45k, nerds.
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I was waiting outside on the patio when Austin came to pick me up. His headlights sparked a fire in my stomach, and I immediately began reeling for his hands on me. It was as if I'd almost forgotten how much I liked being around him. Things had settled down a little bit between us, and I had grown quite comfortable around him. Sort of like...family. He came down half the driveway, goading me to meet him there; so I did. Running, I held tight to my bag, trying to absorb any harm that might come to my camera. It was bulky, and maybe it got in the way a bit, but I knew I had to bring it with me. It was part of us. I still thought about the first time we used it, standing alone in my bedroom. How he held my hand. The laughter. It didn't take much to decide that I'd bring it with me.
"Hey," he said as I pulled the car door open.
"My love," I said cheekily, sliding in and buckling up. His eyes lingered on me, seemingly in contemplation, before leaning in lightly and kissing my eyebrow.
"You smell really good," he said, something creeping into his voice that I didn't quite recognize.
"Thanks," I smiled, feeling accomplished that all my hard work paid off. "It's at the expense of any dignity I had left, but thank you."
"What does that mean?" he chuckled, backing out of the driveway and slowly getting on the road. Driving away made me feel safer. If I was honest with myself, every time we left, I imagined my dad running out and seeing us. It was nerve wrecking.
"It doesn't matter."
"Weirdo," he chuckled, searching for my hand with his own in the darkness.
"So, what are we doing tonight?" I asked, holding his hand tighter and feeling my stomach jump a little.
"Oh, I've got some plans," he replied, looking at me with a twinkle in his eye. A literal twinkle. I clamped my lips together.
"Mind sharing them?"
"I do, actually, thanks for asking," he said with a little smirk. I liked when he messed with me; it made everything seem so light.
"Okay," I mumbled in reply, kissing the back of his hand and letting it return to the steering wheel.
"So, how was the rest of your day?" he asked politely.
"Meh," I replied, shrugging. "It was okay. How was yours?"
"I found $20 in my couch." Lifting my hand up, I high-fived him, smiling.
"So it was a good day."
"Very much."
The conversation drifted away, and I rested my elbow on the center console, leaning my head on his shoulder. Quiet sighs animated the car, and he hummed contentedly. Austin was wearing a light grey Nirvana shirt, and a pair of jeans with rips in them. But they looked like real rips, not the kind that come on the jeans when you buy them, made in a factory. The little things like this made me love him. At a stop light, he craned his neck and kissed me straight on the forehead, letting warm lips linger at my skin. The heart in my chest sped right up, and deep rose shades covered my ears.
"I feel so calm around you," he spoke quietly, driving on. My eyes scanned our surroundings, for we'd been driving a while, and I was unsure of where we really were. I wanted to ask, but I knew it was supposed to be some secret.
"Yeah," I murmured, rubbing his arm soothingly. His skin heated up at my touch, and I felt everything inside me blossom. It was perfect. 20 minutes ticked by of me just cuddling him while he drove. Sometimes he even drove with one hand, which I loved. My oh-so-adult boyfriend, who drove with one hand and kissed me whenever I wanted. But I'd begun to be curious as to where we were going. It was nice and relaxed in the dark car at about 1:35 AM, the sound of the engine keeping us company.
"Aus?" I asked very quietly, clearing my throat.
"Hm?"
"Are we almost there yet?"
"Yeah, baby," he replied. "Just a little longer. Are you bored?" he asked worriedly. "Do you want me to take you home?"
"No, no, I'm fine," I giggled, kissing his shoulder and snuggling into it tighter. "Not bored at all. Never wanna go home."
"Excellent. Because we're gonna do something cool." I let go and sat up, smiling.
"Okay," I said, grinning. It seemed he really did have something good planned. I almost felt guilty for how much thought and effort he put into our adventures, because it must've been a lot. All I did was come along for the ride.
"I'm going to start paying for gas," I said, and he looked at me weird before shaking his head.
"No, that's okay."
"Seriously, it makes me feel really bad how much time and money you put into this." He laughed like what I said was stupid.
"But I like it. I love doing this with you. When I'm somewhere else," he said, more slowly and softly, "all I really think about is coming back to see you." My heart was melting. But I wouldn't take no for an answer.
"I'm still helping pay. C'mon, it would make me happy."
