Angel
Nandito ako ngayon sa may garden ng vacation house ni Kingsley dito sa Bantayan Island Cebu. Pinagmasdan ko ang paligid. The place looks fantastic! Kahit nasa isang isla ito ay moderno ang vacation house nito. It has 2 guest bedrooms and 1 master bedroom. The charming vacation house is comprised of clean lines and filled with modern furnishing and a neutral and calming color palette. Sa labas naman ng vacation house ay may maliit na pool at tanaw lang din mula dito sa garden ang dagat.
Nayakap ko ang aking sarili nang maramdaman ko ang malamig na hangin. Sa loob ng mahabang sandali ay nanatili lang akong naroon, nakatingin sa kalmado at asul na dagat. Ninanamnam ko ang magaan at payapang pakiramdam.
I sighed nang bigla kong naalala si Ken. Agad akong binalot ng lungkot nang maalala ko ang nangyari kahapon.
Me: " I'm so sorry... I shouldn't have left you like that. " Puno ng pagsisising sabi ko kay Ken habang yakap-yakap ako nito.
He slowly let go of me and held my face with both hands. He gave me a reassuring smile while staring straight into my eyes.
Ken: " It's OK love. Don't worry. Ang importante ay nandito kana. " Nakangiting sabi nito at agad na sinakop ang aking mga labi.
Naipikit ko ang aking mga mata nang maramdaman ko ang mga labi ni Ken. Puno ng pagsuyo ang paraan ng paghalik nito saakin. Bigla itong napahinto sa paghalik nang maramdaman siguro niyang hindi ko yun tinugon. Makikita sa expresyon nito ang pagtataka.
Ken: " What's wrong? Pagod kaba? Gusto mo bang magpahinga muna? " Malumanay niyang tanong.
Me: " We need to talk. " Mahinang sabi ko at hinila ito papunta sa parte ng rooftop kung nasaan ang patio set. Nagtataka man ay hindi naman ito nag protesta at nagpahila lang din naman.
Ken: " Tinatakot mo naman ako love... " Pabirong sabi niya nang tuluyan na kaming maka-upong dalawa.
Me: " I need to go away for a while. " Parang pabulong kong sabi . Nag-iwas ako nang tingin nang makita ko ang nagugulohang ekspresyon nito.
Ken: " Ha? May pupuntahan kaba? What do you mean you need to go away for a while? Bakit? Saan? " Dere-deretchong tanong nito. " If this is about what happened last night, I know I was being selfish again and I'm so sorry. " Nahimigan ko ang panic sa boses niya.
Me: " Somewhere..." I whispered at pilit siyang tinitigan ng deretcho sa mga mata. " And don't be sorry for what happened, dahil hindi naman yun mangyayari kung hindi ko rin yun ginusto. " Hinaplos ko ang mukha niya at pilit siyang nginitian.
Ken: " If hindi yun ang rason, then please tell me. " Frustrated niyang tanong at hinawakan ang magkabilang balikat ko.
Me: " Because I'm scared Ken. " I bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying. Pigil-pigil ko ang mga luhang gusto-gusto ng kumawala.
Ken: " Scared of what? " Napalitan ng pagsuyo ang tono ng boses nito pagkatanong.
Me: " I'm scared for myself. I'm scared that one day you'll easily just give up on me like you did. Because it hurts so much when you gave your all to someone, through thick and thin you were there for them. You stick to them. Then one day they just gave up on you. One thing I would have never done? You did it with no hesitation. " Puno ng hinanampong sabi ko sa kanya. . " At nakakalungkot na kailangan mo pang malamang may kasama akong iba to realized my importance. " Sabi ko at malungkot siyang nginitian.
Ken: " I'm so sorry... " Nakayukong sabi niya. Bakas sa tono ng boses nito ang matinding pagsisisi.
Me: " Natatakot ako because I love you too much na kaya ko palang gawin lahat para sayo despite everything. " Hindi ko na napigilan ang aking mga luha. " And I'm deeply sorry for not being able to say those words before. " Punong-puno ng pagsisising sabi ko sa kanya.
