Cas drove as slowly as possible, not altogether sure which switches did what. He mostly focused on the accelerator and the brake, and gripped the wheel tightly. He couldn't remember how to change gears, or how to switch on the radio, so all he had to listen to was Hoagie's nervous whining in the passenger seat, and his phone telling him the directions.
'It's all right, boy,' Cas murmured to him, as he rolled to a stop at an intersection. He couldn't move for a while, willing himself to drive past the outer boundary of the village. If the village had scared him, it was nothing compared to the whole wider world, but he had to go.
'Just go,' he muttered to himself. 'You can't stay here, just go.' He took some deep breaths and thought of Dean, then put his foot on the accelerator.
His heart was racing the whole, painstaking journey but, eventually, he reached his destination: a grungy motel a little way out from the village.
He parked the car in a space just outside the entrance, and let out the breath he had been holding, now that the car was no longer in motion. He sat still, head resting against the wheel, until Hoagie pawed at him.
'All right, let's go,' Cas said to him, undoing his seatbelt and attaching his leash.
He grabbed his bag out of the trunk, and fumbled with his wallet before going inside.
'Can I check in, please?' Cas said to the thoroughly bored boy behind the desk.
The boy looked down at Hoagie. 'No dogs allowed,' he said.
Cas clutched the leash tightly. 'He's a service dog.' He felt bad for lying, but he couldn't be without Hoagie.
The boy looked for a moment as though he might argue, but then just rolled his eyes. 'Whatever.' The boy handed Cas his key and leaned back in his chair without another word.
The room was cramped, with one single bed, a small table with a couple of chairs, and a bathroom with a shower.
Cas threw his bag down and lay down on the bed. Hoagie jumped up next to him and they both curled up under the covers.
'You're right, we should get some rest,' Cas murmured to Hoagie. 'And we can figure out what to do tomorrow.'
But instead of sleeping, Cas hugged Hoagie and cried into his fur.
His thoughts swirled and his head pounded, but he couldn't stop crying. Hoagie gently licked his face, but settled down with his head in the crook of Cas's neck, and eventually his steady breathing helped Cas calm down, though he still couldn't sleep.
The next morning, Cas sat at the tiny table with a notepad after feeding Hoagie, trying to come up with a plan. His head was still sore, but he pushed past it, spreading some maps on the floor, and listing the supplies he would need.
'Water - lots of water,' Cas muttered, pretending that Hoagie was listening. 'And food, probably. Stuff that doesn't spoil, so no dairy or meat...' His car keys lying on the table caught his eye. 'Stop at a bookstore and get something on driving.'
He was part-way through planning his idea when there was a knock at the door. He climbed to his feet and went to open it, assuming it was someone from the motel coming to ask if he would be staying another night. When he opened it, however, he found Dean standing there, sweaty and pale.
'You really shouldn't be driving,' Dean mumbled.
Cas's mouth tightened. 'Should you be?'
Dean flinched and avoided Cas's eyes. 'Sam breathalyzed me before I left, I'm good.'
'How did you know I was here?'
Dean glanced up at him. 'You used our joint bank account to book the room.'
'Oh.'
Dean saw the maps on the floor and frowned. 'Are you going somewhere?'
Cas shrugged. 'I don't know. Nevada maybe.'
'Nevada? Cas, you can't go to Nevada.'
'I can't stay here.'
'Yes you can,' Dean said, finally making eye contact. 'Just - just come back, okay? I'll go.'
Cas folded his arms.
'I'll - I'll stay with Sam, or something. Please, come back, Cas, it's your home.' Dean's voice was low and hoarse.
Cas bit his tongue, stopping himself from making a mean comment about the kitchen door.
'You love that house,' Dean pressed. 'Please, you worked so hard for it.'
'I don't remember doing that.'
Dean shifted on his toes, uncertain. 'Can - can I come in?'
Cas sighed and moved aside for Dean, who sat at the table nervously. Cas joined him, warily watching him pat Hoagie.
'I'm impressed, you know,' Dean said, chancing a smile that Cas did not return. 'Driving all the way out here by yourself.'
'Don't patronise me, Dean,' Cas scowled.
'I just meant - you know - because you didn't want to go out in the village...'
'It's stressful walking around people who look at me like they're expecting something, because they know me. No one knows me here.'
'That makes sense.'
There was a tense silence until Dean sucked in a breath. 'Look, I messed up. I really did. I can't take it back, but I don't want you to leave. I get it if you need space, so I'll go. I know you don't remember much, so you'll just have to take my word for it that you love the house, and I can't let you give it up.'
Cas sat down opposite Dean.
'I'll stay with Sam,' Dean said again.
Cas looked down at his notes and plans, and sighed. 'I can't get on the interstate anyway,' he admitted. 'I can't remember how to drive properly.'
'So you'll come back?'
Cas nodded, and Dean exhaled in relief.
'Okay. Okay, great,' Dean said, wiping his eyes.
Cas closed his notebook. 'You said I wasn't Cas,' he said quietly.
'I'm so sorry, I didn't know what I was saying-'
'You were right,' Cas interrupted. 'I'm not the Cas you knew, and maybe you need to stop clinging to the idea of who I'm supposed to be. Maybe we both do.'
