McKenna Prentiss | December 2, 2017
If I had one word to describe how I was feeling the past week, it's confused. Confused with what I was doing, confused with my feelings, and confused why I'm still with Niall.
It's been a whole week since the fashion show, and it was finally televised last Tuesday. Fans seemed to have noticed Harry sing "She's my angel", and I even noticed him pointing at me when he had sung that line. I obviously didn't notice it at the time because my back was facing him, but seeing it televised, it made me smile, and all giddy. I'm his angel.
Ever since I confessed my real feelings to Bella, I started to realize how my feelings for Harry has changed from like to love. Yes, I love Harry fucking Styles. That day we spent in Disneyland was as if he knew, we acted like a fucking couple, even though paps weren't following us.
The sudden confession made me sick to my stomach with guilt. I've been feeling guilty over the past week because I never had the heart to tell Niall. He was so sweet and understanding and I felt as if I don't have to act weird around him, like I could totally be myself. It's different when I'm with Niall, he makes me feel wanted, cared for, and appreciated, and I know it's not for show.
With Harry I second guess everything, was he just being affectionate because we might be photographed? Was he being clingy because we're in public? Everything just seemed like it was for show, but with Niall, it was different.
I've never been in a situation where I had the power to break one, or two, hearts. If I chose Harry, then I would be breaking Niall's heart, and most probably Camille's. I'm not even sure if Harry feels the same way. If I chose Niall on the other hand, then I would be breaking my own. I can learn to love Niall, but the voice in the back of my head will be a constant reminder that I never chose him in the first place.
This is all so fucking frustrating, why can't I just feel nothing? Can't I just be a vampire and turn off my humanity switch so I wouldn't care who I'm hurting? That's too much Vampire Diaries for one day McKenna.
I've been stuck in the studio the whole day, well, more like the whole week. Ever since we flew back from Shanghai, I've been in and out of the studio, writing constantly. However all my ideas, all my pages just ended up in the trash, except for two.
Feelings and Tyler Durden were messily written on my journal, and on my board with all the titles that I want to put in my first ever album. I know if I added Feelings to my album, people might just pick apart at the song and start assuming shit, and if I put Tyler Durden, then Harry is obviously going to know it's him.
During the first week that we became friends, before the whole PR fiasco, Harry and I hung out at his place, and we watched Fight Club. I had blatantly confessed that I have never seen the movie, and Harry being Harry made me sit through the entire thing. I like it, and it was the first time we actually bonded.
I head into the recording booth, and picked up my guitar, strumming the chords I had previously practiced for this song.
With my fingers in your mouth
You're only speaking vowels
And I like it
And with your hand around my throat
I don't wanna see you go
'Cause I like it
I took one too many
Now I got to stay up all night
Or else I'm done for
I'm done for
I'm in love with Tyler Durden
That's why this shit ain't never working for me
I'm in love with a fantasy
This is your life and it's ending
One minute at a time
So what you gonna do?
What you gonna do?
I've had one too many for you to take me down
So you gonna need to keep me up or I'ma fall down
And I'm in love with Tyler Durden
That's why this shit ain't never working for me
Cause I'm in love with a fantasy
Cause I'm in love with Tyler Durden
That's why none of this
No, none of its ever working
I hadn't notice that while I was singing, tears were streaming down my face, and I was sniffling. God I have to do this again.
I stepped out of the recording booth, and gave the record a listen. I noticed that in the chorus, it was like I was on the verge of breaking down, and it actually sounded good, much to my dismay. I decided that I would just leave it like this, and not exactly edit anything anymore. Management wanted vulnerability? Well, here you go.
I was too coped up with listening to the track that my phone had kept ringing, then a few text tones notified it. I glanced to check my phone, and saw Niall had texted, quite a few times.
I contemplated between texting him and calling him up since he asked. I decided on calling him anyway. He answered on the first ring, as if he was anticipating my call.
"Hey babe." He answers, Irish accent think as he greeted me.
