CHAPTER 02:
CHERRY BOMB
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Taina wouldn't call herself a party person, but she sure did like an exciting outing. She only wishes it weren't with her buzzkill of an uncle. He's been nagging her for the last thirty minutes, claiming he was going to leave without her but how could he? That grumpy fool needs her to lure out this mysterious Jesse Rabbit. But if Taina were being completely honest, she isn't sure she'd be much help in that. From what she recalls, her attitude repeals people of the other sex, and it's even worse when she opens her mouth. Oh well, their loss. She's a catch.
Mr. Maroon said Jesse sings at an underground club, so why not dress up. Taina wishes she owned more dresses, but she hates how they aren't long enough due to how tall she is. (She curses both her parents for giving her their genetics of being unnecessarily and awkwardly tall.) Taina opted for her multi-colored vest with a velvet like long sleeve turtleneck underneath (since the temperature dropped to the sixties for, like, no reason), black dress pants and her favorite black (expensive) two-inch heels. She tied her curly hair up in a half up half down style, and for her makeup she kept it natural looking with her favorite stud and small hoop earrings set.
After one last loving look at herself in the mirror, she ripped open her bedroom door to find her uncle practically steaming from the ears. "Don't be such a drama queen, uncle," laughed Taina, brushing past him, and grabbing her sparkly gold clutch purse with a chain strap from the kitchen counter. She looks through it to make sure she has everything. "It takes time to look this good." She giggles again as she secures the bag on her shoulder and makes her way to the door.
The car ride to the Ink and Paint Club was bearable. Well, it was more bearable when Taina turned the radio on, and she sang obnoxiously along to whomever it was. Eddie did not look the slightest bit amused.
Her uncle had somehow gotten the address between the hours of meeting Maroon and now, so, instead of stopping in front of some flashy new club with neon signs, they parked down the street away from a sketchy location they were supposed to go undercover in. Taina followed her uncle off the main sidewalk and into an alleyway. Eddie stops in front of a nondescript building in a run-down factory area and knocked on the door.
A speakeasy style peephole slides open as a voice asked, "Got the password?"
"Walt sent me," said Eddie.
The peephole slides closed and after a beat, the door swings open. Taina tries to conceal her unease. She's never done anything like this before.
Behind the door is a toon gorilla, dressed in a tuxedo, and gives both a once over. Taina follows closely behind her uncle, looking completely guilty about nothing. She gingerly looks through the dim lit gray and brown room. So not sketchy. Is her uncle sure this is the right place?
Noticing, Eddie makes a lame joke to get her to ease up. "Like your monkey suit," he said to the gorilla bouncer. Taina tries to hide a giggle behind her hand as she looked away.
"Wise ass," shoots back the bouncer.
Taina then hears laughter louder than her own followed by zany music she somehow missed. Walking towards it, Taina supposes this is where they're supposed to go. Opening the door at the end of the hall, what she saw on the other side was a remarkable sight—it was certainly not something she expected. It's a white tablecloth nightclub on a par with the El Morocco or the Garden of Allah. Behind the bar was a caterpillar bartender using his many arms to shake and pour several drinks at once. Meanwhile a dozen penguin waiters are gliding back and forth along the tables serving drinks to the well-heeled crowd.
Her gaze falls onto the T-shaped stage and Taina nearly falls over at the sight of toon stars Donald Duck and Daffy Duck, seated upstage opposite to each other at one black and one white grand piano (that were also the opposite colors of their feathers). She quickly recognized the composer of the piece they were playing, Hungarian Rhapsody by Tchaikovsky. And from the looks of it, she could tell it had quickly escalated into a loony game of one-upmanship between these two irascible ducks complete with knuckle-cracking, seat-spinning, keyboard stomping, lid-banging, piano wire plucking zaniness preparations.
Taina watches as the audience around her howl at the kooky performance. People wiping the tears from their eyes from laughing so hard. She smiles but then it slightly falls when seeing the sour expression Eddie has. What a party pooper! She should have known he'd be a sour puss, always sucking the fun out of everything.
Taina and Eddie take their seats at a table next to a silly middle-aged woman in a loud dress sat in the table next to them. Like an excited child in a candy store, Taina watches the ducks with much enthusiasm. Eddie on the other hand, grimaces as he takes his seat, but as he does, a loud fart erupts from under him.
"Excuse you, uncle!" said Taina, annoyed.
