Requested by @dyl_pickle206
Trigger Warning: angst, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, depression, attempted suicide
You never know how much someone is struggling until it's too late. Well, my friends don't know that I've been fighting anxiety and depression since middle school.
It started after a group of girls cornered me in the locker room. After that, they started cornering me a lot more. They'd make fun of my clothes, my hair, and anything about me that didn't fit in with them.
I thought about telling Stiles and Scott but I knew how they'd react. They would threaten to hurt the girls or get Stiles's dad involved. So, I didn't tell them. I didn't tell them about my first anxiety attack in the girls' locker room that day. I didn't tell them about every anxiety attack after. I didn't tell them about the days that I just didn't feel anything and almost did something so I could.
Every time I have an anxiety attack, I excuse myself. I go to the bathroom, sit through my attack on my own, and compose myself before rejoining the group. And they never knew the wiser. So much for all that werewolf senses shit.
We were currently sitting in the library talking about our latest supernatural problem. I wasn't paying attention because I was trying to stop an anxiety attack.
"Y/N?" Stiles whispered as he reached over and touched my arm.
"I'm fine," I barely got out. I could feel his eyes on me, but I ignored it. I took a few breaths but knew I wouldn't be able to shake this one. I stood up and quickly left the library, ignoring my friends' questioning looks.
When I got to the bathroom, I locked myself in a stall and leaned my forehead against the cold stall door. My hands shook as it got harder and harder to breathe. It felt like the walls were closing in on me and then opening back up just in time to close again.
I sucked in a breath, leaned against the stall, and covered my mouth when I heard the bathroom door open.
"Y/N? Sweetie, are you in here?" Lydia called out.
"Yeah," I said, clearing my throat to hopefully sound normal.
"Okay, well, we're heading towards Scott's house. Want us to wait?"
"No," I said quickly. "I'll meet you guys there."
"Okay. Oh! I brought your bag. It's by the sink."
"Thanks."
"See ya."
I let out a shaky breathe when I heard the door closed. I sat on the toilet seat and put my face in my hands as my whole body shook. It took me a few minutes to get my breathing back to normal. Once I could actually breathe, I lifted my head out of my hands and took a few more calming breaths.
I stood up and opened the stall door. I walked over to the sink and turned on the water. Once it was warm, I splashed some onto my face. I grabbed a paper towel and dried off. I threw it away and grabbed my phone from my bag. I opened our pack message and quickly texted them.
To: 🐺 THE Pack 🐺
Me: Hey, guys. I'm not feeling very well so I'm gonna head home instead of coming over and risk getting you all sick. I'll see you tomorrow.
* * * * *
After I sent the text yesterday, I turned off my phone and drove straight home. I spent the entire night in my bed, watching a show I've seen a thousand times on Netflix.
You know what they say; the reason people who suffer from anxiety rewatch tv shows is because they know what's going to happen, and that creates a sense of safety and comfort.
I woke up the next morning and decided to finally turn my phone back on. I sighed when I saw several texts from the pack and about 25 individual texts from Stiles. Instead of answering them, I tossed my phone onto my bed and took a shower.
I walked into school with my head down, not in the mood to really talk to anyone.
"Hey, girly." Lydia smiled as she met me at my locker. "Whoa. . . You feeling okay?"
"I'm fine," I stuttered. "Just umm. . . I've been having a lot of migraines lately and. . . And they make me lightheaded."
"Oh," she said softly as she gently moved a piece of hair I must have missed when I pulled my hair back this morning. "Do you want me to take you home?"
"Why would you take her home?" Stiles asked as he and Scott joined us.
"No reason," I tried to say quickly. Lydia sighed as she interrupted me.
"Y/N's been having migraines lately," she explained. "And they make her sick.
"What?" Stiles panicked as he stepped closer to me. "Are you okay? Do you need anything? You do look kind of pale. Let me drive you home."
"I'm fine," I snapped as I took a step away from my friends. "I've dealt with them before, so. . . Can we just go to class?"
The three looked at each other nervously. Stiles and Scott were about to say something, but Lydia interrupted them. "I think that's a great idea. You and I have English first period."
The guys tried to object, but Lydia sent them her "motherly glare" she's grown famous for. "We'll meet you two in Mr. Harris's class."
* * * * *
The whole day the pack continually checked on me, asking if I needed them to take me home. I constantly caught Stiles watching me, acting as if he wanted to say something.
