I was having a flood in my mind, and for a second I freaked out. I don't know why I was scared. She was there standing in front of me. The fear wasn't really about hiding but was about answering her. It was very hard for me to start a word. She might have been in shock but why would she even care? Do I care? Why am I unbearable to this pause? I know a moment with someone is like a pause we realize only after the moment's over but this wasn't such. I was constantly aware of her and the pause. I was confused about her feelings or her first words. I was waiting eagerly, I wished she would be the one to spell the first icebreaker. In my mind, all I was thinking was was going to freak out, get disappointed, or judge myself. But all in all, why do I even care? Do I like her? I have been with her, really, only with her, ever since we started our journey. But, is it enough to like or even be affected by someone? Am I overthinking or...
Suddey, she asked, "Was she Prakriti?"
It was an easy one. I just nodded, yes.
But the confusion was with her smile. She smiled. Didn't I get what I expected? Or, Did I get what I didn't want? I wasn't sure what was going on. I wanted her to act normal. Yes, she did. But was her acting normal an abnormal behavior? Do I want more? Will she ask more? Will she argue? But why the "smile"?
In all this confusion, I didn't reply to anything. She again asked, "Are you all right?"
I knew it was late already. I thought I should at least say a word. I replied like a deadlock PC.
"Yes, Prakriti"
"I also want to meet her." She replied in excitement.
This was all I wanted but somehow wasn't expecting.
"No she went, she is with her daughter. Let's go."
"Finally you met. I am glad about that."
"I think it wasn't that great."
It was strange to me. Meeting Prakriti earlier and now Smriti's reaction. I wasn't ready for this. I didn't talk much and headed towards the hotel. She was trying to get track of me but later she also didn't try.
After reaching the hotel, we went to our rooms and freshened up. She came into our room and they all started to plan the trip. They were planning to go to Sarangkot and then to Rupa Lake. At first, we were planning to drive in the Car itself but Vandy wanted to repair the dent. So we decided to take a ride. We rented three bikes.
Roshan and Kshitij got into one, they rode with each other in a condition to ride turn by turn. Vandy was a speedster, so Smriti wanted to ride with me. We rode quite a few times also in Kathmandu.
We started together but, we lost the company of boys. Smriti was enjoying the ride, time, and again she would spread her hands and close her eyes. I was looking at her from the rear mirror. I wasn't going too fast; trying to concentrate on the road and taking a glance at her from the mirror.
Although Smriti was trying to make the travel by talking about the places she saw, I wasn't into talking. Her normal reaction was bothering me. I wanted her to ask me questions and everything. She was trying to build a conversation but I wasn't giving her answers. She was furious about that.
She asked, "How was your meeting? What did you guys talk about?" and tried to put her ear as near as possible to listen to my answers. But I wasn't ready to get out of the thinking that she was fine. Now I have started to think about this. I started to realize, I may have started liking her. I remembered Prakriti's last text. It was after she was married and her daughter was around a year old.
...
"Hey, wassup I have heard you are doing good.. me too I am doing well.. keep it up "
I was a bit shocked and I realized how good of a person she was. She once promised she would text me once I had some jobs and doing great in life. I never imagined she would ever do that. But she did, I couldn't stop myself from praising her.
"thank you for keeping up the promise. Never seen a genuine person like you. May everything and the universe be with you."
"Still not moved on?? Move on and be a successful man"
"I am moving on. Just trying to keep up with the pace of life"
"You would never be able to find someone until you are stuck with me. You never know how beautiful the top of the hill is until you get there. Bye, Don't text me. And I am happy for you. :)"
...
I may have realized how, even after being on the hilltop. All I am doing is looking downhill. Maybe I am stuck with the pain in the leg from traveling the hill and it's time to enjoy the hill, moving on with the pain.
Smriti was blue and wasn't as excited. I made a huge mistake here. I should have talked. But I couldn't break the ice. We reached where the guys were waiting and we didn't talk that long on the trip, being together, for the first time. As soon as she got up from the bike, she went towards Vandy and said, "I will ride back with you."
I wasn't happy but I knew I was guilty.
Vandy asked her, "Why?"
She replied, "Maybe Kshitij will take me then."
"Okay, fine I will take you."
I wanted to share these things with someone. I wanted some answers, so I asked if Roshan would ride with me going back to Rupa Lake.
We had some tea and went to the tower. I tried to talk with Smriti but she was far from my reach. After spending an hour there, we rode back to the city and went towards Rupa Lake.
Roshan was talking about last night.
He asked, "Bro, you weren't feeling good yesterday right? What happened? Smriti was sad you didn't stay up."