"It wasn't me!" grumbled Eddie.
The woman slaps her thigh with the hilarity of it all. "Will you listen to that?" she said. "It's a pip! I'm thinking of callin' it a Whoopee Cushion."
"Whoopie Cushion," said Taina, trying the word out. "I like it." She grins.
"Of course, you do," mumbled Eddie. He reaches under himself and comes up holding a deflated rubber bladder. The woman takes it from him.
"No hard feelings, I hope," she said. "Put 'er there..." The woman grabs Eddie's hand before he can decline. Taina's eyebrows raise when a buzzing sounds and her uncle retracts as if shocked. The woman howls with laughter and turns her palm to Eddie. "Hand buzzer... real gasser."
Taina quickly comes to realization and is about to show her admiration for the woman's work before a penguin in a bowtie glided by, asking for her order. Eddie asks for a scotch on the rocks, "And I mean ice!" he added through gritted teeth. Taina settles for a strawberry kiwi margarita. (She always favored sweet drinks.) The woman asks for her bill from the penguin, and the penguin places it on her table before gliding off.
Taina curiously watches as the woman takes a fountain pen from her purse, waiting for what she might prank Eddie next with much anticipation but makes a face when she just goes to plainly write on the bill. But wait, there's seems to be no ink coming out. She shakes and shakes the pen to get it flowing. It flows all right, right on Eddie's white dress shirt. Eddie looks down at the stain, and then slowly looks to woman as she, and Taina, begin to laugh.
Eddie jumps from his seat and takes the woman by her forearms. "That's it for you, lady!"
"You buffoon, get off her!" said Taina, shielding the woman from her uncle, but Eddie nudges her back in agitation. Taina would rather her uncle not cause a scene over something minor. People were taking notice but, luckily, they could barely register what was happening as the famed ducks on stage performed and had their undivided attention after mere seconds.
"Calm down, calm down," said the woman, reassuringly. "Look, the ink is gone." All three look to the stained shirt. "See? It's disappearing ink." She gives a warm smile. "I'm—"
"Miriam Acme!" said Taina, nearly jumping for joy. "It's so nice to meet you!"
"Nice to meet you too, young lady," laughed Mrs. Acme. Acme and Taina take their seats, both happily watching Donald and Daffy go at it on stage while Eddie grumbles to himself.
Taina can see the rivalry between the ducks has been an ongoing thing with how their piano competition has now reached a crescendo of mayhem. They've got axes out, and in time with the music they reduce their pianos to matchsticks. At the completion of the piece, they stop to the front of the T-shaped stage and with great decorum, arms around each other, they take their bows. Taina rises with the audience, cheering in great applause at the performance. As the applause die down, there's crash and bash backstage, and Taina raises a brow, taking a sip of her margarita.
"Cigars? Cigarettes?" said a high-pitched voice. "Eddie Valiant?"
Eddie and Taina turn to see Betty Boop, a popular toon woman of the 1930s. It was strange to see Betty without her usual black and white makeup but because she wasn't on T.V., her brown skin and short black curly hair was on full display. Betty Boop has always been one of Taina's favorite toon actors, since she was one of the first black toons to grace the silver screen, thus Taina idolizing Betty at an early age.
"Gee, it's swell to see you, Eddie," said Betty. "We miss you in Toon Town."
"Wish I could say the same," said Eddie. "What're you doin' here, Betty?"
"Work's been kind of slow for me lately," said Betty, with a sigh, but she perked back up. "But I still got it, Eddie..." Betty does her famous jingle and pose along with it. "Boop boop be-doop."
Oh my god, thought Taina. She did it! She did the thing!
Eddie smiled. "Yeah, you still got it, Betty."
Taina felt like she was going to burst but then controlled herself when Betty turns to her. "Oh, and—oh, my! Why if it isn't Tiny Tina? Say, you look just like your mother. I remember when you were just a toddler. Now you're all grown up."
Taina blushes. It's the first time she's met a real and spoke to a toon celebrity. Sure, she's seen Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse in passing, but never did she get the chance to speak with them, let alone have one remember her since she was a toddler. "Yep, that's me!" Taina quickly looks to Mrs. Acme and then back to Betty. Mrs. Acme takes an expensive looking bottle of perfume out of her purse and starts to spray some on. "Betty, why's Mrs. Acme gettin' dolled up?"
