to the other," she said.
Kylo shook his head. "It's not that simple."
"That's because you're making it more complicated," she said.
He couldn't even give her a nasty look. Curse him for always having a soft spot for his mother.
He didn't reply to her statment. There was no point, considering that both of them knew she was right. But just because he knew he always made things more complicated didn't mean he was in any place to change that.
"Want to know how I knew you were seeing her?"
Kylo looked up. "Besides just your motherly sixth sense?"
Leia nodded and laughed. A warm sound that he hadn't heard in so long. "She knows that you donate to the Resistance," she answered. "And yet, that information wasn't anywhere in the article."
He had never confirmed that she knew, but it didn't surprise him. After all, she'd seen that file. Didn't take much to put it together.
"She seems to know a lot about you," she continued. "Did you tell her about your fath-
Kylo's hold body tensed, his breath hitching and his heart pounding against his ribcage. "No."
Leia moved to speak again, but Kylo cut her off. "Don't bring him up," he said. "Don't bring him into this."
Leia looked at him, a gentle yet still firm look on her eye."You can't run from this forever," she said. "And I won't let you because you shouldn't feel the slightest shred of guilt."
"It's not that simple," he hissed.
He could feel his breathing growing labored, his skin growing hotter. Talking about his reporter was one thing, but this was another.
"It is that simple," she insisted. "It is ridiculous to blame yourself. The only blame you have was put there by yourself."
His eyes bore into his mother's. He just wanted her to scream and yell at him, admit that it was his fault. That it was all his fault, and that Kylo had saved his mother a lot of hurt by cutting himself off. That he had saved her pain by removing himself from his family.
"That's bullshit," he spat. "I know you blame me, and so did-
"Enough," she interrupted. "I will not have you insist that I or anyone else blamed you when I'm sitting right here and telling you that isn't true."
Her voice was firm with determination. It was clear to Kylo that she was telling the full truth. She meant it. She really didn't blame him. And for some reason, that just made it worse.
His voice was strained, on the tipping point of revealing all of the emotion he'd pent up. "How? How can you not blame me?"
"Because it's-
The grip on his restraint snapped. "You should blame me! It should've been me!"
"Ben!"
She looked horrified and heartbroken all at once. "I never have and will never blame you." Her voice was on the verge of breaking. "And it certainly shouldn't have been you. It was his time, not yours."
She leaned forward in her chair and cautiously reached for his hand, relaxing when he didn't pull away. "I'm going to be brutally honest," she said. "I can manage the grief of losing your father. I had so much time with him, years to love him. We built a home, an entire organization, and a beautiful little family."
Her eyes were beginning to shine with tears as she took a steadying breath. "But what I can't manage is not having my son," she admitted. "I miss your father terribly, but it hurts far more to miss someone that is still alive but not around."
Kylo felt a pang of guilt in his chest. Despite years of growing resentment towards his parents, convincing himself that they deserved to feel the pain and loneliness he felt, he would never wish this kind of hurt on anyone. His mother was the last person that deserved this suffering.
Kylo had barely realized that a tear had slipped down his cheek before his mother's thumb was wiping it away. She kept her palm pressed against Kylo's cheek, warm and familiar.
He slowly reached his hand up and placed it over hers. Kylo nearly choked on his words, but he managed to say them. "I'm sorry."
Leia smiled sadly, a tear slipping down her face too. "I'm sorry too. For everything."
She let her hand fall from his face and carefully stood up, moving to sit next to him on the couch. She reached for his hand again, placing her hand on top of his.
"I know you think you're too grown up to learn anything from your mom, but just listen to me," she said. "There is absolutely nothing you can do about the past. Feeling guilty and dwelling on it won't do anything to change what happened, but it will do everything to ruin what comes next."
His mother paused to collect herself, wiping away a fear stray tears. "Your father is gone, that's a fact," she said. "But you trying to push me away will not bring him back."
"I know," Kylo whispered.
"The past is out of your control," she said. "But the future is completely up to you. Both of us lost someone we loved. You lost a father, but you don't need to lose a mother."
She stroked the back of Kylo's hand with her thumb. Something she'd done since he was a boy. "And you haven't lost your mother," she continued. "I'm here, the same place I've always been."
He didn't understand how she could stand to look at him. How she could still welcome him with open arms after he did nothing but push her away.
That's the thing about parents. They're always ready to help you when you need it, forgive you when you ask, and love you even when you think you don't deserve it.
Her voice echoed in his mind, her words replaying. He hadn't believed her at the time. But he was starting to.
"I know, Mom." His voice was barely above a whisper, but he meant what he said. "I know."