"WHAT?! You're kidding right?" Maxi asked in anxiety.
"I wish I am." I said.
Lorraine and Maxi looked at each other in skepticism and give me back the look.
"So all this time you're in love with the wrong Pangilinan?" Lorraine asked.
I sighed and slowly nodded.
"Have you and Sander talked about this?"
I shook my head.
After I knew about the truth. I went home but neither of them I didn't let me drive home. Sander was confused as to why I acted different that day. Both of them kept on calling and texting me, but I'm not answering. I didn't go to school for a week and lied to my parents that I wasn't feeling well. They're always visiting to my house but I'm not showing up to them. After what I knew? I don't know how to face them. I don't even know if I still have feelings for Sander after I knew about the truth.
I don't know who to tell about this.
Until Lorraine and Maxi visited me in the house. I only told them today the reason of my absence in school.
"You have to talk to him. Hindi naman pwedeng habang buhay mo silang iiwasan noh!" Maxi snapped.
"Hindi ko alam paano sila haharapin okay?" I blurted.
"You know! Natatakot ka lang!" Lorraine said.
I just sighed.
"Kung sakaling nalaman mong si Sanjie ang batang 'yon noon pa. Magugustuhan mo pa ba si Sander?" Maxi asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. "Honestly, hindi ko talaga alam."
They just stared at me.
"I'm so unfair, right? Noon gustong-gusto ko pa siya dahil siya yung unang naging kaibigan ko noong bata pa ako. Pero ngayong malaki na kami at nalaman ko ang totoo... parang hindi ko na alam."
"I'm really unfair. Siguro kung nung una pa lang ay nalaman ko na ang totoo, none of this would've happen." I began again.
"Bakit ba nangyayari sa'kin 'to? Hindi ito yung gusto kong mangyari. Hindi ito yung love story na gusto kong mangyari."
"I don't want Sander to be on one-sided love. He doesn't deserve it." I said.
Maxi tapped my shoulder. "Hindi mo naman inaasahang mangyayari 'to. Lahat tayo, hindi natin alam na mangyayari ang bagay na 'to."
"Naguguluhan na ako. Before, I was sure about my feelings.. but now? I don't know anymore." I mumbled.
"Everything happens for a reason Aniah girl. Maybe this happened para malaman ni Sander ang salitang love. Kailangan rin niyang maranasan kung paano umibig. Dahil alam nating wala sa bokabularyo niya ang salitang pag-ibig."
I just stared at her.
"She's right. And maybe this arisen to Sanjie because he was waiting for the right time to tell you the truth. I know it's really hard for him to hide the truth to you, because he knows how madly in love you are to Sander, kaya mas lalo siyang nahihirapang sabihin sa'yo. He doesn't want to ruin your prosperity, that's why he kept it for so long." Lorraine explained.
I sighed. "Pero bakit ganun katagal?"
They also sighed. "May dahilan siya kung bakit niya pinatagal Aniah girl." Maxi replied.
"Ten years, girls. I waited for ten years!"
"This also arisen to you Aniah girl, maybe for you to learn that you're loving the wrong Pangilinan, and also maybe for you to know if once you find out the truth, you're still gonna love the wrong San." Lorraine told.
"Yun na nga eh! All this time I've been loving the wrong San. Ang stupida ko masyado para hindi iyon mapansin!" I grunted.
Maxi shook her head. "You're not stupid Aniah, nagmahal ka lang."
I shook my head. "I am stupid Maxi. Oo, nagmahal nga ako pero maling tao naman ang minahal ko." I replied.
"So you regret loving Sander?"
I looked at Lorraine and she was giving me a serious look.
"H-Hindi.." I responded weakly.
Then I was surprised when she handed me my phone. I looked at her in confusion and she just squinted her eyes at me.
"W-What am I going to do with this?" I asked.
"Kaysa namang magmukmok ka dyan. You call Sander or Sanjie. Basta! Tawagan mo ang isa sa kanila and talk to them." She replied.
I stared at my phone. Is she even serious? I don't know how to start a conversation with them. I stopped talking to them after that day.
