Sef's POV
"I'm afraid you can't play the piano just like before. Base on the oblique, anteroposterior, and lateral radiography views, you have phalanges fractures, some tissues are injured." Ipinapakita sa akin ni Dr. Melendez ang resulta ng diagnosis sa mga kamay ko mula sa screen ng Ipad. It looks worse than I imagined.
"You undergo acute reduction and as you can see, your fingers are immobilized from pinning the fracture with small wires to procedures with plates and screws. We are able to put it back together but it might won't work the same, anymore."
Parang hangin na dumaan lang sa kabilang taenga ko ang lahat ng sinasabi ng orthopedic surgeon na nag-opera ng kamay ko. Nakatiim-bagang ako habang nakikinig sa kanya at nakatitig sa mga kamay kong may mga maliliit na wire na nakatusok para maiwasan ang complications kapag naigalaw.
I'm thankful that I'm still alive. Hindi pa gaanong nagsi-sink in sa akin kung gaano kalala ang sitwasyon na inabot ng mga kamay ko. It doesn't matter. What's done is done and I can never undo the past. I can undergo therapy para bumalik sa dati ang functions ng mga kamay ko.
I passed out that night. I don't know how I got here in the hospital but I woke up the next morning with pain all over my body. I can not move my hands and my face is swollen. Namulatan ko si Asher na nagbabantay sa akin. My family and relatives are living in Switzerland.
"How long will it take for my hands to recover?"
"It will stay that way for 3 weeks. Then another 2 weeks with splinting and buddy taping. After that, you will have some follow-up examinations and consultations just to make sure that the surgery is accurately done. Then, you have to undergo therapy..." Madami pang ibinilin ang doktor pero wala na doon ang buong atensiyon ko.
"Did you tell Mom-"
"Of course! I have to! Look at you! You almost died, Sef!" nagtatagis ang bagang niya habang nagsasalita. Napapikit ako upon remembering what happened that night.
"They will be here in an hour." He informed me. Ilang minuto ang lumipas nang pumasok naman ang mga pulis kasama ang School Admin ng BCA. Hindi gaanong malinaw at kita sa CCTV di-kalayuan ang nangyari so I have to tell the authorities what exactly happened.
"I'm sorry that you suffered this within the school premises. I assure you that those who did these to you will be under proper disciplinary action and will face the cases charged to them." pahayag ni Dr. Matthew Ramirez, the BCA owner, and School Administrator.
"Thank you, Sir." mahina kong usal ng pasasalamat.
"And don't worry about the hospital bills, the school and those who did these to you will be held responsible. Dr. Melendez is a friend of mine and he assured me of your recovery." paliwanag nito.
Huminga ako nang malalim at tumango. That's actually the least of my concerns. He bid goodbye when the nurse entered to monitor my vitals.
"Can you check on Dionne? Nakauwi ba siya nang safe-"
"Bugbog-sarado ka na't lahat, siya pa din inaalala mo? What are you? A love sick puppy? Nagpabugbog ka pa para sa kanya?" He has heard the whole story a while ago, so he must be blaming Dionne for what happened to me.
"It wasn't her fault, okay? It happened-"
"Na pwede mong iwasan kung pinagana mo utak mo bago yang puso mo!" panenermon niya.
"And let her suffer, instead?! No!" Umiling ako at napangiwi nang maramdaman ang sakit at tila pamamanhid ng mga kamay ko.
"You got it bad, bro."napapailing niyang komento.
"Says the one who got kick out para kay Jaz-"
"That's a different story." putol niya sa sinasabi ko.
"If you're in my shoes, would you rather stay away, keep a blind eye and let Jaz-"
"No way! They have to kill me first before-"
"Exactly! We both wanted to protect the person we treasured." Paliwanag ko na ikinatahimik niya. My phone rang. Itinapat iyon ni Asher sa harapan ko. Dionne is calling. I wanted to answer it but-
"Aw... Baby is calling..." sarkastikong turan niya.
"Don't call her that!" naiirita kong sita.
"Should I answer?"
"Don't."
He groaned with exaggeration. "Wala kang balak sabihin?" Umiling ako. Wala din sana akong balak ipaalam sa magulang ko but surely, my bestfriend has told them already. Aside from that, they had been asked for permission about my surgery. May lahing tsismoso ang isang 'to eh.
Later on, my parents arrived. My Mom looked so worried and depressed. Halos hindi siya mapakalma. Kulang na lang yata ay turukan siya ng tranquilizer.
