*hello! hope you guys enjoy because this is another one of my favorite episodes because of rick's petty ass. also, enjoy the incorrect quote cause i felt it fit the chapter. not edited btw*
Cas knew it was a stupid idea. She almost said that Rick's vat of acid idea could have been a much better plan but she also knew he could be oddly sensitive when it came to topics like that, especially now. Cas would often bite her tongue on situations like this and wait for it to blow up in Rick's face and then help him clean up the mess. Morty, however, had recently became the opposite of that. Something he voiced as the trio pulled up to an alien chemical warehouse for Rick's trade.
"Oh shit, I almost parked. Hold on, watch this," Rick grinned over at Cas, who watched him with an amused face. He pressed the auto-park button on the front of his console before grinning back towards Cas and Morty. The car slowly lowered to the ground before parking finally.
"Uh-huh," Morty said, unamused.
"Well, I thought it was cool," Rick grumbled. Cas sent him a slight smile as if to cheer him up and let him know she was impressed. "So. We should be in and out. Simple exchange, not even really an adventure. And if anything goes wrong- which it won't- jump into the same vat of acid I jump into." Rick explained as he stepped out of the ship.
Cas and Morty quickly shared a confused glance before looking up at Rick again. "Wait, wait- what? What vat of acid?" Morty asked, causing Rick to quickly lean down back into the car to shush him.
"Morty, close the door," Rick slid back into the seat, causing both Cas and Morty to get into their seats as well. "I pre-scouted this location and placed a vat of fake acid amongst the real ones. It's got air hoses and a compartment of bones at the bottom. If things go wrong, which they won't, we jump into the vat of acid and I'll release the bones, they'll float up... What is this face you're making?" Rick trailed off when he realized Morty's bored look. Cas had a confused look on her face despite trying to be supportive of his clearly poor plan.
"Aren't you an inventor?" Morty asked him.
"Yeah, what part of a fake acid vat with built in air supply and quick release bones isn't inventive enough for you, and when did my job become pitching you ideas?" Rick snapped at Morty, who had the same annoyed and bored look. "Even Cas supports it," Rick motioned. She nodded when he looked at her but the moment he looked away she shook her head at Morty but gave him a look to say 'just go with it'.
"Alright! Let's just do this," Morty gave up. "I have English homework."
"You're still learning English? That's the language you speak. How dumb are you?" Rick commented and Cas rose a brow at that.
"Says the one who built a fake vat of acid," Cas mumbled to herself for only Morty to hear, which she heard Morty snicker at.
They entered the warehouse, where four aliens stood before them. "Interesting choice of meeting place, Rick." The leader of the small group of criminals said, his eyes traveling to Cas for the briefest of moments.
"You like it? My grandson had notes," Rick commented, which made Morty roll his eyes. "Show him the crystal's, Cassie." Cas pulled the briefcase up, opening it to show ten bright red crystals. The leader nodded the much short alien next to him, who opened the case to show grayish blue crystals that looked identical to the red ones in Cas' hand. Rick nodded at Cas, who held out the briefcase switching it for the ones the group help.
"I'll make lots of money with these," the leader commented.
"I'll make a lot of those with these," Rick replied with a grin.
"Well, those are fake," The leader revealed, making Cas shut the briefcase in shock. The man to the leader's right held up his gun, making Cas put her free hand up in defense.
"Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, you brought fake crystals and a gun?"
"Beats real crystals and no gun," The alien shrugged with a smug tone.
"Okay but does anything beat fake crystals and a fake arm?" Rick asked, reaching out from under his coat to shot at the largest alien in front of them.
"Whoa! Do you know who I am? Even if you kill me, you're a deadman."
"Are you serious? Morty, Cassie, he's right. We're screwed. Let's just end it. Quick death, come on." Rick pulled Morty into the vat of acid below them. Cas threw her head back and sighed before leaping over the railing after him. Rick grabbed her arm just as she submerged fully and handed her the tube to breath through. He opened the compartment for bones, which floated up the top, before pressing the button to deploy the speaker.
"What kind of psycho... his own grandson and girlfriend..." The leaders voice came through.
"Guess he took the threat pretty seriously," One of the aliens said.
"Yeah, but it just doesn't make any sense." Morty threw Rick a glance at that, making Rick flip him off.
