INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
Overhead lights buzzed.
Vanya sighed softly as a clock steadily ticked.
INT. HALLWAY
A lock buzzed.
Indistinct chatter sounded and an office phone rang.
A typewriter clacked.
A door lock buzzed.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
Vanya looked up as the man closed the blinds and said, "I'm Special Agent Willy Gibbs of the Federal Bureau of Investigation."
"Where's Sissy?" Vanya asked. "I need to talk to her."
A recorder whirred softly. "Mrs. Cooper and the boy have been released back into the custody of Mr. Cooper. What's your last name, Vanya?"
"Hargreeves."
"Do you have any ID that could attest to that? No driver's license, birth certificate? You from around here?"
"No. I'm... I, uh... I'm... I'm not sure."
"You're not sure."
"Well, I was told by the other officer I was hit by a car. I have amnesia."
"Right. Yes, amnesia. They told me about that. So how does that work, exactly?"
"I can't remember anything from before a month ago."
"Except your name, of course."
"Yeah, except my name."
"Far as I can tell, it's like you simply... materialized out of thin air."
"Welcome to my world."
""Vanya." That's a Russian name, isn't it?"
"I'm not Russian."
"If you have amnesia, how can you say for sure? In fact, I'm curious as to how you know your first and last name but you don't remember anything else."
"I don't know."
"How did you send those troopers flying?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know."
Gibbs asked in Russian, "What are you doing here in Dallas?"
Vanya answered in Russian. "I don't know!"
"Hmm." He spoke in English as he sat. "You speak Russian."
"I... I don't... I..."
"Wonderful."
"I must've just leaned a little as a kid."
"A little? I think you speak it very well. What I want to know is, how does a young woman who says she isn't Russian, but speaks Russian, end up working as a nanny for a simple-headed boy in the middle of nowhere, Texas?"
"I need to make a phone call. I have the right to make a call, don't I?"
"If there is one thing the FBI takes seriously, it is a Communist threat to this country. Now, I want answers, real answers, and I will do whatever it takes to get them. You're not going anywhere until I find out who you really are."
A high-pitched tone sounded and Gibbs grunted softly before gasping.
Vanya cried out and Gibbs grunted loudly.
She groaned as a cloth was pressed to her mouth and Gibbs strained as he grunted and panted.
Gibbs groaned and cleared his throat as Vanya passed out.
Gibbs turned off the machine.
EXT. ALLEY
"Now what?" Luther asked.
"Now nothing, Luther, all right?" Five said. "Make your peace with God."
"What? What about Allison and Vanya?"
"Screw them both. They should have been here."
Five rolled his eyes.
Klaus groaned, sitting up. "What about Diego? He's quite the responsible young man, no? Elisa's quite the responsible young woman, yes?"
Five grunted and sighed.
"Something must've happened to them," Luther said.
"Screw Diego, all right?" Five said. "Screw everybody! I was better off on my own in the apocalypse."
Tobias narrowed his eyes. "Screw my wife? I don't like those choice of words, Five."
"Five!" Luther called. "Come on."
Five turned. "You know what, Luther? It's every sibling for himself now. Or herself. How 'bout that?" The door opened and slammed shut as Five walked inside.
Klaus sighed and whimpered, "Did Five just get meaner?"
Luther looked at his brother who was still sitting on the ground. "Klaus, go check on Allison, okay? Make sure she's okay. Find the others and we'll meet back here. Tobias and I'll handle Five." He jogged inside; and Tobias followed.
Klaus stood, letting out a grunt and a sigh as he looked at Ben. "And you, you have had your possession privileges revoked."
"I regret nothing," Ben said.
Klaus sighed. "Just stay out of me." He started walking away.
"I regret nothing!"
"Back off!"
INT. BUILDING
Luther and Tobias followed Five up the stairs as Luther said, "Hey! Five, doomsday is still coming. We gotta think of a new plan."
"Don't you get it, Luther?" Five replied. "It's over, all right? We're already dead."
"Then where are you going?"
"I'm going to do the unthinkable."
"The hell is that supposed to mean?"
Five sighed. "I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this." He entered a room.
"Come to what, Five?" Luther and Tobias asked.
Luther locked a door as he called, "Five!" He banged on the door. "Come to what? Five!"
INT. CHESTNUT HOME
"Oh, sweet Jesus," Ray said, "what the hell are we gonna do?"
"It's okay, it's okay," Allison reassured. "Calm down, Ray."
"Calm down? Allison, you killed a vacuum cleaner salesman in our goddamn living room."
"Okay, technically his brother killed him. And they were not here to sell vacuums."
"There is a giant dead white boy on our couch."
