Nobody slept that night. How could we? The air was full of death and grief. The sight of Andrea still sitting over Amy was heartbreaking, but there was nothing we could do to help except be there for her.
Daryl raised hell with the group after he saw what's happened to me. He was angry about my face, but he was also angry at the fact that I was alone when everything went down.
When he went to go confront Ed, he came back not looking as angry but with a few more blood splatters on him than before. Everyone panicked before he assured him it was walker blood. No one allowed Sophia to go near the tent, but Rick and Shane went with Carol to go check out what happened.
While they did that, Daryl dragged me to our tent and lectured me about jumping in the way I did, for wandering off the way I did too.
The Georgia sun was relentless even in the fall, so right now in the afternoon when the sun was at its peak it felt like a sauna. While the adults were working on clearing the camp of bodies, I was told to watch the kids. Neither of them slept that night either, especially Sophia.
Even though her dad was a piece of shit, he was still her dad, and I understood that. I felt so bad for her, I was just glad she didn't have to see it.
Sophia and Carl were both curled up onto my lap, each child using each thigh as a pillow. We were inside The Grimes' tent, waiting for them to be done with the bodies. Carl had finally fallen asleep with my arm draped over him protectively, and Sophia was just starting to doze off.
"Ellie?" Sophia called out softly from beside me. I looked down at her to see her staring up at me tiredly.
"Hmm?" I asked as I gently brought my hand up and combed my fingers through her short strawberry blonde hair.
"Are you still gonna leave?" She asked, the worry evident in her voice. After last night's attack, I could only imagine how scared she was.
With Merle gone and it just being me and Daryl now, I couldn't see why we'd leave. Just by us being here and helping clean up told me we weren't going anywhere.
"I don't think so," I replied as I gave her a reassuring smile. She nodded her head before snuggling back into my lap silently.
Finding out that they didn't find Merle in the city was a serious Texas Smash to the gut. Daryl wouldn't tell me much, just that he was gone when they got there, which really got me thinking, did Merle not come back for us because of me?
I sat there, throwing away my personal thoughts, continuing to hold each of the kids as I stared at the entrance of the tent, waiting. My gun was sitting on Carl's cot, ready to be drawn and used just in case. I swore to both Lori and Carol that I'd protect them with my life if needed, and I fully intended on keeping that promise.
Shouts were heard outside, I couldn't make out what they were saying, all I could hear was "Bit" so I could only imagine how good that conversation was going. Sophia jolted from her sleep at their shouting and I silently cursed them for being so loud. Sophia just fell asleep.
"Shh, it's okay, everything's okay," I whispered as I began to comb my fingers through her hair soothingly again.
She let out a few whimpers as she clung onto me but I just continued to mutter soothing words until she calmed down. The shouting stopped and was replaced with mutters from our—now—smaller group.
"Ellie?" Carl groaned out as he shifted under me. My attention turned from the entrance to his concerned icy blue eyes.
"What's up, C?" I whispered in an attempt to not wake up Sophia. Carl got comfortable beside me before continuing.
"Do you think they're gonna come back?" He was calm when asking, but the way his eyes moved around I could tell he was worried.
"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "But I do know that I wouldn't let anything happen to you guys, and Daryl would never let anything happen to me, so according to that logic you two are under Dixon protection."
Carl smiled as he seemed to be lost in thought when I heard footsteps begin to approach. They were calculated and even, so I knew it wasn't a walker, but my hand still tightened its grip on the gun in my hand. The zipper was unzipped and Lori's head peeked in to see my arm tightly wrapped around Sophia, and Carl pressed into me worriedly. Seeing her face sent a wave of relief through my body and my grip on the gun loosened.
"C'mon, it's time," Lori said softly.
I gently nudged Sophia, feeling guilty while I did it. I knew she was exhausted, but I also knew that she'd want to be there for her dad. No matter how much of an ass he was, no matter how many bad times there were, she'd always remember when he wasn't an ass when they did have the good times, even if there were only a few. I knew she'd be mourning the father he was supposed to be, the father she wanted him to be, the father that he probably only showed her a handful of times to keep Carol around, to keep them both around.
As we walked through the camp we saw that all of the bodies were now either loaded into Daryl's truck or burning in a pile of other bodies.
Daryl walked towards the truck before stopping and looking towards me. He nudged his head towards the truck and I nodded my head before turning to Sophia and giving her a gentle squeeze on her arm. Carol had joined before I left, gently pulling her daughter into her side while I walked towards the truck.