"I wasn't feeling well. I also wanted to talk about something with you."
"Regarding Smriti"
I was surprised, how could he know the topic already?
"How did you figure out?"
"I have been noticing from the start of the journey. I think Smriti likes you."
"You wish."
"Bro. She constantly is around you and she listens to you and she was worried about you yesterday."
"I wanted to ask you something."
"Sure"
"Am I being stuck with Prakriti too much?"
"Are you still talking about that after 5 years? Bro, there's not even a single ray of hope left with that and you are still searching for a light."
"I don't know, I can't get rid of her. I mean, I have nightmares, I see her in my dreams, all the time. I can't possibly think of someone who can take her place in my life."
"What a pathetic loser you are. Do you really wanna see someone better than her, yet didn't give anyone a chance? Smriti is coming closer to you, she is caring to you and yet you don't see her as the alternative. Why would you even want someone to fill up Prakriti's shoe? Listen Hrish, we often compare between persons, but what we do not realize is one can't be loved or be in our life just because they are better than our past. Rather, the one who is in now should be good of their own and I can't see a better person than Smriti for you. She might not be perfect and she might not be better than Prakriti too but She will always be Smriti, which she will be best at."
Thoughts started to crumble in my head. I think he is right, She has been very supportive and attentive towards me. Memories started to flash in my brain how we started to talk, how we got closer and I started to realize she wasn't like this only on this trip but she had been caring enough from the beginning. I was always afraid of being in a relationship with someone just out of pity or sympathy. But She had been there for me and caring for me all along.
I got very excited and told Roshan, "I think you are right. I have allowed my past too much to intervene in my present, not anymore. I will confess myself to Smriti. I think she likes me too. Past is like the mistake we hide with a correction pen, we know we made a mistake because of the white liquid above that but with time the liquid solidifies and it's time to rewrite your present."
He patted my shoulder, and I was very excited, as I was getting closer to Rupa Lake, the road was stretching more. I held myself from being with others for very long, now was the time to write a beautiful word for my new experience above all.
When I got there, Smriti was already there, clicking photos. She was looking gorgeous in her yellow high-neck sweater, a black shawl around her neck, in black jeans holding the fence with one hand with a black wristwatch with a mesmerizing smile looking in the camera. She had her goggles held behind with her other hand. I may not have noticed her in the morning, but now I couldn't help her but notice.
"Go buds, confess her." Roshan pushed me.
I went near and asked Smriti, "Smriti, Can you please come with me?"
"No, I am clicking a photo" She was furious.
"I am sorry, Please just for a moment."
I may have infuriated her but she couldn't resist my request. She came closer to me after some begging.
"What?"
"Can we go a little far?"
"Where do you want to take me?" her tone was rude. But I could understand her actions.
I just held her and pulled her softly to take her a bit far from the crowd.
"I want to say something"
"You don't have to say anything I can understand. I am okay. I think I interfered in our life a lot."
"No, I want to say some serious things to you."
Her eyes widened in shock, "What serious thing?"
"Now please let me finish and only you talk."
"Why? What's going on?"
"Please, let me only talk."
"Go on."
"I don't know where to start this.."
She interfered, "just say"
"Please I want you to listen that's an expression, I am not asking you where to start."
"Sorry"
"These two days have been full of drama for me. I want to tell you something, I think you should know, this morning I met with Prakriti, It wasn't planned but it wasn't just a coincidence too. I have been wanting to meet her since our last meeting. I have gathered about her husband's house somehow. I was all excited to be in Pokhara just because I may meet her again."
She started to lose my attention. So I rushed, "But I haven't enjoyed my journey so far just because I met her and also this journey will not be important to me just because I got to be here in her hometown. I don't know if I am sounding relevant here but the point is I had been predicting my life based on a straight line. My journey may have a few ups, downs, and turns but eventually, I would adjust my path in a straight line. Following the regression of my path, I started to fabricate my predictions. I started to analyze my life with only knowns."
"What's your point? I am losing you."
"The point is I don't know if you feel the same way I have started to feel for you but I think I like you and I want to be in a relationship with you. I am sorry I don't have any better way to say this. But Smriti, I think I love you."
Her eyes were wet, she started to melt, "Are you saying this in real?"
"Yes Smriti, I could easily handle the 'NO' from you right now but it was more important for me to confess."
"I can't say anything" She started to roll out all the tears in her eyes.
I was confused, she didn't say yes yet. I held her hand and gave her Mauve Flower, I plucked from the ground nearby and said, "Smriti If you feel the same way as me, can you please accept this I will think that's a 'Yes' for my answer."
