Katherine curled up next to me on the sofa while we sat through another episode of Bay City Bae. Marco finally picked Blaise over Melissa, throwing the latter into an emotional tirade that the writers tried to pass off as drama, which lasted several minutes longer than my tolerance for it. It was a testament to the power of media that my girlfriend, an intelligent woman who was firmly on track to become a professional psychologist, watched with rapt attention.
As much as I hated the show, I had to admit it helped me avoid thinking too hard about things I barely understood, which was what I wanted: just a normal evening relaxing with the weight of her body, covered in a shirt she'd pulled out of my closet, resting against my side.
I hesitantly began to unchain feelings I'd forced myself to subdue for a decade. It wouldn't be fair to Katherine if I felt guilt or shame every time her survival depended on my affection, so I allowed myself to feel pleasure in her warmth, the texture of her hair, and that peculiar, sweet odor that seemed to follow her around.
Twice during the show the lights appeared again, but they'd begun to change. Where they were vague ghosts before, they seemed more like explicit parts of my environment with hints of depth and color more than distant, nondescript stars.
Just after nine, Katherine decided she'd try for genuine sleep and invited me to join her.
"I don't think that's a good idea," I told her cautiously.
"Why? We've napped together on your bed before and it wasn't weird."
"It's different now." I sighed, "My bed isn't made for two, and if you started—I mean if you get worked up—"
"You think I might jump you." She said bluntly.
"I'm afraid if you did, I wouldn't be able to stop, and if that happens—it gets worse."
"Worse how?"
"An order of magnitude." I thought back to what Miss Gold had said, "You wouldn't be you anymore, just..."
"A sex puppet." She suggested.
"That's not how I'd have put it."
Katherine looked around the room as if something in it might hold hidden answers. "I don't know how much I can tell you without you wondering if it's really me, and I can't promise you it's true because it's still new, but It feels real. That's all I know right now, and all either of us can act on."
Katherine's self-awareness had always been greater than average, and I envied her ability to step outside her own head. Maybe it was her psych classes. Maybe she was just braver than I was.
"I know you," she continued, "and you'll spend days and weeks beating yourself up over this. I need to make you understand that I haven't changed that much, not my feelings, and not my thoughts. It's stronger for sure, more immediate, and I have to concentrate to keep that intensity under control, but that also means I'm aware of it, that I'm still the one making decisions."
She laid a hand against my cheek. "It also means waiting for a better time isn't an option anymore, and I'm okay with that."
I returned a look brimmed with skepticism.
"I'm serious. You want to know why it's so easy for me to cope? It's because I've been taking things slow for months for you, because I decided you were worth waiting for, not because I needed time to decide. To be perfectly honest, it's kind of liberating. I can stop worrying about you."
"You were worried?"
"Don't play dumb," she admonished. "I'm just saying this is where we'd be anyway if it had been all up to me. I wish it wasn't forced, but that doesn't mean it's bad."
Her words made me more anxious, not less. I wanted to believe them so badly that I couldn't trust myself to be objective. "Are you saying it would be safe to spend the night in the same bed?"
She surprised me by shaking her head, "No, I knew that was a lost cause the second you objected. You're too good and too stubborn, and you're probably right. I just wanted you to know..." she pinned my eyes with her own to give weight to her words, "You haven't lost me. I'm still here, just like you were when you were sick."
I finally understood. She'd spent months watching me, getting to know the person under the weirdness and medication, and she stayed because she liked who she saw there. She didn't want me to think of her as someone different now that our roles had reversed. I took her hand away from my face and held it tight while she wiggled her fingers against mine.
"See? I'm adjusting," she smiled, "not even a twitch."
"Heroin addicts get used to it after a while too." I said absently and she responded with a well-deserved punch.
"You asshole!" her disappointed glare hurt worse than her fist. "I'm trying really, really hard to help you deal with this. Why would you say something like that and ruin it?"
"I didn't mean it the way it came out, I'm sorry." I hung my head, but I wasn't being completely honest. The words were only a fragment of the argument playing out in my mind.
"I need you to be strong, Thomas. I feel pretty clear right now, but I don't know when or if that will change. The only reason I'm not a complete mess is because of everything I just said, because it's happening with you."
"I'm sorry," I repeated.
"If you're sorry then stop trying to sabotage me! If you're as well as you say you are, you don't have any excuses. Got it?"