"Mrs. Acme comes here almost every night to see Jesse Rabbit, of course," explained Betty.
"Big on the musical comedy, huh?" said Eddie with a snort, unimpressed.
"Sounds like you two never seen 'em," said Betty, winking to Taina.
First Maroon and now Betty. What's the big deal about this guy?
Taina's eyes look to the ceiling for a moment as they begin to dim, preparing for the next act. On stage, the toon dog Droopy walks out with a spotlight following him. He must be this evening's emcee.
In his usual deadpan, he said, "Hello, everybody. I hope you're all having as much fun as I am. I have a small announcement to make. Jesse Rabbit will not be able to sing tonight."
A series of groans and moans and roars of disapproval come from both men and women in the audience.
"I am merely jesting," said Droopy, still in a deadpan. "Without further ado... here's the man times two, Toon Town's own chanteur par excellence... Jesse Rabbit!"
There's an excited applause—Taina joins in as Eddie frowns—as a toon combo made up of crows in shades (the crows from Dumbo) strike up the intro to the smokey song, "Why Don't You Do Right?". A spotlight shines on the red curtains as a purple gloved hand peek out, teasingly. Taina blinks, a little confused because the crowd around her goes wild—mostly the women—as the red curtains, in a grandiose reveal, the most handsome toon humanoid man presents himself.
Without even realizing, Taina's jaw drops. She has never seen anyone like him. Everything about him was so glamorous from his furiously red hair to the smolder of his blue eyes, to his sparkly red suit, unbuttoned white dress shirt showing off his gloriously toned chest that displayed an eight pack, and his purple gloved hands. He was class, he was extra, he was the whole package—a natural born performer.
Jesse coolly steps up to the microphone and begins to sing. "You had plenty money, 1922."
With just the first verse, Taina's in absolute awe of his voice. Sure, she's heard some amazing voices back in college, riddled with talent and charm, but nothing compared to his. His voice was smooth and sweet like honey, velvety, sexy even—if his looks didn't convince you he was attractive, his voice would certainly do the trick.
"You let other men make a fool of you. Why don't you do right, like some other gals do?"
Jesse detaches the microphone from the stand and effortlessly walks down the small set of stairs and into the audience. Taina watches intently as nearly every woman (and some men), hold their breath, wondering which way he was going to go and who'd he'd get close enough to touch. It was like being in the presence of a God. (Yes, that's an exaggeration, but she could care less.)
"Let's get outta here, I got some money for you," sang Jesse. "You're sittin' down and wonderin' what it's all about. If you ain't got no money, they will put you out." Jesse made a short stop to a woman whose table that was directly by the stage. She was brunette and wrapped in a fur coat, as Jesse kneeled and sang to her, magically pulling a dollar bill from nowhere, placing it in her mouth and closing it, seductively.
Soon he was back to strutting down the line of the t-shaped stage. "Why don't you do right, like some other gals do... Let's get outta here, I got some money for you." Finally making it to the edge, Jesse comes down the set of stairs effortlessly, keeping his eyes on the audience as he can see every woman get a little more excited that he's now entering the main floor.
"Now if you had prepared twenty years ago. You wouldn't be a-wanderin' now from door to door." But their excitement will have to subside when he sashays over to Mrs. Acme's table. Taina watches as Mrs. Acme perks up a little. Jesse teasingly plays with the middle-aged woman's greying curls as she giggles like a schoolgirl. Mrs. Acme makes a grab at him, but Jesse slips out of her grasp like mercury.
Taina nearly scrambled from her seat when Jesse made eye contact with her, but since she was in a public space and didn't want to embarrass herself over nothing, she stayed planted in her seat. She was still impressed by Jesse's stage presence but tried to keep her best poker face as to not seem nervous, turned on, panicked, or dare she say, scared.
"Why don't you do right? Like some other gals do..." Jesse sings rather tauntingly at her, quickly taking notice to her front—her poker face. He's encountered a couple of women like her and has made them break, she'd be no different. As he walks over, he slightly kneels to her sitting form, chuckling quietly to himself. His smoldering gaze bores into her brown eyes, gently lifting her from her seat only to reveal that she's as tall as him and wraps a muscular arm around her to press his sculpted abs to her body. It takes every ounce of willpower in Taina to not push him away and spoil his amazing performance, so, she plays along and lets him bait her.
Jesse then sings the last lines of the song just to Taina. "Let's get outta here, I got some money for you. Why don't you do right? Like some other gals... do?"
