Lennon.
The doctor was talking but I couldn’t understand a word he was saying. My ears were blocking out any sounds, my vision was blurred and my body felt completely defeated. He wouldn’t look at me and that’s what hurt the most. My tears were hitting the fingers laced together on my lap rapidly. My shoulder jerked away from the doctor as he tried to place a reassuring hand on me. Harry’s back was facing me as he sat with his head between his knees on the chair on the opposite side of the room.
I felt like I was having a panic attack, the room started spinning, the sudden urge to be sick reappeared again. I was shaking intensely and I couldn’t stop it, I didn’t even try to, I couldn’t. My chest was aching as I tried to breathe but air wasn’t going in properly, I choked on any air that did try and enter my lungs. My head was going hot and cold restlessly, the sweat running down my face mixed in with my tears which were still free falling.
And he still wouldn’t look at me. I felt like I was dying and he couldn’t even offer a simple glance at me.
I reached out for him, struggling to say his name through my staggered breaths. I don’t know how my voice sounded or whether any words even came out, but it didn’t make any difference.
My wavering arms were halted when the doctor strapped an oxygen mask over my head. I still couldn’t breathe properly but it finally felt like air was entering my lungs again. I felt lightheaded, almost wanting to drop off the end of the examination table I had been sitting on for the past twenty minutes. The doctors hands gripped my shoulders at an attempt to calm me down but it only made feel worse. I didn’t want human contact unless it was from Harry. His hands quickly repelled when he noticed my sudden discomfort.
He was telling me to breathe, trying out different breathing techniques, demonstrating them himself. It was hard to focus on anything though. He blocked my view of Harry in an attempt to help me and though I hated him for it admittedly it began to work.
He wasn’t Harry, or anywhere close to being what I needed but ten minutes later my body had stopped convulsing and the weird sensation in my ears had disappeared. I had brief flashbacks of the psychopaths putting devices behind my ear drums which didn’t help with the sudden panic attack I just had. When the sound returned to normal there was a sense of relief flooding my body.
I tried, I really tried to listen as the doctor spoke about treatments that I could try but only one thing stuck in my mind at that point. And I wonder what it meant for Harry and I because of that. We’d never had a sit down chat about having children, neither of us were ready for anything like that but I’d seen him with Evan, he loved him. He was a natural with children and you could just see him being the perfect father one day, but I wouldn’t be able to give him that chance.
The doctor wrote down on a piece of card another appointment time for another meeting to properly discuss the options we had. For now he scribbled out a prescription for pain medication and handed it to me with sympathetic eyes. I took it in my shaky hands and slowly climbed off the table.
When Harry stood up his eyes were focused on the wall well above my head and he wasted no time in leaving the room. The great day we were having had suddenly come crashing down, why couldn’t have the doctor have waited until tomorrow? Why couldn’t he had given us one last day of complete happiness before destroying everything.
His face was pale, almost a slightly dull grey colour as he kept his focus on the cars ahead of us. I didn’t know what to say, what could I say to make any of this better? I was just one problem to deal with after another. I could imagine the thoughts running through his head. Will she ever let me just be happy? Is any of this worth it? Has this journey run its time?
I was being pessimistic but I was struggling to find a reason to even think positive right now. I hated myself, and I knew this was out of my control but I still hated anything to do with me. I couldn’t even decipher whether I was more upset with the diagnosis I had just been given, or the fact Harry couldn’t even look at me.
We reached the house in record time. I didn’t say anything when Harry drove twice the speed limit through the urban areas, something told me he either wouldn’t care or listen. I didn’t cling to the handrail on the door, I sat idly still and stared straight ahead. My eyes stung from the lack of blinking I had unconsciously forgotten to do, I was too busy concentrating on breathing properly so I didn’t have another panic attack. I wouldn’t be able to calm myself down and with Harry’s demeanour I wasn’t sure if he would help.
His car door slammed before I even opened mine fully. Someone opened the front door to the house, Niall and Louis, with Eleanor in tow came hurdling out the door. Harry didn’t greet them, he walked off back the way we had just come. I faced his disappearing figure. His shoulders were hunched forward until he ran a hand through his hair. My lip quivered as he abandoned the driveway and vanished into the darkness. I wanted to run after him but my feet were glued to the gravel underneath my shoes.
