When I blinked through the darkness of predawn I could feel him all over me, I know in reality it was Olivia but thanks to the realness of my nightmares my mind thought it was him. Being away from her all week tore me apart, I got into so many fights, done so many things I regret and I haven't slept properly in days thanks to the nightmares. Relying on drugs to keep me afloat because the girls don't work and the fights only calm me for a few hours when I'm overwhelmed by the guilt instead of the pain. It made perfect sense to me that the second I got drunk out of my mind she was the first person I wanted to be around.
"You have to let me in or let me go."
Her words from last night came back to haunt me. I feel ill. Mentally and physically. Trapped and I can't breathe. Maybe it wouldn't feel as bad to let her in. I wouldn't need to tell her everything, just enough to stop the questions. She muttered something intelligible under her breath and then rolled over to face away from me.
I slipped out from under the covers, cursing myself for taking my clothes off in front of her, again. Quickly dressing and escaping the room before she woke up and caught me. I needed to go home and shower off his presence, I'll deal with Olivia later.
***
I hovered outside the Psychology classroom debating on going inside as the nerves pummelled the inside of my chest, not knowing what questions she was going to ask and how much I would have to reveal of myself in a room filled with nosey kids. Taking a deep breath I let my bravery shine through as I pushed the door open.
"Nice of you to join us Mr Maines." Mr Hibbert said sarcastically.
"I know." I replied just as sarcastic.
"Liam!"
Some of the girls waved me over to their table so I willingly went, wanting to make myself look busy for when she walked in.
"Sup?" I asked them, leaning down on their desk. They were so giddy around me, it made my eyes roll.
"Heard you've not been with many girls recently, not like you. What's up with that?" One of them said as she flicked her hair behind her.
Jeeze, what is with everyone asking personal questions and why are people talking about my sex life like it's their business?
"I've been with plenty, I'm just done with girls at this school." I lied.
"Everyone take your seats." Mr Hibbert shouted.
She was already sitting in her usual seat, looking casual and carefree, a contrast to what I was feeling. She was dressed in light blue jeans that had rips in the front that hinted at her smooth, tanned legs underneath. A blush pink oversized jumper that hung low over her shoulder and her golden curls feathered around her face delicately.
I threw my earphone in and hit play on my music, not looking at her in the hopes she wouldn't ask me questions because now that I was here I was bottling out.
"I want you all to take three pieces of paper. Write down two facts about yourself and one secret. Don't put your name on them and don't let your partners see them. Once you've wrote three things down bring them to the front. We'll shuffle them about a bit and then you're welcome to come to the front and guess which one was written by your partner. Lets see how well we know each other."
I reached out to grab the paper at the same time of her and our hands awkwardly clashed, it was the first contact I had since being next to her in the bed and I didn't hate it. I backed my hand away offering her to take the first one. She complied.
This was my chance to 'let her in' without having to talk about anything too deep and I was definitely going to take it. I grabbed my paper and pen ready to grasp this task with both hands.
Fact One: I've never felt happy.
Fact Two: I'm falling for someone I can't have and it's scary.
Secret: I wish I wasn't so damaged.
I stood up and placed the papers down on the table at the front, I hovered for a second plucking up enough courage to leave them there.
She won't get them right anyway.
Mr Hibbert called up the right side first, which meant Olivia. I watched her as her eye fluttered over all of the words wrote on the table. She looked like she struggled to determine which ones belonged to me and that made me smile because letting her in was hard.
Then it was my turn to pick, I got the easier task because the class had lightened the load. I floated over the words but in all honesty I knew which ones were hers without even reading them because I studied that stupid note she gave me with her number on. I could spot her beautifully neat, italic handwriting anywhere. I didn't read what she wrote I just collected her paper and returned to my seat feeling smug about my choice.
"Okay, now one by one you should show your partners which paper you retrieved. You can admit it or not, it's completely up to you."
I turned to face Olivia, met with two vibrant green emeralds that sparkled intensely with built up curiosity. I was curious too, I wanted to know what she had written on her paper and part of me wanted to see if she got mine correct. I was scared, there was no doubting it but I needed to do this for me and for her.
I decided to go first, reading the words as I turned over each piece of paper to reveal her truth.
'Strawberries give me hives.'
'I still have the friendship bracelet my first crush made me.'
'Loneliness consumes my world.'
On the last one her face dropped and my eye softened with sympathy. She once told me her parents were never home but I didn't think it was as bad as this. They always looked so happy but maybe we have even more in common than I once thought because in a way loneliness consumes my world as well, except it's all I've ever known. She didn't admit it but she didn't need to, her face said everything. She took a deep breath and flipped over the first piece of paper.
'I've never felt happy.'
My whole body tensed when I read back the words, feeling physically sick inside like I was about to vomit at any given moment. The air became thick with tension as I battled with the darkness clawing at the back of my throat. Her eyes softened, dipping in vibrance as she looked at me with a sorry expression. I breathed deeply to keep the attack of panic at bay.
"Maybe we shouldn't -" She whispered timidly.
I grabbed her arm and nodded, urging her to continue and not give me options to back out because I would take them and run a mile in the opposite direction. "Go on." I said through a raspy voice that betrayed my confidence. She closed her eyes as she turned over the next piece.
'I wish I wasn't so damaged.'
I felt like my heart was beating inside my mouth, I could hear it loud and clear echoing around my head and the sound was overwhelming the noise of the room. My hands trembled and grabbed them tightly together under the table so she wouldn't see. But I was defenceless against her eyes they looked right at me and she could see everything.
"Last one." My voice was a pathetic mess of inaudible words as I urged her to get this torture over. I inhaled sharply, preparing myself for the impact of my last one and the longer she took to show me my words the more the worry and tension built, fighting to explode.
I kept my eyes focused on hers although I knew she had already flipped the paper. It took all of my courage to drag my eyes down and look at it. At first the words didn't make sense, like random letter floating together against a white background. I blinked at the sentence for a few moments and then looked up to face Olivia.
"I have a really small penis." I regretted saying those words as soon as they left my mouth.
Olivia automatically burst out into a uncontrollable laughter that made me float on cloud nine as a wide smile spread across my lips and all the tension from moments ago disappeared.
"That one is definitely not true" I said through my laughter.
I loved hearing her laughter and seeing her happy. I loved how easy the heavy moment had passed between us and things now felt normal. I felt this was my chance to apologize.
"Hey, I'm sorry about last night. I know I woke up in you bed, I know I sent you a stream of text messages in the middle of the night but I can't remember actually being there. I hope I didn't say anything inappropriate I can be quite flirty when I'm drunk."
"You don't remember it?"
"No." I half lied, because I don't actually remember getting there, just being in her bed.
"You told me all of your secrets."
Shit. What did I tell her?
"Relax would you, I'm just messing. Getting information out of you is like getting blood from a stone, even when you're drunk. Would it really be that bad if I knew your secrets?"
"Yes."
The school bell rung out around the walls interrupting our conversation and I quickly stood up, grabbing my bag and making big efforts to escape wherever this conversation was heading.
"Saved by the bell." She said with a smile.