1962 CAFE CANAVERAL
INT. HALLWAY
Wheels rattled and quick footsteps sounded.
There was a soft hooting.
Doors bumped open and shut.
A soft snuff sounded and the low hooting continued as a crate stopped in a room.
The crate was opened and Grace said, "It's okay, little fella. No one's gonna hurt ya."
The creature let out a soft chitter.
Grace reached out her hand and the little chimpanzee took it.
A video camera whirred and the chimp hooted softly.
A stopwatch clicked and a bell dinged.
The chimp worked levers and such while grunting softly.
He finished, looked up, as he grunted and squeaked.
Grace pressed the stopwatch and it clicked.
The chimp hooted and everyone applauded.
Grace held out her arms and the chimp bounded over, hooting excitedly before hugging Grace. Reginald watched from the back of the room and the two exchanged a nod.
They watched as a chimp was launched into space.
"This is Mercury control," a man said. "The Mercury spacecraft umbilical is out. Nine, eight, seven, six... five, four, three, two, one. Ignition..." Pogo shrieked and hooted softly. "Cabin pressure holding, 5.5." Pogo continued hooting softly. "Everything is a-okay in the cockpit." A bell dinged and Pogo hooted. The console beeped. "He's going to hand-control movement now." An alarm beeped and controllers clicked. A thunderous boom sounded, as did a warning bell. Pogo chittered nervously and shrieked before falling silent.
"Do you have any word from the recovery troops?" a man asked while Grace turned to Reginald.
Pogo was brought into the medical wing on a gurney. He was severely burnt. Grace put on a stethoscope and checked his vitals. She started CPR on Pogo. Reginald entered, holding a syringe of a red liquid and Grace nodded, stepping back. Reginald inserted the serum into Pogo and he opened his eyes and looked around. Grace gasped and hugged Reginald.
INT. ROOM
Reginald read in Ancient Greek. He began reading in English. ""Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story of that man skilled in all ways of contending, the wanderer, harried for years on end...""
"Reggie, he's sleepin'," Grace told him.
Pogo squeaked softly.
Reginald stood. "Then I suppose Homer will have to wait."
EXT. MEXICAN CONSULATE
"You know, I'm starting to get the feeling Dad's avoiding us," Five said.
Lila sighed. "Hate to be the boring one, guys, but, uh, it's time we get the hell out of here." She started walking away.
Five followed, his hands behind his back. "When you say "we," who exactly are you referring to?"
"Not a lot of ambiguity in that sentence."
"Listen, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but whatever it is, I'd advise you return posthaste."
"She's right, Five," Diego told him. "We gotta get outta here."
"I just saved your life, you kinder-shit," Lila said. "If I hadn't stepped in, all that would be left of you is a blazer and some bloody socks and a plaid shirt and bloody shoes."
"And that's the problem," Five said. "You're too good. You ask too many questions. You know too much. And you fight like you know what you're doing."
"He's got a point," Diego agreed.
"So I know how to handle myself, and that makes me the bad guy?" Lila questioned.
Five narrowed his eyes. "Whoever you are, you're in my way. If I see you again, I will kill you." He started walking away, followed by Tobias.
Elisa frowned. "Stow the arguing. Please. Just for a little while."
Lila turned. "Diego, we need to go."
Diego tilted his head slightly. "I was getting my ass handed to me back there. You helped Five, not me. Why?"
"Because he's a kid and you're a man. Bloody act like one." Diego started walking away. "Diego, I... I... We shouldn't..."
Diego turned. "You know what? I'm used to dealing with liars, Lila, but I like it better when I know what they're lying about." He walked away.
"Oh, come on, Diego. Really? You're just gonna walk away?" Diego started running off. "Diego." Lila walked in another direction.
INT. CHESTNUT HOME
Klaus woke up on the floor groaned and Ben asked, "And how are we feeling this morning?"
"Oh, peaches and cream," Klaus replied. "How are you?"
"Curious, how many more rock-bottoms are you gonna have to hit before you start taking care of yourself?"
Klaus sighed. "I'm thinking of a number between... 11 and... 25."
"What ghost are you talking to now?" Allison questioned as she walked down the stairs and entered the kitchen.
"Oh, just another... just another old cowboy. Texas is lousy with them." Klaus sat, his back against the fridge. "They're usually pretty cute, but this one is... this one is ugly and... dumb."
"Is that really necessary?" Ben asked.
"Mm-hmm." He opened his flask and drank before offering it to Allison. "You want some?"
"Klaus, if you're looking for an enabler, look elsewhere," Allison told him, picking up an empty bottle.
"Allison, your marriage is in trouble and your rally turned into a riot. If now's not the time to do some drink party, I don't know when is."