The last class of the day just ended and Scott and Stiles were going to practice while Lydia and I were heading to her house to study.
"Y/N, wait." Stiles stopped me before I could head to my car. He led me over to the lockers, away from Scott and Lydia.
"What's up?"
"I know you're lying," he cut me off.
"What?" I stuttered.
"Come on, Y/N," he sighed. "I know you. And I know when another person is hiding when they have an anxiety attack."
"I don't know what you're talking about," I stuttered as I tried to walk away.
"Y/N," Stiles said looking at me knowingly. "I know you have anxiety. I know you're fighting depression too."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Y/N, I know how you've been feeling lately and I. . ."
"How could you possibly know?" I asked, cutting him off. Stiles's eyes softened when he saw my emotions finally coming through.
I looked down at my shoes, my eyes filling with water. I took a deep breath and the tears immediately stopped. I slowly looked back up at Stiles with a fake smile on my face.
"Y/N, just talk to me." Stiles sighed, trying to grab my hand. I immediately pulled it out of his grasp and took a step back, fixing the strap of my bag.
"Tell Lydia my migraine got worse and I can't make it to her house to study tonight," I said as I quickly turned on my heel and left.
* * * * *
When I got home, I couldn't turn my brain off. I couldn't catch my breath. And I couldn't stop my whole body from shaking. I paced around my room, unable to stop my anxiety attack.
Somehow, Stiles knew what was going on. I've never said anything and I've always been careful about showing symptoms. So how could he know? Is there something about the way that I look that makes it obvious?
Now that he knows, will he tell the pack? If he does, what will they do? Will they try to help or will they ignore it? Will what they do help me or make it worse? Will them ignoring it make it worse or better?
What if they are completely done with me? What if they don't want to be my friends anymore? What if I lose them because I'm not mentally stable?
Before I knew what I was doing, I walked into my bathroom.
* * * * *
Stiles's POV
When Y/N ignored my fifth call and eleventh text message, I decided to go over to her house. My eyebrows furrowed when I saw that her parent's cars were gone, only her car was in front of their house.
I knocked on the door and waited for her to answer. The longer it took her to answer, the worse the feeling in my stomach got. "Y/N," I called out. "Come on. Open up. We need to talk about this. Please?"
I sighed as there was no sound or movement coming from inside the house. I was surprised when I found that their front door was unlocked.
"I thought Y/N always locked the door as soon as she got home from school," I mumbled as I walked in. I looked around, furrowing my eyebrows when nothing looked out of place or off.
"Y/N?" I yelled, waiting for her to respond. "I know you're home. Your car's in the driveway."
I jogged up the stairs, immediately going to her room. I walked inside and looked around, my heart sinking when there was no sign of her.
"Y/N? Where the hell are you?" I mumbled under my breath.
I sucked in a breath when I saw something in her bathroom. "Y/N!" I yelled as I ran towards her. I fell to my knees and gently pulled her into my chest.
"Y/N?" I asked, my voice breaking as I tried to get my best friend to wake up. "Wake up, please. Come on, Y/N."
I shakily reached for my phone, as I held Y/N close to my chest.
"911, what's your emergency?"
* * * * *
I sat in the waiting room, my bouncing knee practically shaking the whole floor. I looked around, finally noticing that her parents still haven't shown up and we've been here two hours.
"Stiles?"
I looked up to see Scott running towards me. I stood up and wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans. "What's going on?" Scott asked. "Is Y/N okay?"
"I don't know," I stuttered. "She's been hiding her anxiety and depression from us, Scott."
"Wait, what?"
"Yeah," I sighed. "I've seen the signs. Some of what happens to her, has happened to me. I've tried to talk to her about it but she just blew me off and said she was fine. I've called her a hundred times and sent her a thousand texts. She hadn't responded to any of them so I decided to go to her house. When I got there, the door was unlocked."
"That's weird," Scott mumbled as he glanced down the hallway towards Y/N's room. "She always locks the door the second she gets home. She's like religious about it."
"Exactly. Her house looked completely normal but I couldn't find her. I went up to her room and. . . I found her passed out on her bathroom floor. . . Next to an empty pill bottle."
"Holy shit," Scott mumbled. We sat down, neither one of us saying anything. A few minutes later, we noticed Scott's mom walking towards us. I jumped up, Scott instantly jumping up too.