"You're a little cheater, you know that?" he laughed, shooting me a sidelong glance. Shrugging, I put my feet up on the dash and smirked a little.
"No. You just suck at my game."
"I could play your game and win in two seconds flat."
"Liar. I'm paying for gas." Stubbornly, I pulled a twenty out of my pocket and shoved it in the cup holder below his dash. He tried to say something, including indignant noises, but I cut him off. "Shut up, Austin."
"Dude."
"Seriously. Shut up. Just take it," I chuckled, and he groaned.
"Fi-i-ine," he moaned in an annoyed voice, crumpling the bill and forcing it as deep into his pocket as he could. Part of me wondered if he was trying to bury the shame of accepting money from his boyfriend. And I wanted to know if he ever accepted anything from anyone. He seemed so self-sufficient.
"Are you mad at me?" I asked, feeling amused but slightly disgruntled.
"Yes."
"So what?" I smirked. I liked sassing him. It made me feel...sexy somehow. Like I could do what I wanted.
He stayed still for a moment before pulling off into a dark parking lot and staring at the wheel. Then, he shook his head, breathing heavily, and got back on the road.
"What the hell was that?" I asked, looking at him and feeling slightly scared.
"Nothing," Austin shrugged. "Just, thinking."
"About what?" I chuckled, looking out the window. The buildings were getting taller and brighter. More and more businesses and fast food places cluttered the street. "Wait- are we- in the city?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows and interrupting him. Austin smiled.
"Yes, my dear, we are," he said in a formal tone, zooming past bright lights and grey sidewalks.
"Why?" I asked excitedly. Was he taking me somewhere fancy? I had no idea, but it felt so romantic. The city. My stomach rolled. I was glad I could be such an asshole and he knew I was kidding.
"I don't know."
"Austin!" I groaned. "Tell me!"
"No can do, baby," he said, taking my hand and kissing the back of it. I felt frustrated not knowing, because I couldn't prepare myself for whatever was coming. But I felt this overwhelming passion for him. Have you ever experienced that before? Like there was red hot love in your chest, and it was in command. Whatever you felt, you were subject to. Imagine that: human beings, slaves to passion. Hardly a creative way to think of it, but I didn't care much.
"What was that thing from before?" I asked, realizing I'd interrupted him. I wanted to know why he was acting so weird before."What were you thinking about?"
"Taking you into the backseat and making you mine."
He didn't look embarrassed. I, however, was absolutely mortified. My whole face went cherry red, ears burning and mouth clamped shut. God, he knew how to make me itch. Palms sweating and body warm, I stared at my feet.
"Oh." My voice had cracked then, and he burst out laughing.
"Wow," he chuckled at my response. I didn't know what to say, or if it was an implication of actual sex or not. It certainly sounded like one. I wanted Austin in so many ways, they all just blurred together sometimes. I had to remind myself that I should put boundaries up. But I didn't want to. I wanted no boundaries with him. No place he wasn't allowed to touch, no part of me he couldn't love. That was ideal.
I was just- I was so embarrassed when he talked like that. I couldn't tell if I should say the same things right back at him, or if I even could. Well- I knew I could. But that was a completely different setting. Could I somehow unlock the crazed sex demon who obviously lived inside me? Based on how I acted when we were...intimate, there must've been that person inside me. I just had to find him, whenever he was hiding. Maybe the trick was to not think. No thinking, just saying whatever I want. That had to be it.
"I think I like the idea of the backseat of your car, actually," I said in a calm voice, folding my hands in my lap and looking straight forward. He swallowed very audibly. Got him. I knew I could. I just had to believe.
"Do you?" he asked, and my eyes shot sideways to look at him, seeing his obviously very peaked interest.
"Mhm. Very much."
"Well. No time for that now," he chuckled. I looked out the window, and my lips turned down. We were in the bad side of town. Part of me sorta knew he wouldn't take me to a fancy place, and loved it. That's just not who he was. Austin never needed diamonds and money. And if he didn't, neither did I. The frown slipped from my face, replacing itself with an easy smile.
