T I M O T H É E
The tension between us is gone.
We're supposed to be meeting up with Sophia and Syd today at the coffee house. It's meant to be some sort of a double date thing. Ella was weird all morning though. Didn't say a word to me when she woke up. I said good morning, she said it back but that was really it.
I don't think she's still angry, but she is most definitely distancing herself from me. I really messed with her emotions, or at least that's what I think I did judging by her explosion yesterday. She rarely ever blows up on me like that. She had so much frustration in her, so much annoyance. It made me feel like such a horrible boyfriend. And it got me thinking...
Have I really been that oblivious to how she must feel?
I should have realized just how confusing I'm being. But then again I'm confused myself. One second California seems like a nightmare to me, the next I seem to look at it as some road to endless opportunities. I've never been this indecisive.
My whole life I've always know exactly what I want and I've fought for it. But with California, I just can't make up my mind. It's all so unclear. Everything is blurry. It feels like every monumental decision I make will be the wrong one and I don't know anymore.
I really don't know.
It seemed so black and white to me a few days ago. California means losing my relationship with Ella. And New York means having it for the rest of our lives. But is it really that inevitable? Should I be so sure that one thing is bound to lead to another?
The car ride to the Coffee House is where Ella finally started softening up to me. She put on some music, reached for my hand and looked out the window in silence, the way she always does. It wasn't much. But it was enough to reassure me that I was forgiven.
Then we make it to her favorite place to eat on campus and we're about to enter until she holds me back. Her hands sits gently on my shoulder and when I turn to look at her I'm not sure if she's sad or content. Maybe she's feeling mixed emotions? She takes my hand all of sudden and squeezes it.
'I'm not angry. I know you never meant to hurt me, but I was still hurt.' I smile at her honesty, although her words break my heart. I hate hurting her. Weather it's intentional or on purpose. The idea that I can even harm her precious soul is one that tears my heart to pieces.
I squeeze her hand back. 'I'm glad you told me how you felt last night. It really made me analyze the situation from a different point of view.'
Ella tries her best to smile but it comes out looking like more of a frown instead. 'That's good to hear.' She coos. 'But just remember what I said last night. No more talk of California until you know what you want for sure.'
I nod in understanding. 'Deal.' I hold my hand out for her to shake and at first she looks confused but then she takes it and we shake on it quite awkwardly. The handshake brings some laughter out of her which immediately puts a smile on my face.
'You're such a dork you know that?' She says standing on her tiptoes to kiss me. I'm not that hard to reach but I still adore it when she does that. It makes me wants to lift her up and wrap her legs around my waist. But I hold back the urge to do that because we have a double date to get to and we're already a few minutes late.
Once she pulls away from me I go back in for another peck which causes a little giggle to escape her. 'I know that buddy.' I say.
'Buddy?' She repeats the word back to me with her eyebrows raised.
'Yeah. Buddy.' I laugh at her disgusted reaction. 'What? Do you not like it or something?'
She crosses her arms over her chest to show her dissatisfaction, and I can't help but admire her protest over a little nickname that slipped out of me by accident. 'I'm not your buddy.' She says crossly. 'I'm your girlfriend.' Then she kisses me passionately to show me the big difference between the two words.
I pull away but I hold her face in both my hands so she doesn't have a choice but to look into my eyes. 'Can't you be both?' I ask in amusement. 'My buddy and my girlfriend?'
'No.' She whines shaking her head and I watch her pout her lips adorably at me. I then lean in to kiss her pouty lips but she moves her face away so fast that I miss her lips and kiss her cheek instead. 'You can't kiss your buddy Chalamet. That's against the rules.'
'Oh really?' Now it's me raising my eyebrows at her in surprise. But before I can try and steal another kiss from her she's running away towards the coffee house entrance. 'So that's how you wanna play it huh?'
I watch her turn back to me with a devious look in her eye. She makes it to the door before I have a chance to catch up to her and we have no choice now but to enter the coffee house hand in hand. I smile, happy with how we'd resolved things. Moments like these remind me why I fell in love with Ella in the first place and I start to feel so content.
We find Syd and Sophia sitting down already and we make our way towards them. But the sight we see is not pretty at all.
***
E L L A
The first thing I notice the moment we spot Soph and Syd is the huge plaster stuck to Sophia's forehead.
'What happened?' I ask before I even greet the two of them and Sophia looks startled I asked until Syd takes over to speak for her instead.
'She broke a wine glass having dinner at my place last night and one of the glass shards cut her pretty badly.' Syd explains calmly but Sophia still doesn't look calm. Something is unsettling her, she doesn't look at ease sitting there beside Syd. I know her, and I can read her every thought and emotion.
