Chapter Thirty-Four: Don't Hate Me
I had gotten home late that night. Connor had to stay at the hospital one more day so that they could monitor his vitals. Luckily, like him his mom only had minor non life-threatening injuries. I pulled into the driveway and simply sat there, dreading going inside and how awkward things would be. Not to mention if Mitchell was still mad and wanted to pick another fight. I was curious if he had told our families what had happened.
My mom had texted me around 4 pm, asking me if I was going to stay with Connor until visiting hours ended. I told her yes, but besides that, she hadn't mentioned anything about Mitchell.
I finally worked up the nerve to go inside. I slowly turned my car off, got out of it, locked my doors, and walked up to the front door.
The house was quiet. It was nearing half past ten, visiting hours had ended at ten, and I had taken the scenic route to get home. I didn't see any of the Cox family as I walked further into the house, but when I reached the living room, I saw my mom sat in the same barstool she was earlier this morning.
When she saw me, she stood up quickly to give me a hug. "Hallie, you're home. Are you hungry?" she asked, pulling back to search my face.
"Yeah, actually." I told her.
"Sit, sit." She told me, pushing me onto a barstool and going to the fridge. "What would you like? We have leftover burgers, I could make you Mac and Cheese, we could order a pi-"
"Mom, where is Mitchell?" I asked, calling out the elephant in the room.
My mom froze. She slowly turned around to face me, an unreadable look on her face. "Umm, well you see, we all thought it would be better for them to go stay in a hotel."
A bit of panic took over my face, "Why? What happened?"
"Hallie, we heard your conversation." My mom told me reluctantly.
"You heard?" I asked as shame flooded through me.
"I think the whole neighborhood did," my mom replied, biting her lip and looking at me anxiously.
I slumped back onto the stool, dropping my head into my hands, "God, that's so embarrassing. I'm so sorry-"
"Honey, you have nothing to be sorry about. I didn't know your relationship was like that- I can't believe it." My mom rushed over to me, rubbing my arms. "I can't believe he said those things to you."
I stayed silent, looking at the ground. I didn't think I had it in me to cry again tonight, but then I began to remember the hateful words Mitchell spewed at me.
Won't this be a story for the boys back at home?
He was trying to make it seem like I had always just been some conquest for him, like he never actually cared about me. I wanted to think he couldn't have faked everything, but I didn't know. Did I even know Mitchell?
Was it all an act because he was hurt? Or was he really just that shitty of a person?
It's a shame we never fucked though, that would have made it all the more better.
What type of person says stuff like that?
I finally spoke up, "Will you make me some Mac and Cheese?"
My mom laughed slightly, though I could tell it was somewhat forced and there were tears in her eyes, "Of course, sweetie." She told me, and walked to the pantry to get a box of Mac and Cheese ready.
She had just put the noodles in the boiling water when her phone began to ring. She answered it after the second ring, "Hello?" She asked with a warm smile on her face.
That smile quickly faded. "What?" She asked, a mix of shock and disbelief forming on her face. As she listened to what the person on the other line was saying, the look on her face morphed from horror, to pity, to sorrow. "I am so sorry, tell Madeline I am so sorry." She hung up the phone and cupped her hand over her mouth, letting out a choked sob.
"Mom?" I asked, as worry seeped into my mind, "Mom, what's wrong?" I stood up from my barstool and crossed the distance around the island to where my mom stood in front of the stove. My mom opened her arms and pulled me into a hug.
"Leo was in the pileup earlier today on his way to work. He was critically injured, and he didn't pull through." My mom told me through shaky breaths.
My face dropped, my mind felt numb, and my heart? My heart panged with sorrow.
"I-it was a drunk driver. He crossed over into opposing traffic and collided with Leo's car, and other cars got caught going too fast to brake." My mom told me as I rested my head on her shoulder.
I was staring blankly at something on the floor.
"Leo didn't make it." My mom finished as a low whimper escaped her.
I thought back to all of the times I'd gone to the BurgerShack with my friends. Leo was always there taking our orders and cooking for us. Him and his wife Madeline ran the place, and it wouldn't be the same without him.
Last time I saw him I told him it had been far too long since I'd last seen him and now I would never see him again. The little shack off the side of the road would never be the same without him.
I thought I was too numb to cry again tonight, I thought I was all out of tears, I didn't think I could allow myself to break down again today, but I was wrong.
I bit back a sob as the tears once again began to flow, I reached up to wipe my tears and pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to stop the crying, but to no avail.
My mom and I held each other as we cried, mourning the loss of a dear friend to the both of us, grieving for his poor wife, lamenting over everything he would never get to experience, and crying over the fact that we would never see him again.
