Jonathan slowly opened the door to the room he shared with Alex and glanced around. It took him a few seconds to spot Alex, wedged between the edge of his own bed and the wall, almost completely hidden from sight. His head was in his knees and his hands were clenched beside him.
"Alex, wha--"
"Go away, Jonathan."
Jonathan started partially at the harshness of his tone, but more at the raw pain that clearly underlined it. "Alex, you know I can't--"
Alex looked up at him, anger, bitterness, and pain glaring daggers into Jonathan, "I said go away."
Jonathan just looked at him steadily, completely aware of the splotches on Alex's face and the tears on his cheeks. "Alex, you need to listen to me. The sergeant gave me fifteen minutes to talk to you. If you don't listen, he's going to come in here and get you into some serious trouble."
Alex just continued gazing at Jonathan, but the anger and pain in his eyes turned into an almost dead-ness that scared Jonathan. Alex shrugged but did not say anything, "It's not like that would be any worse than what has already happened," he muttered.
Jonathan walked over quietly and sat down on the floor across from him. "Alex, what's wrong? What happened that has been causing you to have these outbursts? We need to deal with it before you really get into trouble."
Alex just shrugged and looked down.
Jonathan looked at him intently, "Alex, I'm your friend. I care. I want to help you. I don't want you to get into trouble. I don't want you to have to deal with whatever this pain is alone." He put his hand on Alex's knee, "and I don't think God wants you to either."
Alex's bright blue eyes snapped up at this statement as another burst of anger and bitterness flared again, "I don't need or want God. He has not done anything for me."
Jonathan held his gaze, "Alex, you know I don't believe that. Even if whatever happened was terrible he was always with you." Alex glared at him as he continued, "But even if you don't yet trust God, you can trust me too. I want to help you. What happened?"
When Alex just continued staring at him with that scary, dead expression, Jonathan wracked his mind to see if he could come up with some answer to his own question. "That news article triggered the anger, didn't it? Did something similar happen in your family?"
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I could not take it any more. I had to get some of this pressure off my chest, or I would really do something that I would later regret. And even though what had already happened to me most likely could not be matched, getting in trouble here would not help in the least.
I glanced up at Jonathan, and seeing his completely compassionate and earnest gaze broke my last restraints. My voice broke as I said, "Yes. Something happened to my family."
Jonathan just nodded and waited. I gulped, trying to work away the tears, but not succeeding, then started again, "A kidnapping," I paused, my jaw working, "happened in my family."
Jonathan's eyes widened.
I closed my eyes tightly and clenched and un-clenched my fists, fighting the pain and bitterness that threatened to overwhelm me. "He was the same age as Joseph Stevens. Right before his senior year ended he was kidnapped and we haven't heard anything from him since."
I swiped my hand over my eyes, hoping to wipe them dry, before continuing, "My father was distraught. My brothers, they," I chocked and struggled to get the next words out of my mouth as ire rose in my throat, "they didn't care. In fact, it seemed that they might have actually been glad."
Jonathan's eyes went even wider, if that were possible, and a strangled sound came out of his throat.
"I'm never," the cursed tears started streaming down my face again, "I'm never gonna see the-- I'm never going to see him again. And I don't know if I could ever forgive my brothers." I clenched my jaw hard, almost grinding my teeth together.
I glared back up at Jonathan, but this time the anger and pain were mixed with confusion, "and God did nothing, Jonathan. Nothing! He didn't stop it. He didn't save m--him."
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Jonathan stared at Alex's blazing eyes. He understood now. Especially the extreme reaction today. But how could he help Alex with his pain and explain the truth about God?
"Alex, wow. That's terrible." he started, lamely.
Alex snorted, "You think?"
He tightened the hand on his knee, "But Alex, I'm here for you. You don't have to deal with this alone."
Alex's breath hitched in what Jonathan assumed was an attempt to bite back a venomous retort, "I know that. But it doesn't help what happened. So how is it supposed to help?"
Jonathan swallowed and looked him in the eyes, "No one should ever have to deal with pain alone, Alex. I know I can't replace your brother, but I can be your friend. And, I know without a doubt that God was there with you the whole time, and with your brother."
Alex just shrugged, "Yeah, you've helped. But I can't say the same thing about God."
Jonathan would have been taken aback by the level of anger and bitterness in his eyes if he had not just heard what Alex had explained. How could he help? He had no idea what Alex was going through, and he was not sure what to say to convince him of God. Before he could get worried, however, a thought popped into Jonathan's head, "Do you know the story of Joseph in the Bible?"
Alex rolled his eyes as rubbed his sleeve under his nose, "Yes, I do. Why?" He snapped.
"His life was pretty crappy, don't you think? But God was with him the whole time. He blessed him because Joseph followed him, and he used his whole situation for a great good."
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I rolled my eyes again, but I could not deny the tiny prick of warmth in my heart when Jonathan said that. But I pushed it away. There was no way I was going to let God back in. He had done nothing for me.
When I did not reply, it seemed that Jonathan took it as permission to continue, "Joseph went through lots of pain, but he always gave everything to God, and God blessed him and everyone he worked for. And God certainly never left him, even though sometimes it probably seemed like he had."
I looked down at the floor as another tear leaked down my face and I fought to hold in my anger. Yes, I had heard that story before. But I was not that Joseph. And God certainly did not care about me. He might have helped that Joseph, but he had abandoned me. There was no way I was ever going to trust him again. However, at the same time as these thoughts were crossing his mind, others were warring with it.
What if it was true? Could it even be a coincidence that my name was Joseph too? Or had God named me so that when the hard times came, I would be able to know without a doubt that God was always with me? But no. God had not done anything. He did not care.
I glanced back up at Jonathan, who was still watching me earnestly, and scoffed, "You really think God was there? That he was always there?"
Jonathan's eyes became even more earnest, "I certainly do. And I think he has great plans for you, Alex. If you let him use you."
I nodded and groaned as I got to my feet. "Yeah. Whatever. I'll think about it." I mind told me I should feel bad for blowing him off so rudely, but I could not bring my heart to agree.
Jonathan stood up next to me. "It's okay if you don't believe this now, but you do need to make things right with the sergeant. And with the other soldier that you punched."
I winced, that at least was true, if I did not want to be in bucketloads of trouble. I nodded as I grabbed my towel and wiped my face off.
Feeling slightly bad for being so rude to Jonathan, I turned and face him a rough hug. I felt his breath hitch in surprise. "Thank you, Jonathan, for trying to help." I said gruffly.
Jonathan smiled, but his eyes revealed that he still wanted to say something else, "You're welcome, Alex." He paused, took a deep breath, and went on, "would you be okay with it if I prayed for you? You don't have to believe it. Just that God would help your heart and prove to you that he really does care?"
I scoffed, no, I did not particularly want it. But I also did not want to drive a wedge between my only friend and myself, so I answered, "I guess if you want to."
So Jonathan did, even though I did not really want to receive it. So I brushed it off. It's not like I was suddenly accepting God again. And I certainly did not believe that he cared. However, I did have to work hard ignoring the small prick of light that entered my heart at that moment.