"Well, he was a scientist. Maybe he knew more about acid. Maybe it's a like the most painless way to go."
"How could that have been painless? You saw that pause before the bones floated up, that had to be five seconds of unparalleled torture. I..." The leader's distraught voice said, "I can't get my head around it. I-I thought I had seen the galaxy at its darkest. This, this is gonna take a while to feel normal."
"We're pretty good listeners, boss. Drinks are on us if you want to talk it out."
"Thanks but... what happened, it happened here. I don't want to lose the moment." The leader said, both of his followers supporting him in wanting to stay.
It felt like it had been hours of the three of them being stuck under the bright green liquid. Both Cas and Morty kept sharing annoyed looks towards each other and Rick, making Rick glare at them or flip them off. The leader had begun a story that seemed to drag on despite how short it had actually been. "...And then, little Tommy FlimFlam's running down the hyper loop. His ass is on fire from Xenon fluid, but his AI hologram is fucking his own peehole." Which made both of his henchmen tell him the story was great but Cas could tell they were lying, "Yeah, well, I got a million of 'em. Alright. I think I'm ready to deal with the world now. Let's get out of here,"
"Should we drop our buddy in here before we go?"
"Yeah, probably a good idea," One of them said, making Cas and Morty look towards Rick with wide eyes. He quickly motioned down the the compartment of spare bones, making Cas only slightly impressed.
"Should we use a different vat? Does acid lose its acid power the more it dissolves?"
"What am I? An acidologist? Here, grab that ratlike creature, we'll do a little test." Rick pulled out a single bone, using the knife from his coat to carve it into a small bone shape.
"Look, if you're going to test the damn acid, don't use a rat, take that ladle, grab a spoonful, and put it in the analyzer." The leader said as Rick handed the small bones to Morty. A ladle dipped into the fake acid above them, making Rick pull his blaster out, shooting the bottom half of it. "Okay, I'd say that's pretty acidy. Drop him in."
Instead of the body however, the henchman tossed the rat in. The three pushed it around, trying to keep the compartment of larger bones closed but failed as the compartment opened, making the large and small bones float up. "Look at the size of the bones on that rat! How many sets of bones this rat got?"
"And look how the smaller ones are shaped! They're like little cartoon bones, like if you drew a bone in art class!" Cas glared at Rick, nudging his arm slightly. "Alright, that tears it. I'm cancelling the rest of my night and calling a bone scientist. We're getting to the bottom of this-" Morty face turned from annoyance to anger as he pulled the breathing tube out, grabbed Rick's blaster and let go, allowing him self to float up. Cas and Rick both shared a glance before following after him.
"Jesus fucking Christ, enough already." He tossed the rat towards them just as Cas surfaced. He shot one of them, hitting his elbow as Rick surfaced, taking the blaster and shooting two of them while Cas sent a blast of energy towards the last one. The two Rick shot turned into skeleton's while the one Cas took care of fell the floor, blood oozing out of the small holes in his body. She caught the metals pulled from his body in her hand, shaping it into a flat surface and tucking it into her pocket before following Morty out of the vat.
Morty collected the red crystals, tossing them into the briefcase without a word as Rick watched from the edge of the vat.
"The fuck is wrong with you?" Rick shouted after a few moments of silence. Cas sat in the passenger seat trying to dry her hair with a towel, the already wavy hair curling more as it dried. Cas glanced at him from the corner of her eyes before Morty responded. She wanted to say how all of that could have been avoided if his plan relied on Cas, like most of them did. Instead, she set the towel on her lap, watching in amusement as they fought while she floated the piece of metal from the henchman above her hand, shaping it into different shapes.
"Just admit it was a shitty idea!" Morty snapped back.
"Having a grandson?"
"A vat of fake acid! Are you dying of dementia?" Morty exclaimed, making Cas snort quietly.
"How are you talking to me like this? Wh-When did you get so cocky?"
"Tonight! Tonight, Rick! The night I saw you fail!"
"Because you ruined it!"
"It was pre-ruined! Even Cas hated the plan!"
"Oh was it worse than when I was a pickle? Oh, oh, that's right, you two weren't there for that!" Rick exclaimed, now looking between both Cas and Morty. Cas gave him a sheepish smile after Morty involved her, hoping she'd find a way to weasel out of it like she usually did. "Turned out kind of cool. Maybe there's a connection there!"