Minutes later, I felt my phone buzz. There was a text from Miles.
'vigil 4 leo @ BurgerShack. pick u up in 10?' He sent.
'yes' I responded, and told my mom where I was going.
She told me to be careful, and I ran upstairs to grab a sweatshirt, and then back downstairs to go outside and wait for Miles. He arrived with Lani sitting in the back, leaving shotgun for me, and we drove in a solemn silence to the BurgerShack.
There were already a good number of people there when we arrived, probably about 20 or so. Apparently it had been organized by a couple of the guards. I spotted Rudy, and he waved us over, holding a bag of candles in one hand and a few lighters in the other.
"Hey Hallie," he said with a sad smile as we walked up to him, "Miles, and..."
"Lani," Lani supplied him with and he finished.
"Lani. Here, you guys get a candle, and I'll light them for you." Rudy told us, opening the bag of candles.
I grabbed one, and held it in my hands as Rudy snapped the lighter and lit our candles. We walked over to a gathering of other guards and members of the community who were holding candles in front of the shack.
Some people had brought flowers that they rested up against the shack, and in the ordering window that had a shutter pulled down, someone had placed a framed photo of Leo.
I shifted the candle into one hand and got out my phone to take a few videos and photos to send to Connor, but was surprised when I felt a hard hand on my shoulder.
I spun around to see Connor, with his cast hand placed on my shoulder, still in the hospital clothes, flanked by George, Logan, and Brittany. I threw one of my arms around his neck and pulled him in for a half hug. "You're here," I murmured quietly against his neck and felt him shiver.
"They broke me out. They knew I wouldn't want to miss this." Connor whispered back. I lifted my head out of the space between his neck and shoulder to see George wave at me, Logan nod, and Brittany smile.
I pulled back from him, still holding the candle in one hand, and maneuvered it so that Connor and I were holding it together, both with a hand on it. His cast arm rested around my shoulder, pulling me into his side, and my other arm wrapped around his waist.
We stood there in front of Leo's memorial, lost in thought about our memories with the man, and the times we'd spent at the BurgerShack when a woman walked up in front of the memorial, turning to face everyone surrounding it. There were now a good fifty or sixty people here, but her voice cut clear through the crowd, the silence so prisitine that her voice was the only thing you could hear besides the occasional car going by.
"It means a lot to me to see all of you out here supporting me and my husband. Thank you all for being here. What happened today was a terrible accident that could have easily been prevented, but I know we will all overcome this loss together, as a community." Madeline's voice pierced the night, loud and strong.
I admired her, I didn't know how she was so well put together after something so terrible. I would have been screaming and crying, cursing the drunk driver, but here she was, comforting us, and thanking us. She was a truly strong woman.
"I don't know why God decided it was Leo's time to go, but I am not going to give up. I will continue to operate BurgerShack, though I suppose I'll have to hire some help." Madeline laughed slightly as there were a couple offers in the crowd.
"I'm now asking you all to please honor my husband and keep his legacy alive by never drinking and driving. You've seen the affects, the consequences, and the dangers." She gestured out with her hands to the flowers and candles. "I'll be sure to notify you all of the funeral, all attendance is welcome. Thank you all for coming."
With that, Madeline walked away from the certain of Leo's shrine. People went up to it, setting their candles down in front of it, kissing Leo's picture, and some said a few words before walking away.
When it was time for Connor and I to put our candle down, we slowly knelt down and set it on the ground. I heard Connor whisper, "I don't know why it was you and not me, but I promise I'll live my life to its fullest in your honor."
I felt tears well up in my eyes for the hundredth time that day as I turned to smile at Connor while we stood up and walked away. We walked over to where George, Logan, and Brittany were staring down Lani, Miles, Benji, Wes, and Marco.
Connor and I shared a slight laugh as we anxiously began walking quicker to get to them as they exchanged words we couldn't hear. The worries were expelled from my body however as I saw George begrudgingly hold out his hand to Miles to shake, his lips unmistakably forming the word, "Truce?" And then after shaking Miles's hand, he held his out for Benji.
Connor and I arrived moments later to hear George tell us, "Well we all get along now, whoop-de-doo."
"And it's gonna stay that way, right?" Connor asked, looking at George pointedly.
George huffed and sighed, "Yeah, yeah whatever."
We all laughed, slightly awkwardly. Our separate groups looked at each other, not quite knowing what to make of things. Surprisingly, Brittany was the first to speak up.
"I come here every Sunday night with my dad." She said quietly. "My mom doesn't like me hanging out with him, but he makes sure to see me at least once a week, and we always come here."