She sat next to him. "What happened?"
"Oh, where to begin?" he chuckled. "My claustrophobic cult tracked me down, I fell off the wagon, and I professed my undying love for..." he belched, "this young gay man who doesn't know he's gay yet at a 1963 diner in front of his blatantly closeted uncle. Yeah, well, not in that order, but..." he drank more. "Mmm! Aren't we a pair?"
Allison took the flask from Klaus and sniffed the liquor. "Oh, Jesus."
Klaus laughed softly and Allison dropped the flask to the floor.
"Hey, uh, excuse me," Klaus protested.
"Attagirl," Ben commented.
"I've got a blender and some much better booze," Allison told him. "So, if we're gonna start day-drinking, we should do it right."
Klaus whimpered. "I love you so much." Allison chuckled and stood. "Yeah. Yeah!" She pulled him up and he fell back, holding his head.. "Oh!"
EXT. FARMHOUSE
Chickens clucked, cows mooed and a rooster crowed.
INT. FARMHOUSE
Sissy and Vanya were in bed together, the former holding a cup of coffee while the latter slept.
Vanya stirred and opened her eyes.
"Morning," Sissy greeted.
"Hey," Vanya replied. "Is that coffee?"
"Want some?" Vanya nodded and took the mug and drank the coffee.
"What time is it?"
Sissy sighed. "I don't know, and I don't care."
"Yeah, you do."
Vanya glanced at the clock. "Oh, my God."
"I think we've earned a day off. Okay, half a day. A few hours. Hush up." Sissy took the coffee back and placed it on the table beside her bed.
The women faced each other and Vanya asked, "What is it? Do we need to talk?"
"A-About..."
"Do you want to?"
Sissy sighed heavily. "Talking makes things real, and real things end. This feels sweeter than that." She rested her head on Vanya's shoulder and smiled.
Vanya gently rubbed Sissy's shoulder. "You know yesterday when you were talking about us running away? What if we could?"
"Where would we go?"
"Somewhere safe for Harlan, where we could be together like this all the time."
Sissy lifted her head. "I'd go there right now." She kissed Vanya.
Vanya embraced Sissy and the two started kissing again.
A dog barked and Sissy chuckled.
A horn honked as a car came up the drive and Sissy gasped and said, "Oh, shit. Carl's back early."
INT. ELLIOTT'S OFFICE
Luther was making scrambled eggs.
"No, no, no, I don't understand. They keep following me," Diego said.
"Wait, who?" Luther asked.
"This Dutch sociopaths." He started walking towards Luther.
Elisa tilted her head slightly. "Well, you clearly don't know your ethnicities."
"They're Swedish, you idiot," Five corrected. "Hired guns paid to eradicate us before we do any more damage to this timeline."
"Yeah, but why now?" Diego asked. "I mean, I'm..." he snapped his fingers, "... fine for three months until you showed up."
"Yeah, I was here for a year and no one messed with me."
"Two for me," Elisa added.
Diego turned back towards Five and spread his hands to either side.
Five glanced at them, mostly between Luther and Diego. "Even if it was my fault, which it isn't, we only have six days before the end of the world, and the closest anyone's gotten to Dad was that driveway at the consulate."
"Well..." Luther sighed, "... that's not exactly true." He looked up and the others eyed him curiously.
Five walked towards Luther. "What do you mean?"
"I saw him."
"Oh, shit!" Luther cried as he fell through the blue mass and hit the dumpster.
He stood and made his way to the entrance of the alley. "Five! Diego! Allison!"
"Allison!"
"Allis--" the old man cried.
Luther was counting money as a man closed a trunk. "Two-ninety-two, Two-ninety-three..." he walked to the bus driver. "Hey, um, I'm seven cents short."
"Uh... give me what you got," the bus driver told him.
Luther gave him the money from his cup and some fell to the ground. "Oh, shit." He and the bus driver leaned down to pick up the money. "Damn it. Sorry about that. Thanks." He climbed onto the bus.
The bus driver groaned. "That boy stinks."
Brakes hissed and the bus drove down the road.
Luther got to his stop and got off. He sighed. "Home."
He was at the Umbrella Academy. He exhaled. ""This is gonna sound crazy, but Reginald Hargreeves, I am your son.""
He entered to come upon a party.
Luther walked through the halls. "Dad."
Reginald Hargreeves spoke. "Please, the world's never going to end in such a cliiché. Believe me. I know how endings feel."
"Reg, with all these bombs and big red buttons, we're bloody close to the end of the world," another man said. "Even a fool can see that."