I swung open the door, ignoring how hot the door handle was, and sat down in the passenger side seat beside Daryl. As we drove up the small hill I could feel his eyes on me as I tried desperately to forget last night's events.
"Ya a'right?" He asked, breaking the silence.
"Gotta be," I mumbled, reciting the words I've told myself about a million times.
Daryl let out a sigh, but the conversation wouldn't have lasted anyway because we were at the newly appointed "cemetery". Shane and Rick were there, digging up the last of the last hole. Daryl stopped the truck—that I'd just realized had been driving in reverse the whole time—and hopped out. I followed and rounded the truck, ready to help lower in the bodies.
"You sure you're okay to help?" Shane asked skeptically, but all I did was send him a glare and nod.
I didn't tell Daryl about my ribs, and neither did the group. I'd kind of like to keep it that way. He just barely calmed down about what happened.
"I still think it's a mistake not burning these bodies," Daryl said loudly as we approached the two men. "It's what we said we'd do, right?"
I silently rolled my eyes as I watched my big brother. Ever since he found out about Merle he's been more outspoken, but not in the right way. It seems like all he wants to do is argue.
"Burn em' all, wasn't that the i-"
"Don't ya wanna bury me when I bite the dust?" I asked abruptly, stopping him in his tracks. I didn't mean for it to come out that way, I meant for it to be hypothetical, but my big mouth had a different idea.
I could feel Shane and Rick's eyes on me, and I could practically smell the shock. Daryl looked at me almost in disbelief. It was true though, seeing how things are, I don't see myself living too long. I care too much. Merle always said it'd be my undoing if I didn't grow a pair, but at this rate, I don't see it happening.
"That ain't happenin'," Daryl argued with a small glare. It probably seemed like I was giving up, but I wasn't, just pointing out the inevitable. "These people need to know who the hell's in charge here, what the rules are." He said, turning his attention back to Rick and Shane.
"There are no rules." Rick pointed out, seemingly annoyed with my brother for not wanting to do the humane thing.
"That's a problem." Lori butted in from behind me as the rest of the group followed behind her. "We haven't had one minute to hold onto anything of our old selves. We need time to mourn and we need to bury our dead. It's what people do."
With that, I walked over to the truck and hopped into the bed to grip onto a body. I looked up to see no one moving and glared.
"Y'all gonna leave the teenager to do it by herself, or ya gonna move your asses?" I called out in annoyance.
Their heads snapped over to me as realization seemed to kick in. We all began lowering the bodies into the graves, saying goodbye to each of our old group members. I wasn't really close with any of them, the closest person being buried was Amy, and I probably had a total of three conversations with her. She did help me after I got my ass kicked though, and she didn't have to. She was one of the good ones in my book.
Amy was the last to be buried. We all watched as Dale tried to help Andrea, but she wouldn't have it.
"I can do it, I can do it." She said as she was clearly struggling, but I understood. Amy was her sister, and I could only imagine the pain of knowing that your sibling was dead. Merle was lost, not dead, I knew that, and it gave me hope.
We all watched with sympathy as Andrea lowered her sister into the shallow grave and said her last goodbye. Lori teared up but quickly wiped away any trace of the tears being there, not realizing that I'd seen.
After Amy was completely buried we all made our way towards camp. It was a silent and sad walk, but no one dared to break that silence.
Carol headed towards the RV where Jim was. Daryl told me how he'd been bit, how he thought it was stupid that they didn't just put a bullet in his brain. I just wanted to know what Jim wanted.
I walked over to the fire pit, sitting down on one of the chairs that we'd pulled out from cars. It was actually pretty comfortable, but I couldn't really focus on anything with memories of last night flashing through my mind, and the quiet ache in my sides. I subtly rubbed them, begging for them to shut up and get a grip.
Andrea fell asleep on one of the lawn chairs, Lori was sharpening a stick for whatever reason, and everyone else was just helplessly sitting around.
Daryl was standing by me, doing whatever he was doing. I wasn't really paying attention much because I was too focused on watching the ground as ants crawled around in search of food while holding onto my side as if it'd help.
Footsteps caught all of our attention and we all looked up. I'm sure some were expecting another round of walkers but based on the pace of the steps I knew that it was people.
Rick and Shane came trudging around the corner with a purpose.
