It takes me a full day to realize how dangerous it is having Theodore James Guevarra attend New Hope, especially since we're in the same class.
The guy knows about me and my past. He could very well expose me to everyone. Not that he has any reason to do that, nor do I plan on ever giving him one. Then again, I don't really know the guy that well to even attempt to guess what goes on behind that brooding exterior.
Every day since his arrival, I brace myself for the chaos that is sure to erupt once word gets out about the true me. If he so much as plants the idea that I've been living a lie and am trying to pass myself off as someone I'm not, it's all over. A mere rumor will be enough to sully the flawless reputation I've worked so hard to build for myself. What's even worse is that they might find out what I did to him, and if that happens, I'll be left alone. Alone again.
I tried so hard to forget what happened. Our move to the metro helped in giving me a fresh start, but the memories have never really faded away. They linger in my mind, a silent, persistent plague that haunts me. Their jeers. That one mistake. The look on his face. All the threats. All the hatred. The seemingly endless pit of loneliness and loss.
It still surprises me how I manage to keep doing arnis after what happened. I came really close to quitting though. Back then, my hands would shake involuntarily whenever I'd so much as think about arnis. I worried about things getting out of control again. I worried about hurting and getting hurt. And it didn't exactly help that arnis made me miss my best friend all the more since his sudden disappearance. It took a while before I finally managed to hold a rattan stick again, but thanks to Tito Tim, I soon got my swing back and I haven't let go of it ever since.
But if the past ever repeated itself, I don't think I'll be able to take it.
Which is why my friends and classmates can never find out about the things I did and the things I can do.
Which is why I have to make sure Theodore James Guevarra keeps his mouth shut.
A week into his arrival at New Hope Academy, Theo has done a marvelous job of standing out, yet at the same time, effortlessly fitting in. My friends have basically branded him as 'someone we shouldn't get too close to,' so we don't really pay him any mind most of the time. The rest of our batchmates mostly stayed clear of him too, because they found him a bit too unapproachable. But Carlos dela Vega and his friends, the group of misfits Kate and Sarah have christened the HC, or the Hopeless Cases, were more than willing to take him under their wing. Carlos, with what must be intense persuasion skills, was able to get Theo to join their hodgepodge group.
The bell rings, finally signaling the end of Social Studies and the start of lunch break. It's time, and right away, I regret not thinking the whole thing through. I want to take Theo aside, so I can make sure he keeps my past a secret, but just pulling him aside is already going to put my reputation at risk. Alexa Zamora is no snob, so she talks to whomever she wants, including the HC, but she never makes the first move. She's the one sought after and talked to, not the other way around.
Nonetheless, I push through with my sorry excuse for a plan. I convince Michelle to head for the cafeteria first, and she agrees without a single protest. As expected, I get called over by a few of my classmates for my opinion on, of all the things, lip gloss. I flash them a smile, like I'm so eager to help them out, even though I really know nothing about the different kinds of lip gloss. But before I saunter off towards them, I toss a note on top of Theo's table as discreetly as I can.
I try to listen to the surprisingly detailed descriptions of the different glosses, but my eyes can't help but wander towards him. I see him pick up my note, unfold it, and read what I wrote silently. The 4th floor old arts room. After class. Theo doesn't give me any form of response, not even so much as a single glance. He pockets the note and exits the classroom, leaving me to deal with the much heated lip gloss debate.
I spend the rest of the day trying so hard not to freak out. I have no way of knowing if Theo's going to show, but just the thought of this confrontation gives me a whole new level of panic. In fact, I almost give in to the temptation of just throwing another note his way, enumerating my demands without meeting. But I know, regardless of any demands I may have, that it's high time we have our talk. And it definitely has to be done face-to-face.
The old arts room on the fourth floor is mainly used as a storage room nowadays, after the new mini-wing built courtesy of the Gawad Likha Foundation opened around two years ago. Since no one basically visits the room anymore, and because the janitorial staff doesn't bother locking its door, I figure it's probably the best place for Theo and me to talk without being seen by anyone.
I slip away from my friends as soon as the dismissal bell rings. I take the stairs up to the fourth floor, and arrive at a dark room. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, and turn on the single light that's working.