"I will give you this: the physics of numerous quanta tells us that we cannot be certain about anything, especially if time is concerned. Even if you knew everything there s to know about right now, you could never predict what will happen next. We don't live in a universe of rules, we live in a universe of chances. Some events, however, are more likely than others. For instance, it is a near certainty that in the next few minutes," he stepped forward, "I am going to get another glass of champagne." The guests laughed. "Would you look at that?"
Reginald adjusted his monocle and walked across the room.
Luther blocked Reginald's path and said, "This is gonna sound crazy, but, uh... I'm your son."
"No, you're not." Reginald brushed past him.
Luther turned and chased after him. "But, no, I'm... I'm from the future."
"No, you're not."
"You adopted me and seven other children. In 1989."
"No, I didn't." He reached the bar to get more champagne.
"I -- I know about the moon base. I know about all your experiments with monkeys."
"Apes."
"Look, I know everything about you. Please... I need your help."
"Listen, I don't know who sent you or what you want, but you can run back to your masters at the CIA or KGB and tell them that this is the most ridiculous gambit in spycraft history."
"What? Why? Why is it ridiculous? You know time travel is possible."
"Time travel isn't a problem. I have a deep dislike of children. I do not have them, nor do I intend to have them, but if for some reason I did, I would expect more from then than a scruffy face, poor hygiene, and your grotesque, simian proportions."
"But... I took a bus."
"I don't care. Now, take yourself and the stench of failure that encircles you and get out of my house." He walked away.
People whispered as Luther stood there.
INT. ELLIOTT'S OFFICE
"That's pathetic," Diego said.
"Yeah, well, at least he didn't shank your ass," Luther replied.
"No, bro, he shanked your heart."
"Mm."
Elliott entered and looked at Luther's attire. "Is that my bathrobe?"
"No."
"Look, who care what he shanked?" Five said. "He knows something about time travel."
"Wait, why don't you just do your thing and, uh, time travel us out?" Elliott suggested.
Five stood. "Anyone care to explain?"
"First time he tried, he got lost in the apocalypse," Luther informed.
"Second time, he ended up without hair on his balls," Diego continued.
Five poured himself coffee. "Last time I tried, I scattered my family across three years in Dallas, Texas, possibly triggering a doomsday. Any more questions, Elliott?"
"Uh, no," Elliott answered.
"Guys, you're missing the big picture," Diego told them. "Dad is the ringleader of a sinister cabal that's planning to kill the president."
Tobias frowned. "What is it with you and the president? You're not aimin' to kill him, are ya?"
"What? No. I'm trying to save him."
Tobias scoffed. "The president's not gonna die."
"A cabal?" Luther repeated.
"Ignore him," Five said. "Look, the way I see it, we only have one option."
"Oh, yeah? And what's that?"
"It's time to get the Umbrella Academy back together."
"Hell, yeah. Family meeting," Diego commented.
Luther held up a forkful of scrambled eggs. "Okay then, can one of you get Allison, please?"
"You two still a thing?" Luther shifted his head slightly and Diego leaned forward. "Do we need to talk?"
"No, she's married."
"Whoa. Dude, that's rough."
"I can handle it." he chuckled.
"I'll get her," Five decided. "Can you get Vanya without, uh, squeezing her to death?"
"I'll try."
Five spatial jumped away.
"Wait!" Elliott called. "D... Uh... What should I do?"
Diego smiled. "Prepare for company."
INT. FARMHOUSE
"Oh, you should've seen it, honey," Carl said as Vanya slowly walked closer. "He said, "All the HoJo's in the Southwest District." And I said, "All the HoJo's?" 'Cause I wasn't sure if I heard him right. And he said, "Yup! All the HoJo's."" He noticed a figure had ended. "Vanya, did you hear the news?"
"How would she, Carl?" Sissy asked. "She doesn't subscribe to Showerheads Today."
"I'm in such a good mood, I'm gonna let that jape pass without a comment."
"That is a comment."
"Vanya, you are lookin' at the man who has closed the biggest deal ever for Waterton Shower and Shower Accessories Limited."
Carl was playing Operation at the kitchen table.
"That's great, Carl," Vanya said.
"Thank you, Vanya. You see, Sissy? That is how you congratulate the consummate conquering breadwinner."
"Carl, stop," Sissy told him as he hugged her from behind.
"Baby, I got such a day planned for the three of us. First, we'll hit up the Egyptian Room breakfast buffet, then watch some mutton bustin', and then take it to Cattlemen's for a big ole steak. Mmm... Hey, Vanya. Why don't you go ahead and take some time off?" he chuckled.
"Carl, Stop. Not in front of Harlan."
Carl scoffed. "Harlan don't care. I just want a kiss."