"Yeah, you know, I'll admit, that doesn't look good."
"Oh, we're done. The movement is finished, Allison. They're gonna give me the chair for this."
"They're not gonna give you the..."
There were two knocks at the door.
Ray's voice trembled. "Okay. Okay." He unlocked the door.
"Hey, Ray-Ray," Klaus greeted. "I'm so sorry it's late, but, uh..."
"Klaus, now is not a good time."
"Oh, we're sorry," Klaus apologized as Allison, who heard her sibling, poked her head from the room. "Allison! Hey!" The siblings pushed past Ray and entered. "I was so worried about you. Thank God you're okay." He hugged Allison. "What's, uh... What's the matter? You guys been wrastling in here or something?" He pulled away.
Allison sighed, pointing to the dead Swede.
Klaus noticed the scene. "Oh. Oh, I see." Klaus leaned forward slightly. "It's gonna be one of those kinda nights, huh? So are we burnin' or buryin'?" He began rolling up his sleeves.
INT. HOUSE
A cat meowed.
The Swede, who was looking at pictures, heard Allison say, "I heard a rumor... you killed your brother."
His mind flashed back to choking his brother to death. He looked at his shaking hand and picked up an axe. He was about to cut it off when a cat yowled and metal clanked.
He noticed a canister and scratched it with the axe.
He smelled it and whispered, "Lavender."
The Swede threw the canister with a shout, causing a cat to yowl and dart away.
INT. COMMISSION OFFICE
"Are you kidding me?" the Handler asked.
"You said I could hire my own team," Lila reminded her mother.
"Yes, but I didn't mean him, for God's sake. Or her. If you don't see the problem with hiring you-know-who's brother and sister, then you're not ready for that badge."
"Look, I'm sorry, but my sister and I really need to get going," Diego said.
"Shut up!" Lila and the Handler ordered.
"I can't do this job if you don't trust my instincts," Lila told her mother.
"Sweetheart, your vagina needs classes," the Handler replied. "He is not worth it."
"Mum! Oh, my God. This may shock you, but not everyone here likes you."
"Sounds ridiculous, but go on."
"You need fresh blood loyal to us and not the old regime. I've seen Diego in the field. He is so much better trained than most of the assholes here. Why waste that when we can use it. He'll be my personal responsibility."
The Handler leaned forward, opened her cigar box and looked at Diego and Elisa. "You know, your brother Five and I... we have quite... a colorful history." The lighter flicked and lit.
"Our brother has beef with everybody, me included. Definitely not with Elisa."
"Let me ask you two something. When you're looking down the barrel of a gun, where do your loyalties lie, with your family or your principles?"
"With me. I don't belong to anybody. Especially Lila."
Elisa pursed her lips. "All right, lone wolf. Seriously, let us go."
"That I can work with. Run them through orientation, fill out his paperwork. But... if they ruffle even one feather, you will kill them yourself. Understood?" the Handler said.
"Thanks, Mum," Lila replied as the Handler shrugged.
INT. UMBRELLA COMPOUND
Crickets chirred and a door opened.
Grace entered and walked to a desk, searching through files. She exhaled softly.
She opened a door and saw plans and photos. She opened a file and looked through pictures. She gasped softly and exhaled sharply as she looked at a map.
"Oh, my God," Grace said.
"What are you doing in here?" Reginald asked.
Grace chuckled nervously. "Not sure what I could say that would... overwrite the obvious."
"Fair enough. New question, then. Why are you doing it?"
"Are you involved in somethin' nefarious?"
"Quite often." He walked closer to her. "Did you have something more specific in mind?"
"That... That shaggy man at the consulate, the one who chased after us with the little boy and the blonde girl."
"Calls himself Diego. The girl calls herself Elisa."
"Yes, those are the ones. He, Diego... He thinks that you want to harm the president."
"I see. You take the word of lunatics these days?"
"Not over yours, but these... these photographs, they're all about the president's visit tomorrow, aren't they?"
"You know there are aspects of my work I cannot discuss. You've always respected that line."
"I don't need to know the details, Reggie. I just need to know that you're not involved in what I'm afraid you might be."
"What are you really afraid of, my dear?"
"There's so much about you I don't understand."
"I could say the same about you."
Grace stepped a little closer. "I want to share my life with you, Reggie, but I need to know you're a good man. I need to know you would never hurt the president."
He took Grace's hand. "As I said, there are elements in my life that I can't discuss with you. Someday... I hope to share it all with you. Until then... I'm asking you to trust me."
Grace shook her head and sobbed softly. "I can't wait that long. I'm sorry." She pulled her hand away and left the room.
INT. ELLIOTT'S OFFICE
A refrigerator door opened and a soft rattle sounded.