In mere seconds, Jesse leaves Taina standing by her table and is blowing her a kiss goodbye as the audience around her erupts in raucous applause (while some women jealously glare at her).
"What the hell... was that?" whispered Taina, a bit dumbfounded, grabbing her margarita from her table and downing the rest.
Eddie, with an apathetic look and folded arms over his chest, gave off the vibe as if he wanted to go backstage and wring Jesse Rabbit's neck for touching his niece with the way he stared at the closed red curtains. Men like that need to be kept from his niece. "Don't know, but all I know is that you stay away from men like him," said Eddie, drinking the rest of his scotch on the rocks. "Let's go, Taina." Eddie grabs his niece's arm and turns her to Mrs. Acme who's already, with a bouquet of flowers, (winks to Taina), makes her way backstage, most likely to see Jesse Rabbit, as the dimmed lights come up.
Eddie and Taina watch Mrs. Acme disappear behind the big red curtains to backstage. Eddie quickly follows the woman while dragging Taina with him as she makes a quick grab for her purse and throws a couple of dollars on the table for their penguin waiter. Something about sneaking around a backstage without permission didn't sit right with Taina. All she was really hoping was to not get caught and banned from this nice establishment. (Taina's been extremely nosey before but not like this where she could be arrested for trespassing.)
Taina follows her uncle as he follows Mrs. Acme down the corridor and then around a corner. They both watch as Mrs. Acme stops at a decorated door with Jesse Rabbit's name displayed on a gold star shaped plaque.
Taina shakes her head. This is crazy, she thought. Without a second thought, Taina looks for some place to hide so her uncle can do what he came here to do. He's a white man, he'll be fine if he's caught, she thought. Seeing a rack of brightly colored and crazy costumes, Taina decides to hide herself behind those.
Not even thirty seconds later, as her uncle his kneeled in front of the keyhole to Jesse Rabbit's dressing room door, the gorilla bouncer walks down the corridor. With one of his humongous hands, the gorilla taps Eddie on the shoulder, "Hey, whaddaya think you're doin', chump?"
Eddie turns around and stands before the bouncer, briefly looking around for his niece before his eyes glare at the gorilla. "Who're you callin' chump, chimp?"
The gorilla smiles sadistically when he recognizes Eddie. "Oh, it's da comedian..." The gorilla bouncer then grabs Eddie by the belt and lifts him off the ground. Taina jumps up from her hiding spot and watches in disbelief. She tries to keep up with the gorilla bouncer as he carries her uncle through another corridor and out a side door. A collaboration of a body, a loud yell, and what sounds like trashcans can be heard from the other side of the gorilla. Taina does her best to squeeze past him as he yells to Eddie, "And don't lemme catch your peepin' face around here again. Got it?"
"Ooga-booga!" taunted Eddie as the gorilla bouncer slammed the door. After dusting himself off, Eddie glares to Taina. "Where the hell were you?"
"Well, if you hadn't remembered, I'm not a cop like you and this is not my job, uncle," said Taina, folding her arms over her chest with much sass.
Eddie rolls his eyes and then notices a window not far from where they were. Taina follows Eddie, as he takes a milk crate and uses it as a stool to discreetly peer inside. Taina, without the help of a step stool, slowly looks inside to find Jesse Rabbit at his vanity and Mrs. Acme sitting on the couch, love bombing him.
"I don't like this. This is weird," mumbled Taina, leaning on the brick wall by the window.
"Are we going to play pattycake tonight?" asked Mrs. Acme from inside the dressing room.
"Minnie, I have a headache," said Jesse.
"But you promised," said Mrs. Acme, a little hurt.
"Oh, alright," said Jesse. There was a slight pause and a bit of shuffling. "But this time take that hand buzzer off."
Soon there's clapping noises and giggles from Mrs. Acme as Eddie takes the camera from his coat pocket and starts clicking away.
"Ew! Are you serious right now!" whispered Taina to her uncle.
"It's not what you think, Taina," whispered Eddie back, taking another picture. He nods his head at what's going on inside and Taina gives in to look.
Inside, through the curtains, she can see Jesse Rabbit and Mrs. Acme playing pattycake, a hand game for kids.
"What. The. Fuck."