"Can't you wait till we're alone?" The game of Operation buzzed.
"No, baby. No, I can't."
"Well, you're gonna have to." Carl walked away.
"Carl," Vanya called.
"Stay out of this, Vanya."
"Sissy," Carl said as the buzzing grew louder. "The hell's going on with you?"
"I'm just sick and tired of you not listening!"
Carl slammed the table. "Well, I'm sick and tired of having to fight for your goddamn attention. Are you my wife or not?"
Vanya's power caused a glass to attack and thunder to rumble.
"What in the hell was that?" Carl asked.
Harlan took Vanya's hand, calming her.
Sissy walked up to her son. "Harlan, honey? Let's get your shoes on. Come on."
"Are you okay?" Vanya asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." She helped Harlan stand. "Just spending the day with my family." She led Harlan away.
Vanya stood and began walking away as Carl looked at her strangely and a door shut.
INT. HOTEL ROOM
Lila walked into the room. "Did you set me up?"
"Sweetie, really?" the Handler questioned.
"Those Nordic shitwits? You said they were Commission. You said they were on our side. Well, I was in the process of executing our mission, my mission that you gave me, and they got in the way."
"Oh, my."
"And now my cover's blown. Five wants to kill me, and I don't know what the hell it is you're after."
"Did you bring me what I asked for?"
Lila pulled something from her dress and dropped it on the table. "Here. Diego's knife."
"Sit."
"No."
"Yes, you're bleeding, and all that rage is bad for your complexion. Sit."
She walked around the coffee table. "Fine, but I'm not done being mad at you." She sat.
The Handler got up and grabbed a bottle. "You're right. I have been lying to you. Commission..." she poured it on Lila's injured arm, "has no idea," Lila gasped softly, "that we're here." She patted a cloth along Lila's arm.
"So, what are we doing here?"
"We are..." she stood and left the couch, "making something right..." she opened a desk drawer and pulled out a first aid kit, "that has been wrong for a very, very long time." She returned to the couch.
"Just about done with your riddles, Mum."
She sat and unzipped the first aid kit. "Oh, are you just about done now? You've done a couple missions, now you know everything? Huh? Is that it? Huh? Big Lila, all in charge, not trusting her mother, her mother who yanked her out of that horrid little slum," she cleaned Lila's arm, "her mother who rescued her from those gin-addled, neglectful parents, her mother who taught her to live, how to love, how to survive?"
"You've just said you lied."
"You lied to them and they lied to me and everybody lies to everyone else. Grow up, buttercup." She placed the bandage on and slapped Lila's arm.
"Ow."
The Handler sighed. "If I thought you needed to know the truth, I would've told you the truth, but you didn't, and so I didn't, and everything worked out just fine."
"No, it hasn't. I lost Five."
"Is he dead?"
"No. But he kicked me out of his merry little band."
"Ugh. Your wound is weeping."
"Oh. Oh, my dear, that... that's not a problem at all."
"Why not?" Lila handed the Handler a cloth.
"Well, because... I have a very busy day scheduled for us." She pulled out a mirror and looked at herself. "Oh... Ugh."
INT. ELLIOTT'S OFFICE
"Y'all know, Jell-O used to be a delicacy," Elliott informed. "You know, in order to make it, you gotta boil down a whole mess of hooves, you know, horses, cows, pigs, it doesn't matter. But not everybody has a mess of hooves just lying around. It wasn't until, uh... a couple of sassy New Yorkers figured out how to dry it out so that the rest of us could have a... a chance to enjoy this ambrosia."
"If we have some, will you shut up?" Diego asked.
Elisa's lip curled. "I'd rather not, thank you. Never been one for Jell-O."
"Maybe," Elliott answered. "Here." He began dishing out Jell-O. "You haven't tried mine."
Luther turned to Vanya. "How you feeling?"
"Pretty shitty, to be honest," Vanya replied.
"Where would you say you are on a scale from one to... ending all life on this planet?" Diego questioned as he flipped his knife.
Vanya glanced at him. "Really?"
Luther leaned forward. "Diego, put the knife away, you idiot. She's fine."
"The last time I saw this one, she had me suspended midair, sucking the life out of me," Diego shot back. "I think I'm allowed a little time to process."
Elisa glared at him. "I could make the room shake right now."
"Don't do that."
"Then be nice to Vanya."
"You're just protective of her."
"I'm protective 'cause she's family."
"Oh, I would love to see an energy tentacle or to see chaos erupt," Elliott said.
Diego shook his head. "No, you wouldn't. The building could come tumbling down."
Elisa leaned back. "Luckily, I'm not mad right now."
"Good. Don't get mad."
"Don't make me mad."