But then I doubt my skills when a smile spreads across her face. 'It's dumb.' She says laughing. 'Syd got all dramatic about it but I'm fine really. It was nothing. There's no need to worry.' I blink my eyes at her in disbelief.
'It's good it got your head not your eye. That would have sucked.' Timmy claims laying back in his seat comfortably. But how can he be comfortable right now? Something is so off about Sophia. I just know it. I can feel it in my fucking bones but I can't pin point what it is just yet.
'That's exactly what my mom said.' Sophia replies and then she takes a sip of her coffee and does her best to avoid eye contact with me.
I force her to look at me when I speak up. 'Why's the plaster so big if it was just a little cut? It must not have bled too bad right?'
Sophia looks at me, goes frigid and looks at Syd instead who once again talks for her. 'It wasn't a big cut but it was really deep. There was a lot of bleeding I almost thought she would pass out.'
'Did you?' I ask Sophia, and I know Syd can hear the hostility in my voice because he does his signature eye roll.
'No. She didn't. She was fine.' He replies. 'I thought we already established that.'
I look back at Sophia, ignoring Syd's annoying interventions everytime I direct a question at her. 'How did you break the glass?' Syd tries to speak for her once again but I cut him off before he has the chance to. 'I'm asking Sophia.' I say through gritted teeth.
She does it again. Wears the fake smile, puts on a pretend face and acts like nothing is bothering her right now. 'I- I just dropped it by accident. It's really no big deal El.'
I feel Timmy's hand on my back and it's the only thing that broke me out of my trance. I finally sit back in my chair but I don't relax. I can't relax. Not when I can hear the terrible thoughts swimming in my mind trying to make sense of all of this.
First it was the bruise on her arm, now the cut on her forehead. The survivor in me can't help but pick up on signs of possible physical abuse but maybe I'm just reading her wrong. Maybe it really isn't like that. I decide to confide in Timmy though, because if there's a chance I'm looking way too deep into this he'll know. I trust his judgement.
I stand up and pull him up with me. 'We're just gunna grab our coffee and sit back down in a sec.' Sophia and Syd nod and I drag Timmy with me as far away as possible so we are out of earshot. We stand in line and immediately the question shoots out of me. 'Is it just me or does it look like Sophia is covering something up?'
Timmy furrows his eyebrows at me. 'Well she didn't talk much.' He claims. 'Syd did most of the talking so I wouldn't really know.'
'Exactly.' I say making sure to emphasize my whole point. 'Syd kept speaking for her. Getting all defensive too. I don't know if it's the survivor in me but I feel like her cut wasn't just no big deal.'
Timmy looks back at them for a second and I do too. Syd and Sophia sit on the same long couch together but there's a good few inches between them. Any other couple would take the opportunity to get as close to eachother as possible but Sophia hugs herself with her arms and keeps a good amount of space between her and her boyfriend. That in itself was concerning. 'You could be looking too deep into it El.' Timmy tells me but I can't help but deny it.
'Or maybe she's sending me signals.'
'Signals?' He repeats perplexed. 'Do you really think he's hurting her?'
I heave a sigh. 'Come on Timmy don't look so surprised.' I finally tear my eyes away from the two of them and focus on Timmy's kind eyes instead. 'Syd is an asshole.' I remind him in case he has somehow forgotten.
'Okay.' He agrees. 'That's a known fact but do you really think he's capable of it? Because that's one big accusation to make.'
I shrug my shoulders helplessly. Not knowing what to think. I care about Sophia and I haven't liked her relationship with Syd form the moment I met him when I moved into our dorm together. Maybe this is just my way of justifying my hatred for him. Or maybe I'm right. 'I know it sounds crazy.. but she just doesn't seem like herself lately.'
Timmy nods in understanding. 'Well then ask her what's up before you throw around any claims okay?'
I nod back slowly. 'Yeah of course. I will.' I say. And he's right. I need to be sensible about this. Even if my hunch is correct and she is going through some form of abuse right now I can't just confront her abuser at this coffee house in public. I need to come up with a long term solution to get him out of her life completely.
It's our turn now. We walk up to the barista and order our coffees. Timmy offers to pay but I'm quick to shove some cash at the baristas face. I hate it when people pay for me. I always have. No matter my relationship with them it just doesn't feel right at all. Timmy thanks me before we walk over to the counter where we wait to receive our orders. Then he leans over so only I can hear his concerned voice. 'You could be right though Ella. I mean you'd know more about this than I would right?'
'I'm not sure.' I say running a frustrated hand through my waves. 'But I really hope my gut feelings wrong about this one.'