Luther, who was sleeping on the couch, woke and grunted softly before saying, "Five?" He spluttered and groaned before muttering, "Shit."
Luther got up. "Five?" He entered the kitchen to see Five drinking something. "Five, what... You okay?"
Five slurped and gasped heavily before closing the container. "I'm gonna need to be hydrated." He sighed.
"Hydrated?" Luther repeated.
"What's with the baby powder?" Luther questioned.
Tobias frowned. "That doesn't seem like the smartest idea to me, but what do I know."
"It'll help with the itching," Five informed.
Luther frowned. "What itching? There's itching? What the hell is going on here?" Realization dawned on him. "You do have a plan."
Five exhaled sharply. "Well, it's a desperation move, but... since our brain-dead siblings are incapable of meeting a simple deadline, I got no choice."
"No choice about what?" Luther wondered as Five grabbed his jacket.
"I have to find myself." He flicked his watch open and shut. "I just arrived in Dallas 15 minutes ago."
"Should I be worried about you?"
Five looked at them. "Luther, if you recall, I was sent to 1963 on a job by the Commission to make sure the president was assassinated." He got ready.
Tobias shook his head. "I don't even want to try to understand."
"Oh! So, wait, your old self is out there," Luther said.
"Precisely." Five exhaled.
"What, just walking around Dallas?"
"Walking around Dallas with a briefcase that can get us home."
"Oh, my God. Five, you're a genius."
"However, there are two significant problems with this plan. Problem number one: I am a trained assassin, arguably the most dangerous assassin in the space-time continuum. If I know me, I'm not going to react kindly into bumping into myself. Problem number two, and this is the real fly in the ointment here: you're not supposed to exist in close proximity to yourself in the same timeline. The side effects can be disastrous."
"Side effects? What sort of side effects?"
"Well, according to Commission Handbook Chapter 27, subsection 3b, the seven stages in paradox psychosis are... stage one: denial, two: itching, three: extreme thirst and urination, four: excessive gas, five: acute paranoia, six: uncontrolled perspiration, and seven: homicidal rage."
"Homicidal rage?" Luther and Tobias repeated.
"Yeah."
"Jeez, I don't know," Luther said. "This maybe isn't such a good idea."
"It's a Hail Mary," Five told them. "But what choice do we got, Luther?"
"I don't know, you already seem a bit squirrelly to me if I'm being honest," Luther answered.
Five ran towards the two men. "Look, Luther, Tobias, I'm gonna need you two to help me get through this one, all right? I... I need a spotter."
"A spotter?" Luther and Tobias repeated.
"Yeah," Five confirmed.
"What is that? Like, a wingman?" Luther wondered.
"In case the paradox psychosis gets too severe, I need you two to help me stay on task, all right? So, whatever happens, whatever I say, we need to get that briefcase. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Okay." Five started walking off and said, "Luther, Tobias, come on."
"Right."
The three walked down the stairs.
INT. FARMHOUSE
"So, they're questioning her now?" Carl asked. "Well, I appreciate it. Yup." Sissy entered the room. "Take care now." He placed the phone on the cradle. "That was my brother."
"Well, I hope you thanked him for almost arresting me," Sissy retorted as she sat.
"He says I was right."
"Right about what?"
Carl chuckled softly. "The FBI thinks Vanya may be some kind of KGB agent." He sat next to her.
"That's impossible." She scoffed.
"We were both duped, Sis. There's no shame in it." He rubbed her back. "Whatever she is, she's not who she was pretending to be. It's not your fault. She, led you astray. That's what these commie bastards are trained to do. They prey on our weaknesses. Tried us against each other. Can't let 'em win."
"What would a Russian agent be doing out here on a farm?"
"Well, who knows? Maybe she was just looking for a place to hide out. We don't know the big picture. Now look here, I think you should have a talk with Reverend Moore."
"Carl..."
"We need to work through this, damn it. then we're gonna take a trip. Somewhere far away from here. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Harlan needs a family, not a nanny." Harlan, who was coloring, glanced back.
INT. ROOM
"Vanya, wake up," Gibbs said as Vanya stirred. "Open your eyes. I just have a few questions for you. It's all gonna be over soon."
Vanya grunted and let out struggled gasps, splashing the water beneath her feet. "What are you doing to me?"
"Move again and you'll regret it."
Vanya's feet splashed and she jerked her handcuffs. Electricity surged and she let out shuddered grunts as the machine powered down.
"See? And that was the lowest voltage," Gibbs told her. "Only goes up from there."
Vanya panted as something came closer to her eye. "What is that?"
"Now, just relax."
"What is that?"
