It's been three weeks since I've been in France. Audrine let me take her on a date last night. It was spectacular. My parents were out late socializing with clients, so it was easy to sneak out of the hotel to meet her at the bar. I liked her laugh, and I liked that I was able to make her laugh so much. I liked to hear her talk too, and she told me a lot about her life here, about her family, and how she likes working at the hotel and learning how to bake there. She told me about her dream to open up a restaurant of her own some day.
I only have two more months here, but I'm going to spend every second of it getting to know as much as possible about Audrine. I want to know every single thing about her, what makes her tick, what makes her smile. I want to smell her hair every morning, and feel her skin every night. Two months isn't nearly as much time as I need, but I'll make do with what I've got.
Reading this today feels like fate because it's been almost exactly three weeks since I've been in France as well. I feel like I almost could have written this journal entry from my grandpa. Like we're the same person, living the same timeline, just in different decades.
That makes me think about what will happen in two months when I go back to the States. I've been messaging Silas back and forth for the past few days since the kiss, but we haven't really talked about what this relationship is. But does it even make sense to put a label on it, when we know that it won't last more than a few months?
Maybe it doesn't make sense to even kiss at all, knowing that the end is in sight, and it's inevitable. But I can't believe that kissing him is the wrong move, because it felt so right. Even now, three days later, I still can't stop thinking about it. And when I start thinking about that kiss, I start thinking about what it would feel like if that kiss continued. What it would be like to feel his tongue on my lips, to feel his hands on me.
Getting distracted by the vivid imagery floating around in my mind, I'm snapped back into reality when I get a Skype message.
"Salut, butt smasher," Silas greets me using my Skype username. He'll never let me live that down. "Are you ready for our dinner competition tonight? Or are you too scared?"
I have been kind of dreading this mac and cheese vs. whatever-he-makes challenge, because I know that I'll lose. And I hate losing. But I do love spending time with Silas more, so I don't back out. I'm laying out at the pool in the back of the hotel I've been staying at, so it'll take some time for me to get up and ready, but it's only two in the afternoon, so we have plenty of time before dinner.
The sun is begging me to stay put in my relaxing daybed by the pool, luring me into a sense of calm as it soaks every inch of my skin except for the pale parts that are hidden by my bikini. I message Silas back saying that I'll be there in an hour and a half, which should give me enough time to cool my sun kissed skin in the pool a little bit before returning to my room to shower and get dressed.
I feel like I've gotten pretty tan during my stay here in France because when I'm not spending time with Audrine and Silas, I'm usually spending my time at the pool either swimming or sunbathing. It's a small hotel, so not many people are ever out there. I think I'm the only person that has stayed for so long, because it seems like the strangers I see at the pool have been rotating out each week. Some families, some couples, some people just by themselves. But they never seem to stay for very long.
Today, I'm just wearing jeans and a floral tank top. My damp hair pulled into a ponytail to keep it out of my face. I don't put on makeup today, only slather some chapstick onto my lips in an attempt to keep them soft.
Before I leave, I make sure to apply a hefty amount of deodorant to my pits and underboobs to avoid any sweat smell from my walk to the house. The weather today is a bit cooler than it usually is, but I can never be too safe about underboob sweat.
Silas took all of my mac and cheese ingredients with him so that he could store them at the house instead of in my hotel room, so I just have my small over the shoulder purse to take with me. At the house, I've discovered that the best way to get to the side door that leads upstairs is to stay along the edge of the restaurant so that I'm not in anybody's way as they're working the restaurant.
When I'm here to see Silas and I know that Audrine is working, I've sometimes popped in to see her in the bakery. I just go straight upstairs today though, because I know that she'll be needed to help judge our dinner competition. Maybe I should have stopped by to see her though, and tried to make a deal with her to bribe her into voting for my mac and cheese.
Although I'm so competitive that I really want to win, I know that it wouldn't work, and I don't want to win by cheating anyway. I guess.
Upstairs, I walk into the apartment, but there's no smell. I'm usually greeted by the mouth watering smells of whatever is being cooked in the kitchen. Today, the kitchen is unbothered and Silas is nowhere to be seen.
I sit my purse down on the couch where I always keep it, and walk down the hallway to Silas's room where I hear music playing. The door is open, so I see him sitting at his desk, facing away from me, browsing a website on his laptop. Not realizing that I'm here, he's quietly singing along to the French song, and I think that it's really cute.