"I don't remember what I did, but I'm sorry... if... if that means anything," Vanya apologized.
Diego lowered his knife. "It does. Just going through a lot right now. There's this... girl that I like... I thought she liked me, but turns out that she's..."
The door opened and Allison laughed.
"Oh, thank God," Luther said, getting up.
"Is anyone here?" Allison asked. "Hello?"
The seven people who'd been sitting and talking stood and went to the railing and peeked over.
"Le petit mort, le petit mort," Klaus greeted.
"What? You don't speak French."
"It's "the little death.""
The two chattered indistinctly and Allison laughed.
Five glanced up at the others.
"Oh, wow," Klaus said. "Look at this old stuff." Klaus, followed by Allison, looked up at the others. "Oh, wow. I know this is impossible, but... did we all get sexier?" He waved.
"Vanya. Elisa," Allison greeted.
Vanya smiled. "I can't believe I have another sister. Two sisters. Wow."
The seven joined the three below and Vanya and Elisa smiled at Allison.
"I missed you two," Allison said.
"Thank God someone did," Vanya replied, chuckling softly.
Elisa smiled. "I missed you as well, Allison."
The women chuckled softly and embraced.
Klaus grunted, going in for a hug and Diego said, "Oh, you are drunk."
"Yeah," Klaus confirmed. "No, just a little... just a few..." he looked to see the women hugging. "Oh, that's so sweet." He joined in on their hug. "Who's the guy?"
"My husband," Elisa replied. "Tobias Stanton."
"No. Jesus," Allison muttered.
Vanya giggled. "Hi."
"Hey, Vanny," Klaus greeted. "Hey, Elisa."
"Klaus," Five called. "Is Ben here?"
"Oh, uh... no. No, unfortunately, ghosts can't time travel."
"Are you kidding me?" Ben asked from the back.
"All right, then," Five said. "Let's get down to business."
As they walked up the stairs, Klaus asked, "So, Vanny, what's new?"
"Hey, Diego," Allison greeted as Diego began walking off. "Can't say hi to nobody?"
Diego turned and answered quietly, "Hi, Allison."
"What was that?"
"Hi, Allison!"
EXT. HOUSE
Cats purred and meowed.
"Why are we here?" Lila asked.
"You were always a climber, darling," the Handler replied.
A cat purred and yowled as the Handler kicked it away.
Inside, a vacuum whirred and another cat meowed.
There were loud thuds from the roof and a canister dropped.
One Swedish man opened it and threw the canister in the trash before handing the note to another Swedish man while the other Swedish man, holding a cat, walked up.
Swedish man two opened the note to reveal a picture of Diego and a note.
INT. ELLIOTT'S OFFICE
"All right," Five began. "First off, I wanna say I'm sorry. I really screwed the pooch on this whole going-back-in-time-and-getting-stuck thing. But the real kick in the pants here is we brought the end of the world back here with us."
Klaus, who'd been getting a drink, turned and asked, "Oh, my God, again?" Everyone looked at him. "All of you knew? Why am I always the last one to find out about the end of the... Oh, my God. My cult is gonna be so pissed. Five! I told them we had until 2019."
"We have until Monday. We have six days."
"Is it Vanya?"
"Klaus," Allison and Elisa called.
"What? It's usually Vanya."
"Do you have any leads, Five?" Vanya questioned.
"Yeah, we have one," Five answered, taking the file from Diego.
Allison looked at it. "Holy shit, is that Dad?"
"Yeah," Diego confirmed.
"That's him?" Vanya asked.
"Standing on the grassy knoll."
"Diego, Elisa and I have been trying to talk to Dad about what exactly this means," Five explained. "So far, we've got nothing."
"Not nothing. He's planning to kill Kennedy."
Tobias frowned. "As strange as this all is, still trying to wrap my head around it, but Kennedy won't die, okay?"
"Maybe," Five said. "But we don't know who or what sets doomsday in motion. Could be Kennedy, could be something entirely independent. But if we know something changes the timeline, we have to make it right."
"Yeah, but how, if we don't know what's broken?" Allison wondered.
"Come on," Diego said. "Do the math. We know Dad's having shady-ass meetings with some shady-ass people. We know he's on the grassy knoll in three days to kill the president. So I think we all know what we have to do."
"Find Dad," Five told them.
At the same time, Diego stated, "Kill Dad."
Vanya looked between her family. "None of us are supposed to be here, right? I mean, what if it's us? Has anyone here done anything to screw up the timeline?"
Klaus shook his head and Allison poured herself a drink.
"Diego's been stalking Lee Harvey Oswald," Luther informed.
"And you're working for Jack Ruby," Diego shot back, pointing at him aggressively.