"We get takeout here at least once a week." Marco replied.
"Me too," Logan said.
"I wish I'd come here more," I spoke softly, glancing around the circle to see knowing but supportive looks on my friends faces. Mitchell never really wanted to come here.
Connor and my friends began talking more, trading their memories about BurgerShack, when I noticed Madeline, staring at the vigil off from a distance. A few guards had gone up to tell her they were sorry for her loss, but she had only replied, "And I'm sorry for yours."
I discreetly tapped Connor's arm and he leaned his ear down so I could whisper to him.
"I'm gonna go talk to Madeline." I told him, my lips brushing his ear slightly and not missing the way he pulled me closer.
"Want me to come?" He asked and pulled back, his eyes caring.
"You don't have to," I told him and he nodded, removing his arm. I walked around the group over to where Madeline was standing, opening my mouth automatically to tell her I was sorry for her loss, but thinking better of it.
"Hallie Johnson," she greeted first with a slight smirk. "How'd you get Connor out of the hospital?" she asked knowingly.
"I didn't, George did." I mumbled back awkwardly. I tried to resist the urge to say it, but it began to slip out "I'm sorry for-"
She waved her hand at me, cutting me off into silence. "Save it, kid." she said affectionately. "Leo told me you're going to Stanford?"
"I am," I replied with a smile, "I'm really excited."
"He was proud of you- he was proud of all you kids." She said fondly, gazing into the distance behind me. "Leo and I could never have kids, but he always said that all you guards," she waved her hand at the mess of us standing on the side of the road by the shack, "were like our kids."
I bit the inside of my cheek to keep the tears from falling. If this incredibly strong woman in front of me who'd just lost her husband wasn't breaking down, I could hold it in.
"It's okay to cry, sweetheart." She said, and opened her arms for me.
That was all it took to release the tears. As I cried and shook quietly against her chest, I asked her, "How are you so strong?"
"You can never be prepared for something like this, but Leo woke up before he died- they woke him up for me to say goodbye." At that, my tears began to flow faster. "Hallie, sweetheart, I am a very lucky woman. I got to spend forty-two years with the man that I love, and I got to hold him and tell him I loved him before we had to say goodbye. Most people aren't that lucky."
I pulled back from her embrace to see her smiling at me softly.
"Most people aren't as lucky to be able to say goodbye. Leo and I got to." Her eyes sparkled as she glanced up at the sky, "And I know he's watching over me up there, he's watching over me and all of his kids."
At that, my tears stopped as I glanced up at the sky. I could feel a powerful presence in that moment, and I knew that Leo wasn't truly gone. Madeline was right, he was here watching over us. I looked back at Madeline. "You are a beautiful person," I told her, "Leo was a beautiful person, and you both had a beautiful love. I hope I'm as lucky as the two of you."
Madeline lowered her eyes from the sky to look at me and wink, "I have a good feeling you will be, now go get back to your friends." I gave her a grateful smile and turned to walk back to my friends who were laughing with each other.
When I got there, I slid right back under Connor's arm and asked him, "What did I miss?"
+++
Leo's funeral was beautiful, but simple, and there were hundreds of people from our community all there to celebrate his life just two days after his death. Madeline hadn't wanted to wait too long, and partially because his body had been seriously deformed in the crash but mostly because it was his wish, Leo had been cremated and was going to have his ashed sprinkled in the ocean.
My mom and I walked in together, both wearing black sundresses. We waved to people we knew before sitting in the same row with Miles and his family. As I slid in the chair next to Miles, he reached out to wrap his arm around my shoulder in a half hug. "Hey Hal."
Lani and her parents were sitting, as far apart from each other as they possibly could while still sitting in the seats next to each other. Wes and his dad were somewhere around, probably chilling in the back. Marco and his whole family were sat somewhere in the middle. Benji arrived and slid in behind me and Miles, grabbing our shoulders affectionately.
Connor's family, because his mom was the mayor, was sat up at the front, and I noticed Logan, George, and Brittany around the space.
The ceremony was quick and sweet. Mrs. Wilson hobbled up to the front on crutches with Connor's help and gave a eulogy both about the accident and about Leo. Again, Madeline gave a powerful speech about love and the dangers of drunk driving. A couple of Leo's friends said words, and then they opened it up for people to come up and pay their respects before they sprinkled his ashes in the ocean.
After everyone paid their respects, they walked to the back of the venue where there were drinks and food catered by none other than BurgerShack. My mom kissed me on the cheek and told me she was going with Miles's mom to find some other moms to talk to, and our new larger friend group ended up gathering in a small circle.