"Hey, Ni. What's up?" I ask, playing with the strings of my guitar as I awaited his answer.
"Oh nothing, are ya free today? Wanna hang?" He rambles out, and I chuckle.
"Erm, I've just finished recording, you're free to come by if you want." I shrug, maybe if I hang out with Niall, I'll be able to sort out my feelings, maybe.
"Alrighty then! I'll be there in 15. Bye babe!" He hangs up, and I just sat in the studio, playing with my guitar and trying to figure out how to make Feelings, not sound so depressing. Maybe I'll make it upbeat?
Soon enough, Niall was walking in the studio, hands in his pockets and a grin on his face.
"Hey babe." He greets, walking over to me and kissing the top of my head.
"Hey Ni." I greet back, smiling back at him as he sits on the piano chair, and starts playing with the keys.
"You recorded today yeah? Can I hear it?" He asks, and I pale. It was a good thing my back was turned to him when he asked because my eyes went wide at his question. Do you wanna hear me sing about my feelings for someone else Niall? Huh?
"Oh, erm, I'm not yet finished and I want it to be a surprise. So no, you can't listen to it." I smiled up at him, and he just chuckled, nodding his head in response. He turns to the cork board with all the titles of songs that I wrote for the album. I notice his brows furrow whilst looking at them.
"Tyler Durden? Like the dude from Fight Club?" He asks, brows furrowed in confusion as he looked at me. I just shrugged in response.
"It's been my favorite movie ever since I've watched it. The whole concept of the song is like the movie, tricking yourself that you're part of something, but it's all just a fantasy."
"That's deep babe." He says, chuckling and I just nod, fake laughing to cover up the fact that I just told someone who likes me that I like someone else.
"So, what's your next single? Can I at least hear that?" He asks, looking through the titles, as if he was trying to figure out the songs.
"Uhm, probably Feelings. I honestly don't know."
"You know," He trailed, walking closer to me and he wraps his arm around my waist, turning me to face him, "If you just let me listen to some songs, I can help you pick a single."
His lips were dangerously close to mine, as his eyes flick from mine to my lips. "Can I kiss you McKenna?"
"Do you even have to ask?" I respond, my eyes trailing from his blue irises to his lips. It didn't take Niall to be told twice, he leans in and presses his lips to mine.
Niall and I have kissed before, but this kiss felt different. It's as if he was pouring out all his emotions in this kiss. I tried to keep up with him, as his tongue swipes my bottom lip to enter my mouth.
We were probably making out for a good minute, when I heard the door knob twist and open. I immediately jumped apart from Niall, and looked to see my mom standing there, her hand on the doorknob and her eyes wide open.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I guess I'll come back later." She says, raising one hand up to cover her eyes and walking back as she shuts the door.
Niall turns back to me, and as we lock eyes, we release the laugh that we've been holding since my mom left the room.
"Now that was embarrassing. I don't think your mom will ever look at me the same way again." He says, arms snaking back around my waist and pulling me back to him. "Now, about that song."
It wasn't long before I finally caved in, and played him my song. At first I was apprehensive, he's basically going to hear me sing about having feelings for someone. After much convincing, and flirting, he finally got his wish.
He was sitting on the producer's chair, hands on the mouse as he clicks through previous songs I've recorded. He clicked on the file Feelings, and my voice suddenly fills the room. I had recorded this with the help of Jamie, and can I just say what an absolute genius he is?
When I had written the song, it was sad, and almost too depressing, but he thought if we made it a tad bit upbeat, then people wouldn't think of it as a depressing song, but more of as a song about someone confessing their feelings and finally being free of that hold.
I walk through this world
Just trying to be nice
They say I'll get hurt
If I'm not like ice
I know I've got friends
I still get so lonely
If I look in your eyes
I'll want you to hold me
I'm sorry that I care
It's really not that fair
I can't help but care
I over communicate and feel to much
I just complicate it when I say too much
I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch
Sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all tough
I'm hooked on all these feelings
I know exactly what I'm feeling
This love asylum, like an island, just me and you
Spent the night, you got me high, what did you do?