Timmy hums in agreement with me. 'Yeah me too. I'd rather not get my fist bruised again. It only just started healing.' I want to laugh but I don't. And neither does he. It wasn't meant to be a funny joke so we both stand there silently just picturing it. Picturing the scenario in our heads. The thought of Sophia, such a pure and sweet hearted girl being harmed in any way shape or form makes me nauseous.
I was like her once. When my mother was alive I carried all the light in the world inside of me. Just my smile brightened up people's days and my laughter made their pain ebb away and the positivity that would radiate through me was so contagious everyone could feel it coursing through their bones.
But then mom died. And that part of me died with her. My father fucked me up good as well after that. It took Timmy's love and Sophia's radiance and joy to turn me back into that sweet and loving little girl that I once was. That I once used to be.
I can't let Sophia lose herself like I did. She's way too important.
Timmy hands me a coffee cup and he manages to peck me lightly with his lips before I take it from him. I force a smile onto my face for his sake because I know the kiss was his way of making me feel better. But I still feel like shit inside. We make our way back towards Syd and Soph until a large muscular body intercepts us on our way there. And when I look up to find his grey eyes staring down at me I can't help but step back in shock.
Fucking Miles. Always showing up where he's not wanted. I reach for timmy's free hand that doesn't hold a cup of coffee and I make sure to keep a tight grip on it. We didn't need anymore fist fights. One was more than enough.
I'm prepared to ignore him completely. To just walk by him without acknowledging his presence or even saying a single word. But when I watch a sly smile spread across his lips the anger in my starts to rise and I almost wish somebody would hold me back from punching him too, in the same way I was holding back Timmy.
'Fancy seeing you here again Ella. I didn't know you came here often?' The pep in his voice, the way the deep sarcasm just flowed out of him made my skin crawl.
Miles really knew how to get under a person's skin. 'Walk away before I spill this steaming cup of coffee onto your shirt Miles.'
'Oh you can try.' He laughs. 'But you wouldn't do that now would you Ella? You hate making a scene in public places way too much to even think of doing something that embarrassing.'
I raise my eyebrows at him, challenging him almost. 'Trust me I'll get over the embarrassment if it means I get to see the look on your face when I-'
'Okay.' Timmy's holding me back now. I realize my grip on his arm loosened a long time ago but I don't remember letting go of him. And I definitely don't remember him holding onto my waist tightly so I don't prance on Miles right here right now in the middle of this coffee shop. 'Walk away baby. Just walk away. Same thing you told me remember?' He tells me soothingly.
I don't want to walk away but I force myself to keep my cool. I'm not my father. Violence may course through my veins but I won't give in to it. I can't be like him. That would make my biggest nightmare come to life. I let Timmy walk me back to the couch but Miles laughter makes me want to kick my foot out and aim for his groin.
That would put him in his place.
'You two are really cute together you know that? You're so perfect for eachother. One needs to work on his anger management skills and the other has extreme daddy issues.' My throat dries up, my breathing starts to lose its steadiness.
'What did you say?' Timothée's furious voice raises goosebumps all over my body and it causes everybody's heads to turn our way. 'Say that again scumbag. Say it again... I fucking dare you.'
Miles laugh obnoxiously. As if the situation is one of the funniest ones he's ever been put in. Then he stops laughing like a maniac and stares Timmy right in the eye with a smug look on his face. 'What?' He curls his lips upwards slightly forming a smirk. 'Did my comment about your anger problems piss you off? Or was it the one about your girlfriends absence of a father figure her whole fucking life?' I expect Timmy to hit him. No. I want Timmy to hit him so I don't have to do it myself.
But instead Timmy's hand finds Miles' collar instead and he's dragging him out of the coffee house so they can take the fight outside. At this point I don't care about the whole speech I gave Timmy a few days ago. Violence is the answer, when it comes to assholes like Miles Moreno. He just never learns... and daddy issues? He knows about my dad too?
That's something he couldn't have found out from anybody on campus. No one knows. Not Sophia, not Joel not the twins and most definitely not Syd. I'm afraid of how he knows all this information, but I'm more angry than I am afraid right now because he has no right to know something so personal about me.
All those years of torment. All the suffering I survived. That's my trauma to share. No one else's. Miles shouldn't know about it. He shouldn't be allowed to look this self-satisfied as he talks about it in front of everyone at the coffee house. It's just not fair.
