By the time I reached the hospital, Kolleen was sleeping. They'd cleaned her head where she'd been hit. It didn't look like it had been shaved, so I let out a sigh of relief. If she didn't need stitches then it wasn't too bad. I sat in a chair by her bed, relieved.
The whole ride over, I'd racked my brain for what I should say. I wanted to ask her who did this to her, but I already knew who it was. There was only one person who'd target us like this. I felt guilty, even though I knew she wouldn't blame me for it. But it was still my fault. I was the one he was really after – she was just collateral damage.
I rubbed my face. Part of me wanted her to wake up while I was gone, and part of me hoped she'd wake up while I was here so I'd be forced to get the hardest part out of the way. I knew that, either way, I'd still have to say I was sorry. Sorry for getting mad at her and sorry for this happening. Sorry for everything.
"Jes?"
My hands dropped from my face and I met Kolleen's eyes. "You're awake."
She moaned and reached for her head. "Yeah. They said I'm fine and to rest. There's no bleeding, so I guess he didn't hit me as bad as I thought he did."
"Who hit you?"
She smiled at me. "There was a really nice officer here a little while ago that asked me the same thing. I told him – I'm not entirely sure. I never saw his face."
"What do you mean?"
"I was asleep on the couch. I didn't hear the window open. The next thing I knew I woke up to a door opening. I said your name as I was sitting up. I remember I was rubbing my eyes, and the next thing I knew you were there and I was on the floor. Was anything taken from our place?"
I shook my head. "I know it was Josh. Your room was untouched, but mine had been ransacked. I told the police nothing was taken, but he took something he gave me. I didn't want it, anyway."
Kolleen watched me with one eye, obviously sleepy. "You okay with that?"
I nodded. "Kolleen, I'm sorry," I blurted out.
Her brow furrowed. "Sorry about what?"
I shook my head. "A lot of things. I'm sorry I got mad at you yesterday. You were just trying to help me out. And I'm sorry this happened to you. It's all my fault."
She raised an eyebrow. "So you broke into your own apartment? Weirdo."
I looked at her, confused. "What?"
"Only apologize for what happened if you actually did it. This wasn't your fault. You didn't hit me over the head."
"I might as well have. It's my fault for not getting away from Josh sooner. He probably followed me home the other day, too."
She reached out her hand. I was sitting too far away, so I slid the chair closer. She pat my shoulder. "Jes, I want you to understand something, okay? I know you were scared of him. I get it. You didn't want people to know what was happening, and I get that too. You're my best friend, so you should know that I tend to go overboard when things involve people I care about. Don't just stop talking to me. Hit me on the arm and tell me to stop. That's what my mom always did, anyway. Okay? As for this being your fault, I want you to understand I don't see it that way at all."
"But it is!"
She shook her head. "I only fault people when their actions affect me directly. Like Josh hitting me over the head with something. I can only fault him. He decided to do that. He may have followed you home, but he was really after you, right? I happened to be there instead. I'm just glad it wasn't you he hit. He's done more than enough of that."
A nurse came in and Kolleen dropped her hand. While she had a brief checkup, I thought about her words. She was basically admitting that she was collateral damage. I didn't expect her to be upset or to blame me, but I really felt like she should.
---
I stretched my aching muscles. I'd forgot how much it hurt to sleep in a hospital chair. The last time I'd done this was the time Josh had appendicitis in our senior year of high school. Now, at 20, I could say it hurt worse. Maybe I was already starting to get old or something. I cracked my neck and sighed. That was better, but it still hurt.
"Are you done being cereal over there?"
I looked over at the voice. Kolleen was sitting on the side of her bed, finishing up getting dressed. "What are you talking about? And why are you dressed? I thought you couldn't leave until this afternoon."
She rolled her eyes. "Rice Krispies cereal makes the same noises your bones are making. Also, it is the afternoon."
I rubbed my eyes. "How long have I been asleep, then?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. You were asleep when they got me up this morning. You were awake every time they woke me up last night, though, so I know you had to have been tired. I decided to let you sleep until it was time to go, so I was about to wake you up, anyway."