A droplet was placed in her eye. "Don't struggle. Go with it, or this can turn into an extremely unpleasant experience for you."
Vanya inhaled deeply, exhaled slowly and inhaled deeply, hallucinating.
Gibbs' voice echoed. "Now, let's start with a simple question. Who are you?" Gibbs asked in Russian, "Who are you?"
Reginald, in Russian, said, "Number Seven. Number Seven."
Reginald spoke in English. "Number Seven. You're late for supper." Vanya came upon the Umbrella Academy, in uniform, sitting at the table. "Sit down."
Gibbs' voice echoed. "Come on, Vanya, who are you really? Where did you come from?"
INT. PUB
Luther opened the door and the group entered.
A lively Irish jig played and patrons clattered.
"Well, there I am," Five said.
"Why don't we just grab the briefcase and run?" Luther asked.
"Luther, I would never let that happen. We're trained to guard these briefcases with our lives."
"Right."
"Plus, it's the inherent paradox where this gets tricky. I'm endangering my existence just being in the room with myself."
"Huh... What do you mean?"
"Luther, try to keep up. If old me doesn't travel back to 2019 like he's supposed to, the whole thing unravels itself. I cease to exist. You got me?"
"I get you."
"So our best chance is to talk with him, to reason with him."
"Ah."
"He'll understand. Trust me. I know myself better than, uh... better than I know myself." Five scratched his neck.
"You just itched your neck. That's stage two of paradox psychosis."
"No, I didn't. I didn't itch my neck."
"Denial is stage one."
"I am fine, okay? Let's stay on task, shall we?"
Five started walking towards himself and Luther grabbed his arm. "Wait!"
"What?"
"Maybe I should go first."
"Why?"
"Well, you'll freak him out. Bumping into your own tiny doppelgänger? He will lose his shit. Just let me and her break the ice."
Five considered his brother's words. "Okay."
"Okay."
Five breathed deeply and Luther exhaled slowly.
Luther walked up to the older man. "Five."
The older man looked up. "What'd you call me, big man?"
"It's me," Luther said. "Number One?"
"Luther. How did you...?"
"It's okay. Everything is fine. I can explain. But first, I need to introduce you to somebody. Just... promise me you won't freak out."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Uh! Don't freak out. No freak-outs. All right." He stepped back and Five appeared from around the corner.
"Hey there, stranger," Five greeted.
INT. COMMISSION HALLS
"It's a really big place," Lila said. "Do not get lost."
"Or what? You'll kill us?" Diego shot back as they walked down a set of stairs.
"Oh, you still mad about that, you big baby?"
"No, I love being drugged and kidnapped and threatened with murder."
Elisa glared at Lila. "Hurt me or worse and you'll have hell coming your way. Trust me."
"Okay, well, let's just make sure you're the best agent possible, and no one has to worry about who kills who, okay?" Lila told them.
They paused at the bottom. "Wait, Lila, we need to get outta here," Diego said.
"Relax."
"No, we do not have time for this right now."
"We have all the time in the world."
A gentle chime sounded and a woman spoke over the PA. "The timeline is your lifeline."
"What is it you people do here, exactly?" Diego asked, following Lila down another hall.
"Oh, that's the best part," Lila replied. "We protect the timeline. You know all that lone wolf superhero shit? Tiny taters compared to what you could do here." She was about to enter a room.
Diego grabbed her arm, stopping her. "Hold up, tiny taters, so the Commission controls time? Wait, like, everything in time?"
Lila nodded. "Or like we maintain the correct timeline, but, basically, yeah."
"How the shit do you do that?"
"Well, come on, I'll show you two." They entered the room. "Dropping off a couple new recruits."
"Welcome to orientation," the instructor said. "Take this." The instructor handed Lila a package.
"Wait a second..." Diego and Elisa began.
"Okay," Lila said, moving to sit at a desk and Diego and Elisa followed.
"Open your welcome package and grab a seat," the instructor told him. "All questions will be answered at the end of the film."
"How long is this?" Diego asked Lila.
"Sit your asses down."
Diego and Elisa sat at two desks as a gentle chime sounded and a woman over the PA said, "A better tomorrow comes from an orderly today."
Lila leaned over Diego's desk. "Uh... I really need this to work, so... don't screw it up. Okay, bye." She kissed him and left the room.
The film reel whirred and upbeat music played.