"Excuse me?" Both Cas and Morty said at the same time.
"What's that cool thing you did without me again? The awesome thing? I-I-I guess you wanted a dragon? Mwah, unforgettable," Rick snapped at Morty, who mumbled a quiet 'fuck you.' "Timely, too, you really got in on that Game of Thrones fever right at the peak." Cas made a small mental note of how he ignored her involvement, planning to ask him about it later.
"You trying as hard as you can to hurt me right now proves my point." Morty's voice was quieter now, more so just annoyed and hurt by Rick's words.
"I'll let you know when you have a point and the whole world will know when I try to hurt you," Rick grumbled.
"Big man, big genius. Big lonely drunk," Morty mocked dramatically.
"Hey, save some of these atomic-age beatnik zingers for your english homework, Bukowski." It was only minutes after Rick's annoyed jab when they pulled into the garage. Cas was the first to leap out of the ship, allowing Morty the quick exit he wanted. "There's no such thing as a bad idea, Morty. It's about execution," Rick said as Morty slammed the door to the garage.
"You could have been a little easier on him, darlin'," Cas said quietly. She came up behind him, resting her cheek to his back as she hugged him from behind.
"No shocker you're taking his side. Predictable," Rick grumbled but didn't push her off.
"I'm not taking either of your sides. You both were assholes to each other," Cas said, pulling away so she could turn him to face her. She grabbed his hands, lacing her fingers with his in hopes to relax him. "You both could have been easier on each other and not leave me in the middle all the time," Cas pointed out with a soft smile. It was always tough being the middle man between Rick and Morty's constant arguing. She found she'd comfort Rick first while Morty cooled down before finding him and letting him unload his annoyance with her. It was tough system only because Rick wasn't the easiest to comfort and it required a new strategy each time.
Rick went to speak, his facial expression going from annoyed to serious, only to be interrupted by Morty slamming the door open. "No such thing as a bad idea? Except all of mine right?" Morty snapped, standing in the door way with an angry face.
"Morty, wanting a dragon isn't an idea," Rick sighed, dropping Cas' hands.
"I'm not talking about that! I'm constantly pitching you ideas, Rick, and you act like they're not even worth thinking about." Morty explained as Cas moved to sit on Rick's work bench. Rick absentmindedly began to tinker as he ignored Morty.
"What, the helicopter lawn chair? That's just something you saw on TV." Rick snapped, glancing back at Morty.
"What about my video-game-style place saving device?"
"Oh my god, here we go," Rick groaned. Cas gave him a look, nudging his leg with her foot.
"It's a good idea, Rick! A device that lets you-"
"Save your place like a video game but in real life so that you can try stuff and then go back to your save point. Yes, Morty, Cas and I saw it on Futurama," Rick finished, a smirk on his face before he turned back around to face Cas on his work bench. Cas had a look on her face as if trying to tell him to go easier on Morty.
"Oh, do you don't do anything unless it's original?"
"I don't do time travel," Rick shrugged.
"It's not time travel, it's saving a place in time-"
"Oh my god, is that what you think I do?" Rick turned around again, "This is where the heavy lifting happens in your mind. Do you have any idea how much fucking work would have to go into a machine that-"
"Ah-ha! You can't do it!" Morty baited.
"I can do anything, Morty. Your idea is not worth doing."
"You can't do it."
"Before what you're trying to was called 'negging,' it was called reverse psychology and incels didn't invent it, Bugs Bunny did." Rick crossed his arms at Morty, who was smirking widely. Cas' face turned to one of amusement, just like it had back in the ship.
"You can't do it."
"There is nothing I can't do."
"A place saving video game device," Morty corrected.
"You're a piece of shit!" Rick shouted before it just spiraled into the two of them shouting 'fuck you' at each other. It ended, however, with Rick grunting in annoyance and pushing his stuff off of his workbench in frustration. He grumbled swears under his breath as Cas leaped off the table, catching the tools he tossed behind his back in mid air with her abilities.
"So... are you gonna-"
"Yes, I'm gonna fucking do it!" Rick shouted, making Morty flinch slightly.