"Are we there yet?" I asked, feeling my stomach warm up. He nodded, black brown hair dipping into those intense, beautiful eyes. My breath always shortened when I looked at him, and now was no exception. He was dressed like a normal teenage boy: t-shirt and jeans. Tonight was a little cooler for summer, so he was wearing light blue skinny jeans. They fit him so well, hugging his ass and legs, ripped on the knees and perfect looking. I wanted to pull them off of him. His shirt, of course, was old and faded. It only enticed me more. And one more word: beanies. There was no god tonight. Only Austin Carlile in a beanie.
"I like your outfit," I said sheepishly, and he raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," I mumbled in reply. "I haven't seen you in jeans in forever."
"Enjoy it while it lasts," he laughed. "I like shorts way better. Gotta free the leg hair." He was so hot, god. I sighed.
With nothing important to say, only feeling everything for him in my chest, I held his arm as he slowed down and parked on the side of the road. Tall, dark brick buildings loomed over our heads, like sleeping giants. Shadows fell everywhere, abandoned warehouses surrounding us, and sickly lit fast food places.
"Stay right there," he ordered, turning the car off and unbuckling. I watched Austin get out, shutting the door with a loud thump, and hurrying around to my side. He opened the door for me, and I smiled up at him, unbuckling too and taking his hand. He helped me out, and smiled warmly.
"I'm glad you're here tonight," he said quietly, kinda pressing my hips to the car in a light manner. Heart hammering, I smiled and wrapped my arms around his waist. I liked to hold tight, feel all his warmth, and every bone I could touch. He wrapped his arms all the way around my neck, bent at the elbows and bringing my face as close to his as it could possibly be. Tentative lips met beneath the city lights, soft and wandering. Innocent kisses had my head spinning, gripping him tighter and smiling as he marked me as his own.
"You seem...different tonight," he whispered into my mouth.
"What do you mean?" I asked, trying not to let any panic edge my voice. He breathed kinda heavily, kissing me while he spoke.
"I- I don't know. It's- nice. You smell really, really good. Your lips are so soft," he mumbled, kissing me again and again. At that moment, I was having a little self dance party on the inside for going through the trouble of making myself all girly for him. Making the little 'I dunno' noise, I shrugged and pecked his lips one last time before pulling away. There was no way I'd tell Austin what I did.
"So," I said, pulling out some cash and putting it in the parking meter. "Are you gonna tell me yet?"
"Nope!" he grinned, taking my hand and walking along the sidewalk. "The sky looks so black," he said randomly. I looked up, eyes fixated on the sky. He was right. I couldn't see a single star, and the moon was covered up by a cloud.
"It's the city lights. I guess they kinda stamp the pretty stuff out." I shrugged.
"But they do make their own kind of pretty, I suppose." He pointed to a dark red brick building with green vines creeping up the side, swallowing the wall whole. The leaves were serrated and dark, vines stiff and stick like, as if tired, clacking bones were sprawled against the wall.
"I love that," I mumbled. "It's like- no matter what humans do to create a manmade little world, the natural world still come through."
"I wonder what this whole place would look like if it had been abandoned for 20 years," he mused, towing me down the road. I liked the way his hand felt around mine. Kinda sweaty, really warm, absolutely perfect.
"Probably cooler than it looks now." He laughed out loud, the sound echoing out. Cars seldom zoomed down the street, and no one was in sight, but I began to feel worried about this place. I'd never been to this side of town.
"Austin?" I asked quietly, purposely wrapping his arm around me to find comfort. "Are you sure this place is safe?"
"Well, I'm not really sure if its safe, per se," he ventured. "But I know that if anyone tried to hurt you, I'd rip their guts out and wear it like a little scarf."
"That's the weirdest thing you've ever said."
"But you feel safe now, don't you?" he asked, cocking his head.
"Mildly terrified, but I guess somewhat safe, too."
"Don't worry, baby, we're almost there. Just let me take care of you," he said quietly, kissing the top of my head. His arm tightened around me. Sighs in relief and happiness exited our lips, floating up into the atmosphere. And I wondered- maybe this is where miracles and good vibes come from. Someone else's love and joy, floating around through the air, waiting to bless another person in need. I loved the idea of that.
Austin walked me deeper and deeper into the city, until most of the convenience stores and fast food places were far out of sight. We tucked ourselves away into the decrepit streets of urban decay, wandering along sidewalks. He seemed to know where we were going.
"Have you been here before?" I asked, looking up at Austin. His chin was right there, so I kissed it. With a little laugh, he nodded.