A voice spoke. "Oh, hi there. I'm Mr. Briefcase. If you're watching this presentation, that means you've made the best decision of the rest of your life. You've decided to join the Commission." Diego snorted and Elisa rolled her eyes. "Over the next 90 minutes, I'm gonna do my best to show you around this old place. You and I are gonna have some fun together. Here at the Commission, you'll find a wide array of exciting career opportunities just waiting to be discovered. Which department will be right for you? Analyst: keeping us informed. Operations: keeping us safe. Hiyah! Infinite Switchboard operator: the key to everything we do here. In these rooms, we monitor the entire timeline and report any anomalies we see along the way, keeping the correct timeline at all times." The instructor snored softly. "Whatever your skill, education, or comfort level with moral ambiguity, the Commission has an exciting career path in store for you. Let's start with the tube room..." Diego and Elisa snuck out of the room.
INT. PUB
The lively Irish jig played and people chattered indistinctly.
Luther, Five, Old Five and Tobias were at a bar.
Luther sighed. "Well... This is nice, isn't it? The three of us, together like this, plus a new guy."
"No," both Fives said.
"Somebody explain to me how it is I'm having a pint of Guinness with my younger self," Old Five said.
"Older, actually," Five corrected. "I'm you, just 14 days older."
"I have pubic hair smarter than you. How is that possible?"
"I can explain. You see, one hour from now, on the grassy knoll, before the president is killed, you break your contract with the Commission. I already know you're thinking about it. All those years in the apocalypse, we never stopped worrying about our family. The man here is your sister's husband. Well, today, you are going to do something about it. Today, you are going to attempt to time travel forward to 2019. However, you are going to screw up the jump and end up in this twip of a body, trapped forever, small, pubescent."
"Okay." He farted. "Even if I was to believe you, what am I supposed to do about it, not jump?"
"No, no. I need you to jump. If you don't jump, I cease to exist. What I need from you is to jump correctly."
"I'm listening."
"The first time through, I got the calculation wrong. That's how I ended up in this body. But now, I know the correct calculation."
"What is it?"
"I'll be glad to tell you... in exchange for that briefcase you're holding under the table."
Luther piped in his two cents. "Yeah, yeah, so you go back to 2019, as planned, but this time with the right math, so you remain a full-grown man. In exchange, we get that briefcase that you no longer need. Timeline restored, paradox resolved."
"Everyone goes on existing happily ever after."
"That's quite a bit to take in," Old Five commented.
"What do you think?" Five asked.
"I think... I need to piss." He got up and took the briefcase with him.
"Oh," Luther said pressing a cloth to Five's face. "Well, besides the flop sweat, I think that went pretty well, am I right?"
Five pushed Luther's hand away. "No, no, there's something... Something doesn't feel right about this," Five replied.
"What... What do you mean?"
"I don't trust him."
"But he's you."
"Exactly."
Tobias sighed. "Well, this can't get any weirder."
INT. COMMISSION
Typewriters clacked nearby and an office phone rang as Diego and Elisa walked the halls.
A gentle chime sounded over the speakers and a woman spoke. "A tidy workspace is a happy workspace."
Diego opened a door and entered a room after Elisa. "Bingo, the Infinite Switchboard. All right." He sat and popped his knuckles. "How hard can this be?" He inserted some wires and it whirred. The console beeped.
Diego shouted and grunted as sparks shot out. Elisa let out a squeal and slunk back.
A hand was placed on Diego's shoulder, and he turned, pushing Elisa behind him and held a knife to the man.
"Oh!" Herb cried. "Please don't hurt me." He panted.
"Who the hell are you?" Diego demanded.
"I'm Herb. I'm an analyst."
"I'm Diego. I have a knife. This is Elisa. Hurt her, I hurt you."
Herb's breath trembled. "Yes, I can see." He gulped loudly. "It's very shiny." Diego removed the knife. "Oh." Herb inhaled sharply.
"Breathe."
Herb panted softly and smiled. "It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Hargreeves. Miss Hargreeves."
"You know us?"
"It's actually Mrs. Stanton," Elisa corrected.
"Everybody knows you two. I mean, you're Number Two and Number Eight. You're legends. Apologies, Mrs. Stanton."
"Really?" Diego asked.
"Mr. Hargreeves, Mrs. Stanton, you two can't be in here."
"Herb, is that any way to talk to legends?" Herb shook his head. "You know how to work this puppy?"
"I'm certified to operate the ISB, yes."
"Good. I need you to look up a date: November 22, 1963, the assassination of John F. Kennedy."
"Unauthorized use of the Infinite Switchboard is a clear violation of company protocol 67D..."
"Don't be such a tight-ass."
"You don't understand. There's been a coup d'état."
"What's that? Cadillac?"
"No." he huffed softly. "The Handler has taken over the Commission. This whole place has gone to heck in a handbasket, and people are disappearing. They would kill us both if they caught us in here."
"Well, you better get started before they come get us."
"One quick look, and then you gotta go."
"My man." He scooted back.
