It's been 6 weeks since David and I have called it quits. Well, I call it a pause, but who knows what he's thinking.
After running into him a month ago, he's been a little bit more willing to spend time with us. He's been coming to the weekly dinners and comes to hangout with JJ at least once a week. But he leaves as soon as the the play dates done. He is trying everything in his power not to be alone with me.
I understand though. I mean I do a little. He needs to focus on his recovery. But I wish he would let me be there for him. I have this desire to help in any way possible. I want to make things easier for him.
Which makes what I'm waiting for right now, that much harder to think about.
I pace back in forth in the bathroom as I wait for the timer to go off.
So many thoughts are running through my head— I mean I didn't plan for this. Did I think of it as a possibility? Well, yeah. But did I really think this was going to happen from the two times we had sex? I mean I've always wanted more kids, and how David acts with JJ it shows how great a father he would be. But it would be such horrible timing. What if this sets him back? It would be all my fault.
I am on an emotional roller coaster right now. I have hope that it will be in my favor. There's this fear that creeps up on me that David and I aren't meant to be, therefore this isn't meant to be. And that scares the shit out of me.
The timer goes off and I turn the pregnancy test over.
Tears well up in my eyes but I wipe them away before they fall. I need to go to bed. Tomorrow's a big day.
:::
"JJ" I yell for the third time. "Honey, I need you to find your shoes; we have to go!"
"I want David." He whines.
"Lucky for you, he's coming. But that can't happen if you don't hurry up!" I say frustrated.
I let out a grunt the exact moment David opens the door. "Are you guys ready?" He asks.
"No!" I snap back at him.
"Woah," he approaches me and puts his hands on my shoulders and I automatically relax. This is the first time he's touched me in 6 weeks. "What's wrong?"
"We still have so much to do." I say after taking some deep breaths. "JJ is being a pain." I wail my arms in the direction of my stubborn child, "and we still need to pick up flowers before we go. I don't know why I thought we could get this done before going to Sunday supper."
"I'll help get JJ ready." He offers. "Then we can be on our way."
David was able to get JJ ready in record time and we got everything done I was stressing about. "JJ, it's important you stay by us. It's a big place and we don't want you to travel far." I turn around to look at him as David drives. With the amount of time he's been spending with JJ he got his own car seat for the his vehicle.
"Can I have the flowers?" JJ asks.
"You can carry them." I smile. "But remember they aren't for you."
:::
One year ago, I lost to the love of my life. It feels like I've been going through the motions, which I was able to do when it was just me. But now with a three month old baby; I can't do that anymore.
I step out of my car and make my way to the his tombstone. I've been here many times, but this time feels different. It's the first time I have been here since JJ and with it being the anniversary of his death it just seems so much more permanent.
As I approach his site, I notice the familiar build of the person that's already there. I gasp before turning around; I can come back later.
"Sarah!" I hear him yell to grab my attention. When I turn around he's running after me.
"I can leave." He offers.
I take a deep breath at how ridiculous I'm being. "It's fine. We can manage being in the same place together."
Relief washes over his face as he nods and we make our way to James.
I place the flowers next to the grave, take out a blanket and sit in silence.
Sam thinks it's weird that I do this, but I don't want to just visit, I want to spend time with him. Okay, I admit it's a little weird. But it works for me.
I didn't bring JJ because that would have been a disaster. I pull out a picture of JJ and set it next to me so that he could be there in a way and James can meet him.
God I sound ridiculous.
"Where's JJ today?" David asks as he points to the picture.
"He's with Jim and Suzanne." I share. "They wanted to spend time with him today. Said it would make them feel closer to James."
"Makes sense." David says. "How is the little guy?"
"He's a diva." I joke. "He's a baby." I crinkle my nose, "he's very needy and it's hard doing it alone. But I have a great support system. I'm getting by." I give a reassuring smile.
He nods his head. "I wish I could meet him." He says more to himself than me.
I look at him and see how serious he is. I see the regretful look on his face from all the things he's done.
"Maybe someday."
He shifts on his feet, clearly uncomfortable.
"You don't need to stand there awkwardly." I say fighting a smile. "You can sit down if you'd like."
Shock covers his face but he quickly covers it.
I mean I'm not heartless. I don't hate David. Hate is a strong word.
Do I blame him for the loss of James? Yes. But do I hate him for it? No. What I hate is his inability to cope with his feelings.
He joins me on the blanket and silence falls over us.
Normally I would talk to him, but not today, not with an audience.