"You know, I had just calmed him down too," Cas looked towards Morty, who stood straight up with a worried look on his face.
Cas had retreated to bed only shortly after midnight. Rick remained in the garage, mumbling under his breath only stopping to thank Cas when she brought him something to eat. She was half asleep for most of the night until around 3 am when she felt the bed dip when Rick joined her. She mumbled a small good night, which he returned before leaning over to kiss her cheek quickly. Cas smiled at the small moment of affection that was so rare from him.
"I did it, by the way," Rick said when Cas began to stir awake.
"What?" Cas said, still groggy with sleep. It only took her a brief moment to understand what he meant as she sat up. She pushed the hair away from her face before speaking, "you mean Morty's remote thingy?"
"Yup," He said nonchalantly. "Well, sort of," He shrugged and Cas rose one eyebrow at that.
"Son of a bitch, what did you do?" Cas woke up quickly at that, Rick rose half his brow at how quickly she jumped to the worst possibilities.
"Every time he "saves his place", he goes to an alternate reality so to speak," Rick explained. "It's the only way I could do it that would also teach him a lesson that some ideas are just not worth doing," Rick shrugged again. Cas sighed loudly, putting her head in her hands. "What? It was a choice he made, I just gave him the resources to do it." Rick asked as she got out the bed to change into her day clothes.
"So where's my lesson?" Cas asked as she pulled her black pants on. Rick once again rose half his brow at that, "I didn't think your fake vat of acid was a very smart plan. It would have gone smoother had you and I just took care of them had something gone wrong. Yet, I never say anything because you do shit like this. You spend way to much time trying to find the worst way possible to 'teach a lesson.'" Cas finished as she pulled her green sweater on.
"Then you don't get the point," Rick shrugged.
"Because you don't communicate!" Cas exclaimed, "You just assume I can always read your thoughts when I can't."
Rick sighed loudly, putting his fingers on the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "The point is, Cas, that I need you." Rick snapped, his words making Cas look taken back. "You said I shouldn't be surprised if I found you gone one day. I'm preparing for the inevitable," Rick mumbled, clearly uncomfortable with the topic.
"There wouldn't be an inevitable to prepare for if you just tell me what you're thinking sometimes." Cas said quietly, stepping back towards the bed. She laid down next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her. "I love you a lot, Rick. This isn't some pit stop for me. This is it. You're it. I've made it this long. I don't think I'm gonna be leaving any time soon."
"Good because you've seen how shitty my ideas are without you," Rick joked. Cas laughed at that, rolling her eyes at him with a smile.
"Where would you be without me, Sanchez?" Cas teased.
"God, let's not go through how many answers that question has," Rick commented, "Morty should be coming to realize how shitty his idea was soon. We got some planning to do," Rick grinned as he stood up. Cas sighed playfully at that before following after him.
It only took a few hours after Rick dragged Cas through a portal, a handful of juice boxes in her arms as she sat on his workbench. She tossed him one as he slumped back into his chair. He just finished the juice box as Morty suddenly appeared in front of them, screaming before he realized where he was. "Well, Morty, I think we've invented a little honesty today. How about you?" Rick said as he tossed the empty juice box behind him. Cas leaned back, supporting herself with her free hand while the other sipped at her own juice box.
"I don't deserve this," Morty said, sadly. "I was just having fun."
"So was Jeffrey Dahmer," Rick commented walking towards the garage door. "Speaking of, time to pay the piper," Rick opened the garage as a bunch of SWAT vans, helicopters and protesters pulled up. Cas got of his work bench, eyes widening as she stood next to him, still sipping her juice box.
"Morty Smith, come out with your hands up, you sick fuck!" One of the SWAT members shouted. "We're also fine with just shooting you if you wanna suicide by cop."
"What? What is this?" Morty asked, looking out in a mixture of fear and confusion.
"Wow. Looks like a SWAT team, some drug dealers, some grassroots MeToo activists, the ACLU - Jesus, Morty, The AARP?" Rick listed off, Morty quickly refusing the talk about the last one. "The NAACP, GamerGate... Morty, is that Supreme Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor?" Rick continued, partially shocked by how much Morty actually did.
"I'm sorry! I-I'm sorry!" Morty cried out, "I-Is that what you want me to say? What, what do I do?"