"Okay..." Herb walked closer to the switchboard and started pulling out woes. "Oh, no. Why would you... No, no. Bad." The switchboard powered down. "Don't hurt the timeline." He inserted various wires. "That's a rule... that I intend to follow." The switchboard powered up and machines whirred. "This one connects to that one..." Herb muttered indistinctly. "Okay." He turned a couple knobs. "Here we go. Dallas. November 22, 1963."
"This is it," Diego said, standing next to Herb. They watched JFK and Jackie Kennedy exit the plane and get into a car. "This is right before the assassination."
"Assassination?"
"Pay attention. The president is about to turn into Dealey Plaza. One more turn into Elm and they're gonna start shooting." A blue light shone from a building and it exploded. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell is that?"
"That's the FBI building."
"Yeah, but why the hell did it just blow up?" Elisa wondered, frowning.
"That's not supposed to happen?"
"No, that's not sup... He's driving away," Diego said. "They didn't kill him? Holy shit."
"Oh... Oy, that's no bueno."
"It wasn't a gunshot, it was an explosion we heard on the Frankel footage."
A reporter spoke. "... the attack on Dealey Plaza, as the Soviets deny all responsibility."
A second reporter said, "Moscow promises a fierce response in retaliation to American attacks."
A third reporter spoke. "Anchorage, Alaska, has just been decimated by the Red Menace!"
A fourth reporter. "The world braces as we find ourselves on the brink of nuclear war." An alarm wailed. "All citizens take cov..." a flat tone sounded over the broadcast.
"That's what Hazel was trying to tell us," Diego realized.
"Hazel?" Herb asked.
"I mean, this is what causes doomsday. Do you have another angle on the FBI building?"
Herb turned a dial. "Watch this." He fiddled with a knob and a couple levers. "And..." Vanya, with a blue glow to her chest, was levitating.
People screamed, wreckage crashed, and sirens wailed below. A high-pitched tone resonated and warbled.
"Vanya." Diego and Elisa said.
"Vanya is the bomb," Five told his siblings.
"Vanya is the bomb. She will always be the bomb. We need to get back to Dallas. Now," Diego told Herb.
"We need La Résistance," Herb said.
Overlapping chatter sounded as the door opened to a meeting. The group grew quiet and turned to look at the two who had just entered.
"You gotta be kidding me," Diego stated and Elisa smirked softly at her brother's annoyance.
"I know we don't look like much, but we're resourceful," Herb told him.
"Don't mess with case management," Dot warned.
"Stand down, Dot."
INT. PUB RESTROOM
A faucet ran as muted Irish music played.
Old Five turned the water off and sighed softly. He looked at the glass eye and a toilet flushed.
The door opened and Luther said, "Oh. Sorry. Ugh." He noticed the glass eye and chuckled. "Yeah, that's a waste of time. Trust me." He made his way to a urinal and used it.
"Then why were you holding it when I found you dead in the apocalypse?" Old Five asked.
Luther spluttered. "No idea. But the guy it belonged to didn't end the world. Vanya did."
"Timid little Vanya."
"Yep. Is more powerful than all of us put together. So is Elisa. Turns out, she was pissed about the way we treated her and Elisa when we were kids, so she destroyed the moon and ended the world. Elisa, thankfully, didn't."
"Huh. Fair enough."
Luther zipped his pants and sighed. "Yeah."
Old Five turned. "This is perfect. We now know exactly what's gonna happen."
"Yeah, except it, uh, already did."
"Don't think, just listen. Forget about the little jerk-off's plan. It's way too complicated. A much better plan is for us to travel to 2019. All we have to do is make nice with Vanya and Elisa, stop her from destroying the world. Easy-peasy."
"Hmm."
"Well, that's actually..."
"That's not bad, right?"
"Yeah, yeah. But what about Five? I mean, you? I mean, the, uh, young you."
"That's not me. That's a prepubescent photocopy that got botched in the time jump. Besides it's too late for him anyway."
"Too late?"
Old Five scratched his neck. "Paradox psychosis? Best thing we can do is put him out of his misery."
"What? You're... You're saying to kill him?"
"You're thinking about this all wrong."
"We're not killing anybody."
"No... Look at me. I'm Five, and I will still be alive. All we are doing is getting rid of a mutant doppelgänger. Amputating a vestigial nipple." He turned, picked up the briefcase, and was about to leave.
Luther stopped him. "Wait... are you sure you don't have paradox psychosis?"
"I've never felt better in my life." He left and opened the door.
Five and Tobias looked up from the table and the former asked, "We good?"
"We're good," Luther said.
"You got a deal," Old Five told them. "We gotta hurry. Kennedy's en route. Less than an hour until showtime."
