December:
We parked near the elementary school across the neighborhood, next to the daycare I went to as a baby. In that moment, I knew. Tara stood by the door of the van, and blocked my view, leading me in the other direction. I looked behind her to see the roof that had collapsed. I swallowed the lump in my throat and closed my eyes, making sure I seemed like it was something I had already accepted.
I kept my eyes straight-ahead at the house at the end of the street. It was separate from the rest, and always seemed bigger than the others. It still looked the same.
The houses that weren't shattered to the ground were left behind by the people who used to live in them. My neighborhood wasn't gated, so the walkers roamed around every house, but there were few enough for us to take. For us to stay away from most and stab the rest. When it all started, most of the neighbors fled to DC, like we did. I hoped they would come back, build a fence for security, and start something new. Make this place a home for all of them again. But that was a way for me to neglect reality and trade it with the ignorance of what things have become.
Carl placed his hand on my back. "We don't have to go in."
I stared at the leaves on the ground and started to cry. He brought me into a hug. I sobbed above his shoulder, ahead of the destroyed houses and walkers.
I made my hand into a fist and held it on his shoulder. "It has to be just me."
He shook his head. "When I saw mine, it wasn't safe. But I still thought I could take it myself. I couldn't. Michonne was with me. I tried to get her to leave me alone, but she didn't. And if she would have—"
"I'll yell if I need someone. I can do it. It—it has to just be me."
"We're doing this together. That was the deal. I'll give you space. But I'm not letting you go in by yourself."
...................................................................
Sun shined through the big window onto the checkered floor in the kitchen. The clutter of glasses and plates were still on the counter, but the main one was clear. The living room was empty, and I had no desire to look inside it.
I stood behind the mirror in my parents' room. Blood covered my face and shoulders. I had tunnel vision that went through the mirror, and ignored what was in front of me, who I was.
First Dad's shelf had tons of superhero figures that crowded each other. I grabbed one of the closest, without giving the shelf much of a look. I held it in the palm of my hand, and examined its green and yellow suit and yellow horns. It made a fist and wore a ponytail, and was attached to a platform with a white slider on the center. It read "Ko Ko." Five lightning symbols. A star. The number 65. Its power ups were symbols on the side. "Punch." "Sprint." "Shield." "Bolt."
The back of my head pounded, my nose was stuffy, and my throat stung. I opened my backpack to place the figure inside it, along with a Spiderman and Green Lantern for Carl and Judith.
...................................................................
I stared at my hands that rested in my lap as we drove back to Atlanta, continuing the search for a new place.
"The last time you saw them, they weren't here," Dad said. "Them coming back was just one possibility. We didn't find their bodies. They could be somewhere, making it. Just like you did."
"Happy thirteenth birthday," Tara told me.
I squinted at her. Carl gave a slight smile, with his head bowed.
Michonne reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of Spearmint gum, and handed it to me. "I know it's not a lot, but maybe we can find some candles and a cake somewhere."
"We don't have to celebrate my birthday right now," I said.
3 weeks later:
The sharp rocks in the road stuck to my legs. I ripped the long sleeves off of my shirt and put them in my bag, in case of future injuries. "When Noah went to find his family, he found them. And they were all dead. And Tyreese died helping him."
Dad used rocks to filter water from the lake. "But Noah knows now. And I think going there helped him, even after everything he saw. We can still find them."
I shook my head. "Making everyone go back there was selfish and stupid. It took us all day, used up all our gas. And it was for nothing. Mom was right."
Rick stood in front of me. "Are you ready to walk again?"
I continued to rip the fabric and didn't look up at him.
He bowed down to my level. "Hey. Are you ready to walk again? I know we're all tired, but we're about fifty miles from DC."
I closed my eyes and sighed. At that point, I could've seen the world completely crash in front of my eyes, and I wouldn't flinch. "It's gonna be a dead end like everywhere else. You know that. You've seen it."
"We can't give up. Not now."
...................................................................
It was time for dinner. We sat on the road and waited for a source of food to show up. Wild dogs walked out of the woods, stopped in front of us, and growled at us like wolves. Sasha shot them all. Specks of their blood flew in the air and they fell to the ground. I ate their meat off my stick, and it was still wet from blood. I held my tongue against the bottom of my back teeth, without thinking about it.
...................................................................
Thunder sounded. The sky was grey, and lightning created cracks in between the clouds. It sprinkled, then poured. I closed my eyes and pointed my head towards the sky. Almost having forgotten how to smile, I beamed out of relief. Carl covered Judith with his hat as she cried. Rosita and Tara laid beside each other on the road and laughed. Most of us found joy in the rain, except for Sasha and Mom. Gabriel saw it as another opportunity to apologize to God. Rick stayed alert, knowing we had to find shelter. Daryl told us about the barn.
