When I wake up on Sunday morning, I feel awful. Not just because I am slightly hungover from both the alcohol and all the crying, on top of an awful night's sleep, but mostly because Nathan never made it back to the room. I know that I told him to sleep on the couch, but I had secretly been hoping that he would try to talk to me anyway, explain himself to me, apologize. I know that he wasn't in any state to do that last night and it would probably just have resulted in me yelling at him again, but I still wanted to see him.
The moment I open my eyes and realize he's not with me, it becomes abundantly clear that I'm not even remotely ready to give up on him. He's been so good to me and I love him so much... Even though he hurt me, I still want his arms around me. We can't let it end like this. I just hope and pray that he feels the same way. That me blowing up at him last night instead of handling this like an adult is not going to be our undoing.
After a quick visit to the bathroom, I dress in jeans and a T-shirt before going downstairs. Time to face the music. When I step into the living room, I only find Jillian and Gina there. The men are nowhere to be seen.
"Angelo is getting us all breakfast at our favorite bakery, Sean is still sound asleep and Nathan went for a walk," Gina says when she sees me frown at Nathan's blanket and pillow that are still on the couch.
"I'm sorry for last night," I say, blushing. "I shouldn't have blown up like that."
Gina grins. "Trust me, Caroline, you did nothing I wouldn't have done. In fact, Angelo and I would probably still be screaming at each other if this had happened to me instead of you."
"The guys filled us in," Jillian says, patting the seat next to her and handing me a cup of coffee. "Do you want to tell your side of the story?"
I shrug. Might as well. "I had the window open and I could hear part of their conversation. I didn't like..." I swallow back tears. I thought I was all cried out but turns out I've still got some sadness left in me. "Nathan is usually so respectful and sweet. The way he talked about me last night..."
"Boys will be boys," Gina says like that explains everything. "Especially when they've inhaled liters of beer."
"Yeah, well, I never talk about him like that, not even after two bottles of wine." I take a sip of my coffee, but all I really want it to talk to Nathan. "I think I'll go for a walk too."
"Angelo will be back with breakfast soon," Jillian says. "The world looks better after a cinnamon roll."
Gina shakes her head. "I don't think Caroline needs sugary breakfast treats right now, Jill. She needs her man to explain himself."
"Exactly." I get up and take out my phone. Nathan hasn't called or texted, but I hadn't expected him to anyway. I press on his name and smile when he picks up immediately. "Where are you?"
Five minutes later, we're sitting on a bench in the park close to the house. Nathan is staring at the grass, his hands clenched in his lap. I'm looking at him, waiting until he speaks up.
"I'm sorry," he says after a while, finally meeting my gaze. "You've got no idea how sorry I am. What I said last night... There is no excuse for that. I never should have said any of those things. I want you to know that even though it didn't seem like it last night, I think the world of you. I do respect you."
I sigh. He's saying all the right things, but I still feel like shit. "You really hurt me, Nathan. You made it sound like all I'm good for is to fuck your brains out. I thought I meant more than that to you."
"You do!" He turns his body in my direction and reaches for my hand. "I love you. You know I love you, Caroline. I was drunk and stupid and immature. I swear that I don't think of you like that."
"So you don't think I'm an easy slut?" I spit back, anger bubbling up again. "Because you're right, you know. I do sleep with men shortly after meeting them. It didn't take you a lot of time or effort to get me in bed with you that first night. And the first dozen times we slept together, I didn't even know your last name. How is that not easy? How is that not slutty?"
Nathan shakes his head and squeezes my hand. "Don't talk about yourself like that, Caroline. I did all those things too, remember? It's not like I knew more than your name and address when we started sleeping together. And I sure as hell don't feel slutty."
"That's because when a guy does that, he's a player." This is something that has always annoyed me. Guys that sleep around are cool and get high fives. Girls like me get called out for being slutty, even though I slept with less people than Nathan did. Hell, I'm sure a lot of people find me slutty while Nathan isn't even considered a player.
I'm tired and I just want this fight to be over, so I allow Nathan to pull me against him. He rubs my arms and my back, pressing his face into my hair. "I'm so sorry," he whispers. "You were right about everything you said last night. I am such an asshole."
"Yeah," I breathe. "You are."
Still, I don't stop him when he kisses me on the lips. I sigh into the kiss, melting against him the way I always do. It just feels so right to be with him, even after hearing him talk about me with such utter disrespect. I pull back after a moment, memories of what he said rearing their ugly heads again.