Wes teased Marco, who was still wiping at his eyes.
"Give me a break, man, it was sad. What are you, heartless?" Marco responded, jokingly shoving Wes.
"No I cried, I just didn't sob." Wes replied with a smirk.
"I did not!" Marco replied, his voice raising slightly.
"Dude, you totally did." George told him with a bark of a laugh, "But it's okay because little miss bad girl over here was too." He jerked his thumb at Lani.
Her jaw dropped at him, "I was not sobbing!" She exclaimed.
"You kinda were," I told her with a teasing smile and she pointed her finger at me.
"You're supposed to be on my side!" She said exasperatedly.
"I think everyone here felt a little bit of moisture in their eyes," Miles said, holding out his hands and moving them down in a slow motion as if to calm the argument.
We all nodded, and I looked up across the circle, making eye contact with Connor and flashing him a small smile. He returned it and then looked down, almost embarrassed as a pink flush clouded his cheeks.
I smiled bigger to myself as I too looked at the ground, suddenly feeling Miles nudge my side, and having my own cheeks flush as I realized he'd noticed Connor and my interaction.
He leaned in and whispered almost imperceptibly, "You should go talk to him."
Connor and I hadn't gotten much time to talk just the two of us lately. He was busy checking out of the hospital two days ago, and we both had conflicting shifts yesterday. He could still guard with a cast on, he just couldn't be the one going in the water which I knew frustrated him.
Thankfully, Benji had the decency to revise the schedules for the rest of the summer so that Mitchell and I would never have the same shift. As for Mitchell, he hadn't tried to contact me since I left to go see Connor at the hospital, and I was okay with that.
I was never a fan of messy breakups, always of the belief that if you tried you could stay on pleasant terms with your ex, but the thing was... I didn't want to stay on good terms with Mitchell. I didn't want anything to do with Mitchell, and after talking with my mom about what had happened when they left, she kicked them out, my mom didn't want anything to do with the Cox family either.
Mrs. Cox was her best friend, so I hoped that they could get over their argument even though she had tried to put the blame for our argument on me, but my mom assured me she would be fine if their relationship never recovered. And I believed her, especially judging based on how well she seemed to be getting along with George's mom.
I knew my mom was slightly intimidated by Connor's mom because she was the mayor, but Connor told me his mom wanted to get to know the woman who had raised me, after she finished talking to everyone else at Leo's funeral who wanted her attention.
Miles suggested we go get in line for burgers and gave me a pointed look, so as everyone else went to hop in line, I filled the space next to Connor.
"Hey," he told me with a smile, nudging into my arm with his good one.
"Hey," I said as I nudged him back, laughing slightly as he used that as an opportunity to throw his arm around my shoulder.
I snuggled into his side as he tightened his hold around me and he laughed harder.
"Sometimes I think you just like me for my warmth." He chuckled.
"That is a big part of why I like you," I responded seriously, doing my best to keep my face straight as he rolled his eyes jokingly.
"Are you hungry?" He asked me.
"Not really," I replied.
"Wanna go outside and walk for a bit?" he asked, though I could tell he was trying to hide a smile.
"Yeah," I replied, smiling at him.
We walked outside into the slightly cool air. It was strange, sometimes after it rained, it could be so humid that you could see steam rising from the sidewalk, and sometimes, like today, the rain cooled the temperature down to the low 70's. Connor unhooked his arm from around my shoulder, grabbing my hand in his, lacing our fingers, and rubbing circles on my hand with his thumb as he swung our hands lightly.
"I missed you," he said shyly, gazing at me underneath his eyelashes.
"I missed you too," I replied quickly to ease his anxiety.
He found a rock on the sidewalk kicking it ahead, and when I reached it I too kicked it so that it would be on his side for the next kick. We played the little game for a while before he spoke up again.
"Umm, what happened with you and Mitchell?" He asked.
"I broke up with him. I didn't realize what he was doing but luckily my friends did, and then he went off at me, talking about how he'd never loved me, was using me for my body, called me a slut-"
"Shit, Hal." Connor swore under his breath looking down. "I- I thought he made you happy."
"I thought he did too, but he just manipulated me against the people I care about," I replied, "And he was always so worried about you, I was never quite sure why, but now I know he was right to worry."
"What do you mean?" He asked me, confusion clouding his eyes.
"Even while Mitchell and I were together, I was always thinking about you, or comparing him to you, and you were always better." I admitted shyly, "I guess a part of me was holding onto what our relationship used to be, Mitchell and mine, but I was young and naive back then."