Ken: " Mahal na mahal din naman kita love. " Malumanay niyang sabi. " And I'm so sorry too. Nung nangyari kasi noon kay sa Jah, sarili ko lang ang iniisip ko. Ang galit ko lang. Ang nararamdaman ko lang. I'm sorry if naging selfish ako at nabulag sa galit ko. Pero pinagsisihan ko na lahat yun. And I promise you na hinding hindi na yun ma-uulit OK? " He assured me at pilit pinasigla ang tinig pero hindi na rin nito napigilan ang mga luha. " Just please please please don't do this. " Pagsusumamo nito. Nakita ko ang pangungusap sa kanyang mga mata.
Ilang segundo akong nanatililing tahimik hindi dahil napag-isipan ko ang sinabi niya. Pakiramdam ko ay may bikig sa aking lalamunan dahil parang hindi ako makapagsalita. Nagulat ako nang bigla itong lumuhod sa harap ko at niyakap ako.
Seeing Ken like this breaks my heart into millions of pieces. Sinubukan kong kuhanin ang dalawang kamay nitong nakayakap sa katawan ko pero mas lalo lang nitong hinigpitan ang pagkaka-yakap. Ramdan na ramdam ko ang sakit na nararamdaman nito ngayon.
Me: " Being in a relationship is not just about feelings. It's a decision Ken. " Mahinang sabi ko.
Ken: " What do you mean? " Magkahalong sakit at pagtataka ang mga mata nito nang mag angat ito ng tingin. Kinailangan kong i-iwas sandali ang aking paningin dahil labis na akong nahihirapang makita si Ken ng ganito.
Me: " Mahal na mahal kita. My feelings for you is real and genuine and just telling these right now feels like my heart's been ripped out from my chest. " Pigil hagolhol kong sabi sa kanya.
Ken: " Then why do you have to do this? " Puno ng hinanakit niyang tanong. " Why can't we start over again? Bakit kailangan ganito? Mahal kita, mahal mo ako. Hindi paba sapat yun? "
Me: " Love isn't enough to stay in a relationship Ken. Dahil sa tuwing nararamdaman ko kasi kong gaano kita kamahal, hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng pagtatampo, ng sakit. " Hindi ko na napigilang humagolhol.
Lumipas muna ang ilang segundo bago ko narinig na magsalita ulit si Ken.
Ken: " So anong gusto mong gawin ko? " Malumanay niyang tanong pero bakas ang ka desperadohan sa tinig nito.
Me: " Nothing. Dahil ako na to eh. " Umiiyak kong sabi at sinapo ang mukha nito. " Ako na naman ngayon ang nangangailangan ng panahon para maalala ko ang lahat ng mabuti at maganda saatin. " Hinawakan ko ang magkabilang balikat nito para mapatayo and guided him back to his seat.
Ken: " Hindi mo ba pwedeng gawin yun na kasama ako? " Naluluhang tanong niya.
Me: " Kailangan ko muna ng panahon na makalimutan ko ang lahat ng sakit. " Sagot ko sa pagitan ng iyak ko.
Ken: " Pero sobra-sobra naman ang hinihingi mo Gel! " Mariing protesta nito. " Ang hinihingi mo ay ang mawala ka sa buhay ko! " Pigil hagolhol niyang sabi. " What if we're supposed to be meant to be? And this is just one of our trials? Just please don't do this. I'll do everything to make this work. I'm begging you love. Maawa ka naman. " Pagsusumamo nito.