"Got it."
"Got it what?"
"Got it... sir?"
She laughed, "Idiot," and threw her arms around me. We stayed like that for a few minutes before she sat up again. "I still think I should go to sleep. Are you just going to stay up all night?"
"I'll crash on the couch. I'm not feeling very tired. Besides, Miss Gold said she'd stop by and show me how to make her tea, and I don't want to miss out on that in case one of us needs it later."
Katherine frowned, "Then I'm going to bed for sure, I'm not ready to meet your godmother. Are you coming to tuck me in?"
I followed her into the bedroom and she slid into the sheets, "Ooh," she said softly, "You slept on these, didn't you?" She squirmed on the bed seductively and my heart jumped a little, then she batted her eyes and I knew she was pulling my leg.
"Now who's being a jerk?" I chided.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, now bring those lips down here and dose me up."
"You'll probably be fine until morning, Kath, it hasn't been that long and we've been together this whole time. I'll be barely fifteen feet from you all night."
Her eyes narrowed dangerously, "Didn't that woman tell you I can't overdose?"
"She said the only thing that would hurt you now is staying away."
"Then get down here and kiss me goodnight or I start screaming."
The lights were far more clear but less intrusive, as if my eyes were beginning to realize that they weren't actually there. They flashed brighter until I left my room then faded slowly into dim orange pastels. I'd been trying to ignore them since they first showed up, but instead of going away they'd become more explicit. They obviously had something to do with my new condition, and there was clearly a connection to Katherine, but that didn't explain why they'd been appearing everywhere for the past two days.
The knock on my door came after eleven-thirty when I'd almost given up on seeing Miss Gold. She stepped inside, dressed perfectly as usual, wearing a bolero jacket over her shoulders and carrying a paper grocery bag.
"How did you get in?"
"You opened the door, Thomas," she said indifferently as she began unloading zip-loc bags and plastic containers onto the kitchen counter.
"No, I mean downstairs."
She stopped and faced me, a bag full of what looked like dried rose petals pinched between her fingers, "The door was likewise opened. There are few barriers I cannot pass when I need to."
"I don't know what that means," I said, "but can you buzz me next time? The security is there for a reason."
She hesitated, biting back her first choice of words. "If you wish," she said instead and went back to unloading her groceries. She came off especially cold, even for her.
"Is everything okay?" I asked with honest concern. She stopped again and sighed, then turned toward me once more.
"Thank you for asking, Thomas, but I am well. I received news today that I had hoped would not come so soon, but it need not concern you at the moment."
"Does that mean it will concern me later?"
"Perhaps."
Having some experience with her secret-keeping and half-answers, I figured she wasn't about to go into detail so I dropped the subject. "What's all this stuff?" I indicated the counter as she neatly folded her grocery bag and set it on the table.
"Ingredients. Some of this is for the tea, but there are others here you may find useful. Have you been studying the Glim?"
"Sort of. I haven't had a lot of time today."
She frowned but nodded. "The girl is here then?"
"She's asleep."
"And she is as she was?" I didn't catch her meaning right away and stared stupidly for a few seconds. "You did not engage in sexual activity with her?" Miss Gold clarified, and I felt my face heating up again.
"No, of course not! Just a kiss, like you said."
"Good. Now, where is the chest?"
"Uh," I began. I felt like a child in front of a strict teacher, trying to explain that I forgot my homework. She closed her eyes as if praying for patience.
"It is not here."
"No, I just pulled a few things out of it and brought them home." When she looked up at the ceiling, I felt the need to justify myself. "It was too heavy for me to carry."
"There are wheeled carts available at the front desk, Thomas, I know because I asked, and I asked because I know that the chest is heavy. Why didn't you?"
I silently asked why all the women in my life made me feel like I was four years old. "I didn't think about it," I said, "I was in a hurry."
"Perhaps you should slow down. What did you bring with you?"
"Just what's on the coffee table." I pointed to the pile and she scowled.
"Is ceann de's na h-óinseacha diabhail thú" she muttered, shaking her head gravely as she strode into the living room, "Might you consider taking better care of these?" She carefully picked up each and stacked them neatly, "I do not see the cneasai kern."
"I don't even know if I can pronounce what you just said."
"The stone mortar. Where is it?"
It was one of the items I'd left back at the storage unit, and she read it in my face before I could answer. I endured her frigid glare for a few seconds before looking away.
