"Will you please sit down and think straight for a minute? It's Monday for Pete's sake." Cade complained while he lies on my bed with his head hanging by the edge.
As I'm pacing back and forth, I chew on my cheek and feared that I might draw out some blood pretty soon. My knees are trembling and my mind is all over the place.
"Dude, let her. She's coping." Henry tries to defend me.
"Henry, dude, just admit it, you want to bone her—" Danica teased and I knew I've had enough.
"Can you guys shut up for one second?! My mom and dad just texted me to come home this weekend and they didn't seem too keen on me canceling—again." I snapped, clutching my phone for dear life.
The three looked at me with shock and Danica almost dropping her tub of ice cream and I just groaned, going back to pacing.
"Just cancel. Just say you've got a big project or something." Cade tried to reason but it only made my frustration grow like a weed.
"Cade, for the last time, my parents aren't the once to take chances. If I say that, they'll call or come here themselves and ask about it."
Just the way it has been for the past couple of hours until the sun was beginning to set, I still found no other way out than to face it. My skin crawls and my bones rattle just at the thought of going back home and not being able to keep the results a secret. I could already see the images of them.
"Girl, there is absolutely no way you're going home like this. You'd just blurt out and cause yourself more harm than good." Danica warned with a mouthful of ice cream.
My heart sinks the moment she said it because one, she is right and two, there is no other way I could think of. My parents shouldn't be underestimated in any way. They would know when I'm lying or when I'm not and that's not just the scary part — it's everything else they could do.
"Danica's right, " Henry nodded, "you won't be in the right state of mind."
The moment his warnings came, it was already too late.
I look at them regretfully with tears brimming my eyes and my lips swollen form biting and chewing in them impulsively. My mind is still a little hazy but Insee no other way than going the hard way. If I hold it off for too long then they'll find out anyway and it'll be so much worse than it already is. I can't risk that.
"I'm going."
Protests immediately erupted as soon as I've said it, Henry being pushed up to stand and Cade shooting up faster than a bullet.
"Bitch didn't you hear what I said?" Danica frowned.
"I did but let's be honest here. The more I keep it aside then the bigger it gets. I have a higher chance of dying then." I explained to them but they're wary eyes let me know that they don't agree with my decision in any way. I don't blame them.
"At least let me come with you, " Henry bravely offered. "I could visit my parents, then keep my eyes on you."
"And risk my parents finding me driving around with a boy? No, you'll be a target too." I laughed nervously and he scowls.
"I'd rather that than see you crying or...worse."
"We'd rather see you alive Evie, " Danica added with concern.
"I know but I'll be fine. I promise I'm going to be fine. Secrets won't be leaked. It's just one night anyway, " I reassured them and they exchanged knowing stares.
"You can barely lie about missing homework to the teacher. That isn't a valid excuse!" Danica argued.
"Guys if you really want to help then can you at least just trust me in this one? I know my parents more than anyone, I'm sure I'm gonna find a way out."
"Evie we're your friends and we just want the best. We don't want to see you hurt again. Remember New Year's?" Danica reminded me and my eyes went wide and so did hers.
That wasn't supposed to be said to anyone.
As suspected, Cade and Henry looked at us disdainfully making me glare at Danica who looked just as guilty. She knew that information was confidential and she just lets it slip.
"Evie, " Cade stood, "what did she mean?"
His tone almost scares me when I remember that he had never been this serious before. Not even about Jocelyn. The concern in his eyes was almost overshadowed by the way suspicion in his eyes.
Henry just watched in the corner, crossing his arms in anticipation, and somehow, I knew he was just holding back.
"Hey, you two, get off my case for now. I'll explain after this weekend." I said, "don't make this worse for me."
Cade sighs, worriedly pushing his hair back before raising his hands in defeat.
I know they care and that means so much to me but this time I gotta make my own calls. This is not their problems to take, they've already done so much to me and I won't ever be able to repay them this debt if they don't stop. Their beautiful souls don't deserve to suffer from mine. I'd rather them be assured that I would be my best.
"Just please be safe and if anything comes up, just call." Henry finally pushed off from the wall and walked to me, holding my hand in his.
"I promise, I'll text all of you and I'll call if things go wrong which it won't," I assured once and for all and they nodded.
"Ok then, well we gotta meet Jocelyn back at the frat house, " Danica got up from her seat.
"Seriously?" Cade said.
"Yeah, seriously. Now come on. You can come if you want, " she turns to me with a smile and I just laughed, reminding myself if the people who will be there.
Matteo will be there.
"No, no way. I've gotta revise and do some other things. You guys go. Bring Henry too—"
"Wait, what?" He protests and I cringed.
"I just want to be alone for now that's all. Plus you get to meet new people there, it'll be good." I told him but the truth is, after what happened his weekend I didn't want to be awkward around him, and knowing me, I probably will be.
With one last disappointed look, Henry nodded and followed Cade and Danica out leaving me to myself again in the same four walls I've been stuck in for quite the time.
• • •
Philosophy class comes in again on Wednesday and obviously, that's one more thing to worry about. After what happened at the cinema with Matteo and I, my thoughts of him had become blurred and my fear had begun infesting in me once again; despite not seeing him for quite a while.
