Fifteen
Where We Confess
“Just step on the gas, Stevie.”
Jacoby’s voice is too far away for me to reach. My hands are gripping the steering wheel so tightly that they’re going numb and I can no longer feel the leather surface on my skin. Screams echo in my mind and loud, scraping noises of metal collapsing on itself.
“Stevie?”
It’s my fault. It’s my entire fault that the accident happened and I have to pay the price. I can’t endanger anyone else, and certainly not Jacoby.
“Hey,” Jacoby murmurs, prying my hand from the steering wheel. He takes it in his hand as if it’s a jewel and places his other palm on top of mine to cradle it. “It’s okay. Just gently step down on the gas and you’ll be fine.”
I shake my head no. I want to tell him to forget it and I’m sorry he’s going to this trouble, but I can’t find the words. I haven’t’ sat in the driver’s seat before since the accident and I never thought I would be here, in control of a car, again.
“I can’t, Jacoby,” I finally choke out. His eyes meet my glassy ones and he sighs, frustrated.
“I think you should tell me what’s going on.” I rip my gaze away but his eyes stay staring at me. I can feel them watching my every move as I take in every detail of the floor. “Stevie,” he whispers, dropping my hand and moving his fingers to my cheek, “you can’t hold whatever this is in all this time. It will just make things worse, trust me.”
I close my eyes, causing a tear to fall. Jacoby wipes it away with one of his fingers that are brushing my skin. “But…I don’t…I don’t know how.”
“I know how you feel.” Jacoby lowers his head, letting his hair create a wall in front of his face that I can’t see through. “There’s something I haven’t told you and I want to, but it’s hard to get the words out.”
Immediately a little bell of fear starts ringing in my head, so loud that I want to cover my ears. Is Dove pregnant again? Is there another love child I’m not aware of? Is there some secret he’s been hiding from me because he knows it’s only going to hurt me more than he already has?
“Stevie,” he murmurs. He raises his head and grabs my hands tightly. “After you left…After you left…” He’s right; he can’t seem to get the words out. And the one’s that he does manage to choke up worry me even more as to what he has to tell me.
“If you tell me I’ll tell you.” Despite what may hurt me that he’s about to say, I need to know. And maybe telling him my secret will help me.
“Okay.” He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes as he does so. His hands are trembling as they hold mine tightly, causing my arms to shake. “Stevie,” he whispers, taking another deep breath. “After you left, my mom died.”
I feel like all the air has been sucked right out of my lungs. My body instantly goes cold and I fear that I might pass out from this dizziness. I can’t believe what he just said; what he is telling me. He’s admitting that the woman that was a second mother to me my life up until I left is dead.
She’s buried six feet under and nobody ever told me. I was never there for the funeral; never invited. Nobody thought that I would want to know.
“We found out that she had cancer.” Jacoby’s voice is soft as I sit in the driver’s seat and cry. I take my hands out of his and let them lie limply at my sides. “By the time it was discovered, it was too late.”
He doesn’t tell me what kind of cancer and I don’t ask. It doesn’t matter now. What matters is that she’s gone and I wasn’t told up until now. I had just been thinking that I never saw his mother because she was busy inside the house or upset that I left without saying goodbye. Not once did I think that she could not be alive.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I don’t know if Jacoby can hear me because I’m being so quiet. I’m done my crying, wiping away the last of my tears. “Why did nobody tell me?”
Jacoby doesn’t say anything for several minutes. I briefly look over at him to see that he’s trapped inside his thoughts, fighting a battle with himself inside of his head.
“Because the wound is still fresh,” he finally decides on. “Saying it to you…Telling you what happened after all this time trying to heal would make it worse.”
“Why now?”
Jacoby looks up to meet my eyes. “Because I know how much you meant to her.”
Things change. A rose will grow from its bulb over time and bloom into a beautiful flower. But eventually winter comes and the ground grows cold. The rose will die, fall into the dirt and never be thought of again. All of this happens in a short time. Even though I know this and I really do, I still can’t believe how much things have changed over the span of a few years. Maybe I can believe it, but it doesn’t mean I want to.
“The accident was my fault.” I spit out the words before I can even think of them in my head. “My mom wanted to go get groceries and said I could drive. We were fighting over the radio stations when we came to a four way stop that I didn’t see.” Jacoby reaches out a hand and rubs my shoulder but I act like he isn’t even beside me. All I can see are the memories inside my head. “I ran it and a car came and hit my mom’s side.”
“And now she can’t remember,” Jacoby finishes for me. I nod and he leans across the center console to wrap his arms around me. He rests his cheek on my shoulder and holds me tightly. “I’m so sorry, Stevie. I can’t even begin to put myself in your shoes. If that happened to me, I wouldn’t know what to do.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I whisper.
“You shouldn’t keep it inside, is what you should do.” I give him a confused look, turning my neck at an awkward angle to see him. Jacoby smirks. “Trust me, after what I went through, I should know. You need to live your life, Stevie. You can’t keep letting the past get in the way of your future.”
“You should copyright that,” I mumble, my mood starting to rise again. He’s always known how to make me feel better when I’m down.
Jacoby shrugs. “It’s true. Now are you going to start living or keep stopping yourself?”
