"Are you okay?" Hvitserk asked with concern, as I still remained frozen. I feared I couldn't even speak, but showing fear would certainly make me look weak. So would showing emotion. But perhaps I was weak, perhaps all humans are and perhaps that is okay. It is, after all, what makes us human. Even the most powerful fall, the strongest break. Isn't that the beauty of life? "Gwen?" He asked again, making me look up at him from the middle distance that I was staring into. I could see the compassion on his face, a compassion that few had ever shown me.
"I'm sorry." I spoke, my voice barely above a whisper. The words sort of slipped out without me even meaning for them to. I never apologized, least of all to men. Especially not to one that I'd known for mere weeks. And yet, it was true. I was sorry. I was sorry because for some strange reason, I didn't want to push him away as I did with everyone else.
He looked down forwards the ground, a small frown, "I'm sorry too." He said calmly. "I shouldn't have let Ivar hurt those kids. I shouldn't have let him threaten you. I-"
"It's okay." I sighed, placing a hand on his arm. It took everything in me to swallow down my pride, to forgive and forget and simply move forward. But Ubbe was right, he always seemed to be. Hvitserk didn't deserve my wrath. In fact, I wasn't sure any of them did. Again a fear rose within me as I began to realise that I wasn't going to be able to kill them. I'd never struggled before but this time seemed different. Unsettlingly so. "I don't want to leave you thinking I hate you, Hvitserk. Who knows, in another world I may have even been able to consider you a friend."
He smiled, that same charming smile that always seemed to fill me with warmth. "Well-"
"You're a good person, Hvitserk." I interrupted, making him pause again. He looked at me, mildly concerned - almost as though he could see my inner turmoil. "Never change."
And with that I left, walking back towards the stone walls and out of the large wooden gates. My back pressed against the stone wall as I slumped to the ground. In the distance, I could hear the bustle of warriors within York. But here, here it was silent. My head fell into my palms as I sighed in annoyance. I had to secure York. I had to take it for my people. The other territories would fall from there. But, so long as the Ragnarssons lived I could never secure England for my people. And so, they had to die.
Surely there was no other way. Everything always seemed to end in death with these things. The answer, no matter the question, is always death. We all reach that same conclusion eventually.
But what if there was another way? What if I didn't have to be the monster that the world made me? Wasn't there more than that? Wasn't life about more than just death? Surely it must be. Surely, somewhere, there had to be another way.
Because after all the building of my stone walls, they'd been torn down again.
And I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to kill the sons of Ragnar.