Our water had been cut off for the past twenty four hours because nobody paid the bill, this morning I couldn't shower of the filth of my nightmares and I've been carrying that around with me all day. I clawed at my skin trying remove it but it didn't work. His face was there whenever I closed my eyes. His cologne was there whenever I inhaled. His voice was in my head telling me to do these things I didn't want to do.
She was my only saving grace and I refused to speak to her because I didn't want to appear weak. She was exposing too much. But today after school I almost caved as we came eye to eye and her expression was filled with a sadness that I know I caused. I didn't want her to carry hurt around with her and feeling it eating her alive. I know how that feels. But I kept strong because she's better off without me and I'm safer without her.
I rested my forehead against the perspex information desk window, feeling the coolness against my skin and zoning my ears into the familiar sounds of slot machines and tacky tunes. Anything to busy my mind. The doors opened which was unusual because the regulars had been here all day, situated at the same slot machines but when I looked up I was met with a sickening sight.
There she was holding hands with some tall basketball player from our school who was smiling widely thanks to the trophy on his arm. She held a giant teddy bear that I'm guessing he won for her in some cliché way. She had brought him here just to taunt me. I felt my heart jump into my mouth and anger pump through my veins, I wanted to rip his throat out.
She neared the information desk and my mind fleeted between jealousy, rage and hurt. She brought him here just to flaunt him in front of my face. That's a dick move. Her eyes searched mine but I let the ice glaze them over, not giving her the satisfaction of reading my emotions and finding out that she won, she achieved what she came for.
"Can we get six tokens please mate." The basketball player said.
I tore my eyes away from her, gathering six tokens and holding them out through the hole in the perspex. I challenged him with my eyes but I think he was clueless or just stupid. When he reached out to grab the tokens I dropped them before he had the chance to take them. Olivia said nothing but she watched everything with intensely green eyes.
"Come on H." she finally said through the thick air.
I watched them walk towards the dance mat with a deep scowl glued to my face. That's what she wanted, she brought him here so I could see them together. So I sat and watched them the entire time, making her squirm uncomfortably under my scrutinization. I hated seeing them laugh together and dance together like some cute couple on a date. But I hated that I was this affected by them. They finally left after six rounds of dance mat but I didn't feel any better once they were gone.
I opened up the group chat and decided to vent my feelings to my friends.
L: Olivia's just come in the arcade with a date.
Z: Who?
J: That sucks! Didn't think she was the type of girl to wave it in your face.
L: Someone from the basketball team.
Z: Sorry L.
J: Fuck sorrys, go get her back.
L: Nah. I'm done.
***
"I swear, one day I'm gonna take Helen on a proper date and she won't ever look at another man again" Ben told us as he tucked into his lunch bag and hopelessly gazed across the field at the cheerleaders.
"You're no man" Jordan replied with a mouth full of grapes, everyone laughed except Ben.
"Liam?" An irritated voice came from behind me and I knew exactly who it belonged to. "I need to talk to you." She sounded real mad but to be honest after yesterday, so was I.
My idiot friends broke out in 'woos' and made kissing faces in our direction. I ignored them and tried to show Olivia that I was disinterested in anything she was about to say. She seemed to get angrier the longer she stood in front of us.
"What about?" I asked casually.
"What do you mean 'what about?' The whole school is saying we had sex." Her voice got louder and clearly expressed that she was displeased. It only got worse for her when my friends coiled over laughing.
Why was she so bothered about this anyway? There's always people saying I hooked up with them when I didn't. There's always rumours. It's no big deal, it will be tomorrow's news when something better comes up. A sly smile stretched across my lips, payback time Olivia.
"Don't be shy Liv, it's a perfectly natural thing that we did."
My friends laughter grew louder and they rolled around the bleachers clutching their bellies dramatically. I focused on Olivia, and the hurt she felt when I just made out like the rumour was true. A stray tear silently rolled down her face and she swiftly wiped it away with her sleeve, turning to walk away before anyone could see how upset she was.