"I've uh. . .I've been thinkin' about Rick's plan." Shane said as he stood in front of all of us with his foot on top of a log. "Now look there are no uh. . . no guarantees, either way, I'll be the first one to admit that. I've known this man a long time," he looked up to Rick, and I could see the conflict behind his eyes. Yes, he knew Rick for a long time, but he still wasn't sure about whatever his plan was. "I trust his instincts. I say the most important thing here is we need to stay together." There was a short pause as everyone took in his words. "So, those of you that agree, we leave first thing in the morning. Okay?"
No one objected, but I'm sure the fact that no one wanted to be in the area that walkers nearly took overplayed a part in that.
Everyone got up, ready to start packing for the next day. My fear was going through Merle's tent, or Daryl having to. He's not dead, but he's gone, and it's almost just as bad. Not knowing is what's killing me the most. I don't know how he's feeling, what he's doing, more importantly how he's doing. I just want him to be safe and with us, I want my brothers back. And yet, at the same time, not knowing is what's giving me hope. Hope that my brother is still out there, being the ass that he is.
"C'mon," Daryl spoke from behind me, nudging my shoulder.
I hadn't noticed that I was still sitting down, or that I'd been staring at the dirt. Exhausted, I stood up and made a beeline for our tent. Daryl though went to Merle's. He came into the tent once to pack up his things, but he moved them into Merle's tent, and I couldn't help but wonder if he was mad at me for what I said.
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"Alright everybody listen up!" Shane called as everyone stood close to their cars. "Those of you with C.B.'s we're gonna be on channel 40. Let's keep the chatter down, okay? Now you got a problem, don't have a C.B., can't get a signal, anything at all you're gonna hit your horn one time, that'll stop the caravan. Any questions?"
Good to know that Shane has a plan for this, like always. Rick stood beside him, both shoulder to shoulder, and it looked like they'd been partners all their lives.
I stood beside Daryl who was simply listening. I still had no confirmation that we were staying with these people for good, but considering we haven't left yet to find Merle, I'd say we were gonna stay for at least a little while.
Morales stepped forwards slightly, "We're uh . . . we're not going."
Everyone watched in curiosity as to why the family decided to stray away from the sense of security that being in a group had.
"We have family in Birmingham." Mrs. Morales said. "We wanna be with our people."
"You go on your own, you won't have anyone to watch your back." Thanks captain obvious, I'm sure they knew that, and if they're alone I'd sure hope that no one would be watching their backs.
"We'll take the chance," Morales said. "I gotta do what's best for my family."
I couldn't agree more, Morales. If only I'd realized that a few days earlier.
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I stared out the window of Merle's old truck, similar to how I'd been before we joined the group. It seemed so long ago, but it was only a few weeks ago, maybe a month.
"You were goin on runs b'fore?" I was wondering when this would come up. Daryl had been quiet about it the whole time at camp.
"I couldn't just sit on my ass, Daryl." I sighed as I continued to stare out at the passing trees.
"Ya coulda told one of us." Daryl was annoyed, but I didn't have the strength to look back at him.
"Right, because either of you would've let me continue to go." I snorted sarcastically. I pushed my arm up so that my hand was supporting my chin.
"That Chinese kid woulda died had somethin' happened to you," Daryl growled, and I could already feel the anger radiating off of him, but it was starting to radiate off of me too.
"He's Korean!" I argued, finally snapping my head in his direction.
"So what! He yer boyfriend now or somethin'?" Daryl countered angrily, clearly trying to get under my skin, and it was working. I just didn't have the heart to tell him that I hadn't seriously liked a boy since 9th grade, or that my crushes since 10th grade had all been girls, or that I wasn't even sure of my own sexuality. Merle had been one of the most racist, and homophobic men I'd ever known, he was right up there next to our dad. While Daryl didn't ever really reveal how he felt on either topic, he did use racial and homophobic slurs on the occasion that one of them pissed him off, but that was only ever in front of Merle or our Dad. Talking to my family about my questionable sexuality was not an option, especially before the apocalypse.
"No! He's my friend, and friends stick up for each other if you haven't noticed!" I yelled, trying my best not to blow up entirely.
"Yeah?" Daryl growled as he glanced at me with a glare before turning back towards the road. "So does blood! I ain't ever seen you stand up for us in front of them!"
His words felt like a knife plunging through my chest. They were mostly true, but I had stuck up for them in front of the group, not as many times as I should've, not by a long shot, but I did.
The car was silent for a moment before I spoke up once more, "You act like Merle ever stuck up for either of us in front of his friends. Do I gotta remind you of all the times you came home with bruises because his friends got a little too rowdy, but Merle didn't feel the need to stick up for his own blood? At least when things got rowdy I tried to stop it, at least I didn't want anyone to get hurt!"