"Lorraine's right, Aniah girl. Call one of them and talk. You have to clarify things between the Pangilinan's." Maxi agrees.
I sighed and have no choice but to call the number one of the Pangilinan's. Lorraine and Maxi were just staring at me. It started ringing and my heart whips faster when he answers the call. Okay. Take a deep breath Aniah.
(Zephaniah?)
"C-Can we talk?"
***
"I'm glad that you talked to me."
My heart's beating so fast. I think it's going to erupt. After a week of not seeing him, now here he was. Standing in front of me.
"Sanjie..."
He smiled. "I missed you."
My heart is pounding. Should I tell him that I missed him too? I'm averting them but I kinda missed them...so much.
I told him to go here at my house because this is where I wanted to talk to him.
Why did I decided to talk to Sanjie and not with his cousin, Sander? Because I wanted to clarify things with him first. Since after that day, when I started avoiding them. I was thinking about what I knew from him that day.
"So, what are we going to talk about?" He asked.
I took a deep breath. "About what you said that day." I said.
He slowly nodded. "I told Sander about it and he was...really surprised." He opened.
"W-What did he say?" I asked.
He rubbed his hair and took a deep breath. "He didn't say anything. He's just quiet but he was shocked when I told him about ten years ago."
I remained silent. I don't know how to face Sander after this.
"And I think he somehow thought that maybe you're in love with him because you assumed he was me ten years ago." He proceeded.
"Did you regret liking him?" He asked.
I promptly shook my head. "I never did Sanjie." I replied.
"Then you must talk to him." He said.
I nodded. "May plano naman akong kausapin siya pagkatapos nito."
He just gradually nodded. So I stared at him and sighed. Gosh! This is so difficult!
"What should we do now?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" He asked back confusingly.
"This..." I just said.
He washed his face with a bare hand. "Well, it's apt to you."
I stayed silent.
"You still have feelings for him right?"
I nodded. "But I also have feelings for you, Sanjie." I said.
He smiled painfully. "You can't love two people at the same time Zephaniah."
"Hindi ko naman sinabing mamahalin ko kayo ng sabay." I complain.
His eyes broadened. "You mean, you're going to choose?" He asked surprisingly.
I nodded. "I don't have a choice Sanjie. Hindi naman kasi pwedeng mahalin ko kayong dalawa dahil isa lang naman ang puso ko."
He just stared at me.
"Ayokong ipagpatuloy 'to. Ayokong isa sa inyo ang ma involve sa tinatawag nating one-sided love. Ayokong maging ganun ang takbo ng buhay pag-ibig ko."
"Ayokong sirain ang magandang definition niyo sa love nang dahil lang din dito...Dahil nasaktan kayo at natatakot ako baka isarado niyo ang puso niyo dahil sa naging karanasan niyo sa pag-ibig." I continued.
"Kapag pumili ka naman, isa sa amin ang masasaktan." He snapped.
"That person will understand why...or so I thought? I'm not sure. Kaysa naman kasing manatili tayong tatlo sa ganitong sitwasyon diba. Ayoko nito Sanjie."
"Ayoko rin naman ng ganito Zephaniah. Ayokong manatili tayong tatlo sa ganito. Nakakapagod ng masaktan." He said.
I was shocked by what he said.
"Ang makita kitang masaya sa piling ng iba ay masakit sa akin dahil pakiramdam kong hindi kita magawang pasayahin." He continued.
I was about to talk when he continued.
"I know I sounded so selfish pero masama bang ipagkait kita sa iba? Kasi tulad mo ay nagmamahal lang rin ako."
Yes... He sounded very territorial. Should I be happy with that?
"You know how fair I am with you and Sander right? Nakikita mo naman yun diba?" I asked.
"Ngunit ayokong may kahati sa oras mo, Zephaniah." He blurted.
"I don't want to be unfair with Sander." I complain.
"Then choose." He demanded.
"It's not yet the right time." I said.
"Then when's the right time? Kapag isa sa amin ang sumuko na?" He asked.
"Why? Are you giving up?" I asked back.