“Keep living,” I mutter.
“That doesn’t sound very enthusiastic,” Jacoby deadpans. I narrow my eyes and he grins. “Come one, let’s make things better.” He pulls away from me and gestures to the steering wheel. “Time to drive, Stevie.”
After everything we just talked about I can’t believe he still wants me to learn to drive again, let alone race.
“You’re insane.”
Jacoby laughs. “So you keep telling me.”
©
“Pass the potato wedges,” I tell Belle, reaching for them but my fingers barely make it halfway across the patio table to where they are.
Belle narrows her eyes and plucks one from the glass container. She looks is over before plopping it in her mouth and smiling.
“Please pass them,” I repeat, growing hungrier and more annoyed by the second.
Across the table from me Jacoby watches with amusement, resembling the look on Grandpa’s face. Ever since Jacoby drove me home Belle has been in a mood. She was even worse when Grandpa invited Jacoby for dinner and the three of us began to cook dinner while Belle had to go watch the kittens.
“Belle,” I grumble, giving her my worst glare, “if you do not pass the potato wedges that I made right now I’m going to shove two of them in your ears.”
She rolls her eyes and leans back in her chair. Folding her arms across her chest, she chews and ignores me.
“Belle,” Jacoby says, smiling at her. “Can you please pass me the potato wedges? They look delicious.”
Belle sits up and grabs the glass container, smiling. “Of course, Jacoby,” she replies happily, handing him the steamy glass. My mouth starts to water as Jacoby places them in front of me and before he can get any I’m putting half of the batch on my plate.
“So what did you do today?” Grandpa asks, watching me as I begin to stuff my face. I stop mid-chew and wonder how in the world I’m going to be able to talk right now.
“I took Stevie down to the race track and got her to drive my Camaro.”
Belle and I both freeze in our chairs. Jacoby just told my Grandpa something that is probably going to give him a heart attack. All eyes are on my Grandpa who continues eating, acting as if nothing happened. I can’t tell if he’s suppressing a freak out, didn’t hear what Jacoby said or if he’s planning on yelling at me later.
“How did that go?” he wonders, not meeting anyone’s eyes except for Jacoby’s.
“She was very scared,” he laughs, stealing a glance my way. “But she did well for her first time. I see potential in her.”
Grandpa smiles and meets my gaze. “I’m proud of you, Stevie.” To Belle, this probably looks like no big deal. But Grandpa knows the truth about what happened and how scared I’ve been ever since to hurt someone else while driving. “How’s the old Mustang coming along? I haven’t been out in the shed to take a look at it yet.”
The late afternoon wind blows my hair into my face and I brush it away. “It’s coming along good I think, right Jacoby?” He knows more about cars than me so I trust him to be able to take car with my grandpa.
Jacoby nods, finishing what he’s chewing before responding. “Just needs some paint, a few more tune ups and we’ll be able to take her for her first test drive.”
“You’ll have to show me after dinner.” Grandpa smiles and I honestly don’t remember him looking as happy as he does now.
While Jacoby and Grandpa stay outside to continue talking, after dinner Belle and I take the dishes inside and start to put them on the counter. In the midst of cleaning up, I turn to Belle and put my hands on my hips.
“Can you tell me what your problem is?”
Belle stops scraping off her plate and places it on the counter before moving to face me. “About time you asked,” she huffs. “First of all, I never got a thank you for setting you up with Jacoby today.”
I raise my eyebrows. “You set me up?”
Belle rolls her eyes. “I called Jacoby and told him you were slaving away in the shed. He agreed to come and spend time with you and here we are now.”
If I wasn’t so thankful for her doing that, I would be mad about the tone she’s using with me. “Thank you, Belle. That means a lot to me.” I give her a hug but she doesn’t reciprocate it. Pulling back, I try to figure out what else is up. “What’s the other reason you’re mad?”
Belle narrows her eyes. “You pulled a prank on me. Out of all the things I know you would do to joke around, I never thought you would stoop this low.” For a moment, she looks like she’s going to cry.
“Belle,” I whisper, stepping towards her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She moves away and the tears spill over. My litter sister looks broken. “Don’t lie to me, Stevie!” she shouts. “You know what you did!”
I’m so shocked that my feet feel glued to the floor. “I honestly have no idea what’s going on, Belle. So please tell me so I can fix this.”
I’ve never seen Belle look so angry as she fishes something out of a pocket on the back of her shorts. Glaring, she hands the folded piece of paper to me and shoots daggers into my forehead as I open it.
“I found this in the mail today. You’re the only other person who knows what happened other than me, Stevie. No one else could have sent it.”
Belle,
I miss you so much, sweetie. Why don’t you ever come see me anymore? You always brighten my day when I see you. I don’t know what’s going on so you must be as confused as I am. Now, enough of this silly talk about how confusing this situation is.
Your father came to see me today. He said he’s going to fix this ridiculous mess that we’re in and take me home very soon so I can be with you and your sister. How great is that? I told him you’re still at the farm with Grandpa and your dad said he would be seeing you soon. I guess he’s been too busy to stay home trying to fix things. But you’re a smart girl, Belle. I know you’ll understand.
I’m so excited to see you and your sister. Send my love.
See you soon.
Mom