Yet again, I felt like a dick. This was obviously a really big deal for her and here I was making a joke out of it. I chased her down the steps and pulled on her hand just as she reached the bottom.
"It wasn't me. I'll tell them it didn't happen." I said, slinging my bag over my shoulder and walking away, to set the record straight and end the rumours.
***
I hung out at the skate park after school, I don't skate but I have friends there who supply me with the heavier drugs. We sat on the ramps drinking vodka and watching the clouds float by in the sky. They were bad people I had entangled myself with but they supplied the goods so I couldn't tear myself away, especially without Olivia in my life. Anything to help me forget. A few girls tried it on with me but I shot them down, not wanting to relive the embarrassment of not being able to perform.
"What you want?" Beefcake said as he looked through his stash.
"Anything halucinant." I replied with a drunken slur.
"You got cash? You still owe me from last time."
"Just add it to my tab, you know I'm good for it."
He didn't look impressed and his face only got worse when I reached in and tried to grab something from his pile, I don't know what. He dropped the car boot on my hand and punched me right across my cheekbone.
"woah" I stumbled backwards, losing my feet in my drunken state but I managed to control myself enough to stammer forward and land him one square on the nose. Before I knew it there was full on fist fight in the parking lot of the skate park and everyone gathered around to watch.
I don't know how I managed it or how I got here but somehow I'm sitting outside Olivia's back door, needing to see her. I tried to open the door but it was locked so I resorted to texting her a chain of messages.
Hi, u awake?
I'm out your back door.
Liv?
I'm this much drunk.
You can't see that but I'm holding up my fingers.
Come out pls. I just wanna see u I've had a bad night.
I'm not going away so you have to come get me
Liv
I pressed my face up against the glass, squashing my features flat and watching for movement on the inside of her house. When I she finally arrived a drunken smile grew across my lips.
"What happened?" she asked, full of concern
"You brought your date to my work. Just couldn't stay away could you? I was giving away how intoxicated I was since I struggled standing on my own two feet and slurred my words.
"That's not what I meant. What happened to your face? and how much did you drink? Who drinks on a school night?"
"Stop it Liv. I came here because I knew you wouldn't ask questions. So don't ask questions."
"You've been ignoring me all week, then you show up at my house in this state and expect me not to wonder why?"
A slow smile stretched across my face "You can wonder, just don't ask."
My friends don't ask questions, why can't she be like them. So hungry for information all the time. I made myself a glass of water as she analysed my every move with moody eyes.
"Why have you been such a dick all week?"
"That's just who I am." I answered truthfully.
Because when I'm around you I can't control myself. I want to kiss you, I want to touch you, I want you to touch me. I've never felt that before and it frightens the hell out of me. I show you my weaknesses and you strip me of my barriers. I can't allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone because they'll use it against me.
I closed the gap between us, feeling the heat of her body against my front and placed my index finger over her soft lips. "Shhh... let's go to bed." Her eyes widened in horror and I couldn't help but laugh at her innocence. "Just to sleep Liv" I reassured.
I grabbed hold of her hand and led her through the house to her bedroom, I was thankful when she didn't protest. Sleeping in bed with her might be strange for me and it might induce the nightmares but it's still a lot better than going home. If I went home drunk Jax would pounce on that. Instead I'll wrestle with my demons here, in her arms.
I stripped my clothes off and climbed in bed, she stood watching me so I patted the mattress next to me to give her the encouragement she needed to climb in. We lay in silence as I adjusted my mind to feeling her next to me. Her body hugging mine, as I melted against her protection.
"Liam?" she whispered
"Yeah?" I whispered back
"You can't keep doing this, you know? You're going to have to either let me in or let me go."
I instantly tensed at her words and felt my heart race under the grasp of her hand. Letting her in wasn't an option, but apparently neither is letting her go. But she's right, I couldn't keep doing this. I needed to pick one.
"I know." I replied after a few moments of hesitation.