CHAPTER 04:
ROGER RABBIT
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Taina wasn't sure how Dolores endured lewd comments like this all day from male patrons who didn't respect boundaries. But being hit on by a toon baby was a new one for Taina. She wasn't going to degrade the man because he was a baby, but what she was going to do was get up and leave. Baby Herman's little legs were going to have to do triple time to keep up with her. Luckily, he hadn't gotten the bright idea to follow her.
Taina quickly scurried herself across the street and into the apartment building, climbing the flight of stairs, and then briefly doubling over from just going up two flights, clearly out of breath.
"I need to exercise more," huffed Taina.
Taina hadn't bothered fumbling around for her keys, Eddie was likely to keep the door open whether he forgot to lock it or just didn't care that much. As her hand reached for the door, screams sounded on the other side of the door. Taina was barely going to bat a lash at it, thinking it was just her uncle overreacting about something again, but there had also been a high-pitched scream. Taina calmly opens the door to reveal her disheveled and fuming uncle and Maroon Cartoons star, now murder suspect Roger Rabbit, standing in their apartment.
"What's going on?" asked Taina. As much as this whole ordeal didn't involve her, she was too invested—and too nosey—for her own good. This case was just like those murder mysteries she would read in high school, except this was a real case, and the potential murderer was in her apartment.
"I needed a place to hide," said Roger, while Eddie glared at him. "I'm in trouble, and I need your uncle's help!"
"So, I hear," snarled Eddie. "I'm not helping, and neither is she! Even talkin' to you could get us a rap for aiding and abetting."
Taina didn't want that. So maybe keeping her mouth shut for once might do her some good.
"Don't worry, Eddie, no one knows I'm here," assured Roger.
Eddie found that hard to believe. It wasn't everyday he had toons breaking into his apartment for help anymore. "Oh, yeah? Then how'd you find my house?"
"Well, I asked the newsboy on the corner. He didn't know. Then I asked a janitor, the fireman and finally the greengrocer down the way. He was very helpful," explained Roger without a thought. Taina blankly stared at the rabbit. He really ran his mouth to the whole block, not even worried about the police, or Toon Patrol, catching him in the process, practically leaving a bread trail once they sniffed it out and found him at their residence. She has met plenty of idiotic people who lack self-awareness, but this was a new level.
"In other words, the whole goddam world knows you're here!" yelled Eddie. "Out! Get out!" Eddie tries to open the door, but Roger blocks it, spreading himself out like a spider, arms and legs extended.
"Please, Eddie, don't put me out," pleaded Roger. "I didn't do it, I swear."
Eddie gives up trying to open the door and grabs Roger, pulling away as Roger stretches like a piece of bubble gum. Finally, Roger snaps off like a broken rubber band. Taina watches them go tumbling backwards, staying clear of the man and rabbit heap. Eddie makes a grab for Roger, but he slips out of his grasp like quicksilver and shoots straight for Taina.
"You get away from her!" shouts Eddie. Taina scurries to the pull-out bed.
"Sure, I wanted to win my little boy back, but not that way," continued Roger, trying to plead his case. Taina supposed he was filling in the blanks between his outburst and the murder. Eddie lunges for Roger but, like a rabbit, dodges him without trouble. "After I left you guys, I went to see him at the Ink and Paint Club." Eddie picks himself up and tries to catch his breath. "He was on stage, so I found a piece of paper and wrote him a letter." The rabbit pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and starts to read it. "Dear Jesse. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 1-1000, 2-1000, 3-1000..."
Taina sighs. It was a sweet gesture Roger was making for his son, but this letter was ridiculous. "Roger, this is lovely, but we don't have time for this."
"Wait, I'm almost finished—" said Roger. He was about to continue when Eddie leaps and seizes the rabbit by the throat, ignoring his niece's protests.
Eddie rips the paper out of Roger's hand and crumples it up and throws it down. Opening the front door, he throws Roger out and quickly slams it, exhausted and breathing hard. Taina snatches the paper, uncrumpling it, then neatly folds it, sticking it in her pocket. Suddenly, the flap to the mail slot opens, and in comes Roger like a limbo dancer. Eddie, who's too tired to chase him anymore, just watches.
That was something, thought Taina, somewhat baffled.