"I guess you'd win a singing competition too, huh?" I voice my presence and decide to tease him about his singing. Although it was too quiet to even hear if it was good or bad, I still want to take the chance to tease him, because the opportunity rarely presents itself.
Silas jumps in his chair, quickly closes his laptop, and spins around to see me standing in the doorway. "How long have you been standing there?" he asks me in a rushed voice. "You scared me."
"I can see that," I laugh. "I just got here."
"Are you hungry?" he pauses the music and stands up from the desk, adjusting his gray t-shirt.
"Hungry for victory," I respond with a smile. Even though I'm sure I'll lose, that doesn't mean that I won't trash talk my way through this entire thing.
"I think I'm about to have the last of that," Silas doesn't skip a beat. "I don't think there's going to be any left for you."
"I'm sure I'll find some somewhere," I quip, before turning my attention back to the laptop that he was very quick to shut when I got here. I wasn't looking at what he was browsing, but now I'm curious. "What were you doing when I came in?"
"Nothing," he says quickly-- too quickly. When he realizes how suspicious that sounded, he just shrugs and says, "It's a secret."
"Okay," I say slowly, still suspicious, but I don't want to pry. "I'm actually not that hungry right now. Are you?"
"No," Silas shakes his head. "What do you want to do until then?"
I think that my answer is obvious-- I want to kiss him. I want to spend now until forever kissing him, and nothing else. Never separating my mouth from his. I don't say that though, and instead I just say, "Can you show me what kind of music you listen to?"
"Sure," he motions toward the bed and says, "Have a seat."
He sits back down at his desk and turns his laptop away from me, so that from where I'm now sitting on the edge of his comfortable mattress, I can't see what's on the screen. Again, it drives me crazy not knowing what's there and why it's such a secret, but I don't mention it.
"Right now, I'm listening to Stromae," Silas says as he types something on his computer that I can't see, and soon a song starts to play. It's in French, so of course, I can only catch a few words of what he's saying. As the song is playing, Silas turns the laptop around and hands it to me. "These are the translated lyrics."
On the screen is a website with two sets of lyrics, one in French and one in English, so I try to follow along with the French ones and glance over at the English to understand the words that I don't understand.
It sounds like pop music, and I find myself tapping my sneaker on the floor to the beat. It sounds pretty catchy too.
"This other band, I don't know if you'll like them, but I listen to them a lot," Silas takes the laptop back and starts playing another song. "They're called La Femme."
He doesn't hand me the laptop again, which I'm okay with, because it's pretty exhausting to have to follow along with two sets of lyrics when I'm listening to the music. I just sit back and listen to the songs that are playing now, which are more indie punk than the first artist that he showed me.
"I don't really listen to any English music anymore," he says.
"I don't really listen to any French music," I add, which is kind of a joke because obviously I don't listen to French music-- I barely understand any of the lyrics.
"Maybe you should," he suggests. "I mean, because listening to French music was one of the ways that helped me learn the language when I moved here. My mom liked old school artists like Francis Cabrel and Jeanne Mas, so I listened to them a lot."
"Okay, maybe I'll give it a try," I decide, because I would like as much help as I can get to improve my language skills. I do feel like I've improved so much in just the three weeks I've been here, but I still struggle quite a bit when I'm out on my own.
"This song is weird," Silas says as a new one comes on, but he doesn't change it. "It's basically just about some girl's boobs."
That makes me laugh, "Why would they write a song just for boobs?"
"I really don't know. It's a catchy song though," he shrugs at me, and then there's a silence in the room as he looks at me, his eyes boring into my head. I start chewing on my lip as his gaze is making me nervous. They're good nerves. "You have a really beautiful laugh."
His random compliment forces air to escape my lungs in the form of a small laugh. "Thanks," I mumble quietly. I feel like I should return the compliment-- I could compliment his perfect face, his chin dimple, bright blue eyes, thick dark hair. But I don't feel like it would be as genuine if it was following a compliment he just gave me. It would be better if I compliment him randomly like he just did to me.
"I'm just going to be honest with you, Maisie," Silas sits the laptop back down on the desk and swivels his desk chair to face me. Looking at me again, he rests his elbows on his knees to bend forward.
"Please do," I urge him to continue.
"I really want to kiss you again," he tells me bluntly. I press my lips together to stop another shocked laugh from escaping my throat. "But I don't want to make you uncomfortable, or cross any boundaries."