"Y-yeah, uh, I have. Only once before. I'm not sure why the path is so engrained in my mind."
"When?" I asked curiously. He looked uncomfortable.
"Jason took me when I was younger. It must've been 6 years ago," he replied, biting his lip and scrunching his eyebrows together. "He had just gotten his license, and he really went on this driving binge thing. He wanted to take me everywhere. We'd go places when my parents left for work. Uh," Austin said, swallowing and breathing deeply. "M-my car, you know, it used to be his."
I nodded, reaching over and squeezing his hand. "He'd be so proud of you, Aus," I said, rubbing his arm to comfort him. Austin smiled a little, shrugging.
"I hope so. I don't- I don't know if I'll ever get over it, you know?" His voice was filled with longing, and I got the feeling he'd known this for quite some time. Repeated it to himself a thousand times. Knew it deep in his heart. He'd never be over Jason.
"It's okay," I murmured, "things heal with time. I know you're hurt. But I'm here. You've just got to know that he'd be so incredibly proud of who you've become."
"Thanks, Alan," he sighed, nodding slowly. "It's hard to keep it in all the time."
"You don't have to. I'd be happy to talk about it whenever you need."
"Jason was really into drugs," he said randomly. I nodded understandingly, waiting for him to continue, and hoping that I'd be able to help.
"He really liked anything that came in the form of a pill. Pain killers, ecstasy, Xanax, anything. I never understood until later. Alan, I was...so young. I didn't get it. I was just a kid. Jason was a good guy, really. He just got depressed, and mixed into bad stuff," he said, voice getting quieter and quieter as he spoke. I wrapped an arm around his waist, calmingly stroking his side as we walked.
"He left a girl behind. Julie. She was gorgeous. She'd come over to our house all the time, and I had the biggest crush on her," he chuckled, smiling really big. "I didn't know I was gay yet, but, god, she was beautiful. I almost thought she'd automatically be mine or something after Jason was gone. It hadn't really connected at the time that he wasn't coming back. I was too little to get it." Austin seemed okay to talk after then, and I was sure he wouldn't cry.
"But it wasn't enough, you know? He'd just get so high, sitting in his room and playing guitar all day. Never did anything else. I didn't know him anymore. But- I mean- what can I do?" He chuckled humorlessly. My heart felt so broken by all of this, and I had no idea what to say. What words could sew him back together? Only so sure of my body, I held him tighter.
"I'm sorry," I said, unable to look him in the eye. I was guilty for the scar on my wrist. "I can't even imagine what you went through. But you've got a chance, you know? To do better. To be a better man. I know you loved Jason. But wherever he is now, he'd want you to keep going."
"I struggle with that. Being a better man," he admitted, looking forward as we walked. "I want to. For you. Jason was always kind of an asshole to Julie. He never gave a damn because he was so high or depressed, constantly. She'd sit outside his door for hours, begging for him to come outside. I think, now, he was cutting himself in there and she knew it. It was really fucked up," he whispered. "I was so young. I'd just sit in her lap and play GameBoy and help distract her. I didn't know."
"But I wanna be better than he was. I loved him, but he made so many mistakes that I know I'll never make now."
"That's a good thing," I assured him. "You are better. You're the most caring, amazing person I've ever met. I know you're hurt. But it's okay," I mumbled, rubbing his hip lovingly. He smiled, kissing the top of my head.
"At least he's not here to see how gay I turned out," Austin laughed. "He would've made fun me so much." I laughed. We both laughed. And everything seemed lighter.
"Hey, I'm really proud of you," I whispered, kissing his cheek.
"I need to hear that sometimes." He smiled. "Cause- like- if you don't say it, no one will."
"Well, I am. I love you."
"Shush," he laughed, kissing me. "We're here." Looking around, I found myself in front of a tall building. I'd barely even noticed, being so wrapped up in Austin's words. It was a really big, grey structure, like a workplace. It had so many floors, with tons of windows and all. I mean- it looked so normal. You saw about a hundred of these in every city. Why would he bring me there? I didn't get it.
"Aus, what is this place?" I asked. He took my hand and pulled me around the building. It took us a long time to get around it because it was so big, so he spoke while we walked.
"It's a lot of things. Every floor is rented out to a different company. They're all accounting type places, insurance agencies and small time product sellers. But there's something cool I brought you here to see," he said.