I was trying my best to hold back my tears. Arguing with Daryl had never been something I enjoyed doing, ever.
"That ain't true!" Daryl angrily spat as his angry eyes met mine.
"Name one time Merle did right by you!" I countered while crossing my arms over my chest angrily.
"How 'bout that time his tweaker friend touched you, and Merle beat his ass to a bloody pulp!" Daryl yelled, his knuckles tight as they gripped onto the steering wheel. My brother was now red in the face but still had yet to tell me a time Merle did right by him. "How 'bout when Johnny White-"
"Don't." I cut in, the mere memory of that prick sending a wave of anger down to the tips of my fingers. "I said name a time Merle did right by you."
Daryl scoffed, keeping his eyes trained on the road ahead of him. My leg was bouncing up and down angrily, wanting to tuck and roll out of the car.
"Merle might not've done much for me," He spoke calmly, breaking the silence. "But he woulda moved mountains for you."
His words shook me to the core, mainly because I knew them to be true. Merle had always done right by me, except for when I pissed him off.
I didn't have many healthy relationships with men, and that was part of the reason I was confused about my sexuality. I didn't know if I was attracted to girls simply because of my bad encounters with men, or if I was actually attracted to girls. The fact that I'd also been attracted to men just made the whole thing worse. Plus it's not like I had the freedom to just test it out. I was terrified of my family finding out. Terrified of my brother's finding out.
I sank back into my seat, bringing my thumb up to my mouth to chew on. Thoughts of our lives before, memories of the past. Memories of Merle, memories of school, memories of the small friend group I had.
In school, I'd been planning on going to college to become a doctor, so that I could get away. So that I could eventually move out on my own. So that I could be the Dixon that made it, but the world had other plans. All my hard work went to waste, in the end, it didn't matter that I was a straight-A student, it didn't matter that despite broken bones or a busted lip, I never missed a day of school, it didn't matter that I set aside my life for school in hopes of starting life after.
Memories of Merle never being there flashed through my mind, and memories of Daryl being there for my sports events flashed right beside them. Being involved in sports was just another way of me trying to get some sort of scholarship. I had to work to get the money I needed for school things like sports uniforms and field trips. Nothing was ever handed to me because I never had a parent. All I had were two brothers who refused to do anything but throw their lives away.
Merle, despite my many invitations, never went to any of my reward ceremonies or school events. Daryl only went to my games because he could hide in the crowd. I knew they thought they were saving me from some sort of embarrassment, but in reality not having a family to hug you when you win, or to pick you up when you lost was worse.
Yeah, Merle would've moved mountains for me, but he'd leave me to clean up the rubble all on my own. I didn't want him to move mountains, or skyscrapers, hell I didn't even want him to move a pebble. I just wanted him there.
Despite all the reasons I had to hate Merle Dixon, I couldn't. Despite all his flaws, despite all his mistakes, he was still my brother, and Daryl's words were slowly killing me.
I just hoped the words would get to me before the walkers did.
"Ellie I-"
"It's fine," I said as I compelled the tears to stay in their place. "You're right, and I'm sorry. I should've done more."
I didn't look at Daryl. My eyes were focused on the road beside me as it passed by in a blur. The feeling of my heart in my throat was excruciating. My heart wanted so badly to cry, so badly to break, but I wouldn't allow it. The deeper the breaths I took, the more my ribs began to hurt, so I just breathed as shallowly as I could.
The rest of the ride was eerily quiet, neither of us wanting to say anything to the other. I was curled up into the seat with my knees to my chest as I leaned against the door but not letting my ribs touch anything.
Just when I was about to fall asleep, I felt the truck slow to a stop. From here I could see thick white smoke coming from the front of the RV and instantly knew what had stopped the caravan.
That RV's hose—as Dale had mentioned—was more duct tape than the hose. The number of times Glenn and I have gone to pick up duct tape for Dale was alarming. It was a wonder how it had made it this long.
"Stay 'ere," Daryl grumbled before stepping out of the truck. The door had made a loud groaning noise as he stepped out, a clear sign of how old and rusted she was.
"Screw that." I retorted before ignoring his command, as always. Even in my tired state, I still refused to listen to my brother. What he said hurt me, although true, it hurt to know that Daryl did think that Merle being left behind was my fault.
I hopped out of the truck, slamming the door shut in the process out of anger. I saw Dale climb out of the RV along with Rick getting out of his car.