I moaned as I realized how much my back was hurting, too. I stretched that and it made several popping noises. I giggled when Kolleen rolled her eyes at me. "Sorry, I'll stop now." I stood up and stretched again for good measure. Feeling much better, I pulled out the car keys. "Are you free to go now?"
"Think so."
After a while, when we finally got home, I barely made it to my bed before I collapsed. I never knew I could feel this tired. I'd been up all night, and then only slept a few hours. It felt like I immediately fell into a dreamless sleep.
Maybe that was why neither of us heard the window opening that night. Maybe that's why I didn't hear the creak of my door when it opened. Maybe that was why I didn't fully process someone stroking my face at first.
Someone's fingers combed through my hair. I thought that was weird as I took a deep breath. My eyes opened a little bit and I saw a man sitting on my bed. A man? Did Sara's boyfriend come over again? Why is he-
My eyes opened wider and Josh grinned at me. "Hello, stranger," he said. His hand grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. "Long time no see."
"Liar," I rasped. "You were following me the other day."
"So you did notice." He stood and pulled me up onto my knees by my hair. "That means you don't want to see me anymore, doesn't it? You know what? Guess that means you don't love me, either."
I reached out behind him and grabbed the hair near the nape of his neck and pulled. His teeth gritted and his grip on my hair loosened. "I haven't been in love with you for a long time."
His eyes were wide by this point. I was terrified. "You don't mean that," he said, almost pleading with his tone.
"Oh, I do." I glared at him for a moment. "Kolleen!" I screamed.
"Shut up!" Josh shouted at me, punching me in the ribs. I released his hair and he tightened his grip on mine.
My door never opened. Was she still asleep? Did she even hear me? Josh pulled his fist back again and landed another punch on my ribs. I knew he was about to pull me off the bed, so I closed my eyes so I could brace myself.
As I felt him pulling, I heard my door bang open. "Let her go," Kolleen said, phone pressed to her ear. "I mean it, Josh."
I'm not sure why, but when she opened the door, something in me snapped. Maybe it was knowing she was on the phone with the police. Maybe it was knowing I was about to be free of Josh. But I knew I couldn't be passive this time. I was finally free. I didn't want to give up my freedom.
The only problem was that I didn't know how to fight back.
When he pulled my hair, I grabbed his wrist. He was stronger than me by a lot, so I ended up getting drug off the bed, anyway. I didn't make a sound, but I kicked the back of his knee the moment I got my balance. He went down and took me with him, grip on my hair even tighter. That time I did groan, hoping he wasn't ripping any out.
It was gradual, but my room began to be bathed in light.
He climbed on top of me and pinned me, oblivious. "Stop it," he growled.
I stopped fighting, bracing myself for the hit I knew was coming. When his fist landed, it stunned me, the sharp pain hijacking all other thoughts. I turned my head, trying to keep him from hitting the same spot a second time, but the punch never landed. I cracked an eye open and found him fighting another man, this one in a police uniform.
Scared, I scrambled backwards to the wall.
"Help me, Jessie!" Josh shouted. "Tell him to let me go!" I closed my mouth and shook my head. "If you love me, you'll help me!"
"I hate you," I hissed. The words, no matter how true they were and no matter how long they had been in my head, felt like I stabbed my own self by giving voice to and finally acknowledging them.
The shock of it made Josh stop fighting. That brief moment let the officer have a chance to finally wrestle Josh to the ground. I watched as the handcuffs went on. Once he was being jerked to his feet, I closed my eyes and covered my ears, trying to not see those eyes full of betrayal and hear the words and threats he was shouting at me.
Someone gently touched my wrists and pulled my hands away from my ears. I started to fight but then a gentle voice said, "No, no, it's okay. He's gone now." I opened my eyes and saw the officer that had come the day before. Officer Williams. "It's okay now. Are you okay?"
Without even thinking, I dropped my hands and hugged him so tight that later on I wondered if maybe I had bruised his ribs. I cried on his shirt, not aware of his arms wrapping around me, holding me to him. The only thing I was conscious of was the emotional pain that was crashing down on me. Something about him was comforting, and that was why I latched onto him.