Five and Tobias stood as Five asked, "Why are you so anxious to get going all of a sudden?"
"Relax."
"You're getting paranoid."
Old Five let out a scoffing chuckle. "Oh, am I?" Both Fives farted.
Luther smiled awkwardly. "Okay, let's roll."
The group left the pub.
INT. FBI BUILDING
"She'll start talking soon enough," the female interrogator said.
"Vanya, talking to us is your only option," Gibbs said. "Who is your handler? Answer me."
INT. UMBRELLA ACADEMY
Vanya gasped softly and asked, "Excuse me?"
"We're all waiting," Reginald said.
"For what?"
"The answer."
"I... I don't... I don't understand."
"So you're not prepared, is that what you're saying?"
"Well, prepared for what?"
"It's not her fault," Ben stated. "She hit her head. She can't remember anything."
"She got overheated, wiped her mind clean," Allison said, smirking.
"She's lazy," Luther added. "Didn't study."
Elisa narrowed her eyes, wishing she could do something to stop the taunting besides just talking.
Vanya smiled at her sister before saying, "No, no, that's not it. I..."
Klaus cut her off. "Maybe she's been faking it all along."
"She's just not ready for this," Ben said.
"You're all wrong," Reginald stated. "Number Seven deliberately chooses not to remember."
Grace walked into the room.
"Mom?" Vanya asked. "Are you okay?"
Grace set down a plate between the girls. "Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" Her cheek was showing a blue light and the tops were removed, revealing brains. Vanya looked at her plate in horror, while Elisa gagged, before the servants walked away.
"Something wrong?" Reginald asked.
"Just not hungry," Vanya replied.
"Try it. It might help you remember."
Gibbs' voice echoed. "... remember. Vanya, what are you doing in Dallas? Keep ignoring me and see what happens."
"We will get you to talk," the female interrogator said.
Cutlery clinked softly on plates and squishy chewing sounded.
Vanya cut into the brain and looked at the piece on her fork.
Elisa smiled at her sister. "Don't worry. I'm still here."
She groaned, trying to stop the memories. She grunted and choked.
"Number Seven!" Reginald yelled. "Either you remember..." the siblings, excluding a couple, laughed, "or you will go to your room without dessert! Number Eight, eat your dinner!"
He hit the table and cutlery rattled.
INT. ROOM
"What the hell's going on with the lights?" Gibbs asked.
"She's not responding," the female interrogator noted.
"Let's motivate her." Electricity surged and Vanya gasped and moaned loudly.
INT. FARMHOUSE
Harlan groaned and let out shuddered grunts.
INT. ROOM
"Are you here to kill the president?" Gibbs asked.
INT. FARMHOUSE
Harlan cried out and groaned.
INT. CHESTNUT HOME
Allison panted as she tied the dead Swede's body in a cloth. "God, why are people so much heavier when they're dead?"
"You got a lot of practice at this?" Ray asked.
Klaus chuckled. "Yeah."
Ben turned to Klaus. "Hey, so, what was it like when I possessed you?"
"It was like sex with one of the lesser Baldwins. I mean, you can feel him clattering around in there, but do you really care? Why?" He rested his hands behind his head. "What was it like driving in this hot business?"
"It... It was like having no skin... but still wanting to touch... everything."
"Oh, yeah," Klaus whispered.
"Okay," Ray said. "One... two..." they lifted the body, each letting out strained grunts.
A zapping whoosh sounded and Ray shrieked.
The body was dropped.
"Shit!" Diego and Elisa cried.
Everyone gasped and panted.
"Oh!" Allison exclaimed.
"Oh, good. All right, you're both here. Wait," Diego said.
"Diego, Elisa, Jesus!"
Herb chuckled. "Wow. Number Two, Three, Four and Eight. We have an Umbrella straight flush."
"Ray, this is my other brother, Diego. And one of my sisters, Elisa," Allison said.
"Hey, man," Diego greeted, walking up to Ray and shaking his hand. "Sorry to crash in here like this." He walked back towards Herb.
"Hey, who is this guy?" Klaus asked.
"Herb. He worked with Five at the Commission," Elisa explained.
"The Commission?"
"We monitor and maintain the time-space continuum," Herb explained.
"Okay."
"No, for real," Diego said. "Elisa and I were just there. It's awesome. Okay, I got to look at the timeline. I know what causes doomsday. It's Vanya."
"Wait, what?" Allison questioned.
Klaus stood and joined Allison before asking, "How?"
"Gonna blow up the federal building at Dealey Plaza just as the president's passing through in less than one hour. We gotta find her and stop her, now."
"Wait, Vanya kills the president?" Allison questioned.