"My poor son..."
Napahinga ako nang malalim at pinigilang magkomento. She's treating me again like a baby boy. Hindi siya maawat sa pag-iyak at tila natatakot pa akong hawakan. I saw her put covers her mouth with his both palms to stop herself from gasping when she saw how bad was my injury.
"Mom... I'm okay-"
"No... no! You're not. I swear I'll make those bastards suffer the consequences of what they did."
"Let the police handle the case, Mom-"
"I'll talk to them. And I want to talk to the School Administrator!" Dama ko ang pagngingitngit sa kaloob-looban ni Mommy. Well. I'm an only child, I understand them. But, hey! I'm still alive and will surely recover.
"Dad..." tawag ko kay Daddy na tahimik lang. He's not showy like Mom. But I know, deep inside he's worried too. I'm just like him. Calm and silent but a deep thinker. I'm sure he was thinking of what's the best next thing to do.
Lumapit siya kay Mommy at inakbayan. "Our son is a toughie, hon. He'll get through it. Just be with him and I'll take care of everything."
Naupo si Mommy sa tabi ko at tinanong ako ng kung ano-ano. I made sure I skipped the part that I protected Dionne that's why these happened. She will surely take it negatively. Lalo pa at alam niyang Dionne is my girlfriend and that she had a hunch that she's the reason why I chose to stay and study here.
"I've talked to Doctor Melendez on our way here and he said it would be impossible for you to take a prep course for Med. Your fingers will take years to be healed but there is no hundred percent that it will function just the same-..." malungkot na wika ni Mommy.
She knows I wanted to be a surgeon since I was in Grade four nang first time na magka-cardiac arrest si Tita Della, kapatid ni Mommy, who happened to be my favorite Aunt. Since then, I promised I'll become a surgeon someday and I'll operate on her personally. Kaya nakahiligan kong manood at magbasa ng mga Medical books na siya mismo ang bumibili.
"Mom... If it's for me, then I'll get through it. But if not, then maybe it's not meant to be." malungkot kong pahayag. It's not okay for me! It will never be! Nagsisikip ang dibdib ko at umigting ang mga panga ko. I so wanted to punch those assholes but- thinking about Dionne, calmed me. Napaiyak ako sa frustration, thinking that the surgery won't be successful and my hands will never function well. I saw my dreams crashing down.
Pinunas ni Mommy ang mga luha ko at hinaplos ang pisngi ko. "We will do everything to get your hands be healed, okay, son?" punong-puno ng assurance ang boses ni Mommy kahit na pati siya ay naiiyak na din. I smiled sadly and closed my eyes hoping this is just a nightmare.
But reality hurts. More than a month had passed. I went through hand surgery and therapy. Naigagalaw ko na ang aking mga daliri pero hindi na gaya ng dati. Minsan namamanhid at minsan nabibitawan ko pa rin ang ilang bagay na hawak-hawak ko. Pabalik-balik ako sa hospital for re-examination and consultations. And the best advise is to continue the therapy and take time.
"Sinisisi nila yong baby mo kasi siya daw nagsumbong sa Tatay niya na may relasyon yong ate niya at yong kuya nong isa sa bumugbog sa'yo."
My parents are with me before, during, and after my operation and recovery. They headed back to Switzerland for their works but I decided to finish the graduation and promised to follow them once I'm done with my business at BCA. Laking pasasalamat ko that Asher is here with me to assist me with my needs. He volunteered and I don't have the choice to refuse.
Labag man sa loob, I turn down the scholarship at UP. Maliwanag ang sinabi ni Doctor Melendez, my orthopedic surgeon, that it is impossible for me to pursue my dream given my current situation. I'm done sulking at my fate. Tanggap ko na. Tanggap ko na kahit gustuhin ko, hindi pwede. Hindi kakayanin. It can even complicate my injury and might leave a permanent disability.
I blame those people who did it but I never blamed Dionne for what happened. When I asked Asher to investigate the case, I got this information. And it will surely put the blame on Dionne. I know her. She'll never forgive herself. Sisisihin niya ang sarili niya sa nangyari. At ayokong mangyari iyon.
"Her father blocklist the guy at hindi makapasok sa kahit anong school dito sa bansa. He sent Dionne's sister in California, and committed suicide after a week. Itinago iyon ng family niya at pinalabas na aksidente and nangyari. Dionne doesn't know about-"
"Make sure she will never knew a thing." Napapikit ako habang nakasandal ang likod sa sofa. He's on another seat.
