In this is section I'm going to break down the rewritten chapter, showing why I did what I did to better help you understand how you can change your own work.
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"Don't throw up, don't throw up. Marlee, don't you dare throw up."
I squeeze my eyes shut and grip the edge of the sink, nerves like angry bees race through me. I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. I do it again and again until my stomach starts to settle.
(As you can see I didn't start the chapter on Marlee waking up. Waking up is very average and doesn't spark excitement. A girl telling herself not to throw up instantly drops us into the story and makes us wonder why she's trying not to throw up. So where in your first chapter can you start that will instantly get us hooked?)
"You just have to make it through today."
(Here I bring in the mystery of the day being important. I don't tell you why because I want you to want to know why. If you simply hand out every answer to your reader they won't want to stay because there's no mystery. Where can you create mystery by not revealing something right away?)
I breathe out again. When I'm certain I'm not going to vomit, I open my eyes and let go of the sink. I pause, waiting to see if my nerves will hit me again, but they've calmed down. Relieved, I leave my bathroom and my slightly nauseous looking reflection.
I tug on my worn Converses. They look as old as me with tears in them and sharpie marks along the edge. But they've been with me for every big moment and today I need their good luck.
(I cut the outfit choice because it had no importance for the story. What was important were the shoes. Shoes that make her feel lucky, bringing in the question why does she need luck for today? Is there something your character wears that is important to them, if not don't describe what they're wearing.)
Grabbing my backpack and gym bag, I jog down the stairs and head into the kitchen. My mom leans against the counter, coffee cup in hand. Even dressed in scrubs, she's beautiful. Her black hair is tied into a ponytail and her brown eyes blend well with her tan skin. I inherited every one of her features, except where she wears them with confidence, I'm still trying to feel comfortable in them. She eyes me over the rim of her mug.
(Right here I tell you a lot. 1. Her mom is a nurse. It doesn't need to be stated because it's implied with the scrubs. 2. I told you what Marlee looks like. And in using her mother as a mirror for her looks I told you Marlee is still growing and doesn't feel confident in herself. Where can you use the mirror of someone else to describe your character instead of using an actual mirror?)
"Are you feeling?" She asks.
"Like I want to throw up," I admit, reaching for a mug.
(With those two lines you know the dynamic between the mom and Marlee. Her mom knows why this day is important, Marlee doesn't feel like she needs to hide her emotions from her mother, they have a strong bond. How can you show the bond of your character with others just with dialogue?)
I pour myself coffee, needing the boost.
"You're going to do great," she says.
"I might if I don't end up puking all over the judges."
My mom laughs, a sound that feels so rare from her. Even with the musical sound, I can see the hint of red in her eyes.
(Here you see that there is some sadness in the mother's life. Is it death? Divorce? I don't say because I want the reader's mind to be curious. Where can you drop hints of things?)
"Well, then that's not an impossible bar to reach, don't throw up on the judges."
"Yay," I mock. "How can I go wrong?"
I drown my coffee in milk. I want the caffeine, not the taste. When I take a sip the warm vanilla liquid rushes through me. I look at the refrigerator but have a feeling that I won't be able to eat anything for the whole day with a knot in my stomach. A car horn blares outside and my mother smiles at me, knowing who the culprit is. She tucks a strand of unruly black curl behind my ear.
(Not only does the mother know who her daughter's friends is, she is also affectionate, shows that they do care for each other. How can small gestures in your book say a lot?)
"You can do this," she says.
I let out a breath, savoring her words. "Thanks."
Dumping my mug into the sink, I head towards the front doors. As I pass the living room, I hesitate. On the coffee table is the family album laying open and an empty wine glass sitting beside it. On the floor is a box of tissues. I look back at the kitchen, heart heavy.
(Ah! More clues, death would be the obvious answer, but you never know so still the mystery prevails!)
"I love you," I call out.
"Love you too," my mom says, her voice a little choked.
(In the bit of dialogue the reader can see how Marlee sees how much pain her mother is in and wants to make it better. And how showing affection means a lot to her mother. Small gestures, big meanings, find them in your work.)
Before I can think of hurrying back to her and hugging her, I hear another noisy honk. I gather up my backpack and gym bag and leave the house. Waiting on the curb is a yellow jeep. Tori stands on the driver's seat, half of her body appearing out of the top of the jeep.
(In that one sentence the reader already gets a sense of who Tori is, not a lot of normal people will stand on their seats. It already sets up how Marlee and Tori are different. How can you show the contrast between your character and her best friend?)
"Lee! Are you ready to become a cheerleader?!" She asks, throwing her fists into the air in a typical cheer routine motion.
(Here it is! The answer to the big mystery, the friends are going to try out to be cheerleaders.)
I roll my eyes but laugh, her wide grin and cheery blue eyes lightening the ache in my chest.
(The fact that Tori's quirkiness can make Marlee happy shows how close they are.)
"I didn't hear you," she says. "Are you ready to become a cheerleader?"
I round the car and toss my bags into the back.
"I'm not sure," I say.
(Right there, we see the contrast even more. Where Tori is bursting with excitement, Marlee is filled with doubt. How can you use dialogue to show the dynamic in your character's friendship?)
Before I can get in, Tori holds up her hand, the happiness gone from her round face.
"Stop, I did not work all summer with you so that you can now doubt yourself. You can not enter this car if you are going to be pessimistic." She waves her hands in an arc. "This is a positive thoughts only car."
(Tori is bubbly but also a little strange. It doesn't have to be told because we see it right there.)
Struggling against another eye roll, I pretend to take my negative thoughts out of my head and drop them onto the concrete. Tori beams and I climb into the car.
(Even though Marlee isn't odd like Tori, she still respects her friend enough to go along with her oddness showing how long they've been friends.)