I'm hooked on all these feelings
There caught up inside
Both happy and lonely
Keep telling me lies
They're killing me slowly
I get too attached
They don't even know me
Why can't I relax
I'm sorry that I care
It's really not that fair
I can't help but care
I over communicate and feel to much
I just complicate it when I say too much
I laugh about it, dream about that casual touch
Your sex is fire, sick and tired of acting all tough
I'm hooked on all these feelings
I know exactly what I'm feeling
This love asylum, like an island, just me and you
Spent the night, you got me high, what did you do?
I'm hooked on all these feelings
I know exactly what I'm feeling
"That was, I-, that's. Okay, I have no words." He says, struggling with how to express his feelings about the song. I grew more and more anxious as he remained silent, his eyes focused on the monitor in front of him.
"Is that a good thing?" I asked, my brows furrowed. I walked closer to him, and placed my hand on his shoulder.
"No, yeah it's an amazing song, Kenna. It's- erm- what's your inspiration for this song?" He asks, suddenly shying away from me and leaning against the controls.
"What do you mean?" I retort, my brows furrowed in confusion at his sudden interest in my song writing muse.
"What exactly are you feeling?" He asks, using the last words of my song against me.
"About what Niall?" His questions made me even more confused. What the hell is he talking about?
"You know what, never mind that. It's a beautiful song Kenna, I think this could be your next single." He says, shoulders slumping and he relaxes into me, wrapping his arms back around my waist and pulling me in closer.
"You sure? I'm quite skeptical about it." I say, my eyes avoiding his intense stare, but his index finger hooks under my chin to lift my gaze to his.
"McKenna, it's a beautiful song alright? Stop worrying." He says, chuckling towards his last statement, and I nod, letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding in.
We stayed in the studio pretty much the majority of the day. Niall being Niall kept picking up my guitar, strumming a few chords, then placing it back down. He would do this a couple of times before he finally stuck to the guitar, strumming chords and singing quietly as he did.
When you feel your love's been taken
and you know there's something missing
In the dark, we're barely hanging on
I'm afraid, what we have has gone
I felt as though he was singing the song to me, as if he was literally confessing something to me. His beautiful baby blue eyes kept glancing at mine, and it held this unsureness in them.
There's a flicker of hope that you first gave to me
I want to keep
please don't leave
I hope this won't pass
but I know this won't last
He stopped singing, and hung his head low. I heard him sniffle, and he tried to cover it up with a cough, but I know what I heard.
"Ni? You alright?" I ask, standing from the couch, and walking across to him. He lifts his head to me and smiles.
"Course babe, I'm fine." He smiles, scrunching his nose to conceal the sniffle he made.
This is exactly why I didn't want to continue or go further with Niall. He's a sweetheart, and he's too good for me, way too good. I know I shouldn't have played him the song, it was selfish of me to do that. It's selfish of me to be clinging onto him, acting affectionate towards him, and especially kissing him. It's selfish of me to lead him on. I don't even know why I still am.
I love Niall, I do, but I'm in love with someone else.
Meanwhile in Auckland, New Zealand
Harry Styles | December 2, 2017
"Sarah? Have you seen Harry? I've been looking for him everywhere and I can't seem to find him?" Her voice echoes through the hallway. I was sitting on the couch in my dressing room, head in my hands as I try to relax my breathing.
Performing is one of my favorite things about my job. My least favorite? The panic attacks before performing. I never get these a lot, usually just when I'm really stressed before a show, or when I'm overthinking a lot and it piles on to the show nerves.
Nobody knows that I get them, well except my mom, obviously, but other than my mom, I usually try to calm myself. It does get exhausting at times, but I never want to put the burden of other people worrying for me, so I try to conceal it the best way I can.