I take a moment to take in what he just said, and then I start to think about what I want to say, but I decide that I shouldn't think about it too much. Just tell him what I'm thinking, because I feel like that's what he just did to me and I should extend the same courtesy. "Honestly, Silas, I'm so into you that it's ridiculous. I don't think that I have any boundaries when it comes to you."
"Are you sure?" he questions me, but there's a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
I shrug, running my fingers through my hair. "I'll let you know if I find any."
After saying that, I know that it's true and if I ever feel uncomfortable, I'll stop things from continuing or going any further in the moment. But I can't imagine feeling uncomfortable around Silas. I think that even if he wanted to lay me on this bed right now and get me naked, I don't think that I would be able to object. I wouldn't want to. I'm not a virgin, and I doubt that Silas is either. I have no basis for this theory, except for the fact that he's so gorgeous. Of course, it could be a personal choice of his to abstain from sex.
I'm overthinking this conversation so badly that I don't notice Silas inching closer to me until our faces are only a few inches from each other.
"I'm ridiculously into you too, Maisie," he mumbles in a low voice. "For the record."
And then he kisses me. It starts out slow, like our first kiss. Today, he smells like shaving cream and his lips are just as soft as I remembered. The touch of our lips together is so gentle that it makes me want to grab him by the shirt and pull him closer, but I don't want to rush this. I like the gentle touch, and how much it drives me crazy.
I don't have to wait very long before Silas is getting closer to me of his own volition, pressing his lips tighter against mine.
I can feel my heart pounding like the beat of a loud drum in my chest, and I wonder if Silas can feel it too. I wonder if he can sense how breathless I feel when I feel his tongue on my lips.
He tastes like lemon.
Like an instinct, I start running my fingers through his soft hair and I can feel his broad hands tense up as they grip the outside of my thighs, just above my knees.
It's kind of an awkward kissing position, because he has to lean over the desk chair that he's still in to reach me and the bed is slightly higher than the chair, so I have to bend down to return the kiss. I don't mind the slight pain in my back though, and I allow for the awkward position because the kiss is amazing, and I don't want it to end.
But eventually, it does end. Silas leans away from me, separating our mouths from each other. I take a few moments to compose myself, to get my breathing even, and hopefully the rosiness out of my cheeks.
"We should probably start dinner soon," he decides, still catching his breath a little bit as he stands from the desk chair and places it back at the desk where his laptop is still playing French music.
I can't find any words to say, so I just follow him down the hallway to the kitchen. I would usually use this time to trash talk him and his cooking abilities, but my mind is so numb. I can't even think of the words to say.
In the kitchen, Silas starts getting out ingredients from the fridge. I wait for him to finish, and then I do the same. My mac and cheese recipe doesn't need a lot of ingredients, so it doesn't take very long to gather them on the counter.
"You can use this space to prep," Silas places a cutting board down on a piece of the counter. "I'll be over here."
The kitchen isn't very big, but we are on opposite ends as we prepare our separate dinners.
"Let the best meal win," he adds.
"I will, thanks," I finally gain the mental capacity to talk again as I organize my cheeses and start grating them on the cutting board. My hands are a little bit shaky, but it doesn't take long to gain my composure again. "I don't even know what you're making, I feel like you have an unfair advantage here."
"It's what adults eat, when they want something like mac and cheese," he says teasingly.
"That's mac and cheese, because it's an adult food," I insist with a laugh. "You'll see."
I try to make my mac and cheese more for adults by adding a few types of mushrooms, some fresh herbs from the market, and some seasonings that Audrine and Silas already have in the kitchen. I'm going based off of my grandma's recipe, but made a few tweaks in hopes of improving the dish. I hope that my 'improvements' don't actually just make it worse.
When I smell bacon coming from the stove, I instantly wish that I would have thought to put bacon in my dish too. Bacon makes everything better.
"Bacon is such a cheater move," I accuse Silas as I'm starting to boil my pasta.
"This isn't bacon," he tells me, focusing on the pan of bacon frying in a pan in front of him. "It's guanciale."
"Looks like bacon to me," I mumble dumbly. I have no idea what guanciale is, but it smells exactly like bacon and looks like bacon too.
"Do you want some for your mac and cheese?" Silas taunts me.
"No," I huff. "I don't need it."
We throw jabs at each other throughout the entire cooking process, and it's all really fun. His cockiness and the insults he throws at mac and cheese makes me laugh. I think he even laughs a few times when I insult his bacon cop out.
"Guanciale is a staple of a good carbonara," he justifies to me as he's putting his plate together. "Like, it's not a carbonara without some sort of pork product."