"Allison has been very involved in local politics," Klaus said.
"Okay, you started a cult," Allison retorted.
"Thank you!"
"I'm... I'm just a nanny on a farm," Vanya said.
Elisa offered a small smile. "I have a little dress shop in town."
Klaus growled and hissed as Vanya continued. "I don't have anything to do with all of that."
"Well, maybe one or both you do, we just don't know it yet," Allison guessed.
Diego whistled sharply. "Listen to yourselves. Everything in our new lives is connected to Kennedy. That can't be a coincidence. Luther works for Ruby, Allison is protesting the government, Dad is on the grassy knoll, Klaus is... doing something weird and pervy but probably related. See, clearly, we were all sent back here for one special reason: saving John Fitzgerald Kennedy." Overlapping arguments broke out. "This is bigger than all of us."
Five flashed back to the day he'd arrived. "Guys, you all die. I was there. I saw it. And I wanna forget it, but I can't. I saw Russian nukes vaporize the world with all of you in it... in a war that never happened until we brought it here. And Hazel gave his life to save us, so you may need to shut up and just listen to me. I don't know if the things we've experienced here are all connected. I don't know if there's a reason for everything. But Dad will. We need to talk to him before everyone and everything we know is dead."
"Okay, I'm out." Luther stood and sighed.
"Did you even hear me, Luther?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I did. I heard a 58-year-old man who still wants his daddy to come and fix everything. Well, you can count me out. It's time we grew the hell up." He left.
"Luther!" Vanya and Elisa called.
"Come back," Allison said.
"Where you going?" Klaus asked.
"Save it, Diego," Luther told him.
Five spatial jumped away and appeared in front of Luther on the stairs and Luther sighed as Five said, "No one leaves until we figure this out."
Luther picked up Five, who grunted, and threw him down over the banister. Five spatial jumped away just in the and stumbled.
"Jeez..." Five muttered, exhaling sharply. "When did the monkey learn how to fight dirty?" He walked towards the entrance and a rock clattered.
Five turned to see Lila standing on the roof and said, "Son of a bitch."
Lila hopped down and ran past him. Five debated going back in, then started chasing after her.
INT. ELLIOTT'S OFFICE
Klaus ate from a bowl and said, "You know, I could really go for some tacos right now. Allison? Tacos?"
"Shouldn't we wait?" Allison asked.
"You know those guys. I mean, it could take forever for them to bro it out. Vanya, Elisa, tacos? Tobias, tacos?"
"Is there any way that tacos are gonna cause the end of the world?" Vanya questioned.
Klaus scoffed. "I mean, there's only one way to find out, right?" He snapped his fingers.
"Sure is," Allison replied, giggling. "Let's go!"
"I've missed you all... so much." Ben leaned back and sighed.
EXT. ALLEY
"What's going on with you, big boy?" Diego asked.
"Ugh, leave me alone, Diego," Luther said.
"Huh? So, what, you're just gonna sucker punch Five and haul ass, huh?"
"Look, maybe trying to stop doomsday is exactly what starts it. Did you ever think of that?"
"Oh, so we do nothing? Since when are you a quitter?"
"Since the last time I destroyed the world by overestimating my own importance."
"So this is about you never living up to the old man's expectations bullshit, huh?"
Luther scoffed. "Maybe. I don't know, I mean, we're all crazy where Dad's concerned."
"Oh, I'm not. He's an asshole. I'm awesome. That's very simple. Have to understand that, okay?"
"Okay. So why can't you eave JFK alone, hmm?"
"I'm a hero. Heroes stop crime."
"No, no, no. No, Dad told you you're a hero. Right? He told all of us. But what if he lied? What if we're just a bunch of freaks who have no business changing the world for everyone else?"
"No, everyone changes the world, Luther. Everyone. And it's scary, but that's kinda the deal. You know, you are so goddamn big, sometimes I forget what a sensitive bastard you are. It's all gonna work out. We're on the right path."
"Oh, yeah? How do you know?"
"There's a long, black car that's been following us since we left Elliott's. Six o'clock." The car pulled up and the brothers shared a look.
The driver got out and handed Diego a note. Diego took the note and the driver got back in the car and drove off.
Diego opened the note. ""To my pursuers: I... Reginald Hargreeves..."
"What?" Luther asked.
""Request the pleasure of your company for a light supper on the 20th of November, 1963, half past seven o'clock, 1624 Magnolia Street.""
"A "light" supper?"
INT. BEAUTY SALON
Allison growled and chuckled as she picked up a bottle. "The nerve of that man. I mean, one thing goes wrong, and he's on a warpath. I mean, doesn't know who who I am? No, no. No, Ray, you know exactly who I am. You just can't handle it."