"How is she?" I asked before she could even start to explain.
"She's fine," she sighed, a small chuckle leaving her lips. "We're actually very lucky that you found her when you did."
"That's great," Scott said, laughing in relief.
"I just don't understand why she would do this?" I asked under my breath.
"Well," Melissa cleared her throat. "Why don't you ask her? She's awake."
* * * * *
I stood outside Y/N's hospital room, hesitating to go inside. I wasn't sure if I was ready to see whatever state she was in. I took a deep breath before walking in. When I finally opened the door, Y/N slowly looked at me.
"Stiles?" She whispered. "What are you. . . What are you doing here?"
"I umm," I stuttered. "I went to your house when you didn't answer your phone and I. . . I found you. . . I found you passed out on your bathroom floor."
"Oh," she said under her breath. She looked away from me and down at her hands, beginning to play with the edge of the blanket draped over her.
When Y/N didn't say anything else, I sighed and walked over to the chair in the corner. I grabbed it and placed it closer to her bed.
"Y/N," I said gently, breaking the silence. "I've seen through your "I'm fine" act you've been so heavily depending on the past couple of months. I've seen through every brave face, every hidden second of pain. I've seen every time you've walked out on the pack because you were hiding an anxiety attack or depression episode. I know what's been going on and you have to talk to me about it."
"Why?" Y/N asked, barely audible.
"Because you're one of my best friends," I sighed, my frustration building.
"Stiles," she stuttered.
"No," I cut her off, not meaning to come off as harshly as I did. I sighed as I scooted closer to her. "Y/N," I said softer. "You don't have to hide this from the pack. Especially not from me."
"But I. . ." She stuttered, not finishing her thought. I hesitated before reaching over and grabbing her hand in mine. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
"Y/N, I know how hard depression and anxiety are. I know how it feels like you're drowning and can't quite seem to catch your breath. I know that every time you're having an anxiety attack, you go to the bathroom to go through it alone. Right?"
I held my breath as I waited for her to respond. The tears in her eyes finally started streaming down her cheeks as she nodded.
"How did you know?" She asked under her breath.
"Because that's what I do," I smiled as I reached up and caught a tear with my thumb, my hand lingering on her cheek. "I push it down until I can get alone. But you don't have to do that anymore, Y/N. You've got a pack who would do anything to take care of you and a best friend who knows exactly what you've been through."
Y/N finally let out the sob that she has been holding in. I jumped up and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into my chest. I held her as she cried, her whole body shaking in my arms.
"I'm sorry," she said over and over again.
"You don't have to be," I reached up and ran my fingers through her hair. "I'm just happy you're okay. I don't know what I would do if I lost you, Y/N."
Y/N pulled out of my arms and looked down at our hands, intertwining our fingers. "I'm sorry, Stiles," she whispered. "I should've told you sooner, I just. . . I should've known my best friend would understand more than most."
"It's more than that," I said slowly as I gathered more courage.
"What do you mean?" Y/N said, tilting her head slightly.
I took a deep breath as I gathered as much courage as I could. When I had enough, I blurted it out. "I love you, Y/N."
"I know," she smiled a little as she looked away.
"No," I cut her off. "No, you don't know."
I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. I sat back down and scooted the chair closer to Y/N's bed. I reached over, grabbing her hand in both of mine.
"I'm in love with you, Y/N," I said gently as I studied her face. "I have been since we were in middle school."
"Really?" Y/N asked quietly. I laughed as I nodded and reached up, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.
"Really," I chuckled. "You're more than just my best friend, Y/N. You're my dream girl, the girl I've had my eyes on and never looked anywhere else, the girl I've dreamed about finally being with for years. I'm completely, overly, madly in love with you, Y/F/N Y/L/N."
I held my breath as I waited for her to respond. She looked at me, blinking a couple of times. I was just about to apologize and awkwardly leave the room when Y/N grabbed my face and pulled me towards her. I fell onto the edge of the bed as she pressed her lips to mine.
It didn't even take me half a second to start kissing her back. I felt her smile into the kiss as our lips moved in sync. I broke the kiss and leaned my forehead against hers as we caught our breath.
"I love you too, Stiles," she whispered, breaking the silence. I leaned back to look at her with a goofily big smile on my face.
"Really?" I asked, reaching up and tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. She chuckled as she bit her bottom lip.
"Really."