"Whatever you say," I continue to tease him, because even if I made the crappiest dish, I feel like it'd still taste good if I added bacon to it. So even though he's a better cook, adding bacon to his dish gives him even more of an advantage. I'm not upset that he's used bacon, I'm more just bitter about the fact that I didn't think of it first.
I've heard of carbonara before, but I guess I never really learned what it was. What Silas is putting onto his plate looks like a pasta dish with a light, creamy sauce. Topped with the pork meat, black pepper, and parmesan cheese.
Even though his dish looks really good and smells even better, I'm pretty proud of my macaroni and cheese. The pale yellow cheese mixed with the thick noodles and sauteed mushrooms looks delicious. It surely looks tastier than anything I've ever created before. Maybe it's the fresh ingredients here, or maybe it's the fact that I followed a very specific recipe handed to me by my grandma. Whatever it is, it looks good. Even if Silas does win our competition, I do think that I'm giving him a run for his money.
"Not bad," Silas also seems to approve of the look of my dish. "I'm actually pretty impressed."
"Yours could use some work," I joke with him, because he knows that his carbonara looks delicious, but I want to take any chance I get to knock him down a peg or two.
"No," he quickly shuts me down with a shake of his head. "It's perfect."
"Oh. Perfect, really?" I raise my eyebrows at him with a laugh. He pours two glasses of a deep red wine and sets them on the table, along with two empty plates.
When I sit down at the table, I start scooping up some of the mac and cheese onto my empty plate. Silas, instead of sitting across from me, sits beside me. Our knees bump together as we fill our plates with both dishes so that we can compare the two.
"You'll see," Silas assures me with his usual aura of confidence. And without giving me the chance to pick up my own bite of the pasta, he swirls his fork through the pasta and picks up a bundle of the pasta and brings it to my lips.
Just as he puts the fork into my mouth, I can hear the front door opening behind me. Assuming it's Audrine, I quickly take the pasta into my mouth and start laughing at how funny it is that she chose this moment, when Silas is literally feeding me dinner, to walk into the room.
"Smells good in here," she says. We both turn to look at her, and she's giving us a knowing smile. I'm sure she saw what was happening. She doesn't seem upset or anything, which is good. I don't think that she would be upset if me and Silas are flirting, but there was a part of me that was worried that she might get protective of him.
In the midst of the chaos, I almost forget to fully appreciate the taste of the carbonara. The sauce is thick and rich, the guanciale adds a smoky and salty flavor, and the parmesan is really good too. "Okay, this is amazing," I concede.
"Just in time, mamé," Silas tells Audrine as she grabs a plate and joins us at the table. "Dinner is served."
"So who's is this?" Audrine asks as she is scooping the mac and cheese onto her plate.
"It has to be anonymous," he insists before I can tell her that it's mine. I'm actually pretty proud that Audrine can't immediately tell which one is mine. I did think that it looked pretty good, but this just confirms that I did a pretty good job-- at least with the appearance. I haven't even tried it yet, so it might still taste like trash. "How's work going?"
"Busy," she sighs, scooping up some of Silas's pasta as well. "We sold out of maple croissants very quickly, they're a hit."
She continues talking about her day at work as we eat our separate plates of food, and I listen intently, but I just want to ask her which one is better the entire time that she's talking. I personally think that I did a really good job with my mac and cheese, and maybe it could win. I have tried both, but I don't think that I can even pick a favorite because I think that they're both really good. And I should also get bonus points, since I barely ever cook and I have basically zero experience.
Eventually, she looks at her watch and announces that it's almost time for her to get back to work.
"Okay, but before you go, we need a winner," Silas reminds her.
She pauses for a moment to think. "It's a really hard decision."
"You have to pick one," he urges.
"I'm a sucker for a carbonara, so I have to go with that one," Audrine finally says, and I let out a defeated groan.
"I was really worried there for a minute," Silas says with a grin.
"Congratulations, Silas," Audrine kisses the top of his head as she gets up and starts to head back to the door to return downstairs to finish off dinner service. "You've spent most of your life working in a restaurant, and you barely beat Maisie."
"I'm still taking the win," he insists.
"You two behave yourselves," she calls to us before she disappears back downstairs.
Once she's gone, I let out a dramatic sigh and say, "Well, I tried. And I think that I put up a pretty good fight."
"You did," he agrees with me as we continue eating. "You're definitely changing my mind about mac and cheese."
"Good," I smile at him. "I can be very persuasive."