Drinking tea was a strange experience. It wasn’t the slightly bitter taste of Twinings Earl Grey, but the context. Matthews was sipping his while flipping the pages of yet another newspaper. He seemed to have plenty of those. Tilia was looking at me, her eyes wide open and a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. I made a funny face and she spluttered milk over the table.
It was a weird yet homey atmosphere, and I felt like I’d known them for much longer than I had. Of course, I didn’t know much about Matthews, but his daughter’s presence made up for that deficiency.
Matthews chuckled as Tilia tried her best to wipe the table. I unfolded my napkin and helped her, which in the end resulted in some kind of battle of who would wipe most.
She giggled a lot, and it was contagious. Even Matthews, who I had assumed never wore a genuine smile had surprised me throughout the day. He clearly loved his daughter, and I could understand why.
“Daddy, can we play in the snow more?”
“Don’t you think it’s a bit late for that, Tilia?”
“No Daddy!”
Matthews checked his watch and sat back in his chair. He seemed indecisive. It was dark outside, but it wasn’t very late.
“Perhaps you should ask Ethan, Tilia. He got pretty soaked before, do you think he wants to get wet like that again?”
Her blue orbs settled on me. “Ethan, do you wanna play in the snow?”
I was warm, fed and as content as I’d ever been while sober on a Saturday night, and the snow didn’t look very appealing at all. However, it was very difficult to form the word ‘No’. She had quite some sway, that little girl.
Matthews cleared his throat. “Tilia, I think he wants to watch a movie instead.”
I let out a relieved sigh. Yes, that would be much better. It was the next best thing after going home, and that didn’t seem likely considering the amount of snow that was still falling from the heavy clouds.
“Can we watch Frozen?” Tilia asked.
I wasn’t surprised.
“Are you sure there’s nothing else you’d like to show Ethan while he’s here?” Matthews took another sip from his tea-cup.
“No, I wanna watch it again. Right, Ethan?”
“We should,” I replied, because this time I didn’t have any problems with letting her have her way.
She clapped her hands and repeated ‘Yes, yes, yes’ until Matthews told her to calm down. She pouted, but sat down on her hands.
“I’ll make dinner while you’re watching the movie. Just keep her entertained.” Matthews started to collect the cutlery. For a second I fidgeted and tried to remember what to say. I wanted to be of help, but I didn’t know how. When my thoughts were clear enough to suggest that I’d take care of it, he’d already collected everything and was moving toward the kitchen.
“Ethan.” Tilia’s soft voice made me turn her way.
“Yes?”
“Do you think Mommy will come back?”
My chest constricted, like a cold hand settled around my heart and squeezed it hard. I forgot to breathe. I recognized something in her voice that made it all much worse. She was abandoned, just like I had been. And what did I answer. I didn’t have a clue.
Even as I child I had known when adults lied to me, and I had heard the term ‘I don’t know’ so many times that I knew the words held nothing. She would know that too.
“What does your father say?” I asked to buy some time, also, I was curious. It was distasteful of me, but who wouldn’t be curious? Something had happened with her mother, and at some point I would have to know.
“Daddy says not to talk about mommy yet.”
That wasn’t the reply I wanted, if anything, it made the situation worse. I had no response to that, and it made it even more awkward to approach Mathews on the subject.
“Did you know Mommy?” she asked when I didn’t reply. She stood just half a meter away from me, staring up at me with a confused kind of longing. She longed for a parent, and for some reason she was reaching out for me.
My mind swirled. I couldn’t be that sort of parent. I wasn’t fit for the role. But even so, I kneeled down and pulled her in for a hug.
She was tiny. Delicate.
“I didn’t know her, Tilia. But if you want to talk about her I can listen.”
Tilia sobbed, just as Matthews entered the room. I saw him standing in the doorway, peering in. He didn’t smile this time when he saw his daughter, instead he looked ready to knock down a wall.
“Should we watch the movie, sweetheart?” I asked, partly because I didn’t know how to deal with her tears, at least not while he stood there. He didn’t seem ready to face his daughter’s sorrow, and I was starting to think that whatever had happened to Tilia’s mother was something that tainted this small family every minute of the day. It was oppressive.
Tilia snuggled closer and whispered, “Yes, can you carry me?”
I did as she said, holding her close to my chest and tried to stand. She wrapped her legs around me and held her arms around my neck. She was still sobbing, but not like before. I knew she was embarrassed about them, and that she didn’t want me to acknowledge that tears ran down her cheeks in two steady streams.
Matthews moved out of the way before she saw him, retreating back to the kitchen without a word. I decided that I had to ask him later, even if it was a touchy subject. If I would work here, I had to know. And right now, I really wanted this job. Not for Matthews, but for Tilia.
One part of me knew that I would be terrified come morning. I would be scared of the fact that I latched onto her just as she latched onto me.
Finally upstairs I settled her in the sofa, and we started to watch the movie for the second time that day. Twenty minutes in, I realized that my fingers wouldn’t stop fidgeting. I was scratching my arms, tugging at my sleeves, and biting into my chafed lower lip. I had to ask him. My mind wouldn’t shut up, instead it chanted the question over and over again. Where was Tilia’s mother?
“I’ll just go downstairs for a bit. I’ll be back,” I told her. She didn’t react with more than a fleeting glance that told me that she’d heard me. Making my way downstairs, I had to keep myself steady in order to stay on my two feet without falling. My knees were shaking and it made it hard to walk. I didn’t want to ask Matthews, but I had to do it.
I steeled myself and stepped into the kitchen.
Matthews was stirring a large pot on the stove, but as soon as I cleared my throat he looked up and took a step back. He knew what I wanted. I could see it in his eyes.
“I’m not ready to talk about it just yet, Ethan.”
“Then at least tell me what to say to her when she asks.”
“Tell her that Daddy loves her very much, and that I’ll always be there to protect her.”
“That’s not enough, Matthews.” It was the first time I’d said his name like that, and I could see how his face twitched. He hadn’t expected me to use his name so casually, and he’d certainly not thought that I would tell him that I didn’t agree with him.
“I know it’s not.” His eye became hard. They made me want to back down and say ‘I’m sorry’, but this time it wasn’t about me, it was about a young girl who deserved the truth, even if it was an ugly one.
“Then come up with something better.”
Matthews closed his eyes and took a deep breath. I knew that one. He was trying to calm down. For a brief second I was afraid he would strike out and hit me, but it never came.
“Try to avoid it for now. I will tell you when the time is right.”
“And when is that?”
His eyes turned pained, and I wished that I hadn’t asked.
“When I know what actually happened.”
I wanted to reach out and hug him; to hold him tight when the sadness shined with such bottomlessness in his eyes, but I couldn’t move. I seemed to have forgotten how it was done.