"Hey, that wasn't very nice," said Roger. Taina fishes the paper out and hands it to Roger and puts it in his own pocket. "It took me almost an hour to compose that. But I decided not to leave it anyway. I'd read it in person, that was my plan."
Eddie crosses the kitchen where the tiny dark room was set up. He opens the cabinet under the sink and screws open a bottle of scotch, pours a shot, and downs it.
"This is no time for day drinking, uncle!" said Taina.
"Bite me, Tina," mumbled Eddie. After taking another shot, he turns to Roger. "Look, pal, if you're still here when I finish this bottle, I'm callin' the police."
Taina races to the kitchen, snatching the bottle. "Then I'll make sure you never finish it."
"Give it back, you brat," growled her uncle.
Taina smirked, raising her arm so the bottle was far out of Eddie's reach. One thing for certain, she'd use her height to her advantage with him. "You want it, then leap, frog."
Eddie face grew red. He was about to yell his lungs out at her when Roger began to plead. "Please, don't call the cops! I'm innocent, I tell ya. The police'll just dip me. They were waitin' for me when I got him last night, so I ran."
"Roger that makes you more suspicious," said Taina, stilling holding the scotch over her head.
"But I'm a rabbit, we always run."
"That's it!" said Eddie, going around Taina and to the phone sitting on the counter end. He lifts the receiver and starts to dial. Taina sets down the bottle and goes over to press the button that hangs up the phone, but that didn't stop Eddie from jumping at her to back off. And she does, offended by how foul her uncle is acting.
"Well, this is the moment of truth!" cried Roger. "And I've spoken the truth, but you won't believe the truth. So, I guess the truth is my goose is cooked, my hash is slung." Eddie finishes redialing, and who was still holding his shot glasses, sits it on a picture on the counter. "Won't anything change your mind?"
Eddie turns from the pleading rabbit and sees something in the magnified photo under the shot glass that has caught his attention. Taina looks as well. The shot glass rests on one of the rejected pictures of Jesse and Acme playing pattycake. The glass that sits directly on Acme's dress pocket is a piece of paper headed "Last Will and Testament".
A silence falls and Eddie and Taina exchange a look before he slowly returns the phone to the cradle as Roger asked, "You mean you believe me?"
A terrible screeching comes, tires crashing to a stop. Roger races for the window and pulls back the drapes. His eyes bug out of his head in horror. "IT'S THE TOON PATROL!"
The Valiant's look out the window as well. The Toon Patrol wagon stopped in front of their building as the weasels piled out. One of them takes out a butterfly net from the back as another gets a bat, while the others get violin cases.
Eddie snatches Roger from the window. "Get from there!"
Elated, Roger jumps into his arms. "You're gonna help me? How can I ever thank you?" Roger then puckers his lips and plants a big wet toon kiss on Eddie's mouth. Taina gaps in shock.
Eddie yanks him off and wipes his mouth. "For starters, don't ever kiss me."
A pounding comes from the front door. "Police," calls one of the weasels in an accent Taina can't quite place.
"Tina and I will talk to 'em," said Eddie. "Find a place to hide." Roger zips to the closet door and goes inside. "Not in there, that's the first place they'll look." Eddie goes to the closet and opens the door to reveal Roger dressed in Eddie's trench coat and hat. Playfully, Roger snaps one of the handcuffs onto Eddie's wrist as the other is attached to his own.
"Eddie Valiant," said Roger in a low gravelly voice. "You're under arrest! Just kidding..."
"Now, why would you do that," said Taina, rolling her eyes.
"You idiot," seethed Eddie. "I lost the key for these cuffs."
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
A more impatient round of knocking comes. "Open up!" shouted the same weasel.
Taina quickly goes back to the kitchen, turns on the tap, plugs the drain, and starts unclipping some of the laundry hung to dry. She drops socks in and then rushes back to Eddie. "Put him here," she said. "Pretend your washing your socks or something."
Without warning, a symphony of gunfire comes, outlining the hand on the front door. It swings open to reveal five uniquely dressed weasels. Eddie and Taina act nonchalantly in the kitchen like they hadn't heard the pounding or shooting. Eddie calmly cleans his laundry while Taina thumbs through a women's magazine.
From what she assumes is their leader, a weasel in a pink suit beeline for Eddie, gun at the ready. "Hold it right there!"
