"Can I kiss you?" She whispered
Yes! I wanted to scream but my vocal chords betrayed me, instead I lay looking into her eyes feeling lost but so desperately trying to find my way. In this tender moment I wanted nothing more than to feel her soft lips against mine but my heart raced and I felt too vulnerable to have her touch me right now. I looked towards her lips, they were a little wet from the tears that had ran down her face. Normally I would be put off by this but I don't think I could ever be put off by Olivia's lips.
It's okay Liam. She's not going to hurt you, you can trust her.
I timidly nodded my head, like it was the heaviest thing in the world to move and held my breath as she moved her body closer to mine very slowly. She gently placed her hand on my cheek and hovered her lips over mine, giving me a chance to adjust to her new found delicious proximity.
In that one true moment of connection, I closed my eyes and poured everything out through my own lips. In a achingly slow, seductive moment she accepted my vulnerability and recieved my outpour of emotions. She kissed away my damaged and help repair the small cracks in my soul.
Desire took over all of the darkness and my hands went wandering up her hoodie, wanting to feel her soft warm skin against my fingertips. I gave her my everything, let her in and she accepted me. It was powerful but rendered me powerless at the same time. Her body moved beneath me, grinding against my own and I wanted nothing more than to strip her clothes off completely and feel that body squirm and shiver under my touch. The sexual sounds escaping her lips spoke directly to my bulging groin as I gently teased her skin with my delicate fingers. I felt a burning hunger for her, stronger than any hunger I've ever felt in my life. I felt her hands explore the hem of my t.shirt and I felt the darkness attempting to roll back in.
No, not now. Let me have this. It's okay Liam, it's okay.
The material of my shirt slowly started rising, allowing the coldness of the night air to hit my skin like snow storm bringing formidable danger. Mindlessly I stopped kissing her, halting my tongue in her mouth like an unwanted and unwelcome passenger. My body froze stiff beneath her as the fear clawed at my throat and the bile climbed higher in my stomach threatening to over spill. Very warily she pulled away from the kiss, breaking our contact and giving me the space I needed to recover from my damage.
In my mind I silently counted, concentrating on the numbers instead of the fear, conscious of her watching my ongoing struggle. The demons in my mind called me broken beyond repair, no matter how much I wanted her there was mental block that prevented things from going too far, one neither her or I are going to be able to break down.
"You shouldn't of done that." I panted out.
"I'm sorry. I took it too far." She said nervously chewing her lip.
But I wasn't meaning towards her reaching for my shirt, I was meaning about the kiss in general. When we kiss I lose my control and then the fear comes in to remind me how fucked up I am.
"The kiss" I clarify.
With the dark fog slowly lifting from my mind and everything becoming a little clearer I realize that I have to explain myself to her, let her know why we can't be together even though tonight we both admitted we have feelings for one another. Nerves started pricking up in the pit of my stomach and I could help but rub the back of my neck.
"Liv... what I said, it was all true. But it doesn't mean anything can happen between us. I'm not made for relationships, I've already hurt you once. I just freaked out when we kissed. I can handle physical pain but I don't think I can handle emotional pain. I'm just broken."
If she went away again, I think I would die.
"I want more than just friendship, I want to try. It will be hard but I trust you, do you trust me?" She said with a hopeful tone that couldn't be mistaken.
Did I trust her? Yes.
Did I want more? Yes.
Could I give her more? I don't think I'm capable of that.
But I answered her question, letting her know without a trace of doubt that I trusted her. I just wasn't confident in the 'more.'
"Then let's try. I'm not asking for a relationship label or commitments. I just want a little more. We can date and see how things go, there will be a little more intimacy but not too much. If you're uncomfortable we can stop and just go back to normal. But only after six hours because I need to out do Ruby."
She spoke her words like they rolled off her tongue so easily, but the impact of them left a fluttering of apprehension inside of me that I couldn't shake off. A little more intimacy. Those four words were the scariest words I could hear being spoke to me. The blood rushed around my body, frantically pumped by my beating heart and left a buzzy feeling in my head.
"Will you try?" She encouraged, waiting for my answer.
A little more intimacy. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. She knew I struggled with intimacy, she knew I didn't like to be touched unexpectedly. I trusted that she would go easy on me, ease me into it. But committing to it was just as hard as telling her I had feelings for her, if not harder. Olivia was my beacon of light in the darkness, she was my hope when I felt helpless. If anyone was capable of piecing me back together, it was her. I didn't want anyone else. I didn't trust anyone else.
"Yes." I whispered, before I backed out.
She lay down next to me with the biggest smile on her face, one that reminded me of the portrait in my bedroom. The kind of smile that made my insides glow like the rising sun. I tapped my chest and she cuddled in closer, laying her head on my chest.
As the flood lights dimmed down and the sky became painted with a ray of beautiful colours, we lay together relishing in each others touch. I stroked through her glossy blonde locks and let her tame the raw feelings I still felt inside. With only the fluttering sounds of singing birds breaking through our comfortable silence we lay for minutes, or hours, I don't know.
***
We sat in the cafeteria eating scrambled eggs and bacon, her friend asked her where she was night and it suddenly dawned on me that everyone is going to expect things of our new found relationship. They're going to find it strange when we're not hanging all over each other or hooking up. Questions are going to be asked that we didn't have the answers to, without telling them how damaged I am of course.
Zak, Jordan and Ben joined us at the table, all with beaming faces and before they opened their mouth I knew where this conversation was going to go.
"So Zak had Penny, Ben had Delilah and I had Grace. How did you do?" Jordan asked with a smug look on his face and fleeting his eyes between Olivia and I. Basically he was directly asking about our sex life.
It had started already.
I just shook my head, not bothering to stop eating and hoped that would deter him away from questions about Olivia, in front of Olivia. He looked at me waiting for me to elaborate more and the longer I took with my silence the more his face grew in shock.
"You didn't hook up with anyone?" He screeched in a high pitched tone.
Zak dropped his food from the mid air and three of them scorned their eyes into me like I was an alien from out of space with three heads and toe coming out of my nose.
"No." I said bluntly.
"Nobody at all?" Zak sounded out the words on his tongue like they were poison.
So my friends knew I was heavily into Olivia, but they've known me most of my life. They know that since I lost my virginity I've hopped from girl to girl like sex was an unbreakable habit or an addiction for me, but really it was just an escape. When these girls stopped being enough I didn't tell them because I didn't understand it myself. When they assume I've been with a girl I don't tell them otherwise. When they hear rumours about me hooking up with someone, I don't correct them. But to have them sit here and question my personal business with Olivia right next to me and her two friends, who I hate is irritating.
"Would you drop it? I didn't hook up with anyone." I say through gritted teeth.
"Chill bro. Reckon that crowns Zak as the winner then. Crazy Penny thinks she's a martian, don't get much more of a loser than that." Jordan said, dismissing my annoyance.
The group chatted around the table amongst themselves but I got lost in my own mind, feeling the pressure of this arrangement already. Not from Olivia but from our friends. It was only a matter of time before they encouraged us to do something I was ready for. It was only a matter of time before Olivia hugged me and I freaked out in front of everyone.
You're setting yourself up to fail Liam.