"We cannot proceed without it," she explained at last, "It holds unique properties that are necessary for extracting the required potency from these herbs."
"I can go get it now." I offered, wanting to make amends, "It won't take half an hour."
"I cannot wait, but neither will it be immediately necessary." Her disappointment in me was evident, despite her words. "After tonight I will not be able to demonstrate the process again for some time. You must rely on the Glim to teach you what you need to know."
"I found some recipes, but I don't know how to look this one up. What's it called?"
"That does not matter if you know what you seek."
I looked down at the huge tome still sitting on my coffee table. "A name couldn't hurt. It takes an hour just to finish reading a page. It keeps jumping around."
"You are unfocused," she sighed.
I shrugged, frustrated, "I can't tell what I'm doing wrong, Miss Gold, so I don't see how I can correct it."
She leaned down and opened the cover, then turned several pages. A few more leaves turned on their own as if blown in a wind, but within moments it fell open and lay still. "Here." She said, pointing.
I stepped closer and looked down. Without the hagstone, the page was a cacophony of languages and indistinct, colorful lines.
"This is the recipe?"
She nodded.
"How can you tell?"
"Seeing is a skill some may learn."
"Are you some kind of witch?"
I thought I heard a short, low laugh in her reply. "No."
"Then how do you do all this? Reading the Glim, getting through doors, making me do what you tell me to?"
She paused, weighing me with those blue-gray eyes, then her expression softened and she sat on the sofa, gesturing for me to join her.
"Thomas, I do not have an aptitude for magic."
"You said it wasn't magic."
She briefly inclined her head. "I wished you to understand its nature without preconceptions, but it is a serviceable word." Her admission left me disillusioned. I'd been relying on her to tell me things I couldn't possibly know, and I didn't want to think there were answers I couldn't eventually get out of her.
"I thought you were an expert in this stuff."
"Do you drive a car?"
Her question caught me off guard. "Uh, yeah, why?"
"Do you feel that you are a proficient behind the wheel?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"How, then, does your vehicle function?"
"I don't know," I said, confused, "You turn the key and step on the gas."
"That is how it operates. What makes it run?"
I thought about it, and while I had a basic idea, I found that I couldn't explain it in a way that would make sense to someone who didn't know the same things I did. When I hesitated, she continued.
"You have no true knowledge of its inner workings, yet you travel without thought, as if the vehicle were an extension of your body. Consider the glain neidr." She reached forward and plucked it out of the salad bowl. "This was created naturally by water slowly eroding its surface until it broke through. There are many similar stones in the world, but there are few who can guess what gives this one a power the others lack. All I can tell you is if you were to alter it in any way it would become a simple stone, but I find it useful all the same."
I finally got her point. "I'm not an engineer and you're not a sorceress."
"Yet in some few tricks I am modestly proficient."
I pressed my lips together, trying to narrow down some of the questions that had been boiling in my brain. Now that I had her attention I didn't want to lose the opportunity.
"What is magic?" I asked. "If we're using that word I'd like to have a definition."
She paused, but didn't balk at answering. "There is no simple answer. Put simply, it is any act that violates natural law, acts that may be repeated when the proper conditions are met. There are two ways to achieve the appearance of magic and the first you have experienced on your own."
"You mean what's baked in." I suggested, "someone who has access to more than one set of rules."
"Correct. What you think of as magic is natural to the Fae who perform it."
"And the other?"
"The other is labyrinthine. I explained the Veil to you already. The unmade lands are a source of possibility, where law has taken no shape or root. Those that know how may draw upon it, use it as a canvas upon which to write new laws of their own choosing."
"That's hard to believe," My brow furrowed as I tried to imagine it. "There would have to be some evidence if people could just unmake gravity."
"Such evidence exists if you know where and how to look, but you are also correct that it is not without limits. Do not confuse magic with miracles. Folds in the Veil cannot be extended indefinitely, and native law is persistent. Without a will to anchor them, new laws—for consistency let us call them spells—will fade, consumed by the conventions of this world."
I nodded thoughtfully, trying to think of something else to ask, but in that brief pause, Miss Gold concluded our conversation and stood up.
"I will return by or before Friday next and, if we are both fortunate, I will have more to share at that time." She took her red handbag from the counter, opened it, and withdrew a plain, white business card. "Take this."