"Oof, well, I'm stumped. Seems like there's no way out of this one." Rick said in a sarcastic tone, "Unless..." He leaned forward to look out the garage, Morty following his gaze. In the front lawn, the same vat of fake acid from earlier sat. Cas almost snorted at that but held it in for Morty.
"God damnit," Morty swore as his worried face dropped.
"Yeah, I guess it is, uh - what did you call it? Uh, uh, a shitty idea?" Rick smirked as Morty walked towards the vat with his blank face. "Say the vat is good." Rick demanded.
"The vat is good," Morty reluctantly replied.
"Kiss the vat," Rick demanded again as he put his arm around Cas, who handed him another juice box. Morty held up his middle finger toward Rick as he did what Rick said.
"Do not go into that vat," The SWAT man shouted. "It appears to be full of acid."
"It is! Please, he's just a little boy," Rick acted. "Let us talk to him," Rick pulled Cas behind him and up to Morty. "Morty, please. Step back. That vat is full of acid. It'll melt you completely leaving only your bones."
"God damn it," Morty swore again.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Rick poorly acted, cupping a hand over his ear.
"I'm going in the vat," Morty said loudly before falling into the vat of green liquid.
"Oh! God! Oh, I blame myself," Rick said with the same mocking tone. Cas put a false shocked look on her face, "Oh, what a tragedy. Oh, well he's bones now. I guess all debts are paid."
"Agreed, he's definitely dead," one of the crowd members said after the gathered around Rick, Cas and the vat.
"Why else would the bones come up?" Another said.
"While his actions were horrifying and we are well within our rights to be outraged, I do wonder if we bare some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid," a third crowd member said. "Are we here for justice... or something else?"
"Though justice be thy plea, consider this, that in the course of justice... none of us should see salvation," Judge Sotomayer quoted. "We do pray for mercy," She finished.
"Shit, that's deep," Cas commented. "Merchant of Venice, nice. Very cool. Lots to think about," Rick added.
"Vengeance is a tomb, all-encompassing-" Another crowd member began.
"Alright, okay, this isn't a poetry reading, a kid just died," Rick interrupted. "Everybody go home and hug your loved one or something," Rick told them before glancing down at Cas as they left. She had a small smile on her face as if she was expecting something from him. "Don't push it, Cassie," Rick told her as two of the SWAT members came up to the vat.
"Wait, how do we know that's really acid and you didn't just have someone's bones in there?" One of the SWAT team asked.
"I mean, if you're doubting if that's really acid and not just jacuzzi heated Mountain Dew, you're welcome to use this ladle." Rick grinned, pulling the ladle from his coat with his free hand. Cas snorted at that, leaning into his side.
"You think I'm a goddamn idiot?" The guy snapped, "I brought my own." He pulled his own ladle out of his vest, making Cas furrow her brows.
Cas' eyes widened as instead of shooting the ladle, Morty's shot hit the SWAT member, splashing the fake acid all over the second one. "Oh, god! Oh, God no!" He shouted before realizing nothing was happening. "Huh? I'm acid proof! Fuck all of you, fuck all of you, I'm gonna be rich!" The man cheered, "Here's my ass! Take a good look, spank it! Acid proof!" The man continued, pulling his pants down and awkwardly walking away.
Cas opened her mouth to speak, yet Rick stopped her. "Just let him. Feels like that guy had other stuff going on," Rick shook his head. Morty emerged from the vat, gasping for air loudly. "Don't ever make fun of me again. Ever! And don't ever bring my girlfriend into it either!" He added quickly, making Cas grin. "Come on, let's go home," He grumbled as he shot a portal.
"Wait, what? This, this isn't our reality?" Morty asked, climbing from the portal.
"What, you think I'd waste our home teaching you a fucking lesson?" Rick asked, "I am gonna miss this place though. Johnny Carson's still alive and on the air, 9/11 never happened, and Rocky Road ice cream has peanut butter instead of marshmallows." Rick sighed and Cas gave an impressed look.
"Damn, that's pretty genius of them to put peanut butter in it," Cas commented.
"The fuck? The marshmallows are the best part!" Morty complained as they went through the portal.
"Marshmallows are not meant to be cold!" Cas argued.