"Oh?" Connor asked neutrally though I swore I saw a ghost of a smile on his lips.
"Yeah, and the thing that kills me is that I might have screwed things up with this other guy because I couldn't see things clearly." I told Connor with a smirk.
"Oh there's another guy, huh? What's he like?" Connor ask with his own smirk, stopping us in the middle of the sidewalk and turning us to face each other so that we were toe to toe.
"He's alright, I guess." I teased, dropping the smirk from Connor's face, "No, the other guy is perfect. He treats me right, and he makes my heart go faster than it's ever gone and my stomach do flips. He's probably bad for my health."
"Is he?" Connor murmured, pulling me closer and leaning his head down so that our lips would touch if I just leaned forward a few inches. "Tell me something else about him."
"Well he's kind-"
"-and?" Connor asked, moving closer.
"-he's pretty funny, I guess-" I replied with a smile.
"-and?" closer.
"-and he's super hot, like magazine cover hot-"
"-and?" closer.
"-and he makes me happy." I finished as Connor closed the distance between us, pressing his lips to mine.
It was the kiss I'd been waiting for all of my life, a show stopping, movie kiss. It didn't matter that Connor was only cupping my face with his good hand and the cast was around my waist, pulling me in closer. Or that when the wind blew, some rain that was resting on the tree above us dropped down on us in a light shower. It didn't matter that the cicadas and the birds were going crazy or that we were literally outside of a funeral because everything was perfect.
Connor kissed me gently but passionately, going at an agonizingly slow pace, but it was perfect. I'd been missing kissing him since we last kissed on the hospital bed, it was something that I was never going to get used to and something I would never stop missing.
It was as if time had stopped, and there was no one else who existed but me and him... until he pulled back panting, "Wait, Hal stop." He murmured as I whined quietly against his closed mouth.
I pulled away, with a confused look in my eyes while his were swimming with regret. "We can't do this," he said slowly.
"Connor, I-" I stated, breaking off my sentence and backing away from him. He reached out his good hand to grab my arm.
"Wait, Hallie please listen-"
I shook my head, looking down.
"H, look at me please." Connor said, moving his hand from my wrist to below my chin, tilting my head up. "Please don't be mad at me."
I couldn't be mad at him, how could I ever be mad at him, especially when everything that was wrong between us was my fault. "No, it's okay, I get it."
"No, Hallie, please, just listen." Connor pleaded.
"Okay," I told him, my voice sounding small and quiet.
"I like you Hallie, a lot. I have for a long time, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. But when we're together again, I want to make things work, and I want us to last because I believe we can have a love that lasts forever..."
"But?" I asked him, sensing the inevitable condition that was coming.
"But to do that, I think we both need to focus on ourselves first. I have to figure out this whole therapy thing, and you just got out of this- uhh emotionally abusive relationship. Please don't be upset, and please don't think I'm doing this because I don't want to be with you." Connor told me, stepping closer and placing a strand of hair behind my ear.
I sighed, contemplating everything he was saying and trying to keep an open mind, realizing that he was right. "I'll miss you." I told him, looking into his beautiful eyes.
"I'm not saying that we can't hang out," Connor said quickly, "Just that I don't think either of us is ready to be in a relationship right now. In fact, I'd really like it if you could pick me up from therapy on Saturday," he said shyly.
"I'd like that," I told him with a shy smile.
Connor sighed and pulled me against his chest, I buried my head in it, sighing non-audibly as I relished the feeling of being in his arms.
"Please don't hate me," He whispered in my hair.
"I could never hate you, Connor." I replied. "And you're right, we both need to focus on ourselves first."
"I like you so much that my heart hurts," Connor told me cheesily.
"I like you so much that my whole body hurts when I'm not with you." I joked back, leaning into his side as we turned around to walk back to the venue.
We continued joking with each other until we reached our friends, and Connor took his arm off of my shoulder. We split up and I squeezed myself in between Miles and Lani, both of them scooting over to make room for me and putting their arms around me.
"The lovebirds are back," George joked, and Connor and I shared a secret look.
"We're not-" I said, somewhat awkwardly, but more confidently as Connor nodded in agreement.
Miles shot me an obviously confused look, his head whipping toward me rather quickly.
"We're just friends," I said, shrugging.
Miles mouthed 'are you ok?' to me, and I nodded. I truly was okay, because I knew that Connor and I would be together one day, there was no doubt in my mind.
With a promise to talk to him later, Miles and resumed back in the conversation with our new budding group of friends, and I finally felt the weight come off of my shoulders, realizing I was truly happy for the first time in months.
don't hate me y'all....