"Hello, boy's," greeted Eddie. "I didn't hear you come in."
Taina snorts. One of the weasels point their weapon at her but she returns to her magazine as if nothing happened.
The lead weasel pulls one of the dining chairs to the sink, right next to Eddie. "Okay, wise guy. Where's the rabbit?"
Eddie shakes his head. "Haven't seen him."
The weasel turns to Taina, pointing his gun at her. "You, little lady. You see 'im?"
"Not likely," said Taina.
The weasel turns back and then starts to sniff. "What's in there?" He points to the soapy water in the sink.
Eddie pulls out a sopping wet sock, and grins. "My laundry."
The weasel makes a funny noise at the sight of it. "I see." He hops off the chair and goes back to his brothers who are waiting for instructions in the office/living area. Some of them eye Taina. "Search the place, boys. And leave no stone 'inturned'."
The weasels begin to search every nook and cranny of the apartment. Papers fly everywhere, old files thrown from cabinets, some of the old stuff on Teddy's desk was being moved much to Eddie and Taina's horror. No one touches anything on her father's desk. Taina had to stop herself from screaming at the tops of her lungs.
"Look, Valiant's, we got a reliable tip-off that the rabbit was here," said the lead weasel, taking his spot next to Eddie again. "And it was 'corrugated' by several others. So cut the bull-shtick." The weasel then jumps down and stalks to Taina. "Or does little miss over here have something to say about it?"
Oh, Taina had many things she wanted to say, but refrained from it. After all, they were still holding guns.
"Look, toots," continued the weasel, lust filling his eyes. "We can either do this the easy way, or the hard way."
Eddie, appalled, grabs the bar of soap, and said, "You keep talkin' like that, and I'm gonna have to wash your mouth out." He shoves the soap into the weasel's mouth as Taina 'accidentally' kicks down the stairs into the office area.
The remaining weasels burst out in laughter as their leader chokes on soap. Taina shamelessly joins in. He manages to compose himself, beating his brothers into submission, shouting, "Stop laughing! You know what happens when you can't stop laughing? One of these day's you'll die laughing!"
He gives Eddie and Taina one last warning before leaving, most likely too embarrassed to continue the interrogation. As soon as they're gone, Roger shoots up from the sink, spurting water everywhere.
"I thought I was a goner," he gasped.
"Me too," mumbled Taina.
Eddie, with the upmost annoyance present on his face, dries his hands and begins to grab his coat and hat. "He can't stay here." He then walks over to the closet and grabs his old beige trench coat, dragging Roger along with him in a watery streak.
"Well, it's not like he can be anywhere else, uncle," said Taina. She watched Roger wring himself out, creating a large puddle that she'll have to mop later.
"Come on, I have an idea," said Eddie, putting the trench coat on and looking at Roger.
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Tucked away into the kitchen of the Terminal Bar was Dolores preparing a tray of corned beef and cabbage. The radio blasted "Mares Eat Oats" until a newscaster interrupts:
"News Flash, Hollywood! Citywide Toon-hunt for Roger Rabbit, suspect in Acme slaying. Police describe him as short, cuddly—and psychotic."
Like a jump scare from a horror film, the 'psychotic' subject from the radio appears in the window, startling Dolores. "Mother Mary—!" she gasped.
Eddie and Taina poke their heads into the window next. Eddie scowling while Taina grinned, mostly likely at a joke only she was in on. "Open the window!" singsong Taina.
Dolores, who was still trying to control her heartbeat, opened the window at the odd sight of her boyfriend and his niece harboring a wanted criminal.
"Jesus, Eddie, is this who I think it is?" asked Dolores.
"Dolores, meet Roger Rabbit," said Eddie, taking the rabbit out of his coat.
Roger bows at the waist and takes her hand and kisses it like Charles Boyer. "Charmed, enchanted, pleasure's all mine."
Dolores snorts, pulling her hand away. "Where'd you find him?" she asked Eddie.
"In the mail," said Taina, looking through the cabinets for a snack.
"The Toon Fairy," said her uncle at the same time.
Spotting a plate of freshly shucked corn, Roger asked, "May I?" Before Dolores can answer, Roger grabs an ear, presses it to his lips and applies the typewriter method. When he gets to the end of a row, a loud BING sounds. All three humans stare at the rabbit incredulously.
