Those next few days dragged on for so long that I thought that I was going to pull my teeth out. But then, as Saturday came, I was still unsure if I wanted to go back to the cemetery. I didn't know if I wanted to tell some random girl about my troubles. "Maybe she won't even be there today..." I thought to myself, not to mention that my mom would more than likely lecture me again about going there. For the last few days, I've heard nothing except:
"Ethan, you have to put this behind you."
"Ethan you can't just waste away in mourning."
"I'm not letting you live here if you don't go to college."
"It's been a whole year. You have to let go."
I'm honestly nauseous with anxiety just thinking about it. Fighting with my mom is not on the top of my to-do list so I'm thankful that I can at least be alone for today. My mom grounded me for skipping school on Tuesday and she took my little sister to see a movie. I'm honestly relieved to get a moment of peace and when I found $20 on the counter to order food, I knew that my mom was feeling bad for being so hard on me. In the end, I convinced myself that if I left the house, it would only make things worse. The week has already been rough enough without having to relive a part of my life that I would rather get over. I didn't even know her so it's not like I owed her anything. Just when I was accepting myself as right, I heard a ping from my phone. I reached into my pocket and pulled it out and saw that Annie had texted me.
"Hey.." it read. I wasn't really sure what to make of that. Annie hasn't spoken to me in 3 ½ years and now out of the blue she's texting me.
"Hey" I typed. I almost didn't send it but my fingers acted on their own. I didn't get a response for a little while. I assumed that she wasn't actually expecting a response. I mean, after almost 4 years you'd think someone wouldn't want to talk to you anymore.
Ping
"What's up?" she asked. I hovered my thumbs over the keyboard, not knowing what to respond with.
"Not much, you?" I sent, walking over to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water from the fridge.
"Not much...just thinking.." I read.
"About what?"
Ping
"..You..." I wasn't sure what to say. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to get reconnected with her, or if that was even her goal. I decided to leave her on read and called to have a pizza delivered. When I was finished, the screen went back to our messages and at the bottom it showed that she was typing. I left my phone alone until it went off again.
"I know that this is awkward. I can't explain it but I had a dream last night that you killed yourself and It hit me kind of different. I've been worried about you. I know that we don't talk anymore and I know that it's my fault, I'm sorry. I felt like I needed to contact you to make sure you're okay though." I sighed while reading her message. Who did she think she was to just message me as if she cared all of a sudden.
"Annie, I'm okay. Honestly, you don't have to worry about me. I haven't wanted to kill myself in months." I responded.
"Okay...just know that there are people out there who you can talk to..." she said. I scoffed a little. She honestly had a lot of nerve to say something like that when she hasn't contacted me in years. She never came around when the school found out about Sky. She never once asked anyone in the band how they were taking it. She didn't even contact me when I actually tried to kill myself and now here she is. It was almost comedic in a very disheartening way. At the same time, I'm not a jerk and I guess I could tell that she really was just worried so I decided to just thank her for checking on me. I told her not to worry and that if I ever needed to talk, that I would reach out. That seemed to calm her down and we said our goodbyes.
For the rest of the day, I had to battle my anxiety. I really felt bad for not going to the cemetery. I just don't want to go...but what if she's there waiting for me? My pizza came and I ate about half a slice because I couldn't stomach the food. I tried to play some video games but I would keep devolving back into my thoughts, so I went to go take a nap. It took awhile for me to fall asleep but I was determined to keep my eyes closed. I woke up a few hours later. It was 6:30 pm and my mom still wasn't back. I got a text from her saying that she was going to keep shopping with Alyssa and would probably be back late. I felt groggy and sick, probably due to the fact that I haven't eaten anything yet. I went back to the kitchen and grabbed some slices of pizza, not even bothering to heat them up and I watched some youtube while eating.
Mom and Alyssa came home at around 9:00 pm holding shopping bags and ice cream. I could hear them giggling outside the door for a few minutes before they calmed down and actually came inside. Mom greeted me and walked over to the kitchen, acting like the day had been boring or something. I felt guilty for making them feel like they weren't allowed to have fun around me. The fact that they didn't want to come in until they had calmed down says a lot about what our house is usually like now-a-days. Alyssa walked over to me and handed me a little box and a spoon.
"We got you a banana split." she said.
"Thanks" I replied. She ran off to her room to put away her new things. I got up to put the ice cream in the freezer.
"Not hungry?" mom asked, looking at the pizza box. I shrugged at her, still feeling a little anxious and awkward around her. I closed the freezer and started walking toward my room.
"Hey" she called softly. I turned back to her.
"I'm sorry for being so hard on you, ok? Since your dad left, I've been struggling to stay afloat. It's okay to mourn and it's okay to miss our loved ones but we can't let that stop us from living our lives, okay?" she said, looking at me with concerned but loving eyes. I nodded.
"Come here." she said, motioning for a hug. I went over to her and she hugged me tighter than ever. It was uncomfortable for me. My mom acted like this two other times from now. Once was when Sky died and once after I woke up in the hospital.
"And you can't keep skipping school, ok?"
"Okay" I mumbled.
"Good." she said, handing me two shopping bags.
"I bought you some new clothes. Go try them on and bring back whatever you don't want so I can return them." I took the bags and went to my room. I closed my door and let out a sigh of relief. She's never apologized to me before. I opened the bags on my bed and found some shoes, two shirts, and new jeans. For a moment, my anxiety subsided, and it felt like I was living an ordinary life.