He halted for a minute and started again talking. "That's unreasonable Zephaniah."
"I'm not being unfair Sanjie. Hinahati ko na nga ang oras ko sa inyong dalawa. I give you my time and attention." I said.
"Your time and attention isn't enough."
"Then what else do you need?" I asked.
His face went serious. "Your love."
I froze. M-My what?
"Hindi mo kayang ibigay yun diba? Dahil si Sander pa rin. Kahit sinabi ko na sa'yo ang totoo ay hindi pa rin magbabago ang nararamdaman mo para sa kanya."
"Y-You don't know anything. Hindi ikaw ang nakakaramdam dahil nararamdaman ko ang pinag-uusapan natin dito, Sanjie."
"You're right! I don't know anything pero nakikita ko sa mga mata mo na siya pa rin hanggang ngayon." He said.
I went silent.
He scoffed. "Sabagay! Sampung taon mo siyang hinintay. Sa sampung taon na yun akala mo siya ang batang 'yon."
I didn't answer because he's right. For ten years, I thought Sander was the boy who reached me when I was crying. As I knew it was Sanjie, I almost lost consciousness.
I thought I was going crazy because what a total twist in my life. I believed it was him because of the hankie. It had his name on it and without knowing it was his cousin, Sanjie, all along. Why I haven't known that before?
The next thing I knew Sanjie stood up and I did the same. I looked at him confusingly while he's staring at me.
"W-Where are you going?" I asked.
"Aalis na ako." He responded.
"W-Why?" I asked in turmoil.
"We can't elucidate this thing. You're still not certain about your feelings."
I just stared at him.
He sighed. "Kailangan niyong mag-usap ni Sander. You need to open up this matter to him. He's just waiting for you."
After he said that, he turn his back on me and began walking towards the door. I wanted to stop him but I couldn't. I don't dare to do that. Until then he was out of my sight—He left.
I sat on the settee and took a deep breath, then washed my face using my bare hand.
We can't clarify this thing? Why? Because I'm still not over with Sander? He's right. I think?
I decided to call Lorraine but instead, she answers the call, I heard her voicemail. Ok I think she's busy right now. So I decided to call Maxi and I began dialing her digits.
It was ringing, so I'm expecting that she will answer. After the second ring, she picked up.
(So how did it go?) She asked as she answers the call.
I sighed instead of answering.
(Oh! What happened?) She asked.
"It didn't go well." I open up.
(Why? What happened? What did you guys talk about?)
"I only wanted to elucidate things with him tapos hindi ko na alam kung anong sumunod na nangyari." I replied.
(Bakit mo naman nasabi? Anong ibig mong sabihin na hindi mo na alam ang sumunod na nangyari?)
"Nag-away kami. Pinapapili niya kasi ako at yun ang hindi ko magawa tapos sabi niya na kahit sinabi na niya sa'kin ang totoo ay hindi pa rin magbabago ang nararamdaman ko para kay Sander."
(Sinabi mo naman sa kanya ang totoo diba?) She asked.
"Oo naman! I clarified to him na gusto ko si Sander at gusto ko rin siya. Kaya lang pinapili niya ako at doon ako nahirapan dahil hindi ko magawang pumili. Alam niyo namang ayokong isa sa kanila ang masaktan dahil hindi talaga kakayanin ng konsensya ko."
(You have to be honest with your feelings and should be brave enough to choose who to love once in your life, Aniah girl) Maxi advised.
"I tried Maxi but I just can't. Believe me, I really tried."
(Pero bakit ganun pa rin? Dahil ibig sabihin nun ay kulang pa. Hindi mo pa nagagawa yung best mo)
I stayed silent and she proceeded to talk.
(You have to be brave enough to face this. Isipin mong isa itong pagsubok na kailangan mong ma-accomplish dahil kapag hindi mo ito nagawa, you'll fail) She followed.
"And your point is?" I asked.
(You must first talk to Sander. Then find out if there still was)
"Paano ko malalaman?"
