September 7th; 2012
Month and a Half Later
Taylor Swift's Point of View
Dear diary,
Another ultrasound was taken a couple days ago and we know the gender...kinda. We want to do a gender reveal party so only one person knows, Abigail. She ordered a cake that will be the color of the baby's sex. Blue=boy, pink=girl. The party is today and I'm very excited to see what will happen. I'm also excited for cake...I really like cake. I was hoping they could do the gender reveal inside of Twinkie's but Joe and I settled on a cake. Joe has been distant lately and I'm not sure why. It's like the more time passes, the more he wants to back out. I know him though, I know he would never leave. It seems like he's obligated to stay here though and I don't want to trap him.
In other news, Getaway Car somehow is more successful than Cruel Summer. It's passed Cruel Summer in views by millions. My fanbase keeps increasing and it makes me smile. Swifties like to post their life, their insecurities and what makes them happy. I do that type of thing with my songs I guess. Maybe we aren't too far apart.
Anyways, I can hear people coming inside the house so I should get going and eat cake.
-Taylor <3
I set the journal down and run down the stairs. My oversized dress dangles over my feet as only maternity clothes fit me now. The first thing I go over to see is the cake. I really want cake. There's M&M's that are blue and pink and other decorations that represent the gender. My personal favorite is the pink and blue candy. God I hate that I want food all the time. Joe walks over to me with a smile and kisses me on the cheek.
"Ah my beautiful, pregnant...friend. Are you excited?"
"Mhm. I want cake."
"You sound like Olivia."
"I mean, she is my daughter. Makes sense."
Joe chuckles with his hand on his forehead. "Well, what do you think of the party? Olivia helped me put it together."
"Ah so that's why there's blue and pink kitten drawings."
"She said she wanted to draw kitten decorations."
"She did I great job. I'm gonna have to frame a couple of them." I smile looking at the shitty kitten drawings. They don't look much like a cat at all but Liv drew them which makes them beautiful.
"Well, people are arriving. Do you want me to make sure they don't talk to you?"
"Nah it's fine. I'm feeling good today about social interaction." I laugh and walk over to the door where more people walk in. I greet every single person which begins to get exhausting. Since when did I know so many people? I hear the doorbell ring once again which makes me groan. How many more people are going to be here? I don't know anyone else I swear. I open the door and my smile fades away. Maybe I did know more people...people I forgot about. People I dismissed as I didn't want to be hurt anymore.
"Taylor?" This woman is evil and I wish she would die so I could be free from this pain.
"No...go. I don't need you and you sure as hell made that clear 6 years ago."
"Taylor, please."
"So, you kick me out and try and come back into my life when it's convenient for you?! I don't need you!" Everyone in the crowd just shuts up and looks at me having an outburst.
"I know you don't need-"
"Go before I kill you!" Maybe that was a little over the top but hormones, right? I see Andrea and Scott turn around and begin to walk away. I slam the door in response and run my hands through my hair.
"It's fine. I'm fine. Just go back to having fun." I yell to everyone and go to the bathroom to fix my fucked up hair. As I'm brushing my hair I see Joe appear behind me.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
"I'm fine. I want today to be a good day and a happy day so stop asking if I'm fine because I'm perfectly happy." God when will I stop with the anger?
"Come on, let's just go out and have some fun."
"Sounds great."
"That's the spirit." He takes my hand and both walk over to the kitchen able.
"Are we gonna cut the cake now?" I ask.
"Only if you want to."
"Uh, of course I do. I love cake." Everyone crowds around me as I take the knife to cut the cake. I slowly and very delicately cut the cake as this isn't your average cake. I pull a slice out and see that it's colored blue. I smile and hold the cake piece up.
"It's a boy!" I shout which becomes accompanied by cheering. I grin and Joe takes some of the frosting and wipes it on my nose.
"Boop." He says as he touches my nose with frosting. I attempt to lick the frosting off my nose but it doesn't go well as I don't have the longest tongue. Joe laughs and wipes the frosting off my nose with a napkin.