After awhile my phone rings, breaking me from my thoughts. I answer it and immediately roll my eyes. JJ drank all the milk I had given them and he's hungry... again.
"I need to get going." I say out loud after hanging up the phone. I look at James' plot, "I miss you, James, every day. Your son has your eyes and every day he does something adorable and cute that I wish I could tell you." A tear slides down my cheek, "I'll see you in a month, I love you."
I begin to pack up my things.
"You come here every month?" David asks as he helps me fold the blanket.
I nod my head. "Except for the past few months since JJ's been born. But I need to start up again."
"Maybe I can join you next time?" He asks.
I shake my head. "I'd prefer if you didn't."
Disappointment covers his features.
"I didn't mean it like that." I say feeling guilty, "it's just being alone with James is my only solace it seems."
He nods but doesn't say anything as we begin walking to our vehicles.
"David," I say before we part ways, "take care of yourself."
"I'm trying."
"Try harder." I blurt out before I could filter myself.
He looks at me confused, probably not sure what to think of my words.
"One day, I imagine a time where we can be civil, like we were today, and you have a relationship with JJ." I step closer to him. "I'm proud of you that you didn't show up here drunk. But I know what you look like after a night of heavy drinking."
He questions me with his eyes.
"David, your eyes are blood shot, you've been sweaty the whole time, and you have been continuously squinting your eyes, something you used to do to ease a hangover headache."
He looks down admitting everything I just said without using any words.
"Take care, David." I turn to leave.
"I don't know how else to cope." He yells back at me, his voice cracking.
I turn around. "Find a different way." I say as I get in my car and leave.
:::
JJ runs to see his dad.
"Hi daddy! It's me JJ" he says excitedly. "Mommy here too. And David! He's my best friend."
My heart melts at JJ's words. I take out a blanket and lay it down and then sit.
"You don't still come here every month, do you?" David asks.
I shake my head. "Now just on my birthday, James' birthday, and the anniversary of his death, like today."
"Daddy, I'm 3 now!" JJ says trying to show three fingers. "Mommy misses you, but David's been taking care of her! She isn't sad anymore."
David clears his throat. "Does he always talk to him?"
I chuckle, "this is the first time he's said so much. But usually that's what I do. I talk out loud to James."
"I remember."
JJ continues to talk to James, while David and I sit in silence.
I can almost imagine this conversation in my head; the one I would have with James about falling in love with his best friend.
He would support me, he would support us. All James has ever wanted is for me to be happy. And I know he felt the same way for David.
James would tell me that I would need to do everything I could to fight for what David and I have. Lord knows James did for me.
I haven't been able to get David out of my head these past 6 weeks. I even agreed to coffee with Michael to try and distract myself, but I only talked about David the whole time.
God. Sometimes I wish James was still here so I wouldn't have to deal with all of these emotions! Being with him was simple and easy. He made me happy.
If he was here, I wouldn't have to be going through any of this; my fears, worries, and the anxieties I have of every possible thing that could go wrong.
But he isn't.
James isn't here anymore. And because of that, I've found a new hope, another person to love, and a possibly of another future.
I need to embrace that. I need to fight for that.
James, I loved you with every part of me. I will always love you. And my love for David doesn't replace that. I have room in my heart for both of you. I will always remember my love for you and the amazing life we had planned. But I also have room for my love for David, and I am going to love him
just as you loved me; with everything I have.
"Hey, Sarah." David says breaking my thoughts. "Do you mind if I stay a little tonight after JJ goes to bed? I have a lot to talk to you about."
I smile spreads across my face. This is progress, right? He wants to spend some time together?
"I'd like that."
After a little while longer, it's time to go so we can get to supper.
"Okay, sweet pea." I say grabbing JJ's attention, who is still talking. "We have to get going."
"But you didn't talk to him." He whines.
"I talked to him in my head." I smile.
"Okayyy" he groans "let's go."
"You guys go ahead, I need a second alone with James." David says.
I offer a reassuring smile as JJ and I make our way to the car.
"Mommy!" JJ squeals, "I had so much fun talking to daddy!"
"That's great, honey." I say as I buckle him into his seatbelt.
"Do you think he was listening?" JJ asks his blue eyes shining from the sun reflecting off them.
"I know he was." I kiss him on the nose and sit in the passenger seat.
"David will be done shortly and we will go see grandma and grandpa."
"Mommy," JJ says, "I love David."
"I do too, baby." I say, "so much."
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~JW