Me: " I want my heart to stop from breaking Ken para pag naging tayo ulit, kaya ko ng mahalin ka ng buo as much as I want you to love me back as a whole. Kaya na nating mahalin ang isat-isa ng buo na walang takot na masaktan man tayo ulit. " I explained. " And no matter what happens, I feel like we always gonna be in each other's lives. It may be hard at first but it's gonna be fine. "Malumanay kong sabi sa kanya and gave him a reassuring smile. " You may not understand this now but I believe this is the best for both of us. And I hope deep down inside you understand that this is just as how important to you as it is to me. "
Hindi ko na narinig si Ken na sumagot at natagpuan ko lang ang mga sarili naming parehong nakatanaw lang sa malayo at tahimik na umiiyak. Ilang minuto kaming nanatiling ganun. Baka siguro pareho kaming dalawang pilit prinoproseso ang nangyayari.
Hindi ko alam kong saan nanggaling ang lakas ng loob kong sabihin ang lahat ng yun. Hindi ko alam kong saan ako humugot ng tapang.
Napalingon ako kay Ken nang makita kong pinahid nito ang mga luha. Isang malalim na buntong hininga ang pinakawalan nito bago nagsalita.
Ken: " Babalik ka naman diba? " He asked at pilit pina-kaswal ang boses.
Me: " I will. " Sabay abot ko sa kanyang isang kamay at marahang pinisil yun and gave him a reassuring smile.
Ken: " Kahit hindi ko maintindihan ngayon ay pilit kong i-intindihin. I just hope once you figure things out, I'm still part of it. " Malungkot niya akong nginitian. " Kung kailangan kong maghintay hanggang makita mo ulit ang Angel ko, maghihintay ako. Nasabi ko na to sayo noon at sasabihin ko ulit. I'll always be here. I've always been here. You need to live your life and find yourself and when you're ready, I'll be there. "
I came back to my sense nang maramdaman kong may mga yapak na paparating. Napalingon ako and it was Kingsley's. May bitbit ito ngayong dalawang glasses ng Mimosa. Umupo siya sa isa sa mga upuan sa patio set and placed the 2 glasses of Mimosa on the table. Agad ko siyang nilapitan at nginitian at umupo sa upuang kaharap nito.
Kingsley : " Do you like the place? " He casually asked.
Me: " I do! I love it! " Naka-ngiting sabi ko sa kanya. Nginitian naman niya agad ako. " Thanks King ha? Pasensya kung naabala pa kita. " Nahihiyang sabi ko.
Kingsley: " Anytime honey. Gusto ko ngang samahan ka dito eh but I have an urgent client meeting tomorrow. " Malungkot niyang sabi.
Kararating lang namin kaninang umaga dito at dapat kasi sana ay sasamahan ako nitong mag bakasyon ngayon dito sa bagong vacation house nito. But on our way here ay may natanggap itong tawag mula sa kanyang client kaya babalik na naman ito ng Manila kinabukasan.
Me: " Nah.. it's ok. I understand. " Nakangiting sabi ko sa kanya.
Kingsley: " Are you sure you'll be OK here? " Paninigurado nito. " Walang signal pa naman dito at walang internet. "
Me: " This is exactly what I needed. As long as may taga luto, I'll be OK. " I assured him.
Kingsley: " Babalik ako agad dito after my client meeting OK? Anyway may landline naman, you can use it anytime. Just please hold on to your sanity! " Exaggerated nitong sabi sa last part.
Me: "I'm actually kinda feeling OK now until I realized what tomorrow is. "
Kingsley: " Another day without Ken? " He asked.
Me: " I was gonna say Monday but OK. " I joked.
Narinig ko ang mahinang pagtawa nito pero agad din naman itong sumeryoso.
Kingsley: " Do you regret it? " Malumanay niyang tanong.
Hindi ako nagsalita at nag iwas lang ng tingin because to be honest, I don't know what's the answer to his question.
Kingsley: " Mahal ko kayong pareho ni Ken and you know that right? " He asked. Tipid na ngiti lang ang tanging nasagot ko. " I want to let you know that I respect your decision. Hindi man lahat ng tao ma-iintindihan ang naging desisyon mo, but I understand. Sometimes in life, time is all we need to forget all the pain. Even though you love that person, sometimes love is not enough if the pain is still there. Magiging toxic lang ang isang relationship if may hangover pa because unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and they will come forth, later, in uglier ways. Dapat hilumin muna ang mga sugat and not just ignore it. Pwede namang ma tolerate but the question is, until when? One day, sasabog at sasabog yun. So don't be hard on yourself OK sweetie? I perfectly understand. " Nakangiting sabi nito at pinisil ang isang kamay ko.