...................................................................
The strings of hay stuck to my shoes. Mom stood outside one of the barn-doors and stared at what was on the other side. I moved beside her. A walker crawled on the ground. It was weak, but still had the motivation to get to us. Mom hesitated killing it. I furrowed my brow at her and walked away.
"Mallory..."
I turned back to her. "You think we have a choice in this?"
"The door's blocking it. It can't get to us."
"I heard what you said to Sasha." I held back my tears. "I know you're waiting until one gets to you."
Her face was blank, but she tilted her head to deny it.
"You think I haven't wanted to shoot my brains out? That I don't have nightmares, and panic attacks every night? About who I've lost, what we've had to do? I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I hate myself for not getting out of the car that day. They didn't get to survive, but I did? Aunt Beth died because she saved Noah. The good people, the people who gave far more of a damn than I ever did, they're gone, and I'm still here. And now we're in a shitty barn, hiding from walkers and the storm, so maybe we can put off our death by a few weeks. We can pretend all we want to... but it's only a matter of time. This world is fucked up. It was before the farm, before the CDC, before the camp. We just tried to run away from it."
...................................................................
Carl shook my arm to wake me up. Daryl and the others held the door back as the wind almost pounded it open. My feet pushed against the mud, almost getting stuck in it, as I leaned against the door. The wind pushed against me, and my arms hurt as I fought back. Its strength weighed more than I did. I sweat as its whistle became sharper. I almost slipped under the door, and fell in between Carl and my parents' feet. Mom picked me up and stood me back to where I was. We were exhausted and almost gave out, until the wind stopped.
...................................................................
The next morning:
I sat on the dirt and broke pieces off of the stale cracker I had for breakfast, sharing it with Judith. Unable to stop shivering, I sat on my feet and curled myself into a ball. The barn door opened.
Mom and Sasha walked in, with a stranger wearing a coat and blue flannel shirt. "Everyone... this is Aaron."
I yanked my gun out of the bag beside me and stood. We assembled together and aimed our weapons.
"We met him outside. He's by himself. We took his weapons, and we took his gear."
Daryl rushed to pat him down.
"Hi," Aaron said.
Judith cried. She was passed from Rick, to Carl, to me. I protected her head with my hand.
"He has a camp nearby. He wants us to audition for membership," Sasha said.
Rick looked through Aaron's backpack. He found pictures and searched through them.
Aaron tried to reason with us. "There's no way I could convince you to come with me just by talking about our community. That's why I brought those. I apologize in advance for the picture quality. We just found an old camera last night --"
"Nobody gives a shit," Daryl said.
"Nothing I say about our community will matter unless you know you'll be safe. If you join us, you will be. Each panel in that wall is a fifteen-foot-high, twelve-foot-wide slab of solid steel framed by cold-rolled steel beams and square tubing. Nothing alive or dead gets through that without our say-so. Like I said, security is obviously important. In fact, there's only one resource more critical to our community's survival. The people. Together we're strong. You can make us even stronger. The next picture, you'll see inside the gates. Our community was first construct --"
Rick ran to punch him unconscious.
...................................................................
The group went out to make sure no more of Aaron's people were hiding, or coming for us. They came back with supplies, and no sight of anyone else.
Rick waved one of the cans from Aaron's stash in his face. "This is ours now."
"There's more than enough," Aaron said.
"It's ours. Whether or not we go to your camp."
"What do you mean? Why wouldn't we go?" Carl asked.
"If he were lying or if he wanted to hurt us... but he isn't and he doesn't," Michonne said. "We need this. So we're going, all of us. Somebody say something if they feel differently."
A moment of silence passed.
"I don't know, man. This barn smells like horseshit," Daryl said.
Rick nodded after contemplating. "Yeah. We're going."
...................................................................
I stood near the car, and looked back at the barn and the leaves that fell from the big tree, making a crunching sound.
Dad walked over to me. "You're riding in the RV with Mom and Carl."
"And you're going with the new guy?" I asked.
He sighed. "Rick needs help. We're not welcoming anyone with open arms. If something happens--"
"We'll both fight it."
"We'll fight it first. Then the RV, if we need help."
"Dad, name one new place we've been to that wasn't bad. That didn't end in war, or us almost getting killed."
He smiled at me. "We're gonna make it. We have, and we will. I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes, but there's still good out there. We just have to work harder to find it. And Aaron's place could be a fresh start for all of us."
...................................................................
March:
I sat on the mattress in the RV, and kept myself steady by holding onto the chair beside me. It came to a stop.
"Are we here?" I asked.
"We're here," Abraham said.