[Recap- Jane visits Austin's house and there is something which is troubling her. The family picture.]
Austin's arms felt like a place where I could rejoice, where I could feel a million emotions running around me, tickling my heart making it harder for me to stay calm. Breathe in. Breathe out. While I was locked in his arms, my hands were intertwined around him. The way to someone's terrace had never felt so beautiful. Also, it was the only time where I felt happy about being paralysed. (What would I not give to feel that again?)
When you want the time to last, it passes like the breeze blowing past you. You can never hold it. He held me at the gates, paused for a second as if he was afraid or shy about something, and before that second could blow past me like air, I kissed him. Lips. Millisecond. He kissed me back. Lips. Millisecond. And we chuckled.
The stars were all around us as if we were not on the earth, but in the space. Ironically, there was no space between us. There were hints of cloud around some stars and amidst it was the moon. Bright. Brightest maybe. It was glistening. It was beautiful. One of the most beautiful I had ever seen, but besides me there was something equally interesting and beautiful
Accompanying me was also an enigma which was worrying and nudging me constantly. The family picture.
While we sat on the blanket, holding hands and my head was on his shoulders, he narrated me the stories from his school. How he never was a part of the school's football team because the captain of the team thought Austin would get all the attention, how famous he was at school for playing guitar and a lot of other things.
"A lot of girls have asked me out, but I have never felt the urge in me to know someone until I saw you."
"But.. how could you love someone like me?"
"I have told that to you, but anyways, I think you never look for love. Love looks for you, Jane Brown," Austin said, staring at the moonlit sky.
And, I couldn't help, but wonder how did I get a guy who is the best. Who sings. Who writes. Who makes me laugh. Who is philosophical. Who is.. hot. And the most importantly, who loves me from the core of his heart. It was too good to be true for a girl who was paralysed, but indeed it was true. And my brain had drawn the conclusion.
Maybe, it was because I had been through too much pain and it was universe's way balancing. Either way, I was happy. It felt like someone had brought the world into my room and it also felt like my word was just beside me, caressing me.
"I mean, isn't it demeaning for people to be friends with someone who isn't 'normal'? I mean.. you always you knew I couldn't walk."
"Do you really think I care?"
"I don't know."
"You don't notice things about yourself. There is so much more to you from my perspective than just a girl who is paralysed. There's this side of you, which is kind. Do you think I never realised why you tried to push me away? After I got to know you more, I knew you were afraid for me.. For yourself.. I knew you never wanted anyone else to be at Jamie's place. You simply blamed yourself when it wasn't even your fault, and I knew you were protecting me, even though we barely knew each other. And yeah, you are not normal, but I didn't want someone normal. I wanted someone special, and you are just that. Do you know what quality I value the most?"
I processed those words as I found myself falling more deeply in the abyss of love. I thought for a while before murmuring, "Empathy?"
"Loyalty. I know you love me a lot, but I also have made peace with you loving Jaime. You have always been loyal to me, and I also know you will always be loyal to me. And the best of all, you are loyal to Susan. Do you ever realise how you were ready to give up someone who was growing flowers on your barren heart for her? You never let us be together until you made sure that Susan was okay with it. And do you ever realise how beautiful you are just being yourself? I value the inside more than the outside, but damn, you are beautiful inside out. I love you, and I know I don't need to say it every time."
I took my time to process everything, to process the happiness which accompanied the words, to realize how special it made me feel. I tried to arrange my words and say something special, but I was not Austin. He was different. He was the best.
"That was one hell of a pep talk."
From the look of his face, I knew he expected something better, but he still plastered a smile on his face.
"I love you," I finally said, hoping it would make him feel better. And it did, at least I thought so. The smile on his face wasn't plastered. It was Austinesque.
"I am going to give a pre event performance in two days? Would you like to come?"
"Oh, I would love to." And he told me the needful.
"What is troubling you?" he said after a short spell of silence.
"Sorry?" Perplexed.
"There is something troubling you."
"How do you know?"
"It is so obvious. You are drifting off to somewhere else. It is like we aren't in our utopia."
"I don't know," I said, fiddling with a small stone beside me, "if you will appreciate me asking it."
He didn't speak for a minute. The silence was deafening me. He was looking down. Right into the eyes of the floor. "The family picture?" He took out his phone and navigated throughhis phone to find the picture. "Which of the two do you think I am?" He said, pointing towards the twins in the picture.
It was hard to point it out. There were no hints except their clothes. I wondered if it was some editing or did he actually have a twin? And if he had, why did he never mention him, and where was he? A million questions surged into my brain. My mind drifted off to thinking if he had the same fate as Jaime..
"No," Austin said, "he didn't die."
How did he know what I was thinking?
"So he is your twin? What is his name?"
My inquisitive self began making an appearance.
"Steve. Steve Smith."
"Where is he and why have you never told me about him?"
"It's a long story," he sighed, looked into my eyes and then looked away. I put my hands around his shoulder and pulled him close to me. It felt better that way. He looked into my eyes again and the finite space between us reminded me about how our connection was well and truly on its way to infinity. Even when the cool wind was blowing past us, I could feel the warmth of love rekindling. He said, "I needed the right time... and I just didn't have it... until now."
"I would love to listen if you don't mind."
"He is my twin obviously," he continued after a moment, "My parents... they never liked him.. I mean, they did love him, but they loved me more. And that's where the problem was..
We were 13 and I was the better son according to them. I was good in football, music, and academics. I was the perfect son resembling the image they had carved in their minds.. and he was kinda the opposite... not good in football... music or academics. He was on his computer for the whole day and they hated that even more. There came a point where they'd shout at him for everything, but they had all the love for me. I think he got jealous and rightly so. So, one day after they shouted at him, he fought back. I mean, argued and asked them to shift him to a boarding school in Manchester. You know, most of the things which seem to happen all of a sudden actually don't happen all of a sudden. Things add up to the heat, and at the end there is no other way for volcano other than to erupt.
And there he is. In Manchester. Long story short."
I shifted my gaze from the sky and looked into his eyes, which were searching for mine. "Did you love him?"
"Obviously," he looked at me as if I had asked a stupid question, "I couldn't be a good brother. I tried my best to calm him down. To make things better between us. To be his friend, but he never gave me a chance. I don't blame him for it, after all I was the one who snatched his parents away from him."
"It is not your fault." I tried to console him. I squeezed his hands. He wasn't looking at me, probably trying to hide his tears. "It is really not your fault, Austin. Have you ever shared this with anyone?"
He was unmoved for a brief moment. He flinched before taking my hand and bringing his eyes back to my face. He wasn't crying just yet, but it looked like it wasn't far away. It felt awful to see the sad state of him. He had a certain aura about himself. If he was happy, you had no other option but to be happy; but when you saw those curves on his face made by his lips, the unwanted ones, the ones bent downward, you couldn't help but feel sad. He opened his mouth to speak, but it seemed that his words refused to leave. "No," he finally said.
"You always told me not to blame myself for Jaime, Austin... but look at you, you are blaming yourself for being good at the things you do. Trust me on this, it is not your fault. Okay?"
He didn't reply.
"Let's give each other a promise," I said, "I will never blame myself for Jaime again, and you won't blame yourself for Steve."
"Promise?" I let my head to rest on his shoulders. I thought that maybe I had found my home in someone else.
"Promise." And the tears finally got a way from his eyes.
***
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