"Harry?" Camille asks as she walks in the dressing room, I lift my head slightly to meet her eyes, and she has her brows furrowed, and soon she's sitting next to me on the couch, her hand on my shoulder.
"Mon cherie, what's wrong?" She asks, her french accent thick, but it fades as she switches back to english.
"Nothing, I'm fine." I say, shrugging her hand off, and standing from the couch to walk across the room.
"Harry you're as pale as a ghost, what's wrong?" She presses, standing up and folding her hands across her chest. She looks to me, her brows raised and her expression cold as if she was annoyed.
"Nothing's wrong Camille, I told you I'm fine." I try to stay as calm as possible, but she keeps pushing me.
"Harry, a minute ago you were shaking and you couldn't even breathe properly, now you're pacing back and forth, can you just please tell me what's wrong?" She pleads, but I shake my head in defense.
"I wanna be alone for a bit, can you please leave." I close my eyes, and tilt my head back, rolling my shoulders. As soon as I open my eyes and my gaze lands on Camille, her eyes narrowed.
"Harry, baby, you're about to have a panic attack, I can't leave you alone." She speaks, walking over to where I was standing. I walk away from her, but she just follows me like a lost puppy.
"Baby, please just talk to me." She pleads, and that's all it took for me to snap.
"Camille I told you I want to be alone! Now can you please respect that and leave the room!" I snap, turning to her with my eyes in slits as I glared at her.
"Okay," She puts her hands up in surrender and bites her bottom lip as I noticed it had began to tremble. Oh God, not this again.
Whenever it doesn't go her way, or whenever Camille didn't get what she wants, she would always throw a fit, and I mean a literal fit. She's acting like she's a fucking child, jesus she's 8 years older than me.
She finally leaves the room, and I let out a breath. That wasn't hard now was it? I started to pace again, my hands in my hair and fisting at it. I try to control my breathing but it's no use.
I grab the bottle of water that was sitting on the coffee table and take a huge gulp. Just breathe Harry.
I don't know how I did it, but as I closed my eyes and tried to regain control of my breathing, my mind started to think about her. It's the first thought that popped into my head. I don't know why, but I can't stop thinking about her. Her chocolate brown eyes that turned hazel under the sunlight, or her voice, her smile. She's the first one that I see.
Soon enough, my breathing is back to normal, and I open my eyes to find the emptiness of the dressing room. I walk back to the couch and laid on it, my feet hanging off the edge.
Why do I always end up thinking about her? Ever since that night in Shanghai, things between Kenna and I have been pretty good. Kenna's management loved that we went to Disneyland and were spotted by fans, this apparently did great for the publicity stunt. I didn't care, I knew that day whatever Kenna and I did was real, it wasn't for show.
We've been texting back and forth lately, and even if I'm halfway across the world, I've been trying my best to help her with her album. Although, there are some songs that she hasn't shown me, majority of the songs we have written together, she has recorded and sent to me so I could listen.
McKenna has a lovely voice, and since we wrote most of her songs together, she could be my supporting act. I should pitch that idea to Jeff soon.
"Hey H? You okay?" speaking of Jeff, he knocks as he pops his head in, I nod in response, and he opens the door to walk in.
"Camille just threw a fit in the band's dressing room. Sarah, Mitch, Adam and Claire literally walked out when she started to cry it was actually quite funny." He says, I let out a small laugh at his story.
"Alright, let's get you ready." He pats my shoulder. A roadie comes in, attaching the pack of my in-ears and soon they were dangling by my neck.
"Have a great show." The roadie says, and I shake his hand, mouthing a thank you.
"Alright Auckland, let's have some fun." I say to myself in the mirror.
For the first time in months, I wasn't thinking about Camille, I was thinking about Kenna.
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do you guys like that i put in lyrics of the song? or nah?
anyway how'd ya like this chapter? looks like trouble is stirring with harry and camille 👀
also! i start online classes next week so updates are going to be slow for a bit! and for sure updates will be during the weekends!
i hope you enjoyed this chapter my loves!
all my love,
savannah x