"No, no, no. See, the explosion causes the motorcade to drive off. Kennedy lives. Everybody thinks Russia's behind it, including the president. He strikes, they strike back. Before you know it, it's raining nukes."
"Okay, um..."
"Holy shit," Klaus said.
"Ray?" Allison called. "Ray, baby." Ray panted. "Are... Are you okay? Okay." She took his hands.
"No, I'm not okay," Ray replied. "First of all, this son of a bitch beams into our living room with yet another one of your brothers and one of your sisters, and he's talking about stopping your other sister from blowing up some buildings and I got a dead man wrapped up in my best rug, babe."
"Okay. Okay, okay. Can we... Can we... Raymond. Ray. Ray."
"Or we can have that shampooed," Herb said, turning around. "We also provide body removal services." he chuckled.
Ray's breath trembled as Allison said, "I love you, Raymond Chestnut... and I really wish I had time for the nervous breakdown you so deserve." She inhaled shakily, touching his cheeks.
"But you have to go," Ray finished.
"I have to go."
Ray pulled her close and kissed her.
Allison pulled away after a moment and took a deep breath.
The group exited, leaving only Ray in the house.
INT. COMMISSION
Low chatter sounded and an office phone rang nearby.
Lila entered the classroom and asked, "Hey, where's the new recruit? The shaggy hair, caveman face?"
"No clue, sorry," the instructor replied.
A gentle chime sounded and a woman spoke. "Loyalty isn't a choice, it's a lifestyle."
Lila looked at Diego's desk and left the room.
EXT. STREETS
People cheered and a marching band played nearby.
INT. HALL
A man walked through the hallway.
INT. ROOM
"Vanya, I don't wanna keep doing this to you, but I have a responsibility to the public, and I need to know who you are," Gibbs said.
INT. UMBRELLA ACADEMY
"Eat up, it's getting cold," Reginald told Vanya.
Elisa stood in the back, waiting for her sister, as she wanted to spend time with her.
"I don't want it," Vanya said.
"I know you don't want it, but you can't pretend it doesn't exist." He stood.
"I'm not pretending."
"Of course you are." He rounded her chair. "You choose to live in a fantasy, a land of make-believe where you don't have to face up to who you really are. Rather than face the complexities of your own existence, you choose to hide inside someone else's. A silly life on a silly farm. That's not meant for you."
INT. ELEVATOR
The elevator dinged and Allison, Klaus and Diego entered.
Allison sighed as the doors closed and the elevator whirred.
She crossed her arms. "I hope we find Vanya in time."
Elisa glanced between them. "We will. I know we will."
INT. UMBRELLA ACADEMY
"You can't deny your true self any longer even if you are afraid," Reginald said.
Vanya panted. "I'm not afraid."
"Then eat! One more bite, and you can go."
Vanya stared at him. She cut into the brain and took a big bite.
Thunder boomed. She choked and thunder crashed.
Vanya's mind flashed back to all that had happened to her and Elisa.
INT. ROOM
"What the hell is happening?" the female interrogator asked as Vanya shuddered violently.
"We've gotta stop her," Gibbs said.
INT. FARMHOUSE
Harlan gasped and groaned.
INT. ROOM
"You're going to have to terminate," the female interrogator told the agent.
"I'm trying! I'm trying!" Gibbs cried trying to turn the machine off.
Vanya let out shuddered cries and electricity crackled.
INT. HALLWAY
A man was working at a desk.
Behind him, energy crackled and a blue light appeared.
"How is she still alive?" Gibbs wondered.
INT. ROOM
Vanya let out tortured moans before saying, "I remember."
INT. FARMHOUSE
"I remember," Harlan said.
INT. HALLWAY
Energy crackled and thrummed.
INT. ELEVATOR
A rumbling and rattling sounded and the three siblings looked up and around as the elevator creaked.
The wind whistled and the elevator dinged.
The three grunted and gasped.
A man laid on the floor and another man clung to the wall.
A blue surge of light was coming from one end of the hall.
Allison cried out as she made her escape and clung to the overturned desk before using it as shelter. Diego grunted and joined her. Klaus shouted as he darted out, but didn't quite make it. Energy crackled and the song continued. Allison held out her hand to Klaus and he took it. She pulled him close and gasped. Elisa struggled to make her way to her siblings and Diego caught her. He looked at her and she nodded, running a hand briefly across her stomach.
"Question, guys," Klaus said. "Who are we trying to save Vanya from?"
"FBI!" Diego, Elisa and Allison yelled.
"But if they're all sucking ceiling right now, why hasn't she stopped?"
The crackling intensified and thrummed.
INT. FARMHOUSE
Harlan's eyes turned white as energy thrummed.