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The Valiant's found themselves making the short trip back to Maroon Cartoon Studies to deliver the photos in no time. Taina still hasn't recovered from what she witnessed. She was guessing pattycake was the equivalence of sex to toons from the way Jesse was getting excited and how—right now, actually—Roger Rabbit was reacting to these photos of his beloved son.
"Pattycake! Pattycake!" cried Roger as he shook the blinds on the window and ran over to Maroon's desk to slam his head twice on.
"Baker's man," mumbled Eddie, not believing the over-the-top reaction Roger was having. "But no use ruinin' a good pair of shoes over it."
From her spot in one of the chairs in front of Maroon's desk, Taina can see a puddle formed on the floor and rug from Roger's tears. "Is it really that serious!" commented Taina.
Maroon hands Roger a handkerchief and Roger AAH-OO-GA's his nose. "Take comfort, son," said Maroon, taking the soiled handkerchief from the rabbit and tossing it into the trash. "You're not the first man whose son turned out to be not-so innocent."
"I don't believe it. I won't believe it. I shan't believe," said Roger, through small sobs.
"The pictures don't lie," said Maroon. "Mr. Valiant here took them himself."
Roger takes another look at the pictures as if he would see something different. They were shots of his son Jesse Rabbit and the Gag Queen herself, Mrs. Acme, seated knee to knee, caught in the act of slapping palms, really playing pattycake. And as he rapidly went through them, it looked like a short movie picture. It was almost as if he were there in the room, watching his son play pattycake with a woman twice is age.
"But my little Jesse," Roger then starts sobbing again. "He's my little boy, the light of my life. Why couldn't he just date a nice girl—like you!" Through teary eyes, Roger points to Taina as she looks back as if there's a different "nice girl" he's talking about.
Valiant grimaces and then eyes the booze on the bar table as he mutters to himself. "I'd never let someone like him date my niece." But Roger didn't hear, still too upset by the pictures.
"Frankly, I'm shocked," said Maroon. "Minerva Acme's been my friend and neighbor for thirty years." Maroon gestures out the window and then opens the blinds a little for the Valiant's to see. The blinking neon sign on the roof of the building the next block over—"Acme – If it's Acme – It's a gasser!". "Who would have thought she really was a sugar mommy?"
Maroon goes over to the bar table and pours a drink into a crystal glass. He then carries the drink to Roger. "Well, important thing now Roger, is to put all this behind you. Drink this, you'll feel better."
The rabbit takes the glass and shoots it down in one gulp.
"I know this all seems painful now," continued Maroon. "But you'll find that this is just a way of life. Won't he, Miss Valiant?"
Taina glares at Maroon and his shit-eating grin. "Of course, Roger," said Taina, through gritted teeth. "This will be nothing but a thing of the past."
It doesn't appear Roger has comprehended what she's said because the peculiar effect of alcohol that toons experience has started. There's a rumble like a volcano and then Roger's head turns into a toon steam whistle, shrieking. Taina covers her ears and closes her eyes at the high pitch noise as glass objects around the room began to shatter and the room slightly shaking. As quickly as it started, Roger collapses in pure exhaustion in Maroon's black swivel chair.
"Son of a bitch," said Eddie, trying to clean the alcohol from his hand. His glass had shattered in Roger's eruption. Eddie turns to Maroon. "Mr. Maroon, I think my niece and I will be goin' now, so about the rest of my fee..."
"Sure, Valiant, sure..." Maroon grabs his checkbook and writes a check for fifty dollars.
"Being experienced in these family matters, you have advice for our friend here?" asked Maroon, twisting the knife.
"My advice?" Eddie side glances at Taina and then to Roger. "Let the kid do what he wants, he's a grown man."
Eddie must have hit a nerve because Roger jumps up from his spot, onto the desk, and grabs Eddie by the lapels. "Jesse's my little boy and we're just experiencing some bumps in the road, a slight detour. He, I, and my wife, will be a happy family again! Get it! Happy! H-A-P-P-I!"
In a flash, Roger zips off the desk and out the window, leaving a rabbit sized hole in the glass and blinds. Maroon and both Valiant's walk to the window and stare on at the wreckage Roger's left behind.
"At least he took it well," said Eddie.
Taina gives him an incredulous look.
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Author's Note: For my very long absence, I wanted to update a long chapter. And it took me forever to figure out what I was gonna do for Jesse and Taina's first meeting. If you have any suggestions, feel free to comment or private message me. Hope you've enjoyed!