"We're having a boy. Now I have one of each!" I exclaim.
"We're having a boy." Joe nods and grins.
• • •
Everyone has left, Olivia is asleep and all that's left is Joe and I picking up the garbage from the party. Joe and I both walk around cleaning up. I place a red solo cup into a trash bag and bite my bottom lip.
"Joe?" My voice is slightly trembling as I'm in fear.
"Yeah? What is it?"
"I-I think we should move in together. Just temporarily until a few months after the baby is born."
"So like a year?"
"Yeah. What do you think?"
"No. I don't think it's a good idea."
"Why not? It will be so beneficial to the both of us and the baby."
"I just don't want to. Okay?"
"Why not though?"
"Just back off!" Joe snaps.
"Jeez, I just wanted to know."
"Do you want to know why I won't live with you?"
"I mean...yeah I've been asking."
"I love you. I love you so damn much! I knew I loved you the day I saw you in that store with Olivia. I stayed in Long Island, by the way, a boring and expensive place to live. I lived there just for you! When you said you wanted to be just friends, it broke my heart but I kept thinking, I'll convince her one day. One day she'll love me."
"Joe-"
"Then, I got you pregnant and I kept thinking, she's going to love me this time but you never did. I love you so much I would die to let you breathe. I love everything about you. Even when you're stuffing your mouth with Twinkie's and constantly watching Dateline, which is kinda scary by the way. I've seen you in such low places and when you're happy but I still loved you no matter what. Your daughter-Olivia knows I love you better than you do!"
"I knew you loved me. I've known for months but I didn't want to deal with it. I kept shoving it to the side and saying to myself that he doesn't love me." I respond with.
"And you just led me on for months and months?"
"I never led you on! I specifically told you that I don't love you like 700 times!"
"Taylor, just give me a chance. I'm worth your while and I'll do literally anything you want me to. What do you want me to do? Bow down every single time I see you and call you the queen? I will do that every single day." I've never seen more desperation and pain in someone's face except maybe my own.
"That's really not necessary."
"When I look at you, I stop thinking. When I let myself just be with you. I want you and it kills me every single day, every single second of the day. I love sleeping now because it gives me space to not think about you! I love you, I love every single detail about you. If we move in together all I know is it'll kill me more than it already does because I love you. I love you so much."
"Are you done?" I ask.
"Yeah, yeah. I think I've made my point." I walk up to him and put my hand on his chest lightly. I look up at him and sigh.
"I'm so sorry. I want to love you. I want to love you so badly and it kills me that I don't. I'm sorry. I look at you and feel nothing."
"I know. I know you feel nothing which is what kills me. Have you ever wanted something so badly that you thought you could get, that you begin to think if ever existed in the first place?"
"Like a dog chasing its own tail. There's nothing there, it's just going in circles."
"I don't know how to stop loving you."
"Mommy, why are you and Joe yelling?" Olivia is sitting on the bottom step with her knees close to her chest. I walk up to her and kneel.
"We were yelling because when we were cleaning up the room, we spilled something. We freaked out and started yelling." She'll never understand if I tell her the truth and even if she did understand, it would break her heart.
"Oh okay. Can I go back to bed now?"
"Yeah, of course." Olivia runs up the stairs and I hear her close the door to her room.
"What are we going to do?" Joe asks.
"I just-I don't know. You're not going to run, right?"
"Never. I'm not a douche."
"Okay. Thank you."
"Are we just going to pretend nothing happened?"
"What else are we supposed to do?" I ask.
"It never happened then."
"It never happened." I shake his hand and walk away. God today has been a real rollercoaster.
——————————
Author's Note:
Joe admitted his feelings 😭 It had to have happened eventually 🤷♀️
I'm gonna be inactive for a bit until I fix my life a tad. Here's my like temporary goodbye bois.
Word count: 1,708