"How protective..."Sarkastiko niyang komento. "Kasalanan naman talaga niya-"
"Enough!" Nagmulat ako nang mata at nakita ko ang pag-iling niya habang nakatingin sa akin. Dinampot niya ang laman ng envelope na ibinigay niya sa akin at itinapon sa basurahan.
"Don't tell me you're staying?" naiinis niyang tanong.
"I'm not. I'm breaking up with her. Nakahanda na ang one-way ticket ko pa-Switzerland."
"Ows? Iiwan mo?" nagdududang tanong niya.
"I should."
"Good yan."
"But, will you-"
"No! Hindi pwede!" tutol niya agad.
"Di ko pa nasasabi, no na agad?"
"Will you look for her? Will you take care of her for me? Will you-"
"How did you know?" kunot-noong tanong ko.
"Been there. Done that." Tinatamad niyang wika. Tinawanan ko siya.
"At least you know how it feels. Thank you."
"I never said yes."
"You love me. And because I love Dee, you must take care of her para sa akin. That's what are friends for."
"Mukha mo. Friendship over. Balik na ako ng Korea." Biro niya but I know better.
I wake up the next morning because of my ringing phone. Dionne has been calling me for the past few days a hundred times already. She's pretty persistent. She hasn't heard anything about me after the incident.
Mabuti na lang at natapos ko nang maaga ang lahat ng requirements ko, research papers and thesis before the accident happened. But I took special exams sa ibang subjects ko for our finals. I thank Sir Ramirez for taking care of everything even yong cases ng mga college students na nambugbog sa akin. The incident was kept private as much as possible gaya ng hiniling ko.
"Why aren't you answering my calls?!"
"Baby..."
"I missed you..."
I wanted to tell her that I missed her too but it will only complicate my intention about the break-up.
"I hope okay ka lang diyan..."
"Pasalubong pag-uwi mo ha..."
"I'm done with my defense! Kung nandito ka dapat magcecelebrate tayo eh!"
"Hoy, magrepy ka naman."
"Pag di ka nagreply, break na tayo!"
"Bibilang ako ng hanggang lima..."
"One, two, three, four, six...Jk. Di ko kaya. Love you..."
Natawa ako at napailing sa kalokohan niya. She loves me that much. Now, I'm in a dilemma as how to break up with her. Yong hindi ko pagpaparamdam sa kanya ng ilang linggo must be enough, right?
"I'm breaking up with you." Walang madali sa pakikipaghiwalay lalo na kung mahal mo pa ang isang tao. But I have to. I need to. Or else she will find out. I don't wanna see her miserable. I don't want her blaming herself and making decisions that are irreversible. May pagka-impulsive pa naman siya.
I want her to live, dream and succeed. The thought of giving her the chance to be better is enough motivation for me to do this.
"Is there a hidden camera here?" Her forehead creased bago luminga-linga. "Prank ba 'to? Sef, hindi ako natutuwa." She pressed her lips and crossed her arms in front. She's mad. And she's still cute! Damn! Na-miss ko siya but I can't move and hug her no matter how I longed for her.
"What's wrong?" tanong niyang muli nang hindi ako nagsalita at nanatiling nakatitig sa kanya.
"Who said I'm kidding?" God! I tried so hard to sound and looked so serious that she will never think otherwise.
"I fall out of love. I'm sorry." I never gave her the chance to ask me again. Iniwasan ko siya. But she confronted me and told me to help her get over me. Imagine that? She had this "unloving Sef project".
I really hoped she succeeded on that project but everytime she sees me, she kept on crying. She even went to my condo unit at inakala niyang bakla ako lalo na nang abutan niya doon si Asher. Ang loko-loko, alam niyang si Dee ang nasa labas at kumakatok pero naghubad pa!
Hindi ko alam kung gusto niyang akitin ang ex ko o gusto niyang ma-turn off si Dee sa akin.
"Papa Sef..." maharot na tawag sa akin ni Asher nang naghahanda na ako ng mga gamit. I decided not to finsih the graduation rites anymore. I already gave my congratulatory speech to our class president.
"Stop it!" napipikang sita ko sa kanya. I'm afraid the more I stayed with her, the more I would want to take her pains away. So, I'd rather leave and let her live. Without me. Totally.