"It's not even open!" I exclaimed. He was being ridiculous. But I should've known that he was Austin freaking Carlile, and he could do anything.
"Every door is open," was his reply. I smirked a little, feeling warmth in my chest. I loved him so much. As we made it to the back of the building, I found a grey metal door that was push-to-open. Raising one eyebrow, I looked at him. Daring him. In any reasonable world, this door would be locked. There would be security cameras. We wouldn't be able to enter. But this wasn't a reasonable world. This was Austin's World.
He stuck his tongue out at me and pushed the door straight open.
It was dim inside, but there were lights on the ceiling every 10 feet. It was a stairwell. We'd entered into the freaking stairwell. The door clicked shut behind us softly. Austin started walking up the stairs, and I followed, trying not to ask questions that I knew I wouldn't get an answer to. It didn't work.
"Why was the door open?"
"Every door is open."
"Austin, seriously."
He sighed. "Because its always open. Don't ask me why. Just is."
"Okay, where are we going?" I asked, and he groaned.
"Somewhere. Kitten, please, just follow me and prepare yourself for a world of mystery, okay?"
"You're a ridiculous human being."
"I love you, too. Come on, up we go," he said positively, yanking my sorry ass up the stairs. I giggled and ran with him, trying to not get dizzy as we rounded the stairs. They went on for a long time, and I began counting floors. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13. 13 floors. The stairs were that grey rubber kind, and there was door on every floor, leading to god knows what. We just talked while we went up, getting lost in each others echoes. Austin was teaching me to not have standard expectations. I think I was teaching him to consider them. We went well together, the two of us.
On the 13th floor, I was entirely winded and my legs ached somewhat, so seeing him reach for that door handle was such a relief. His eyes flicked to mine, a twinkle in them. No words passed between us as he pushed the metal grey door open. Peering inside, I couldn't help but smile. It looked like an old office room, with about twenty scattered desks and chairs with them. A thick layer of dust covered everything, but the most prominent thing about the dingy room was this: the whole left wall, about 10 feet away from the desks, was all window. Someone, I'd saw, had put up a few twinkly lights above a blanket on the floor, but I gravitated towards the window wall.
The entire city was just there, staring me down from behind the glass. Some buildings were taller than me; many were not. I knew, being so high up, that I should've felt like a god. But looking out into the endless sea of buildings, lights, little stores, houses, huge government structures, sidewalks, and roads, I felt very small. In fact, they seemed to swallow me up. The midnight blue sky behind our city almost faded out, but I tipped my head back to look harder. The moon had come out to play, its crescent edge nipping at the clouds.
How strange I felt, in that moment, to be staring down the whole of all that I'd ever known, and feeling like it was bigger from up here. It had always seemed so small. My hands pressed against the chilled, clear glass, leaving white steam marks around them, and my handprint quite obvious. Forehead brushing the window, I just stared out the rolling ocean of bricks and metal and cement and tiny city lights.
"What are you thinking about?" his voice startled me from my place, and I slowly turned to look at him, shrugging.
"I dunno," I replied, and he smiled, joining me at the window. We both looked out.
"I know you better than that. What was it?"
Our hands clasped between us, and I felt my stomach lurch. "Just- I'm not sure. Looking out on everything- makes me feel so young and small."
"You are young. We both are," he replied. I didn't look at him, just out over the buildings and at the sky.
"Jason brought you here?" I asked, and he nodded slowly.
"You would've loved him. Before things got bad, I mean. You would've really loved him. He was so much cooler than me," Austin laughed, but the pain in his voice cracked my heart. I squeezed his hand tightly, rubbing our thumbs together. They fit so nicely. Like they were made to be intertwined. How cliché.
"Why did you bring me here?" I whispered.
"I don't- really know. I was feeling nostalgic. And I know how you like weird things like this. I was hoping you'd think something of it," he said, looking down at me. "What do you think?"
"I think- I like it. It's like looking at the same thing your whole life, and then- suddenly there's a different view. You- you make me think." I meant what I said right then. Our eyes drifted back to the city for a moment, before he stood behind me, wrapping his arms around my hips. I knew my bag was probably pressing into his stomach, which reminded me of my camera. I wanted to document this, too.