Me: " Thanks King. " Sabi ko at tipid ko siyang nginitian.
Kingsley: " Minsan we really need to stop chasing after people & being the only one trying to fix everything. It's mentally and physically exhausting. We deserve to find peace with whoever comes and goes from our lives. " He cheered. " And it will never be wrong if you want to pick up what was broken pieces by pieces. If sa tingin mo, your decision is what's best for you, then there's nothing wrong with that. Obligasyon natin yan sa sarili natin. Karapatan mong pumunta sa kung saang direksyong gusto mo. If you think, yan ang makakabuti sayo, then go! Right mo yan. Your life is your responsibility. "
Kingsley's right. My life is my responsibility. Mahirap ang ginawa kong disisyon. Deciding between what I want and what's best for me is effing hard. It's not easy because it hurts. But I want to think about myself just for once. I just want time to think for myself and not others around me. I want to stop with all these fake smiles and stop pretending that it's alright for once because sometimes it's just too hard to handle. And I want to be genuinely happy. And in order for me to achieve that, I need to get my life together without having to fake my happiness. Dahil minsan sa pag pre-pretend ko na masaya ako, hindi ko na alam kong masaya ba talaga ako or I'm just getting really good at pretending to be happy. At ayokong maging unfair kay Ken dahil gusto kong mahalin ko siya ng buo as much as I want him to love me back as a whole.
Kingsley: " Normal lang na mamiss mo siya. " Sabi niya at nginitian ako. " My job as your friend is to accept and support your decisions. Though hindi naman sa lahat ng panahon that we agree sa parehong bagay but I'm your friend. Part of my job is to support you dahil kaibigan kita eh. At ang isang kaibigan ay kailan man walang karapatang pangunahan ang disisyon ng isang kaibigan. Friend's job is to just listen, comfort, give advices. But a friend never have the right na pakialaman ka sa mga decision mo sa buhay. Yeah I give out opinions and advices but opinyon ko lang naman yun because at the end nasa sayo parin yan kung susundin mo o hindi. Alam ko ring hindi madaling gawin ang naging decision mo but if you think that's best for yourself, I support you. And always remember kahit may times na busy man ako, but I'm just here. "
Ngiti lang ang tanging naisagot ko.
Kingsley: " Sometimes we say that it's silly for our heart to be hurting but what kind of human would you be to keep ignoring these emotions. Allow yourself to feel. "
Me: " Thank you King. Thank you so much. " Sabi ko at niyakap ito.
Author's Notes
Dealing with heartbreak is not easy but it is easier than healing a broken heart. May kaibahan ba author? Yep. It's different. Because dealing with heartbreak is all about pain while healing a broken heart is about pain, acceptance, and reviving your old self before you got broken. Dahil minsan kasi, pag nag mahal tayo, we give up certain parts of our persona and replace them with other pieces to form this perfect puzzle with our partner. Sometimes even our own values just to satisfy our significant other. We all do it. Kasi ganun naman siguro talaga diba sa isang relasyon? Because it's not all about you anymore. But let's not forget how much of ourselves we've actually lost in a relationship. Picking up yourself pieces by pieces and learning to love yourself more is never easy. Healing those wounds takes time. But it's worth it. 😊
Naiintindihan nyo ba si Angel? Or you find her decision selfish? 😅
And who's excited for the SB19 Global concert later? 🙋🏼♀️ 🙋🏼♀️ 🤩 😍
Anyway, I hope you did enjoy this chapter! Don't forget to Vote & Share! 😘😘
Love lots,
Jj ( covetfashion14 ) ❤️❤️❤️