Natawa lang ang gago. "I wonder bakit patay na patay sa'yo si Dionne? She's pretty cute. And I'm cuter than you. Mas bagay kami." pang-aasar niya.
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. "Your cuter? But your Math grade is like a first grader. And FYI, ako first crush ni Jaz." Ganti ko sa kanya.
"Ito naman parang hindi tayo bestfriends niyan. Babantayan ko na nga di ba? Ano pa? Sige, itataboy ko lahat ng magbabalak manligaw."
"No need."
"Ows?" Napakamapagduda talaga ng lalaking ito kaya tuloy napagkakamalan minsang binabae.
"I've decided, I'm letting her go. I've got no plans of coming back." Hindi madali pero that's the best thing to do I think. I'm leaving hindi para palipasin ang nangyari. But I'm leaving so she will never know what happened. It's better we part ways, at least she's fine than to be together, then what? She will forever blame herself?
All those years na wala ako sa tabi niya, I know everything that has happened to her. Salamat kay Asher na kahit sinabi kong ayoko nang makibalita ng tungkol sa kanya, sinasabihan pa rin niya ako. He's pretty persistent. No wonder, nagkasundo sila ni Dionne. They became bestfriends, actually. And I envied Asher for that. Na sa lahat ng ups and downs ni Dee, naroon siya.
That should be me hugging and comforting her. Telling her and assuring her that everything will be fine. Well, I was there. Every step of her success. Watching her from afar. Watching her vlogs. At paanong hindi? Asher keeps on sending me her photos! I sometimes grimaced at the fact na siya lang ka-chat ko sa messenger!
I am expecting to see her because Asher gave me a heads up about her plans after their graduation. Nag-sponsor pa ng ticket ang magaling kung bestfriend! Feeling mayaman, eh kailan lang noong umuutang sa akin?
But no matter how I missed her and how I wanted to embrace her, the ghost from the past kept on reminding me of the reason why I left in the first place.
Ang hirap! God! Yong abot-kamay mo yong babaeng mahal na mahal mo pero hindi mo mahawakan, hindi mo mayakap, hindi mo mapatahan! I hated how destiny played on us! I hated how a single mistake in the past ruined everything in the future.
I'm doing fine. I learned to love photography. My fingers are okay. But I never tried to do the things I wanted to do before the accident happened. What for? My favorite Aunt passed away, 3 years ago. Mom and Dad are already retired.
Lahat ng ipon nila napunta sa hospitalization bill dahil sa heart complications ni Mommy. And I have to earn. Ang mahal ng cost of living sa Switzerland. Ayoko namang umasa na naman sa mga kamag-anak ko. Nahihiya na ako kasi feeling ko, nagiging pabigat na ako. I am a freelancer. I don't have a permanent work and I am not even a professional.
I was there during her Bulacan trip, sa Garden of Eden, where I took her photo na isinali ko for the photo exhibit. It was funded by Mr. Fernandez who happens to be friends with Tatay Xenon, the pastor I met when my cousin brought me to Germany for a week seminar in Arts. He's a painter too. Ang cool nga eh. He's a servant of God and he's so artistic. I've seen his works.
I've learned a lot of things about him. Especially about the God whom he serves. That moment, I felt the fire in my faith burning. I started to dream again. I started to believe and trust the one true source of success. It is God alone.
"To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue." bilin ni Tatay Xenon before we parted ways.
I have so many plans when I was young. But I never seek God's guidance and provision in any of those plans. And I learned my lesson well, the hard way. This time, I'm making it right.
I was also there during the opening of Watch Tower, courtesy of my bestfriend, Asher. I am so proud of her. She made it. Mas lalong lumayo ang agwat naming dalawa. She's already at the peak of her success while I'm still here, stucked in the past. Trying. Striving.
"You should be the one standing beside here, bro."Pagrarant ni Asher sa kabilang linya ng phone. I can see her in the stage habang nagpipicture-taking. Lumayo nang kaunti si Asher para kausapin ako.
"You're the business partner, not me." dagdag pa niya. Well, technically kay Asher nakapangalan. But all the decisions and paper works ay ipinapagawa niya sa akin. Because he doesn't want paperworks! What a lazy dog. Of course, 'yong supposedly sahod niya, dini-deposit niya sa bank account ko.
"I've done enough. Ang sakit sa ulo ng baby mo. Uwi ka na nga!" pagrereklamo niya.