She accepted the flower put her other hand above my hand said in her sobbing voice, "I don't know how happy I am today. You can't imagine how far I have come to listen to this, from you."
She took a long pause holding herself. I was about to speak but she stopped me and said, "I was in fear if I confessed I would just break your heart. You were too much involved in your past. I wasn't sure about the right time. Hrishu, I liked you from the beginning. I was in love with you from the day I started to have long talks with you. I knew you were vulnerable back then. I knew you had soft space in your heart and you are very sensitive. I wanted to help all along being a friend but I couldn't hide my feelings."
She was sobbing. I pulled her shawl and wiped her tears. She came closer and gave me a polite hug, we both knew we were in public and we didn't want to create any scene. After that, I consoled her and tried to put a smile on her face.
Roshan has already told others about us. They were waiting there and Vandy started, "Thank god, although I was stubborn at first I am glad we came to Pokhara."
"They are together because of me," Roshan added.
Kshitij: "Ahh Ahh, because of you, Cupid"
"Hey, Hrish tell them.'
We couldn't look at them directly we were feeling shy.
They were pulling our legs. We couldn't stop ourselves from smiling constantly. After that, we went to a restaurant and had some snacks and clicked some photos together, afterward. Both of us were very happy.
This trip will be the most memorable trip of my life. I had never imagined, I would meet someone and get over my past. I would constantly look at her and smile. She would gesture "What?"
I would just smile. Now, I was excited to give her a ride. Today has been like an abnormally cloudy day for me but in the end, the cloud disappeared and the ray of hope, love, and realization hit me directly. Not every cloudy day resembles the storm to come: some might easily be the symbol of the last bad thing happening in your day. While coming back to the hotel she hugged me tight on the bike, I could feel her heartbeats. I was happy to be held by someone. After a long time, I started to see the world differently. Now, I didn't compare love with Prakriti's. Rather, I started to build a foundation of love, a new love, that had no sympathy, no doubts, and most importantly that was pristine. I was happy, we stopped to have tea, alone in a restaurant. We didn't talk much, we just looked at each other and smiled. I held her hand under the table. She was nervous and put her head on my shoulder but this time it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable for any given moment. It was just beautiful and we were lost in each other's affection. I used to hear "Love is in the air" I started to realize that, love indeed was around our air. I could feel it smell it. We had some tea and without speaking a single word, we understood, what we wanted to convey. I paid the bill and she got on the pillion. I was having the best time of my life.
Everyone was already in the hotel. We started to plan our evening. But I wanted to spend a little alone time with her on the shore of the lake. I asked the boys to give us some privacy.
Roshan teased us, "The boy is gone out of hand. He is not ours anymore."
Kshitij added, "He is progressing, don't envy him."
And they started to argue with each other. I interrupted and said, "We will be back soon." and got up from there holding her hand.
It was amazing how I was explaining my memories around that place and today, I am here building our memory lane. She started to share her photos and talk about her friends and our office. We were sitting in the darkness of the night, it was New Year's Eve, but we were far from that crowd on the shore of the Lake. We were enjoying the light distorted and flickering on the lake reflected from the water. She put her hand on my knee and I was moving my finger softly over her head. She spoke, "Hrishu, I love this night. I hope this night never gets the morning light. I want the time to freeze just like this water on the lake."
I smiled and said, "Believe me, for me this moment is frozen. I could relive this moment anytime I want. Bear with me and just enjoy the sight, capture the light. I want you to leave everything behind and just enjoy my company."
"I love you"
"Me too"
After some time I asked her if she wanted anything to eat. I got up to bring some chips and drinks nearby. She was constantly looking at me as I went past her.
After some time, I came back with snacks and drinks. She was typing on my phone. I asked, "What are you typing?"
"You got a text from Prakriti"
"What does she want?"
"Nothing, She is telling, she saw me and she thinks I will be perfect for you and she is very happy."
"Really", I pulled up the phone and saw she had already chatted for some time and was thanking her.
"So, you already told her about us. Haha"
"Why? Don't you want her to know"
"It doesn't matter to me now. I have you and I don't want my past to jeopardize our relationship"
Her eyes started to get wet and She came closer and kissed me.
Life is all about the observation, awareness, and realization of your surroundings. You might be searching and struggling to find your happiness but in the course, you might not notice the small things that make you happier.
In this beautiful encounter with reality, I found Smriti. I was stuck in the past and didn't notice her all along, but lights find their way even from the immense darkness and from the tiny hole in the dark cloud. After all, every cloudy day will be defeated by a sunny day on the way.