'Talk!' Timmy yells in Miles' face, still holding onto his collar so tightly one could even assume Miles was being choked. 'Now you fucking jackass! Talk and tell us how you know about all that shit or I swear to god I'll-'
'You'll what?' Miles rolls his eyes, not even the slightest bit intimidated when faced with Timmy's wrath. 'Hit me? Go for it. Be my fucking guest man. I don't care.' I stare at Miles in disbelief and I watch as Timothée let's go of his collar in frustration, shoving Miles backwards harshly and just staring at him from afar in utter disbelief.
He was already bruised from Timmy's last punch. Did he really want another mark on his pretty face? 'You're fucked in the head man.. you know that? There's something really wrong with you.' Timmy tells him.
'Whatever.' Miles scoffs brushing the comment off like it didn't hold meaning to him at all. 'I was just preaching the truth to you two. It's not my fault you don't want to hear it.'
I didn't even realize a crowd had formed behind us until I heard chatter coming from behind me. I don't want to turn around. I don't want to find Sophia there, or god forbid Syd and have to face them as they judged me with their eyes.
I picture myself alone right now. With just Miles and nobody else around. I walk up to him, my face stern and my blue eyes focused on nothing but his grey ones. 'How do you know Miles?' I plead and it's tiring.. it's so tiring. Asking that question again for what felt like the hundredth time was so fucking exhausting because I knew he'd give me no answer.
But I still tried anyway.
'How do I know what?' He asks, trying to sound smart and I do my best to ignore the urge I feel to send my fist flying towards his fucking face right now.
'How do you know about my father? How do you know so much about me?' My voice is painful, and it's silent because I don't want the other people in the background to hear. I just want him to hear me out. For once. 'Come on Miles.' I beg. 'The least you can fucking do at this point is quit being a dirtbag and just tell me how you know this shit.'
Miles drops the smug look, drops the smile and the unamused expression that was on his face moments ago and he finally looks serious. 'Please.' I whisper.
'I'm sorry gorgeous. But I can't tell you a thing.'
I don't know if he's being genuine or not. If the hint of remorse in his voice was real or if he was just trying to sound apologetic so he could mock me. But nonetheless I go on playing his little games. 'Why not? Why can't you tell me?'
'My lips are sealed.' He says simply and right as I'm about to give up he pipes up again, shocking me with his next words. 'But your brothers aren't.'
'My brother?' I repeat stunned.
'Yes. Aaron isn't it?' I nod and his use of my brothers name should surprise me but it doesn't. Not even in the slightest bit. At this point I should expect him to know everything there is to know about me. Next thing I know he'll tell me all about how my moms died cause I made her to get into the accident that ended up killing her.
Miles clears his throat and smooths on the scrunched up collar that Timmy had held in his hands moments ago. Then he looks back up at me. 'Give him a call. See what's going on with him. Hopefully you'll figure it out.'
Miles then walks away. Unscathed. Completely unharmed. I expected Timmy to get a good punch in, and I was dying to get one in myself too but the situation was way too dire right now to be worrying about him. I reach for my phone in my back pocket. Aaron picks up on the third ring and I call out his name desperately.
'Aaron what the hell is going on right now?'
'Nothing... wait what do you mean?'
'Miles told me to call you. He said you know things.'
'Know things about what? Why were you talking to Miles anyway isn't he the buffoon that-'
'Aaron we don't have time for this right now. Miles knows. About dad, about the abuse and at this point I wouldn't be surprised if he knew about mom too.'
'What? How could he know that? You said you didn't tell him anything.'
'Well someone obviously did. Where are you right now?'
'I just made it home. Gina stood me up.'
'What? Why the fuck would she do that I thought she adored you.'
'So did I. But I waited for her at the restaurant for two hours and-'
'And what...?'
'Aaron what's wrong? Aaron!'
'Holy fuck.'
'Aaron what the fuck is going on?'
'Someone broke in El.'
'To the apartment?'
'Yes.'
'How? Did you not lock the door. Aaron for fucks sake I always tell you to lock the door..'
'I locked it! I swear I did I know I did.'
'Is anything gone?'
'The furniture is ruined. Chairs are scattered around the floor. The whole fucking place is flipped upside down.'
'Fuck- fuck well did they t-take anything?'
'I don't fucking know. I mean it's not like we even have anything valuable in this shit hole. What would they possibly want with our- oh god no. Oh please no.'
'THE SQUIRREL FUND! Fuck check for the squirrel fund!'
'Fuck Ella. I put like a hundred bucks in that thing last week.'
'I put seventy in it this morning. Go check if it's there right now A!'
'It's gone.' I feel my heartbeat quicken.
'Ella it's completely gone. They didn't even leave us a penny.'
'I'm on my way.' I blurt out. 'Lock the door. Don't let anybody in until I get there alright?'
'Yeah... no of course I won't.'
'Not even fucking Gina.'
'Ok.'