An arm was wrapped around my shoulder gently but comforted me nonetheless. I looked up to see the concerned face of Eleanor looking down at me. She wasn’t any taller than me but my knees were buckling under the pressure. Louis appeared next to her though his focus wasn’t on me, more so his best friend that had just faded away.
“Let’s get you inside,” she softly spoke into my hair. I was relieved she hadn’t asked what happened or why I was stood on the driveway crying. Even Niall had remained calm and quiet for once and though it was refreshing, I wanted him to say something to distract my mind for at least a second.
Her arm was still clinging onto me as we walked nonchalantly towards the house. The front door was still open and once inside the house was still, almost deadly silent.The building wasn’t empty, the presence of a full house was undeniable.
I stood up as straight as I could once we were inside the foyer, Niall closed the door quietly behind us and an uncomfortable silence had fallen upon us. Paul was stood in the foyer, his youngest child cradled close to him in his arms. That only made me want to scream more, but I didn’t. I looked away from him and towards the marble on the floor. I saw from the corner of my eye Louis offer Paul a shrug of his shoulders as if to say he didn’t know what was going on either. Niall would have told the others we had gone to the doctors and they had probably assumed something hadn’t gone to plan.
“You look like you could use a hot bath and some fresh tea.” Eleanor suggested and I didn’t argue back because in reality, that sounded lovely. I nodded briefly and followed her up the stairs towards the bedroom Harry and I had been sharing together.
She began running the warm water in the extensive tub situated in the bathroom. She disappeared for less than a minute and came bouncing back in with a bottle of bubble bath she must have taken from her own bathroom.
“This is my secret to relaxing. I use it a lot because these boys can be quite a handful,” she joked lightly. She poured the purple liquid into the bath and the sudden refreshing aroma of lavender and chamomile filled my senses. “You hop in and I’ll be back in a minute with some tea. Milk and sugar?”
I nodded in response and waited until she left the room.
I shivered automatically as I began stripping off my clothes. I felt exhausted to the point I wanted to skip the bath and dive straight into bed, though I knew the bath would do me good. The water was hot, my foot jerked back initially until it warmed to the temperature. I sighed softly as I sat watching the water fill up around me. There were enough bubbles to cover me completely and hide my body from the world.
Eleanor was back just as I had settled in, two cups of tea held tightly in her hands. She prompted for me to take one and I did so intently. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything, any of us anything if you don’t want to.” She calmly spoke. “Just know we’ll always be here for you if you ever need anything. Someone to talk to, someone to listen to or just someone to hug.”
“How do you do it?”
“Do what love?”
“How do you and Louis manage to have such a stable relationship? You’re never arguing, you never look sad and he looks at you as if you’re the only person in the world let alone room.” Comparing their relationship to mine only made me sadder.
“If you even think we’re on the same playing field with our relationships you’re bit a crazy.” She chuckled quietly. “And we do argue, but it’s normally over stupid things. Like who was the last one to use the TV remote. We’ve never been put in any situations that would interfere with our relationship.” She paused momentarily. “But you and Harry, it’s like someone is throwing you curve ball after curve ball but it’s not your fault. Don’t ever blame yourself for things you can’t control.”
“I feel like I’m always letting him down.” I admitted, hanging my head low.
“I don’t think you’ve ever let him down, I think it’s always been the opposite. I think he’s so in love with you sometimes he loses all sense of reality. And when he finds it again, it comes all crashing down at once.”
“I just want him to be happy and I’m scared I can’t give him that.”
“He’s happy, so happy. I’ve never seen him happier in his life since he met you. He might be sad or angry now but he’ll be back. I promise.”
Though I wanted to believe her promise, I wasn’t sure I could because they just seemed like words floating through the air rather than a commitment. She couldn’t control how Harry felt and neither could I, only he could.