When Cade and I arrived to class talking about nonsensical political debates, the auditorium was near empty. However when I eyed our usual seats, there I find the last person in my mind for the last couple of days.
"Oh, hey you philosopher, " Ms. Galen's cheery voice greets us and I turn to face her, trying to push out his image.
"Sorry to be a bother but today would be an hour spent specifically in working with your year-long partners. This day will be the only day you get to do this so, go sit with them and work out your answers." She smiled but I knew my heart just jumped off a cliff and probably died.
Cade turns to me with his pursed lips because he knew what hell I'm about to be in. He knew exactly the kind of hour I'm about to have and based on how he eyed someone behind me, I'm damn sure he's slightly amused by it.
"Well, well, look who's living the Bennet life." He teased and I pinched his arm making him wince before walking away to his partner.
How many days does it take to get off of drugs again?
It's been almost five days since I willingly walked away from her. Since then, I've drunken twelve bottles, slept with Jocelyn, went to the gym, and broke a punching bag. None of which helped with breaking out of her grip.
Every time I'd kiss someone else I won't be satisfied because the lips I wanted isn't the one I could get. The lips I wanted are from the Virgin Mary herself and that shit isn't supposed to be my thing. But she is.
Every time I'd see her the temptation only grows like a vine in a building. Like a virus aiming to only kill its victim.
I've spent countless hours trying to distract myself yet every try just leaves me asking for more. Like a dog who has been teased with treats and now couldn't stop asking for it until it becomes rabid. When I walked away I thought I could forget it and not be rabid but that turned out to be a mistake. Even cigarettes wouldn't fix it.
The look on her face when I dropped her hand embedded itself in my head that I just start to feel more and more guilty. I've let it go on for so long that I've gone to the deep-end and there's no turning back. Blaming her too would be like blaming the clock for being late—that's the worst part of all of it.
She's so innocent, soft, and naive that she doesn't even know what she's doing to a guy; to a man with much power. Am I admitting that to myself now? Sure.
I want her. Bad.
Damn it. She's gotten to me and doesn't even know it. She has no idea of the things she could do to men. Every day I see her walk around and with it are the dozen lowlifes who got nothing better to do but stare at her like she's a gourmet dish. People turn their heads when she walks by and here she is, oblivious to the fact that she is just...that. God fucking damn it.
And now, as if the hunger couldn't get worse, she's making her way up to me in her tight white jeans and a loose blouse and a pair of flats. This is the problem, she shows so little but damn she could use that. How can a girl be so unaware?
Noticing her eyes on me, I closed my mouth and moved my fingers away from my lips, adjusting my significantly tighter jeans. All this thinking obviously doesn't have its positive effects.
My constant self-deprecation of being masculine and not cowardly can't even fight against the confines of this woman. What more could she do if she knew?
"Hey, " she smiled faintly. I do the same and moved my feet back so she could come in and take a seat. Her legs brushed mine and I clenched my jaw while looking away.
I need to get my shit together right now or this is gonna blow over.
"Hey, " I said with an attempt to not push her away this time because clearly, that's only a devil's trap.
"I guess we gotta work today huh, " she laughed, fiddling with her thumbs and I nodded.
"Have you read the work I sent to you last, last weekend?" Maybe changing the subject will do its magic and make me less of an asshole than I intend to be.
"Definitely." She turned to me, "sorry I couldn't get back to you, you know...things got a little weird." She said, obviously referring to hear happened. I almost laughed but I don't think that would sit well with her.
Since when did I think of things that would satisfy her?
"I guess, " I sighed, watching her flip through her notes, her focus is immense and I just watch her carefully. Observed how her eyes danced while reading or how her delicate hands held the pages—
"Any plans this weekend?" I blurted out involuntarily and my mind goes ballistic. Alarms are going off and every single rule I've set for myself is equally being broken.
She freezes, her fragile body almost falling out with the words that left my mouth and for a moment I was ready to walk away as I did before. Then she gulped.
"Yeah...actually, " she laughed nervously, trying not to look at me like a guilty minx and I frown at her. "I have to go home to my parents for the family—"
"What?" I stop her and she sighs, running her hand through her hair as she paled.
"I've made it my choice actually." She tried to defend but the look in her eyes made me think otherwise.
"You can't convince me that you chose that." I scoffed, "if I were you, I wouldn't want to see my parents."
I look at her with suspecting eyes as she leaves her lips hanging as though she was about to say something—then she does,
"That's just it right?" She chuckled, "you aren't me. Funny thing is, I wouldn't want to be me either."
She returns to her own devices, leaving me to watch her while she flipped through the filled pages of her notes. I can see her despair and right at that moment I thought, 'she needs to leave them.'
"You shouldn't go, "
"That's not really up to you Matteo, " she cried. "If this becomes bigger than it already is, I'll be facing hell on Earth."
"If they're so toxic then why stay? I mean would if I was like that then you would never have stayed—"
"Matteo, just please, let it go." She pleads one last time and her teary eyes looked at me with pain and sadness.
I shift my gaze in shame and just looked away with no intention of hurting her any further.