The engine rumbles to life and she drives off, passing quaint two-story house in pastel hues and trim lawns.
(This might seem like a small detail, but right away you know that Marlee lives in a good neighborhood and is probably part of the middle class.)
"Lee," Tori says, the wind whipping her blonde ponytail all around. "I don't understand how you are not more excited about today? We are finally making our nine-year-old selves proud."
(There you have it, a glimpse of how long they've been friends without is being spelled out. See where you can weave how long your character has been friends with their bestie into a bit of dialogue.)
Also Tori has blonde hair, showing once again how she compares with Marlee in this sense)
"Yes," I say. "It's only taken us seven years to get to this point.
(Now you know how old they are. Making your reader think through something or make a mental calculation is not a bad thing, it gets them engaged with your story.)
"I'm serious, this is a big deal. We've wanted this for so long."
"You remember that one of our other dreams in third grade was to each marry a prince, right?"
(They've been friends since third grade, got the information in while keeping it connected to the conversation and adding a bit of humor.)
"That will come later."
I laugh and shake my head amazed at the fact that she can act so calm while I don't know how I'll make it through this day. I stare out at the flashing world, gnawing on my lip as I mull over of the coming tryouts.
(Again these two friends, though long time friends, see the prospect of cheer tryouts vastly different.)
"Hey," Tori says, slapping my arm. "Don't stress out on me. We're ready. I didn't give up going the pool and ogling guys so you could think about backing out."
(The information that they've worked all summer for this is given along with the fact that Tori is a bit boy crazy.)
"I'm not backing out."
"No, you're just making yourself nervous by overthinking like you always do. Stop it."
(Tori knows how Marlee works, again the bond of their friendship is shown with how Tori tries to get Marlee out of her head.)
"I can't help it, it's all I can think about."
Tori grins. "Then I have something that will distract you. News is that Jacob Alvarez is transferring to our school."
(Jacob is introduced in a way that shows again how Tori is boy crazy but also wants to distract her friend, two aspects of her personality. How can you show your side character's personality with a bit of dialogue?)
I scrunch up my face. "Yup, not distracting enough. I have no idea who Jacob is."
(Marlee isn't boy crazy.)
Which is only half true, I vaguely remember Tori showing me photos of someone by that name a couple of weeks ago.
(The two friends differ on where boys rank in importance.)
"Oh, you sad sad little bookworm. Mr. Hot Stuff or also known as Jacob Alvarez is God's gift to us. Tall, dark, and handsome is his middle name."
"Weird middle name."
"Just wait until you see him."
"Why did he transfer to our school?"
"Got into too many fights."
"Oh, handsome and has anger issues, yeah I'll pass."
(In six lines you see how even though Marlee is more quiet she still keeps up with Tori and her humor, showing how their friendship has lasted through the years. Also brings in the fact that Marlee isn't drawn to bad boy types. Look at your two characters and find the reason they've been friends for so long then show the reader.)
Tori shakes her head. "Why did I get linked with a completely bookish, hermit of a friend?"
"I think it was because you asked to borrow my red marker and I gave you a blue instead."
"You're right, I was doomed to like you for your oddness and complete lack of listening abilities."
(Both have a odd sense of humor.)
When I laugh, she's quick to join and I'm grateful since she has helped me forget about the tryouts.
At the school, Tori swings the jeep into a parking space and I jump out, collecting my backpack. As we walk towards the main doors, she loops her arm with me. I stop as we are about to enter the crowd and loud hallways.
(Tori isn't ashamed of her friendship with Marlee and doesn't care who links the two of them together in their mind. How can one gesture portray your character's bond?)
"I forgot my gym bag," I say, pulling away.
As I take a step back, the bell rings.
"You can't be late for history, I'll see you later," I say.
(Shows that Marlee knows Tori's schedule and where she stands on attendance and how involved in school she is.)
Tori gives a peppy 'Go Marlee go!' cheer as I jog back to the jeep, smiling the whole way. Kneeling on the passenger seat, I reach back and yank my gym bag forward. I push the door behind me open again and hear a solid thunk along with a startled oof! Grimacing, I scramble out of the car to find a boy flat on his back on the concrete. I crouch down.
(I cut the physically running into the bad boy for something that's a little more original though still keeps with the 'run-in' Meet Cute. How can your characters meet that's new and fresh?)
"I'm so sorry," I say. "Are you okay? I didn't know anyone was there."
Rubbing his forehead, the boy slowly sits up. When he opens his eyes, I freeze, realizing who I just hit with a door. Jacob's eyes are dark brown that they seem almost black. His face is made of strong edges, topped with wild curls.
(Instead of saying he's hot, I gave descriptions that would imply he is. Saying a guy is hot comes off as basic. And always know unless you tell us the main guy is ugly as readers we're going to assume he's drop dead gorgeous.)
"Mr. Hot Stuff," I breathe out.
(Shows that Marlee isn't as comfortable with guys as we assume Tori is.)
Jacob gives me a half-smile. "Most people just know me by my first name, which is Jacob."
(Knows how good looking he is, but is quick to play it off as a joke and slightly flirty, which is the makings of a heart throb main guy character.)
I want to disappear because at his teasing tone, I think going to throw up.
(And it comes full circle with Marlee feeling like she's going to throw up. The end of your first chapter matters, it's the reason we keep reading, so make it count. Leave us on a good line or a good description that the reader will want to go onto the next chapter.)
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Hey Noodles!
I really hope this helped and that you use this to go back to your first chapter and analysis where you can improve and where you can cut things that aren't needed!
Above all know that the most important thing in writing is to keep writing! Though you have this as a model, don't overly edit while you're still on your first draft, this is for when you've finished your book and want to go back and edit.
Good luck and keep writing!