(Simple. Hear what your heart tells you)
"You mean. Before I clarify it to Sanjie, I should talk first to Sander dahil ang lahat ng ito ay isang pagkakamali?"
(Hindi mo pwedeng sabihing isang pagkakamali ang magustuhan si Sander dahil sa loob ng sampung taon na yun ay alam nating totoo ang nararamdaman mo para sa kanya kahit huli na nung sinabi sa'yo ni Sanjie ang katotohanan)
"Hindi ko naman pinagsisisihan na minahal ko ang isang tulad ni Sander kahit na si Sanjie pala ang batang 'yon. I still thank him because if it weren't for him, hindi ko malalaman ang totoong ibig sabihin ng love."
(Eh yun naman pala! What are you still waiting for? Call him and tell him that you wanna talk to him)
"Natatakot akong harapin siya." I said.
(Hindi ka natatakot harapin siya kundi natatakot kang masaktan siya sa oras na sabihin mo sa kanya ang totoo) She corrected.
I was silent. I think she's right. Honestly, I don't want Sander to get hurt because aside from he doesn't deserve it. His only intention is to love someone...
I think it's time to face Sander and tell him everything that I feel for him and his cousin. Be brave enough Zephaniah.
***
"Sander..."
He looked at me. "Zephaniah? What are you doing here?" He asked surprisingly.
"I know you weren't expecting me to be here, but I just wanted to talk to you. Are you busy?"
He stared at me, and I'm waiting for his answer.
"I'm not busy." He said after his moment of stillness.
I smiled at him and let me enter his house.
"Manang, can you prepare an orange juice? I have a visitor today." Sander said to one of his maids.
"Sige hijo!"
"Thank you." He said and looked at me.
"Let's go to the living room."
And he began walking towards the living room, so I followed him. As we reached the living room, he let me sit on their couch and Sander excused himself first because he was going to get something in his room.
So while waiting, one of his maids entered the living room.
She was in her 40's I think? She's holding a tray with two orange juices on it. She gave me a smile and I smiled at her back, then she placed the two orange juices on the table that's in front of me.
"Thank you po." I thanked them and she just smiled at me and I was astonished when she bowed to me.
She was about to leave when I called her, so she looked back.
"How long have you been working here po?" I asked politely.
"Bata pa lang si Sander nandito na ako hija." She replied.
I nodded. "So kilala mo po si Sanjie.."
She smiled and nodded. "Sobrang close ang dalawang 'yon. Magkapatid ang turingan nilang dalawa at hindi mo talaga sila mapaghihiwalay. Mabait na bata si Sanjie at ganun din ang pinsan niyang si Sander."
I smiled at what she said.
"Maraming nagsasabi na suplado itong si Sander dahil hindi ito nakikihalubilo sa ibang tao pero kapag mas makilala siya ng mga tao talaga, mabait ito katulad ni Sanjie." She continued.
"Iyon nga po ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa paligid niya." I answered.
"Hija, kung iyong hindi mamasamain. Okay lang ba kung may itatanong ako sa'yo?" She asked.
"Okay lang po sa'kin. Ano po ba iyon?"
"May gusto ka ba kay Sander?"
"P-Po?" I asked in surprise.
She was about to reiterate her question when Sander postponed us.
"Si manang talaga! Kung ano-anu ang tinatanong sa bisita ko." He said jokingly.
Manang looked at him. "Natanong ko lang kasi hijo. Ngayon ka lang nagpapunta ng babaeng bisita dito."
Sander smiled. "May pag-uusapan lang kami manang kaya siya nandito." He said.
Manang was about to say something when Sander told her to take some rest because she worked all day. So manang have no choice but to do as what Sander said and she excused herself.
As manang left the living room. Sander looked at me.
"I hope Manang didn't made you feel uncomfortable." He said and sat beside me.
I shook my head. "She didn't. Masaya akong nakausap ko siya." I answered.
He nodded.
"Matagal na palang naninilbihan sa inyo si Manang. Ayaw pa ba niyang mag retire?" I asked.
"She doesn't want to retire yet. Mahirap para sa kanya ang iwan ang mga tao dito sa bahay dahil parang pamilya na rin kami para sa kanya. Bata pa lang ako nandito na siya." He responded.