Napangiti ako. "She's the pain I'll endure forever."
"Ews. Sagwa." Kunwaring nasusuka pa siya bago ako pinatayan ng tawag.
We meet again after many years sa photo exhibit. Our meeting didn't end well. I know, Im being an ass nang halikan ko siya bigla tapos hindi ko siya kayang panindigan hanggang sa huli. I can not blame her kung ayaw na niyang magpakita sa akin.
But I never expected to see her again in Sagada. I can not refuse Tatay Xenon when he asked me to go. And it felt like I needed to go. Nagulat na lang ako nang bumungad siya sa labas ng van. Tila galit at gusto akong palayasin.
"I'm leaving." I told her.
"Right! That's what you are good at. Umalis." Parang punyal ang mga salita niyang bumaon sa puso ko. It hurts. Pero totoo naman.
"You're right. I'm good at leaving. Because only then, you'll have your freedom from guilt." Hindi ko napigilang sabihin iyon. What frustrated me more is the fact that after the professional summit, we found each other stuck again under the rain. But the trip we had to Sagada is one of the best travel I'd always take.
What happened next is out of my control. I knew for a fact that I can never stay, not unless I sort things out. Unless I can endure seeing her in pain after knowing what really happened in the past that leads us to what we are now. To what I am now - a struggling freelance photographer. Because staying means, inflicting more pain on her once she finds out.
Dumating ang araw na kinatatakutan ko. I'm ready to leave. But my friends unexpectedly showed up. But the send-off party turned out to be a nightmare. I knew there's a ghost in my condo but it never came to me that Jaz will be possessed and that evil spirit will spill the beans to Dionne.
She heard everything and it's over! She walked out and she ran away. I caught her outside my condo's building. I can never take it back. Para siyang nawalan ng lakas nang mag-angat ng tingin sa akn. She's been silently crying.
I cupped her face and wiped her tears away using my thumbs. I felt her trembling hands touched my hands. At sa nanginginig na kamay ay hinawakan niya ang mga iyon at ibinaba. She looked at my hands. She even grazed those tiny marks and scratches. Bakas ng injury na tinamo ko noon.
"It's healed." marahan kong anas.
Naramdaman ko ang pagpatak ng mga luha niya sa palad ko. Hinaplos niya iyon at marahang pinisil-pisil.
"It happened. But it wasn't your-"
"It was my fault..." Her voice cracked and trembled. My heart hurts seeing how she cried over it. "Kung... hindi ako naiinggit noon kay Ate- France, she's the favorite, hindi ko siya isusumbong kay Dad-" paputol-putol niyang pahayag. She's breathing hard.
"Hush." Umiling siya nang akma kong patatahanin.
"Kung... hindi nakialam si- si- Dad, buhay pa sa-na siya, o-kay sana ang lahat. Hindi sana 'to- nang- yari sa-yo." She inhaled then exhaled raggedly. She's crying too much. "I'm - so-rry..." She breaks down. Part of me feels like dying how I see her weep over it.
"Dee, it's not! Nobody wants and asks for that to happen-"
"No- no-... I am not worth saving. Tama - siya. I- don't deserve to be ha-ppy. I deserve - to- die-" suminghot siya. Her eyes are bloodshot at namumula na din ang kanyang ilong.
Niyakap ko siya at sinubukang pakalmahin. Pilit siyang kumawala at lumayo sa akin.
"Don't." pigil niya nang tinangka kong lapitan siya. "Stay- right- there." utos niya sa akin.
Huminga siya nang malalim at marahas na pinunasan ang mga luha sa pisngi. "From now on... Stop caring for me. From now on... don't look after me." Tumingin siya sa akin at umiling nang akmang lalapitan ko.
Umiling-iling ako. "Dee..." I look at her eyes. Kung nahihirapan siya, mas lalo akong nahihirapang makita siya sa ganitong sitwasyon. " I love you-"
"Stop!" Sigaw niya habang humahakbang paatras. "Forget it! Forget me! Forget everything!" umiiyak na sinasabi niya.
"Close your eyes... and think of me as a dream." Halos hindi ko narinig iyon sa sobrang hina ng boses niya.
Something squeezed my heart when I saw the total surrender in her eyes, full of sadness, guilt, and regrets. But the moment I saw a gushing approaching car and heard the loud screeching of the car's wheel as it hit Dionne, my heart sank.
"Dee!"
♥