Talking about your problems was supposed to make you feel better but I couldn't bring myself to spill to Eleanor. It wasn’t because I couldn’t trust her, I just didn’t want to think about it all over again. I focused on the remainder of the tea in my mug and cupped it closely to my soapsud covered body. She sat there comforting me with calming words, she spoke about the past times before I even knew anyone. She recalled stories of Louis and Harry acting like long lost brothers, Niall featured in a lot of the tales mainly for the entertainment factor. Liam and Zayn had always been the more self controlled of the gang. Apparently Zayn had told Perrie he wanted to attend university to earn a science degree but he put the gang, his family, before his ambition which I thought was truly heart warming. Zayn really was something else.
Once she was content I wasn't going to jump out the window, Eleanor left me alone and I was encompassed by the loneliness of the giant bed I was occupying. I chewed on my lip in the darkness, my ears were strained listening for the front door opening, but it never did when I was awake.
There wasn’t even a moon in the sky that night. When a cold rush of wind flowed through the bedroom door I couldn’t see who was there, I didn’t attempt to look either. I laid still, squeezed my eyes shut and waited. I heard him shuffling around the room, the sound of clothes hitting the floor was the last sound I heard before the mattress sunk down further.
He was still, I was still, the air around us was still. I could sense he was lying on his back as I was curled up on my side facing away from him. I jumped at his sudden contact against my skin. He sighed deeply and took his hand away. I panicked, I wanted his comfort and I didn’t mean to seem afraid of him.
The bed creaked from the movement on top of the mattress. His body heat was radiating against me instantly as he wrapped himself around me tightly. His legs tangled with mine under the covers, his arm held onto my torso tightly, the other running gentle patterns along my neck, shoulder and back. I could feel his breath behind my ear. One thing I wasn’t used to feeling was the small water droplets hitting my skin, these tears weren’t mine for once.
“I’m sorry..” He spoke only just above a whisper.
“Harry,” I replied at the same level. “I-“
“Please listen,” He begged quietly, his voice was breaking as he continued to let warm tears glide down my skin. “I love you, I’ll always love you no matter what.”
“I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want Harry.”
“Lennon, baby,” he carefully pulled the hair away from my face so it fell past my shoulder blades and down my back. “You’re all I want.”
“You’d be a great dad though and I can’t give you the opportunity. I’ve seen you with children, please don’t deny that you don’t want your own because I know you do.”
He didn’t say anything for a while which already settled that answer.
“I’m sorry for running when you needed me. I just,” he stopped to collect his thoughts. “I wanted to experience everything with you. I want to share all of me, with all of you. I wanted to travel to every continent on this Earth with you, drink champagne at the top of every tall building in the world, jump out of a plane with you. And then settle down, get married and have a family with you. I didn't think anything else could have possbily gone wrong."
His words hit hard because he had never been so open with me before and it only made me feel guiltier. The word married made my heartbeat tick faster for a second, the fact he had already planned out that far ahead made me wonder what else was hiding up in that brain of his.
“And we can still have all that, I want you Lennon. You give me all the happiness, love and trust I need and deserve.”
“But-“
“It’s not your fault, don’t ever think this is your fault. He said there was treatments we could try but there are other ways. It was really selfish of me to leave you like I did today. This affects you more than me, I need to start thinking before I act. I'm such a selfish twat."
“You're not a selfish twat, you're just hot headed sometimes." Most of the time.
“And we’re still young, we’ve got several years ahead of us before we even thinking about mini Harry and Lennon’s running around."
“You’re not mad at me?”
“Why on Earth would I be mad at you?”
“You don’t hate me?”
“You’re the one that should hate me.”
“I could never hate you.” I admitted. “Promise me you won’t ever leave?” My voice shook from nerves as the sentence left my lips. His grip around my body only tighter and I relaxed back against him.
“I promise, we’ll be together forever. Even when we’re getting kicked out of the nurse home for causing trouble.”
“I can’t believe we met over a bloody cake.” I laughed softly.
“Bloody good cake though, baker was pretty fit too.” I elbowed him and he grunted in response. “I really am sorry though.”
“Go to sleep Harry,” I smiled this time as I spoke, the room felt a lot warmer at the sudden change of emotion. His tears had stopped hitting my skin and his face settled into the crevice of my neck as we were both lulled into a tranquil state.