"Hang on." I pushed him away and grabbed my camera out of my bag. Austin grinned, sitting down crossed legged and watching me. I snapped a photo of the window, capturing all the light coming from the city, and the dark sky. It was a great picture, the contrast levels perfect. Capturing Austin in the focus, he saw me and looked at the camera, grinning. Pressing the button, I snapped the second picture. It was perfect. He looked so perfect, hands in front of his jean-clad folded legs, hair tousled and spilling out of his beanie perfectly, smile bright and real. It was, among many other things, a good picture. After setting my stuff down, I crawled onto the blanket and looked at the little place.
"Did you set this up?" I asked, and he shook his head.
"Nope. I guess other people come here. At least one other person," he said, crawling next to me and lying on his back. That part really surprised me. It seemed so Austin: a comfy spot and some lights. I wondered who else came here, and who's blanket we were sitting on. Should we even have been using their stuff? But maybe that's why they left it there. A nice place for other people to sit. The lights weren't plugged in, but I wondered briefly if they worked.
"One second," I mumbled, reaching over and pressing the plug into the outlet. Little yellow lights began glowing so softly above our heads, to my delight and surprise. I hadn't really expected them to be in working condition. Laying next to him, I smiled and cuddled into his side, feeling him wrap his warm arms around me.
"I almost forgot how much I loved this," he murmured. "Just, taking you places. Showing you things that I love. You always understand."
I grinned and climbed on top of him, pressing a kiss right on his lips. Even though I was a little tired, he was still irresistible, and I wanted his affection. Our lips met endlessly, tongues wrapping together softly and breathing ragged. His hands held tight on my hips, taking all my breath away. I loved kissing Austin. I loved the way he touched me, and how perfect our lips were together. I loved every inch of him. I didn't wanna start anything here, but I just needed to feel him against me.
Our legs tangled, arms wrapped around each other and mouths attached completely. The way he sucked on my bottom lip, oh, god. His hands traveled up and down my back, very deliberately caressing my ass. He cupped my right cheek, a sly grin pulling through this kiss.
"N-no," I chuckled, pushing his hand away. "This place looks kinda dirty." He shrugged.
"So?"
"Uh, ew. No thank you." His eyes twinkled with amusement, and he kissed my nose.
"Fair enough," he said, lips trailing back up to mine and kissing me lovingly. "I think that I like driving almost as much as the actual places that we go," he said randomly. "Like, I just love driving. I love cars and, I don't know- something about it really calms me down."
"You look- really beautiful when you drive."
He snickered at me. "Idiot," he muttered, laughing to himself. His frame shook slightly beneath my body, and I indignantly frowned.
"Seriously. I-I mean- I don't know. You seem like you're in your element when you drive. You hold the wheel like you're holding a little universe in your hands." Knowing I'd dug myself deeper into that one, I rolled off into my back and groaned in frustration, covering my cherry red face. God damn him. Austin laid on his side next to me, rubbing my hip softly with his right hand, keeping my body close to him.
"And do I hold you like that, too?" he whispered. I looked up at him, my head laying on the ground. He leaned over me, biting his lip in some mix of humor and enchantment.
"Uh-" I had no idea what to say. Why did have to be so intense? Why couldn't he just say normal things? Almost everything that spouted from his mouth was romantic insanity and beautiful nonsense.
"Yeah," I mumbled, voice scratchy and lips shaking a little. He smirked, dipping his chin towards mine and pressing a kiss to my lips. Austin did hold me like that, I'd supposed. Not once had it crossed my mind, that he held me like he held the steering wheel of his car. With some sort of care, and comfort. He was comfortable around me; he knew who he was when we were together. That- I loved.
He held me like something he didn't have to pretend in front of. Someone he didn't have to lie to.
That was important.
For another hour or two, we curled up together under the pastel lights, our bodies intertwined and facing the window. And we talked. Austin made me laugh so hard sometimes, I just knew I'd be reeling once he left my arms. But still we laid, cracking stupid jokes and letting our minds and eyes wander the plain universe. Even when there was nothing to say, he would just hold my back to his chest, nestle his cheek into my hair, and breathe. I pretended that we were in a house- our house. 5 years from then, and looking out our bedroom window. I pretended that he had just come home from work, and that we'd made love. I pretended he would tell me about his day there, and how he'd missed me, and that his job was challenging but he enjoyed it. And we'd listen to Man Overboard and look at pictures from a little shoebox under the bed labelled 'our first summer, 2014'. It made me feel relaxed to think about all those things. So good, and at ease. Nothing would go wrong.