'That's fair,' Dean nodded.
'I certainly don't want to go back to the person that hallucinates their dead brother's voice.'
'I was being selfish,' Dean said, 'and I'm sorry.'
'I don't know what to think about any of this. My head hurts.'
'Let me take you home,' said Dean. 'You can take all the time you need to figure it out.'
Cas nodded and reached for his keys, but Dean grabbed them.
'I'm driving. Sam'll pick your car up later.'
Cas didn't bother arguing, and let Dean pack up his things for him. He was suddenly very tired, so allowed himself to fall asleep in Dean's car with Hoagie in his lap, until Dean pulled up at the top of the long driveway.
Cas opened his eyes and looked at Dean. His hands were shaking on the wheel, and he'd turned a pale shade of green. 'Are you going to throw up?' Cas asked.
'No, I'm fine,' Dean hastily. 'I'm gonna have Sam grab my stuff later, okay?'
Cas nodded and made to get out.
'Cas, wait.' Dean looked at him uncertainly. 'If - if anything happens - if you need anything-'
'The emergency numbers are on the fridge, I know.'
'Jody's going to help you with food, she knows what you're like with cooking-'
'All right.'
'And make sure you call Penny, she'll want-'
'Dean,' Cas said firmly, and Dean squeezed his eyes shut.
'Yeah. Okay.' His voice cracked.
Cas opened the car door, and Hoagie jumped out. He looked back at Dean, who was staring resolutely ahead. 'Goodbye, Dean,' he murmured, before climbing out of the car and closing the door behind him.
Dean sped away in the Impala, leaving Cas and Hoagie standing in the road.
Cas sighed and picked up Hoagie's leash, walking the both of them down the long driveway, past Jody's house, and into the gravelly yard.
He stopped in front of the side door, a hand on the peeling red paint.
'You're being ridiculous,' Cas said to himself, before pushing the door open.
Hoagie followed behind him, but his ears and tail drooped as they went into the kitchen.
It was immediately obvious what had occured. All the glass shards had been swept off the floor, but the door had been boarded up.
Cas stepped into the kitchen silently and knelt down on the floor. Whoever had cleaned up missed a piece. Cas carefully picked it up, and recognised the feathered pattern on it. He sat with his legs crossed, cradling the remaining piece of his coffee mug in his hand. He couldn't cry any more, his head hurt too much, but he slumped and leant against the cabinet.
He didn't know how long he sat there for, but he jumped at a hand on his shoulder. 'Jody,' he said. 'I didn't hear you come in.'
'I just came to drop off some food. I know how much you like my lasagna,' Jody said warmly. 'Come on, honey, come sit at the table.'
Cas let Jody sit him down.
'I'll make you some coffee.'
'My mug...'
'That's okay, you've got plenty in the cabinet.'
Cas rested his head on the table while Jody made the coffee.
'You tired, sweetie?' Jody asked, coming back with their drinks.
'I haven't really slept.'
'Of course not.'
Cas gratefully drank some of the coffee, though the mug was unfamiliar in his hands.
Jody was watching him expectantly, but waited for him to speak first.
'You've seen Dean like that before?'
'Yeah.'
'Did he always break things?'
'Not always.' Jody was looking at him, her face tense and anxious. 'He's gonna be fine, though. He's going back to meetings, and he's gonna get a therapist and everything.'
Cas nodded. 'That's good.'
'But - but you don't want to be around him while he does it?'
Cas didn't say anything.
'Cas, listen, I know he scared you, but-'
'Is that what you think this is about?' Cas asked.
'Well...'
'I'm not scared of Dean. I could never be scared of him.'
'Then, I'm sorry, but I don't get what the issue is.'
Cas sighed deeply. 'I can't make him do this anymore. I can't force him to be around me when I don't feel the way he needs me to feel.'
Jody leaned back in her seat, suddenly understanding.
'Look what happened, Jody. I ruined twelve years of sobriety for him. It was my fault.'
'Honey, look at me.' Jody took his hands. 'It's not your fault. It doesn't matter what happened, or who said what. It was Dean's decision to take that drink, and Dean's alone. He knows that, and he wouldn't want you to blame yourself.'
'He hurts when he looks at me, Jody, anyone can see that,' Cas said. 'I don't want to do that to him anymore, especially if it compromises something he worked so hard for.'
'Huh,' Jody said, a smile tugging at her mouth.
'What?'
'Nothing, honey. I get it.'
Cas finished his coffee.
'I can stay, if you want,' Jody offered. 'I don't mind.'
'No, it's all right. I - I can do it.'
'I'm sure you can. Call me if you need anything.' Jody got to her feet, and glanced back at him sadly before leaving the house.
Cas pushed himself up too and went to the kitchen to look at his whiteboards. It was more important to keep track of them, now that Dean wasn't there to help him.
'I can do it,' Cas repeated to himself, writing his daily and weekly to-do list on the boards, then he went through all the drawers and cabinets to remind himself of where everything was.
He stopped when he came to the drawer with Dean's chips inside. He slowly pulled the drawer open and his heart ached. The box that contained the chips was empty.