The white smoke coming from the front of the RV was alarming but I stood back and took watch while they tried to figure out how to fix it. Daryl did the same, his crossbow held high as he watched the surrounding area. My hand was gripping onto my knife, daring anything to come so I could take out my anger on it.
"I told you we'd never get far on that hose." Dale pointed out to Rick. "I said I needed the one from the cube van."
Yeah, well it was stolen.
"Can you jury-rig it?" Rick asked with his hands on his hips.
I've seen the amount of tape that Dale has on that hose. I'm surprised it hasn't all melted off.
"That's all it's been so far." Dale shrugged. "It's more duct tape than hose, and I'm outta duct tape."
As I said, I'm surprised it hasn't become a heaping blob of gray at the bottom of the road somewhere.
"I see somethin' up ahead, a gas station if we're lucky," Shane said as he moved the binoculars from his eyes to look at Rick.
I was about to volunteer to go but before anyone could get a word out, Jacqui came running out from the RV.
"Y'all, Jim—it's bad. I don't think he can take anymore." The woman rushed out. My eyebrows furrowed slightly at the news. Honestly, I was surprised he made it this far, and this long. I've heard of people dying from bites in a shorter amount of time than Jim, so I wasn't all that shocked I guess.
With that, Jacqui walked back towards the RV to continue to look after our dying group member.
"Hey, Rick, you wanna hold down the fort?" Shane called out, "I'll drive ahead, see what I can bring back."
"Yeah, I'll come along too and I'll back you up," T-dog said from beside him.
"I'll-" before I could finish, Daryl interrupted.
"No, you ain't." He snapped, giving me that Dixon glare that says, "you best not test me."
For once, I simply rolled my eyes and kept quiet. T-dog was going, and I'm sure that played a part in Daryl not wanting me to go. The last time the Dixon's went on a run with him, he left one of 'em behind.
"Y'all keep your eyes open now, we'll be right back," Shane called before heading for his Jeep with T-dog right behind him.
I watched as Rick took off his hat and made his way into the RV. Hopefully to ask Jim what he wanted instead of asking everyone else.
I sat down in the grass Indian style, away from the group, watching the wind blow through the trees, listening for any sign of the dead. I didn't pay any mind to Daryl when he sat beside me on the grass, I just continued to watch everything else around me.
"I didn't mean t-"
"Yes you did," I nodded as I stared out at the trees. "And it's okay. You're right, I should've been there for him."
"I didn't mean to hurt ya." He mumbled, shame in his voice.
"You may not have meant to, but you wanted to, otherwise you wouldn't have said it. It's okay though, I forgive you, even though I'm the one who should be apologizing."
Third-person POV
Ellie never once took her eyes off of the swaying trees, but Daryl watched his little sister almost in shock. He really didn't mean to hurt her, he just never knows when to stop when he's angry.
Today, was when the middle child of the Dixon family finally saw how much damage had been done to the youngest Dixon. Even though he'd been completely in the wrong, she still felt the need to apologize, because she still felt as though she was the reason for his angry outburst.
He could still recall back to his younger days, trying his best to keep Ellie away from harm's way, but in the end, he hadn't been successful, because Ellie had been trying to do the same for him.
The first time he'd seen Ellie get beat by their father was because she was taking the anger away from Daryl, and putting it on herself just so he would have one less scar. Ellie had always been the selfless one, and that's why Daryl had gotten so upset when he found out she'd been going on trips to Atlanta with Glenn. If anything were to happen, she'd sacrifice herself to get Glenn out, even if that meant never coming back.
Now that Ellie and Daryl were the last two Dixon's that'd been able to stick together, Daryl knew that it was his job to fix what had been damaged. Ellie was the smartest girl he knew when it came to books and school, but in life, she still had learning to do, and she still needed guidance.
"Nah, ya shouldn't." Daryl shook his head slightly.
Ellie's blue eyes finally met his own, but when they did Daryl couldn't help the pang in his heart. He could see the pain in her eyes, the pain caused by him, and years of mistreatment.
She deserved better than that, he thought.
He reached out and pulled her into him, much like he would when she was younger. She always hated how their father treated them, especially Daryl, but she could never find it in herself to hate him. That's what she hated about herself.
"Ya ain't gotta apologize for shit, ever." He confirmed as he held his baby sister. She herself was trying not to cry, to not seem weak. "And I didn't mean it, I'm jus' an asshole."
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A/N: Okay but random lil cute throwbacks of Ellie and Daryl sibling moments...would that be something y'all would want? Lemme know :)