Vanya pretended to shoot. "Pew. Pew."
"I'm protecting him."
"Pew. Pew."
A soft slap sounded and Klaus said, "Ow. From what?"
"The end of the world, for one," Allison replied.
"Is the world really gonna end in six days?" Vanya asked.
"Well, it did last time, and we did everything Five could think of to stop it."
Klaus sat up. "Hey, wouldn't it be weird if Five grew up all hot? Wouldn't that be weird? I mean, Elisa's gorgeous and found someone about as attractive."
"What?" Vanya and Elisa questioned.
"Eww," Allison said.
"Oh! "Oh, eww! Eww!" Please, Miss "Luther was my lover."" He made kissing sounds.
"We have never even kissed."
"Yeah, but you guys were making sick little moon-dog eyes at each other all through puberty and breakfasts and all that."
Vanya turned in her chair. "Aren't we all brothers and sisters, or...?"
Klaus snorted as Allison replied, "Well... technically, it..."
"Technically"?" Klaus repeated. "If you have to word... use the word "technically," you're already in trouble." He giggled, as did Vanya and Elisa. Tobias smiled lightly, still trying to make sense of it all.
"Okay, can... can we focus? I mean, clearly we're not saving the world tonight, but maybe, maybe we could at least try to save my marriage."
Klaus poured a drink and it spilled over. "No! No, because that's like... that's like asking a nun how to hump someone's leg. I mean, who in this room knows shit about relationships? Maybe Elisa and Toby could divulge some secrets. Their union seems quite pleasant." He pointed at Vanya. "This one? In secret love with some farm Frau."
"Her name's Sissy," Vanya told him.
"Which is an improvement on her previous love interest," Allison and Elisa shook their heads, "the serial killer."
"What?"
"Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch..."
"Later," Allison whispered.
Klaus continued. "For a soldier I haven't technically met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister."
"Okay, again, we are not biological," Allison pointed out.
"Face it, the healthiest long-term relationships in this family are when Five was banging that mannequin." Vanya looked confused, Allison rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair, Elisa sighed softly and frowned, and Tobias looked between everyone. "The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love... is how to screw it up. Well, Elisa hasn't done that yet and her husband seems to be handling this pretty well."
"You're listening to KBOX, Dallas," a man said over the radio.
"Cheers," Vanya and Allison said, raising their glasses.
Tobias glanced at Elisa and took her hand.
"How do you guys deal with this?" Vanya asked.
"What?" Allison and Elisa questioned.
"I mean, all of it. The time travel, seeing the dead, being able to create chaos from nothing, the end of the world."
"Well, I get really high," Klaus replied. "Allison... Allison..." he whispered, "... lies to herself." Allison kicked a stool towards Klaus. "And you suppress all your emotions deep, deep down until you... you blow shit up. Elisa bottles things in until chaos goes to shit."
"Yeah, I'd really like to not do that anymore," Vanya said.
Elisa nodded. "Me too. Not that I've really done that, but still."
"Well, you've got six days, missy," Klaus told Vanya.
"What the hell are we supposed to do in six days?" Allison wondered, turning back to the mirror.
"Party?" He scoffed. "I don't know."
Vanya sat up straighter. "I'm gonna tell Sissy that I love her." Klaus exhaled sharply. "I don't want any secrets."
"Yeah."
"Yeah," Allison and Elisa agreed.
Elisa turned. "I can tell she makes you happy. I'm so glad, V."
Tobias nodded slowly. "Uh, yes. If this... woman makes you happy, then by all means... uh, tell her."
Allison stood and picked up the bottle. "Yeah, yeah, you're right. Yes, 'cause, you know, if... if it's all gonna go tits-up, the least I could do is be with my husband."
"Oh... does that mean I have to face my cult?" Klaus wondered, closing his eyes. "I just hate group breakups. It's why I stopped dating twins."
Vanya spread her arms above her head. "This family's amazing."
Klaus cackled. "Yeah, sure." He stood.
"Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves," Allison said.
Klaus hugged Allison's side. "Come here, Vanya."
"Come on. Get over here. Elisa, you and Tobias, too."
Vanya, Elisa and Tobias joined Klaus and Allison and the five of them hugged.
"I love you guys," Klaus said.
Allison laughed and Klaus groaned.
Allison gasped as a song began playing. "Oh! You guys! I love this song!"
Twistin' the Night Away by Sam Cooke began playing.
Allison turned up the dial. The five began dancing together. Tobias took his wife's hand and spun her around.
When the song finished, the five sat and the women let out a sigh.
EXT. FOREST
The three Swedes quietly trekked through the forest, in search of their next target.