I slowly nodded and just listened to him.
"She's like my second mother. She took care of me ever since I was a kid. Kapag busy sina mommy sa trabaho ay nandyan naman siya para iparamdam sa'kin na hindi ako nag-iisa." He continued.
"You know what? Minsan matuto ka ring makihalubilo sa ibang tao. Hindi naman masama 'yon Sander." I said.
"I don't know how to associate with other people. I'm an introvert." He replied.
"You just have to at least try. Nandito naman ako eh. I will help you. Para hindi pangit ang impression sa'yo ng mga tao."
He smiled at me. "Thank you." And I smiled at him back.
"So maiba tayo. Sa tingin ko, alam ko na kung anong gusto mong pag-usapan." He altered the topic.
My smile faded and remained silent.
He hold my hand. "About ten years? Sanjie told me everything."
I was still silent.
"You thought I was that black haired boy you met under a tree ten years ago." He said teasingly.
I smiled painfully.
"Is that the reason why you like me? Because you thought I was Sanjie ten years ago? Because my name was on the hankie you kept for a decade?" He asked softly.
"Hindi lang dahil dun. Masaya akong mas nakilala pa kita Sander." I said.
He just stared at me.
"Naisip ko na rin dati na ang layo mo sa batang nakilala ko sampung taon na ang nakalilipas, pero mas gusto pa rin kitang kilalanin at hinayaan mo akong kilalanin ka Sander."
"But you like Sanjie right?" He asked.
I sighed. "I won't deny it." I answered.
He didn't talk.
"Hindi ko lubos maisip kung paano nangyari yun? Paanong na in love pa rin ako sa iba kahit na may mahal na ako?" I asked.
"Because you didn't really love that person much, that's why you fell in love with someone else." He retorted.
I just stared at him and didn't say a word.
"Maybe you were preordained to be with Sanjie instead of me. Gusto ng tadhana na kayong dalawa kaya pati si Sanjie ay pinilit niya na sabihin sa'yo ang totoo." He continued.
"Why won't you choose him?" He asked.
"Kasi ayokong masaktan ka kapag pinili ko siya." I answered.
He chuckled. "So what kung masaktan ako?" He asked.
But before I could answer his question. He said something.
"Parte naman iyon ng pagmamahal diba? Ang masaktan."
I became silent about what he just said. I don't know what to say. He never fell in love before but he sounded like he was.
"Don't think about me Zephaniah." He said.
"Hindi naman pwede 'yon Sander. I don't want to be happy if someone's hurting." I complain.
"How would you know it's love if there's no pain Zephaniah?" He asked.
I froze. I got stunned by his question. He really sounded like he fell in love before.
"I understand you like him more and I know you're going to choose him. Don't think about me anymore and follow what your heart tells you." He said.
"Sander..." I cannot believe this!
He smiled. "Naiintindihan kita and believe me when I tell you that. Hindi ko kayang magalit sa'yo Zephaniah. I love you and I want you to be happy, so do what makes you happy."
"I..I can't." I utter.
"You can Zephaniah." He said.
I didn't talk.
"Please stop thinking about me and my feelings. I want you to be happy and you won't be happy as long as you're thinking about me." He began again.
"I'll wait for the right person to come into my life, so don't worry about me. I'll always be here for you, as your friend. I mean it, Zephaniah." He added.
I hugged him and he hugged me back.
"I'm so sorry Sander."
He don't deserve this. I love him but he's right...I love Sanjie more.
He laughed. "Don't apologize, silly! It's not your fault. Nagmamahal lang tayo at hindi natin kasalanan kung bakit nangyayari ito. May mga bagay lang talaga na hindi para sa atin kaya kailangan nating tanggapin ito."
"Why are you like that?" I asked.
"Because I know this is the right thing to do. I understand you and if you truly love the person, you have to let them do what makes them happy. I'm not selfish and I don't want to be selfish." He answered.
"Thank you so much Sander."
"Just you remember that I will always be here for you no matter what."