At the top in simple black letters, it said 'Garden Sage' with a web address and phone number beneath. A crudely drawn leaf growing between three stars was all that adorned the back.
"What's it for?"
"It is an apothecary that can supply you with more of these." She indicated the herbs on my counter. "They grow and harvest their own product and have an excellent selection, but they are not nearby. You will need to plan ahead and order several days in advance."
I frowned at the card, "Miss Gold, I don't have a lot of extra money."
"You will need to find a way to generate the required income if we find that your continued stability is dependent on potions, however," she reached into her handbag again and passed me Visa gift card, "I can help you in that regard for a short time."
"Are you sure?" I asked hesitantly.
"It is necessary." Was all she said.
"How much is on this?"
"Enough." She answered, then snapped her handbag closed and walked to the door. "The containers are labeled. It would be wise to compose a list of their names for future reference," she added as she turned to leave.
"Miss Gold?"
She hesitated in the doorway, "Yes?"
"Thank you."
She glanced back over her shoulder, nodded once, then pulled the door shut behind her.
I slept peacefully on the sofa for almost five hours and woke feeling restless, but I didn't have long to wait before Katherine stalked out of my bedroom.
"Shower." She muttered without looking up and vanished into the bathroom. Twenty minutes later she appeared again, her damp skin and dripping hair rendering parts of my white dress shirt transparent. I determined to address the clothing situation as soon as possible.
"Pick up a toothbrush," she said later, sitting across from me at the café table eating Rice Krispies with banana slices and milk.
I scanned the list of things we'd compiled to accommodate our new living conditions. "It's in the grocery column. You don't have one in your dorm?"
"Need to replace it anyway," she said, then took another bite.
"Is that all?"
Katherine stared me down with a barely-tolerant look while she chewed and swallowed. "Can we do this after breakfast?"
"I want to get an early start. I thought we could get you taken care of and I'll run out for a couple of hours while you're asleep."
"Get me taken care of? Thomas, don't dance around the subject. Just say you need to kiss me, or if that's too boring, find a thesaurus."
"Fine," I gave in. "I'll go after I kiss you."
"After we kiss. The way you said it makes it sound like I'm not a willing participant."
I put my pen down and rested my chin in my hands. "After we kiss. Is there anything else, princess?"
She didn't acknowledge my snark. "Yes, what makes you think you're leaving me alone for any length of time? Why can't I go with you?"
"Because you'll be out of it for the next few hours and I don't want to sit around doing nothing until you wake up. I should be able to get through this list before you even realize I'm gone."
She was the one who began talking in terms of us living together and the logistics involved. Schedules aside, I didn't own more than a week's worth of clothing and I'd run out a lot sooner if she kept wearing my shirts, so after some light innuendo involving communal nudity, she agreed that we should collect a few changes and other necessities from her dorm. A supplemental grocery run and a quick stop at the storage unit wouldn't take much longer.
She sighed. "I guess you're right. Everyone knows who you are so they should let you slip in and out without a problem. The only one who might stop you is Rachel."
An unwelcome memory of Rachel's strong arms around my neck flitted through my mind. "Yeah," I said, "No danger at all, just my horndog superpower and a dorm full of college co-eds."
Katherine stopped with a spoonful of cereal halfway to her mouth, "Okay, that could get interesting." She put the spoon down and cocked her head in thought, "I still think you'll be fine, it's not like every woman within a city block will turn into a mindless chimpanzee. I am assuming you aren't intending to kiss anyone else."
"Safe bet." I agreed.
"Then even if you bump into someone accidentally, worst case they have a rough afternoon when they come down from it, right?"
"Maybe not even that." I didn't know how long I'd need to maintain contact for it to take effect.
She sighed again. "Okay, then you should just get it over with. Thinking about being here alone is making me anxious and if I can sleep through it I won't have to sit here like a puppy waiting for her master to come back."
I knew she didn't mean it the way it sounded, but it still hurt. "Are you trying to guilt me into staying?"
"Oh come on, how am I not your love slave?"
"Still not helping."
She giggled, "We need to be able to laugh, Thomas. I do, anyway. It's hard and it's going to get harder, but if we don't have a choice I'm not going to sit around hoping and wishing things could be different. If I don't put any effort into being happy I don't have a right to complain, do I?"
Katherine gave me a chance to reply but nothing else came to mind. Satisfied that she'd won the round, she declared victory with a raised spoon and took another bite.