"Hey, it's getting close to 4," he said quietly. "I think I should take you home."
"I'm not even tired yet," I protested. It was almost a lie. My eyelids were drooping, but my mind felt active in the dark morning light.
"Still. I'd feel safer if I got you home soon. We can sit in the driveway a bit, but let's go." He had a point. It was a lot safer to be as close to home as possible. In case anyone found out I wasn't in bed. He could drive away quickly, and I'd come inside and claim I was out for a walk, or needed some air. Even if I could be in trouble for leaving the house in the middle of the night, it's no where near the amount of trouble I'd be in if they knew I'd actually gone somewhere other than a walk around the street.
"Alright," I complied, rolling off the blanket and sitting up. He sat up, cracking his back and sighing. We were both really comfy and warm; I don't think either of us wanted to leave. Slowly, I ambled up and walked over to my bag, picking it up. He stood up too, and walked to the window, looking out quietly. Our little place looked so picturesque, the blanket rumpled and lights shining softly. Without much thought, I pulled my camera out and snapped a photograph of it, capturing the sleepy pastels and glow. I wouldn't forget tonight.
"Alright," he yawned, lazily taking my hand and trotting out the door. Before we left, I pulled the plug from the outlet. Maybe someone else would come up here and want to use the lights. In the name of potential love, I unplugged them.
•••
After a 30 or so minute drive of pop punk, rolled down windows, and feeling the wind in our hair, I was back in my driveway. Things, I felt, were getting kinda serious with Austin. It was...a strange feeling. Like, excitement, but nerves. We had to keep this going.
"You wanna hang in here for a little?" he asked, sitting in his car, parked at the end of my driveway. I nodded yes, and he rolled the windows down and turned the car off. We sat for a moment, breathing in the air, feeling sweat gather on the backs of our legs where skin met the fabric of the car seats, and on our necks. Summer was like that- sweat, and rain, and the smell of old records and photographs. It was dark, but his silhouette was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
"I wish it could always be like this," he said, enveloping my hand in his own.
"I mean- real life isn't really like this. It's summer. But, you know, there'll be other summers. We can sneak off during the school year whenever you want." He looked away from my eyes, but nodded slowly.
"School is stupid. Lets just run away."
"No way," I chuckled. "We can make it. Just- I dunno, don't be so negative about it. School will be okay." He sighed, looking somewhat sad and disgruntled.
"Can you just- be the big spoon for a little?" he asked, letting go of my hand and climbing into the backseat. I chuckled.
"Sure. Weirdo." I tumbled into the back after him, landing on his lap and giggling contagiously. We both snickered as he untangled his legs from mine, allowing me to lay down on my side. Awkwardly, he laid in front of me, letting his legs to take up most of the seat, and mine to rest on top. It's really hard to describe our position, because it was like being tangled together, too close to imagine. But his strong shoulder blades were against my chest. I had to shimmy upward so I'd be far enough to rest my chin in his hair. He pulled my arms around so I was hugging him tightly, and pressing little kisses to his neck. I loved laying like this, although we barely did it. I loved holding him, comforting him, being the dominant one for a little while. It was perfect.
"I love you, Ashby," he whispered with a little melody in his voice, snuggling back farther and practically pinning me to the seat. I didn't care. It felt amazing to be so close. I held him tighter, rubbing my hands along his chest and comforting him in any way I could. I knew he needed love like this. Austin couldn't always be the strong one. Everyone needed to be babied a little now and then.
"I love you, too," I whispered, kissing below his ear.
"If you turn me on, I swear to god-" he groaned.
"Sorry," I laughed, rubbing my nose against his neck. We were so...okay. Okay with ourselves, okay with each other, okay with being weird together and not caring. For half an hour longer, we cuddled in the back seat, waiting for the sun to begun rising. As soon as it did, we said our goodbyes with lingering kisses and whispered promises. I stumbled back into my room, very quietly, and hid my pictures in the box. It had been a very good evening, I'd decided. Slowly, after going over every detail of the night, I fell asleep.