"What did you mean when you said that I am too intense?" I ask, frowning. "I heard you tell Sean and Angelo that you're glad about the fact that you can't spend more time with me. Why?"
He shakes his head and grunts. "That's not how I meant it. What I mean is that when I'm with you... It's intense, Caroline. It just is. I want you so badly, all the time. And I don't just mean that in a sexual way, but I just want to share everything about myself with you. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms every night and wake up next to you and have dinner together and to introduce you to my family and Elise and Rose and..." He takes a deep breath to keep himself from rambling on.
"No, that's not what you said," I argue. "You said that I am intense. Me. As a person. What did you mean? What is so intense about me?"
"Everything!" he says a little too loud. "And that's not a bad thing, Caroline. You're just... hell, the way you stood up to Angelo two days ago. That was intense. I don't know anyone who would just confront him like that. Do don't do thing half-assed and you always, always speak your mind. I love that about you, but yeah, it's intense." He holds up a hand when I open my mouth. "Let me explain. I don't mean that you're too intense. I don't think I said that, actually, but hell, I was drunk, so I can't be sure. You just completely suck me into this love bubble when you're with me. Every time I feel like we might be going too fast, I take one look at you and I want to go even faster instead of hitting the breaks. I know that I do this, I dive into things, I don't stop to think and take a minute to evaluate things. That's what I meant when I said that it might be for the best that I get space from you every other week. If I didn't, I don't know what I would do. If I didn't have a daughter, I'm pretty sure I would be asking you to move in with me already. Hell, you would have moved in a while ago, to be honest."
"Wow," I breathe. "Okay, yeah, that's pretty intense."
He laughs, relief flooding his body when he sees I'm not mad anymore. "Yeah, exactly. And I'm pretty sure that I'm intense too, right? I mean, I'm always gazing at you and calling you and waiting for you when you come back from work..."
I lean in to kiss him softly. "Yeah, you're intense, but that's one of the things I like most about you. And normally, you are also very kind and respectful. Last night, you weren't."
"I know. I will never discuss our sex life ever again," he vows.
"Nathan, that's not the problem at all," I reply with a sigh. Why isn't he getting this? "You can talk about it. Trust me, Shaughna and Tiffany know all about you cuffing me to the bed and smacking me. It's a little hard to hide how rough you are since you're always marking me with bites and bruises. I don't care if you talk to your friends about that. It's the way you talked about it. You weren't just sharing experiences with them. You were talking about me like..."
"I get it," he says, understanding finally flashing in his eyes. "I do. I was just... I don't know. Like I said, I was drunk, but that's no excuse. We were just talking and it felt so great to finally get to talk to my friends about you face to face... I got carried away."
"Hmmm..." I murmur when he starts massaging my thighs. "That's not fair, Nate. You know I love it when you do that." My muscles turn to pudding underneath his strong hands and he knows that I can't help but melt when he touches me like that.
"I swear I'll make up for this horrible weekend." He leans in to kiss my neck, his teeth grazing my skin. "I won't talk about you in anything but a perfectly respectful manner ever again. I swear."
I moan when one of his hands moves up, grabbing me roughly and pulling me unto his lap. We kiss hungrily as I straddle him, enjoying how hard he's getting against me. His fingers dig into my ass and I grunt into our kiss, wishing we were home right now. With a start, I realize that we're still in a public park, where people can see us. At the same time, it's exhilarating that while it would be embarrassing to be spotted like this, it wouldn't be catastrophic. No one knows us here. If someone sees us, we would feel embarrassed, but I wouldn't have to wonder if I would lose my job because of it or that it would get back to Elise.
"We should get back," I breathe when we finally break apart long enough to regain some brainpower. "Because I may not be mad at you anymore, but I'm also not going to have make-up sex with you in a goddamn park."
He groans. "One more kiss?"
Another moan escaped my mouth when he grinds again me while his teeth find my earlobe.
"And you call me insatiable," I tease him before I get up. "I think that if either one of us is a sex addict, it's you."
He seems surprised that I'm making light of something he said last night, but he's sure not going to say anything to mess things up for himself again. "I'm sure as hell addicted to you," he confesses with a smile. "How could I not be?"
He puts an arm around me while we walk back at a slow pace. I know that last night will come up again and that it'll take a while for the pain he caused to truly go away, but I also know that Nathan is not really an asshole. I'm not willing to give up on all the wonderful things in our relationship just because he fucked up. If he does this again, though... I don't know if I will be so forgiving next time, to be honest.