The old arts room is mostly empty, aside from the stacks of chairs and piles of canvas paintings left forgotten. I'm wringing my hands repeatedly in a feeble attempt to calm my nerves. I don't know why I'm so nervous; maybe I'm just worrying about Theo not showing up. I attempt to distract myself by looking over some of the art pieces lying around despite the dust that had already accumulated over all the stuff. Most of the paintings are of the sky, especially depictions of sunrise. Based on the style of the pictures, it seems that a single artist made all the paintings, but every one was left unfinished. It's like the artist couldn't get a clear grasp of what he truly wanted to portray, and so kept trying to re-do his work. I can imagine how his mistakes must have frustrated him, how badly he must have wanted to start over using a blank canvas. After all, I had felt the same way when I had transferred to New Hope.
"Thought you never liked art?"
He's here! Hearing his voice surprises me so much that I almost knock over the pile of canvases. Thank goodness I manage to catch the falling ones and right them before any of them could hit the floor. Though I'm certain no one drops by this place anymore, there's no telling who'll come running after hearing much noise.
"You thought right. I'm still pretty hopeless with anything crafty." I dust off my hands and stand, facing him. "Same old me."
Theo's leaning by the doorway and looking at me with those eyes of his. He moved so silently that I didn't even hear him approach, let alone open the door. He enters, closes the same door now, and settles on the other side of the room.
A small laugh escapes his lips at my words. "I've only been here a week, Alexa, but I can already tell that you're no one like your old self. You've changed."
"Yeah, well, you've changed too."
"No, I haven't. Not that much anyway." Theo shrugs. "Just the height. The voice." He pauses and then continues, "And I'm up to a brown belt now."
He's up to a Bihasa now? I'm personally stuck with a blue belt because I still keep struggling with disarming and advanced sparring. Tito Tim blames this on the fact that I refuse to attend regular training sessions with other arnisadors. I can never hope for a black belt though. There's no way I can join a competition without anybody else finding out about it.
"And you? How's your training?" Theo asks without any hint of hesitation. He says it as if it's already a given that I'm still doing arnis, even though he just admitted seconds earlier that I've completely changed from my old self.
I decide to quit stalling and get straight to the point. I straighten out my skirt and walk towards Theo until we're standing right in front of each other. He's a whole head taller than I am, so he has to bend a bit to meet my eyes. Then, I channel Alexa Zamora at her finest and speak with full conviction, lying through my teeth. "I don't do arnis anymore. I grew out of it."
Theo just stares at me, betraying no hint of surprise.
"And I actually want to talk to you today about that. I need to ask you something." I take a deep breath before continuing, looking at Theo straight in the eyes. "Theo, please don't tell anyone about my past. Not about us knowing each other before. Not about arnis. Not about us training together. And especially, not about how things were at my old school. Please."
I can tell from Theo's silence and unwavering gaze that he's thinking about what I just asked him. But I'm surprised when it doesn't last very long. He simply shrugs again and says, "Okay."
"Okay?" That's it? Really?
"Yeah, it's fine," he says. "But why are you keeping it all a secret?"
Classic Theo. So direct to the point. I did anticipate needing to defend my demands, though, so the question doesn't really faze me. I have a ready answer. "I've long moved on, but I really don't want anything to ruin what I've got going on now. If so much as a rumor went out about me being so rough and tough before, things may get messy."
Theo is silent for a while. But then, he erupts in a fit of laughter. "Oh, I get it."
I can't believe this guy. I cross my arms and demand, "What's so funny?"
He shakes his head and recovers, "It's just that I get it. You have this image to maintain. So, no one can know that you used to be... different. I get it, and it's fine."
"So you'll keep quiet about it?"
"Yeah, sure."
"And you'll continue acting like we don't know each other?"
"Hey, I'm not the one throwing notes, setting up meetings at abandoned art rooms, and asking for favors." He smiles. It looks earnest, just as he has always been. "Don't worry. If that's what you want, then it's fine with me."
"Okay, thanks." I take a moment to admire Theo's smiling face. It certainly suits him, way more than his usual stoic one. I thought that with Theo's promise of keeping my secret, I'd finally rid myself of this uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach, but it only seems to escalate now. Especially after seeing his smile.
It's a smile that's both new and familiar. Much like Theo himself.
And I can't help but wonder if I can trust this new Theo as much as I trusted the old one.
Chapter Four of Heartstruck was live-read by Rachel Coates (Alexa) and Miguel Almendras (Theo) during #romanceclass Feels Fest 2019. Attached video was taken by Gela Uy.