"Oh my god," whispered Taina, chuckling as she opened a bag of pretzels.
"He's a riot," smirked Dolores.
"Oh yeah? Well, you're not handcuffed to him," grumbled Eddie, holding up his hand attached to Roger's scrawny one. "Anybody in the back room?"
"It's all yours."
Dolores leads Eddie and Roger to the backroom while Taina trails behind, still munching away on the bag of pretzels. Stopping at a door at the end of the hall, she unlocks it and leads them inside. It's a tiny storage room with an institutional metal desk, a cot, and assorted janitorial supplies stacked around. Dolores shuts and locks the door once everyone is inside. Eddie goes to a metal locker and digs through some tools, coming out with a hacksaw. Taina sits at the desk, propping her feet on the table as she watches her uncle sit on the cot and work to cut himself from the handcuffs.
"So," said Dolores. "you decided to help him after all?"
"I oughta have my head examined," said Eddie. He then turns to Roger who was fidgeting. "Will you hold still?"
Roger quiets like a child for a moment as Eddie saws feverishly. Then, Roger silently slips his hand out of the cuff and holds his side while Eddie keeps sawing.
"Does this help?" he asked.
"Yeah, that's better," said Eddie.
Taina, who was watching the whole thing, started to laugh through a mouthful. Eddie gives her a look and she wiggles her eyebrows, nodding towards the handcuffs. Eddie dismisses her, not caring for one of her games and continues to saw a couple more strokes before realizing what his niece was referring to. Eddie's face darkens. Scared after seeing the look upon his face, Roger sheepishly tries to recover by sticking his hand back in the cuff.
"You mean to tell me you coulda taken your hand outta that cuff at any time?" shouted Eddie.
"Well,no, not at any time," explained Roger. "Only when it was funny."
"And it was!" blurted Taina, laughing to her hearts content. Eddie looks about ready to smack Roger as the rabbit pulls his hand free once again and cowers out of range to Taina, sitting on the desk.
"Will you shut up!" he yells at his niece. Taina barely acknowledges and stuffs more pretzels in her mouth.
"Is he always this funny or only on the days he's wanted for murder?" asked Dolores, holding the other cuff for Eddie.
"My philosophy is if you don't have a sense of humor, you're better off dead," said Roger, matter-of-factly.
"Yeah, well," mumbled Eddie. "You just might get your wish."
"Can you get him out of it, Eddie?" asked Dolores.
"If I can find whoever wanted to kill Acme bad enough to get this," Eddie gave her the pattycake pictures that had been tucked away in the trench coat to Dolores. She examines it closely while Roger stands on the table, stretching his neck to get a better look at the photos.
"Acme's will," she said.
"So that's what this little drama is all about," said Roger. His neck retracted to his normal state.
"Wait," said Taina. "You didn't know Miriam Acme died?"
Roger nodded his head.
"Yeah, and I think Maroon plays a part in this—the part of sound mind, and your son the sound body," said Eddie.
"Why, I resent that innuendo!" challenged Roger. "My little boy is completely innocent."
Taina snorted. "Your son is many things, I guarantee you, but innocent is not one of them." She said to Roger who shook his head in disapproval. The young woman and toon rabbit quietly (surprisingly, since they are the least quiet people) begin to bicker.
"So, what's the scam, Eddie?" inquired Dolores, trying to keep the conversation on track.
"Maybe Baby Herman was right. Somebody wants Acme's property. Cack the old woman, pin it on Roger, and destroy the will," said Eddie, pulling the pieces into place.
Roger and Taina stop fighting and turn back to Eddie once he's said his name.
"The habeus corpus is thickening," said Roger, raising his eyebrow in thought.
"Yeah, except they screwed up," said Eddie. "I don't think they got the will."
"How do you know that?"
"Well, Acme had the will in her pocket that night at the club. It was gone in the morning when the cops found the body."
"Maybe they just took it out his pocket," suggested Dolores.
"Like for evidence, or something?" added Taina, through a mouthful.
"Then why'd they bother to crack the safe?" said Eddie. "You can drop a Mosler 90 from Mount Baldy and it won't open."
Taina shrugged in agreement.
"Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants Detective," mocked Roger. "Your logic is specious. What prevented Mrs. Acme from putting the will back in the safe before they killed her?"
"Because she's not forty feet tall. The safe was on the ceiling, remember?"
And here Taina thought someone dropped that safe on poor Miriam Acme's head with their bare hands.
Dolores whistles over Eddie's deductions. "Eddie, you still got it. Hey, tomorrow maybe I'll go down to probate court and see who's sniffin' around Acme's estate?"
"Yeah," nodded Eddie. The cuffs made a small snap as they broke, and somehow, he was able to get his hand free. "I'm gonna go rattle Maroon's cage." Eddie gets up, rubbing and cradling his wrist. "Come on, Tina."
Taina jumps from her spot and leaves the bag of pretzels, following her uncle to the door as Dolores unlocks it.
Roger begins to eagerly follow but Taina stops him. "What should I do? Who should I see? Where should I go?" he asked.
Eddie turns to Roger. "Nothin', no one, nowhere." He slams the door behind him.
"You don't have to be so mean," whined Taina.
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A hearse, and a line of black limos are parked by a nearby patch of grass as Eddie and Taina walk by. Several hundred feet ahead of them is the funeral being held for one Miriam Acme. Clustered around a gravesite are the mourners—toons of every stripe. Mickey Mouse comforts Minnie Mouse, Tom and Jerry, Heckle and Jeckle, Chip 'n Dale. It ranged from the famous to the not so famous in attendance. Taina can hear the eulogy being delivered in the familiar southern voice of Foghorn Leghorn.
"Today we commit the body of sister Acme to the cold, I say cold, cold ground. We shed no tears for we know that Miriam is going to a better place. That high, high, I say that high-larious place in the sky." Foghorn Leghorn then, dramatically, points skyward.
"Amen!" said the toons in unison.
Eddie and Taina make their way under a palm tree on the hill overseeing the funeral. From the line of black limos, another car pulls up and out comes Maroon. Eddie grabs Taina and moves them to the other side of the tree as Maroon passes them and starts wending his way through the crowd of toons.
Foghorn Leghorn nods to the funeral director, a pasty-faced man in a black mourning coat. The director starts to turn the crank, lowering the coffin into the grave.
"Give us a sign, sister, that you've arrived..." said Foghorn Leghorn.
Much to the funeral director's amazement, the crank starts plinking out the tune to "Pop Goes the Weasel". The toon mourners immediately notice it and join in.
"Round and round the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel..." The crank and song start going faster and faster. "The monkey raid it all was in fun. POP! Goes the weasel."
Without warning, half the lid to Acme's coffin flies opens and a harlequin clown BOI-YOI-YOINGS out. The funeral director faints, as the toon's sobs morph into laughter. The toons begin to leave, comforted by a funeral befitting a gag queen. They climb into their cars and screech off like the start of the Indy 500. One mourner remains at the grave though. Sitting in a chair and dabbing his eyes, Taina recognizes that red hair resting on his shoulders. She nearly didn't recognize him. It was Jesse Rabbit dressed in all black. Maroon steadily walks up behind him.
"So... trying to pull a fast one on me, huh?"
Jesse turns, startled. He stands and faces Maroon.
Eddie smiles and leans in while Taina watches with knit brows. This ought to be good. As the conversation between Jesse and Maroon begins, it's drowned out by the obnoxious noise from a lawn mower. The cemetery gardener rides around on a small tractor cutting the grass. Eddie furiously tries to flag him down as Taina gawks at the silent movie before her. Jesse and Maroon's conversation had quickly turned into an argument. There's accusatory finger pointing and all. In pantomime, Maroon gestures into his pocket as if describing the position of Acme's will.
Jesse tries to leave but Maroon grabs his arm. Now they're screaming at each other, and Taina starts giggling. Eddie waves frantically at the gardener to cut the machine off, but the gardener misconstrues it as a friendly greeting and waves back. Taina makes a shocked noise as she sees Jesse kick Maroon in the groin and stomp off to a red Auburn Speedster. Jesse jumps in and speeds away as Maroon staggers back to his car.
The gardener cuts the tractor engine when he pulls up next to the Valiant's. The cemetery goes still again. "Somethin' you want, mister?" asked the gardener.
"Not anymore," grumbled Eddie.