He closed the drawer, forcing himself to keep it together, and decided to take Hoagie for a walk.
He got to the top of the driveway again, but couldn't step past it into the village.
'This is stupid,' he muttered angrily. 'You can do this. You drove a car yesterday.'
But then someone he didn't recognise walked across the other side of the road and waved to him.
Cas waved politely back, but turned around with Hoagie and walked back towards the house.
Once back in his own yard, he kicked at some gravel in frustration.
'I am an adult,' he said to himself furiously. 'I am Castiel Winchester, a grown up, fully capable man. I am not a scared child, damn it.'
He went inside the kitchen and tried to distract himself, digging one of Jody's lasagnas out of the fridge. She'd stuck a note on it with the cooking instructions.
Cas glanced uneasily at the oven, then shook his head. 'I can do it.' He went over to the oven and stared at it until he remembered which dial did what and smiled to himself as he successfully set it to the right temperature. 'All right, next problem,' he muttered. 'The oven needs to heat up, right?' he said to Hoagie. 'How long do you think that'll take?'
Hoagie just tilted his head.
'I should know this... Ten minutes? Yeah, ten minutes.'
He looked at the clock and wrote down the time he'd switched on the oven, so he wouldn't forget, and waited in the kitchen with Hoagie.
'Ten minutes up, so now we put the lasagna in.' He walked himself through it, step by step, and wrote down the time again.
Just then, Hoagie whined and barked at him.
'What?'
Hoagie sniffed and pawed his leg, then growled, and Cas realised what he was doing.
'Really? Now?' Cas groaned.
Hoagie barked again.
'Okay, I'm going.' Cas stepped towards the bedroom, but he was too slow. He tasted metal on his tongue, and his head vibrated.
He didn't know how long he was out for, but he was jolted out of his fuzzy state by someone yelling his name.
'Wha-?' He smelled burning and pushed himself up to see Sam wafting smoke out the window.
Sam opened the oven door and more smoke billowed out, sending them both into a spluttering coughing fit.
'Are you all right?' Sam choked, waving a hand in front of his face.
'My head...' He reached up and felt a small bump on his forehead.
'Are you all right?' Sam repeated.
'I think so.'
Sam got them both a glass of water and sat on the floor with Cas, folding up his long legs.
'Thank you,' Cas mumbled. 'You're here for Dean's things?'
'Yeah,' Sam grimaced.
'How is he?'
'At a meeting, I think.'
'That's good,' Cas nodded. 'Are you upset with me, Sam?'
'No, of course not!'
'I wouldn't blame you if you were. Dean's your brother.'
'You're my brother too, Cas,' Sam said kindly.
Cas drew his legs up to his chest.
'He can come back, you know,' said Sam. 'This doesn't have to be forever.'
'I don't know, Sam...'
'I get it. You want him to get better, and he shouldn't rely on you for his recovery, so how about we leave it open?'
'What do you mean?'
'How about, when Dean feels like he's stable by himself, we can see about him coming back?' Sam suggested. 'That way you both get some space, and you both get something to work for. What do you think?'
Cas nodded. 'I think that could work.'
Sam smiled. 'That's great, Cas. I'll get his stuff and tell him when I get back.' Sam got to his feet.
'Sam? Will you tell Dean I'm sorry?'
'You've got nothing to be sorry for,' Sam insisted, helped Cas up. 'I'm buying you dinner tonight. Try and be more careful with that oven.'
Cas sat at the table while Sam rifled around in their bedroom, packing things into bags.
'You sure you're gonna be all right?' Sam said, coming into the dining room, bags in hand.
Cas nodded.
'All right, let me get these back and I'll send you over a pizza, okay?'
'Thank you, Sam.'
'And listen, you can call me if you need anything. Even if you just want to talk, I'm here.'
'I appreciate that.'
Sam smiled again. 'I gotta go, but keep in touch, okay? Keep yourself busy, and don't forget you've got family around you.' Sam hoisted the bags onto his shoulder and left the house with a wave.
Cas sighed and finished his water before going back into the kitchen and throwing out his burned lasagna. He left the oven door open, as well as all the kitchen windows to try and air it out the burnt smell.
The bump on his forehead stung, so he wrapped some frozen peas in a towel and pressed it to his head.
'I can do this,' Cas said, a little less convinced than he had been before. 'I'm a grown man, I can take care of myself.'
He ate the pizza that Sam sent gratefully, and put the leftovers in the fridge.
Slowly, he changed into his pajamas, but avoided actually going to bed for as long as possible. He didn't know if he would be able to sleep at all without Dean. The book they were reading still sat on the bedside table, but he couldn't bring himself to try and read it alone.
He walked around the house, making sure all the appliances and lights were switched off, except the light outside the front door, which he left on.
Hoagie was already in bed by the time Cas ran out of excuses to stay awake. He was used to being allowed in the bed now, and the sight of him stretched out, completely relaxed and asleep, made Cas smile, so he got into bed and pulled Hoagie closer.
Hoagie huffed in his ear, but got himself comfortable again.
'It's going to be okay,' Cas whispered.