Ping
My phone went off and when I checked it, I saw the text from Kita.
"We have a mandatory meeting on Monday, you NEED to be there Ethan." she said. My blood ran cold. I know what this text meant. Whether I go or not, they're going to kick me out of the group. Still, I asked,
"What's the meeting about?"
"Ethan, Please show up. This is honestly your final warning. If you don't come, we're done...I'm sorry." it read. I didn't respond, I shouldn't have asked.
"Fuck" I cursed to myself. I put my phone on silent and grabbed my laptop to open up my google drive. I'm not even sure why I still try to write songs, none of them even get finished anymore. Writer's block really is the biggest pain in the ass, especially when your band wants to kick you out. I glance over at my guitar and get nauseous at the idea of picking it up; realizing that the band had every right to kick me and it would be in their best interest too. Getting up, I walk over to the guitar and put it in the closet where I can avoid looking at it. It's honestly the same routine every day. Just as I closed the closet, I heard a knock from my door and my mother's voice calling through.
"Ethan. Your friend is here to see you." she said, letting Jax into my room.
"Thanks Ms. Fowler. I promise not to keep him up too late." They exchange smiles and my mom leaves us. Jax's face quickly turns serious.
"C'mon, let's go." he said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because we need to talk."
"I already got the text from Kita, you need to explain shit to me."
"I'm not here for the band. Just come on, let's go take a walk." he said, staring at me with a stern expression. I hesitated and debated on whether or not I should tell him to leave. In the end, I put my shoes on and we left the house. The sky was dark and you couldn't see the stars due to all the clouds, but every now and then you could see the moon peeking out.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"Nowhere in particular. Just thought you might've wanted a friend."
I sighed.
"Look, I'm fine. You don't need to come check-up on me." I said. He scoffed at me.
"You're fine? You haven't been to a meeting in 3 months. Dirk's worried, Kita's worried, Santana and Tony have been on everyones' ass about finding a new guitarist dude."
"I thought you weren't here for the band."
"I'm not. I'm here for you. Monday's meeting is going to be about whether or not we kick you from a band that you created. Only thing is, we aren't inviting Santana and Tony. They think that we're going to have a normal meeting on Thursday. We want to work something out with you dude." he said. Silence falls between us for a while as we continue walking.
"Why did Kita text me at all then?"
"She thinks that you're more likely to come if you feel like your band is getting taken from you."
"So why are you here?"
"Because I know you'll come if you know we haven't given up on you."
I run my hand through my hair and sigh. As much as I appreciate them not giving up, I know that they're better off without me. Like he said, I haven't gone to a single meeting in 3 months. At this point, I'm more of a burden on the band than I am an actual member.
"Jax, I'm gonna be straight with you, okay? You guys should just do what Santana and Tony want and find a new guitarist."
"You can't be serious."
"I am though. I haven't even picked up my own guitar in 2 months, haven't even written a full song. I skip school, lost most of my friends, lost my girlfriend, hell I tried to kill myself 6 months ago. Don't you think the band deserves better than that?"
"Then fix it." he said a little too nonchalantly. I scoffed at him in disbelief.
"You think I'm not trying?"
"Not hard enough."
"Fuck you."
"Ethan, it happened a-" he stopped himself from speaking and I stopped walking. He turned around and looked at me with a sorry expression. He knew what line he had just crossed.
"I didn't mean it like that."
"How'd you mean it?" I asked him.
"I just meant-"
"Save it. I hear it from my mother every day." I said. I started walking away from him when my blood started boiling over. I turned around and marched right back up to him.
"Maybe for all of you, it happened a year ago. But for me, it happened yesterday. It happens every time I close my eyes. I open my laptop and I write 1 verse of a song and then I have to close my laptop again because I get physically sick. I drive to school then I have to leave because I get anxiety. I take one look at my guitar and it makes me feel guilty to be alive. So fuck you. Fuck you and everyone else who thinks that they can tell me how to mourn or how hard I'm trying to get over it. You think I like this? Do you think I like going to the cemetery and crying so much that I get a headache? Do you think I like not doing the one thing that I'm passionate about?" I stare him down but he doesn't look at me.
"If you're going to come here and say shit like that to me, then get a new guitarist." I said sharply. I could've punched him in the mouth but I refrained.
"Ethan...Just please come on Monday..." Jax pleaded softly.
"What for? To hear it all over again from Kita and Dirk?"
"No just...at least think about it." a moment of silence washes over us,and for a split second, I realized that I just blew up on him. I haven't blown up on anyone like that before. Still, I'm too angry to give him an answer.
"I'm going home." I said, leaving him in the dark.
When I got home, all the lights were off except for the TV that my mom was watching in the living room. She didn't say anything to me and I honestly didn't want her to. Everything felt dirty, even my room. It felt like the whole world had turned against me in a matter of minutes. As the thunder started, I silently hoped that Jax made it home before the storm. I didn't want to see them. I didn't want to hear whatever they were going to tell me. It felt like I was begging them to rip the bandaid off but they were still taking it slow. I had heard it from everyone; I didn't want to hear it anymore. Tonight was going to be another sleepless night and as I tossed and turned, I couldn't help but think of that girl who I should've gone to see in the cemetery.