"Jonathan?" I said, quietly, so as not to wake anyone in the bus who was asleep.
His eyes popped open and he turned his head slightly towards me as he smiled cheekily, "Done pretending to be asleep?" he teased.
I would normally have rolled my eyes, but I was feeling too serious, "I was thinking."
Jonathan's smile turned into a serious and thoughtful look when I did not tease him back, "Yeah? What about?"
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, "About God."
Jonathan's eyebrows went up, but he did not say anything, merely nodding.
"I haven't ever told you this about myself, but I rarely dream."
Jonathan quirked his eyebrow in question, and when I continued pausing, said, "Okay...?"
I looked down, thinking intently, "Four times in my life I've had a dream. Only four. The two first times, what happened in the dream happened a few days later exactly as I had seen them. The third time I had a dream happened right before," I gulped, "the tragedy in my family."
Jonathan's eyes were wide again, and he nodded for me to continue, face full of interest.
"That time the dream was not literal. But it seems that some things were signaled in it, or it was more of an allegory, or something. Not everything in it has happened yet."
When Owyn muttered and changed positions, I looked up, then back at Jonathan, "The fourth time was last night."
Jonathan's eyes snapped to attention at this, and he sat forward in his seat, "And what was the dream?"
I took a deep breath, "It was the same as the one before I wa--the tragedy in my family, except for when I saw myself this time I was a lot older," I paused, "But at the end, I saw one more thing. Something that was not in the third dream."
Jonathan nodded gripping his knees with his hands, "Yeah, what was it?"
I closed my eyes so that I could re-see it, "I was suddenly in a very white place. All I could see is complete white. So white that after a few seconds I had to close my eyes--they were smarting."
Jonathan nodded.
"Then I heard a voice," my throat tightened as I replayed the scene in my mind, "It said, 'It will come true. I always keep my promises. Always. You can trust me.' Then I woke up. The first thing that came into my head was the verse from the Bible you had told me to read last night." I took a deep breath, "You know I've been thinking about God the last few weeks. But I can't seem to get to the place where I am ready to trust him, or forgive the people who caused me pain. But in the dream, well, it seemed like God was trying to tell me something." I humphed, "So I don't know what to do know."
"Is that it?" Jonathan asked, his face looking quite funny, filled with incredulity.
I looked up at him, confused, "Uh, yeah?"
He smiled slightly, "That's easy, Alex. God was telling you something. That you can really trust him. That he is in control. That he was with you even in the hard times. That he wont let you down. He just wants you to be with him. Because if you don't put everything in his hands, you have not given him permission to help you or change situations or circumstances around you." He paused and thought again, "And it seems that he was telling you that whatever happened in that dream will come true sometime in the future, if that means anything to you."
I nodded slowly, yes, but I had already come to these conclusions before asking Jonathan. I realized now that the only thing I was struggling with is what I would do with it. I was about to say something, but Jonathan got to it first, "Now all you have to do is decide how you are going to respond to that."
He turned even more towards me and gripped my shoulder, "It seems like God made things really clear, Alex. And you know about him already, if I understood correctly, so you know what it means when you follow him. Now all you have to decide is whether you are ready to let go of control, forgive, and take that risk of trusting yourself and your situations into his hands again. And yes, that means that you will have to make choices to follow him, but even more it means that you will be open to receive his love, peace, and help in all situations. He will truly make everything better. All you have to do is decide."
I nodded slowly, turning my eyes to the quickly moving landscape again. Was I ready to do that again? I felt something break inside me and I started fighting tears, "I know that. But I don't know if I am ready, Jonathan," my voice broke and two tears leaked out of my eyes, "You don't know everything that happened, Jonathan. It was--it was terrible."
I looked into his face and clenched my fists, "Terrible, Jonathan! How can I just let go? I know that God," I choked on my tears and then coughed into my arm, "That he says he cares, but it's hard! How can I forget that, Jonathan? How could I--" I stopped, unable to say any more as tears ran down my cheeks.
Jonathan gripped my shoulder again, harder, "I'm sorry, Alex. I'm sure I have no idea what it felt like." He paused as his voice became gruff, "But I know Jesus does, Alex. And he wants to help you. You don't even have to feel it at the beginning, but you will."
I nodded and wiped my face with the hankie that all the soldiers were required to have in their pocket. "I have noticed more peace these days, especially when I talk to you or Owyn about God, or am reading the Bible. But, I don't know. I guess I'm just scared." I laughed weakly as I looked down.
"Alex," Jonathan said. When I did not look up, he said it again, "Alex, look at me."
I looked up at him, feeling miserable and broken.
"That is probably one of the bravest things I have ever heard."
I shrugged as a little bit of warmth wrapped around my heart.
"You are willing to admit that you are afraid. All you need to do is surrender your control. Then it will not longer be in your hands to make sure everything goes okay. And even if it doesn't go right, you can know that God is working on it for the good. He showed you that he is there. You just have to surrender your fear to God and trust him."
I nodded, "I suppose..."
Jonathan just gazed at me with the most earnest look I had ever seen. "So are you ready to let go, Alex? Are you ready to let God hold things in his hands, instead of you having to hold it in yours? Are you ready to trust him again? To be his?"
My shoulders slumped. I knew I could not bear it on my own much longer. The pain, bitterness, and anger was too hard to bear. It is true that many times I wanted to let go of them and give them to someone else to bear. I just needed to take the step. Just needed to allow myself to trust again. Allow myself to believe. I shut my eyes. Could I? Should I? I took a deep breath. I needed freedom and peace again. I needed joy. And there was only one place I knew for sure I could get it.
I opened my eyes suddenly and looked at Jonathan, "What do I need to do?"
Jonathan's eyes lit up as he let out an excited breath, "Wait, you are going to? You are choosing to follo--"
I rolled my eyes for real this time as a small smile crossed my troubled face, "Yes, I am. So...?"
"Well, this is amazing!" Jonathan exclaimed. I quickly shushed him, reminding him of all the people in the van who were sleeping. Including Owyn. I was about to say something else when his surprise went back down and his brain came back into function. "Oh, yeah. Sorry." He chuckled, "Just excited."
I nodded and his face went back into a thoughtful and intend expression. "All you need to do is pray, and choose."
I nodded again, pretty aware of that because of my childhood at church, but I just needed him to lead.
"But, before we do, would you be okay if we woke Owyn up and he could be part of this too? He's wanted to see this as much as I have."
I nodded for the third time, suddenly feeling quite shy and ashamed. Did I even deserve this? Jonathan woke Owyn up and after getting him to stop grumbling about being woken up, quickly explained everything that had happened to him. When Owyn looked back up at me, he had a strange glint in his eye, as if he had known this was coming, and was wearing the same small grin as Jonathan.
"Well, are you ready?" he asked.
So I chose. And we prayed.