Birds twittered, flies buzzed, twigs crunched, metal clinked and whirred.
One of the Swedes stepped on a booby trap and it exploded, killing the Swede closest to it.
A train rumbled along the tracks and a train horn blowed.
EXT. ALLEY
Lila made sure the coast was clear and ran towards a building. Five watched her from a distance. She picked up a piece of wood and smashed the glass.
She unlocked the door and entered.
Five followed after her and peeked in.
He spatial jumped inside and appeared behind Lila who turned. "What's your game, crazy lady?"
"Who cares?" Lila shot back. "You said if you saw me again, you'd kill me."
"Oh, I remember."
"Well, come on, big talker. Let's get this done."
"All right." He spatial jumped behind her and she kicked him, knocking him to the ground with a grunt before running off with a chuckle.
Five chased her and spatial jumped in front of her. The two fought for a short while.
"I'm waiting," Lila said as Five spatial jumped and missed her.
She laughed. "Fed up yet, Five?"
Five picked up a pipe and spatial jumped towards her, knocking it into a light, causing it to shatter.
Lila grunted and resumed her attack.
Five managed to win and held a foot against her neck.
Lila wheezed as she said, "You're better than I thought."
"And you are entirely average," Five replied as she choked. "You can come out now."
The Handler walked out. "Well done. You figured it out."
"Well, it wasn't very hard. She fights like every one of you Commission drones."
"Hmm. No matter, here we are. Together again. I've gotta ask... did you miss me, you little shit?" Five glared and Lila coughed and laughed.
INT. FARMHOUSE
Vanya walked inside as voices on the TV chattered indistinctly. She closed the door.
"Sissy," Vanya called, entering the kitchen.
"Vanya," Sissy said softly. "Don't sneak up on me like that."
"Where have you been?" Sissy stepped closer to Vanya.
"Uh, family reunion."
"Are you... drunk?"
"Does it matter?"
Sissy let out a scoffing chuckle.
"What matters is I have feelings... okay?" Vanya said, taking Sissy's hands. "And I... I feel things for you."
"Vanya, now's not a good time," Sissy told her.
"No. Now's the only time. 'Cause how much time do we have left? We could have years, we could have days, but we only have one life. And we gotta go with our hearts. And my heart wants to go with you."
"Sissy!" Carl called, entering the room. "What happened to that beer, girl?" He noticed Vanya. "Oh, shit. You caught me naked as a jaybird." he chuckled. "I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later." He stepped further into the kitchen and a bottle clinked. "That's all right. You're part of the family." He rejoined the women with a beer and pet Sissy's hair. "Don't you dawdle now." He slapped her rear and walked away.
The door shut.
"You slept with him?" Vanya asked.
"He's still my husband," Sissy replied.
"Who you don't love anymore."
"Just be a little patient - while I figure things..."
"What is there to figure out? I see you. I see you miserable."
"Who gets to be happy all the time?"
"We can! I've seen it. One of my sisters found love. We were just talking about leaving."
"Honey, that was just morning talk, lies we tell each other to get through the damn day. We don't get to live our fantasies. Not everyone has a happy marriage." She sighed as she began walking away and turned. "You know, Vanya..." her voice trembled, "maybe when you can remember what your real life was like, you'll feel less inclined to tell people how to live theirs. You know nothing of the pressures I'm under."
"I know we're running out of time for you to be brave."
"What does that mean?"
"Six days. We've got six days."
"Six days until what?"
"I can't explain, okay? Just, we need to go now, please."
"Vanya," Sissy whispered.
"Please, come. Please..."
"Vanya. Vanya. Vanya! I can't."
Vanya started crying and pushed the tears away before leaving without another word.
"Vanya," Sissy called, panting. "Vanya, wait!" She ran towards the door.
The door opened and slammed shut and Sissy let out a sigh.
Vanya walked out to the street as bugs chirred.
EXT. LAKESIDE
The two Swedes stood near a lake as a boat on fire drifted across the water.
One of the Swedish men screamed.
EXT. DINER
Luther and Diego were sitting at a table. Luther was eating and Diego was looking at the photo and note they'd been given.
EXT. HOUSE
Klaus looked at the house a moment and walked inside.
He was greeted by his cult and said, "Daddy's home."
They touched his hair and cheek.
INT. CHESTNUT HOME
Allison entered and called, "Ray?" She saw her husband. "Sit your ass down. Sit down." She set down her bag. "Now, I... I've been doing a lot of thinking," Ray sat, "and... I've decided..." she exhaled sharply, "... I'm gonna tell you everything."
EXT. LAKESIDE
The boat traveled slowly across the water, still burning.